EVERY CHIPOTLE EVER

-Hello. -Hello. Oh yeah. I want a burrito but...tortillas are really high in calories and I'm trying to eat healthier so...I don't know? - How about a bowl then? OK, perfect. So I'll have beans, rice, steak, oh, a TON of sour cream and A LOT of cheese. More cheese More. MORE. And cheese. Is it like that? Oh, can I also get about two tortilla chips? You know, since I'm eating healthy, I might as well treat myself, you know? Go, Denise. Ahha Every Chipotle

ever

. Could you put beans in there? Black... or paint? Hey...what's the difference?

You tell me. I mean, come on, like beans are beans, right? I don't know, right? I don't know. I think so, black or paint? Look at a-a-a Pinto! Okay, heh, wow! That? Nothing nothing. *Wow, dude* Okay, okay, what

ever

. Uhm, can you put rice in it too? White or brown? Do you want a quesadilla? It will be ready in two days. Rice? Uhhh... No, I'm good at rice, thanks. Cool. Coverage? Yeah, mild sauce, and um... You know what? Can I have the rice, please? Didn't they offer you rice before? No, I asked him and he said no.

Sir, you said no. Yes, but did I change my mind? Oh. Sir, this is the dressing part of the setup. The rice in the bases is gone. Can you go back to the rice? I was assigned ingredients today, so no. Okay, can you pass him the burrito? No, burritos can only travel in a fast direction. It's right there! Sir, I don't know how they do things at H&R Block or whatever chaotic place you work, but here at Chipotle we have strict rules and regulations, you understand? Yes, and for trying to intimidate us into violating those rules, we will have to ask you to leave. - Go out.

Oh really. Yes It's okay, it's okay. What an idiot. - Yes, you are telling me. Excuse me. - Yes, what's up? Sofritas in Spanish means: there is no meat in this! I told you I can't eat anything here. The burritos are too big and make my belly bloated. Why can't we just do something I want to do? Because

every

thing you like to do is shit. Okay, look, I'm sorry for upsetting you at this restaurant, but I'm just being honest. Did you know? I'll be right back. Okay, can I have a burrito, please? Excellent. Can we go now?

OH! Yes. I order the bowl and then just use chips as a utensil. And that's the guacamole. - Oh great. Yes, I like to remind people that it's extra to just put them in their place. - Sure. Now let me show you how to wrap a burrito. - Oh, I think I'm actually good at that. Sure? - Yes, he's wrapping a burrito. How difficult will it be? Alright. No, it's not that, it's not that. Okay, so you pick it up and we're good. Now we know. That is the head of the swan. Relax, that's calm. Let's fold it as best we can.

Damn. Keep this up. Put it in like this and turn it over. No, that will never work! Turn up the volume. So we're going to put it in. Tuck it in. And put it in. *Screaming* Failure! Disgusting! We can save this. Oh ho! It's time to quit. F**K *crash* God- Sorry, we're out of roasted vegetables. We always have been and always will be. What's with all the writing on the mugs? - I don't know, the truth is that I never read it. Hey you, yes, you. Did you know that Chipotle's cup artists are all indentured servants who get paid weekly in burritos?

There were six of us, each kidnapped and taken to a lighthouse by Robo under the light of the full moon. Kept under lock and key and hidden from the world. Of the original 6, 4 have died from E. coli in lettuce. but that's not why I'm writing this. I miss my wife. Her name is Sarah Rynerson. If you know her, tell Sarah I love her. I need her to know that I didn't leave and I promise her that I will find my way home to her. Wow, that's corporate nonsense. - Completely. Are you really going to order a margarita here?

Dip? Uh, yeah, the sauce is free, right? Yes. - Okay, then I'd like the avocado salsa. The guacamole is extra. I thought you said the sauce was free. Yes, but guacamole is guacamole and it's extra. Oh, okay, okay, how about this? Can you give me a whole avocado, because it's basically a vegetable that we all know is free, and then you give me some salsa and I do all the hard work? No. Okay, okay, listen to me. Uh, how about you stick with the cheese and sour cream? Because I know those are your most expensive items, and even though I have a right to them, I'll let you keep them.

Give me some guacamole. and a little extra meat for my trouble and then you'll sell that cheese, I'll get my guacamole, and then your corporate bosses won't notice. I'm going on break. Excuse me sir, may I be interested in purchasing guacamole and then giving me half? The cheeseurito is a real thing and it's on the secret menu. Order it. Hey, yes, I would like an omelet, please. Oh my god, I'm sorry. She would like a Tortilla. What are you doing? Courtney, this is not Taco Bell, okay, this is an authentic Mexican experience, okay. Just let me talk.

If you would like a very large burrito with carnitas and beans and hot sauce, bellamos Dude, I don't know what you're saying. He wants one of those meat wraps that have small black potatoes and spicy ketchup. OHHHHH now now now! I can do it safely. I can definitely be that guy for you. None of you have any culture, apparently. *BEEP* excuse me? Yeah! Can I get a mustard hoagie? A homeless woman is here again. Okay, huh. Can I... can I get a hot Italian sub? *BEEP* Help! I have another guy dead. I'm not dead yet. He will be dead soon. *BEEP* Salma Hayek *BEEP* Bellamos Let's see, potato time.

Are those the bathrooms? *BEEP* Son? Dad? Oh Lord! - Oh Lord. I thought you died in that fire. - I did. That? They put... a new... brain in me... That time you really turned into a hole, huh, buddy? Thank you all so much for watching Every Chipotle Ever. If you still want to see more sketches, check out the one we did last week: Dating 1999 Vs. 2019. Or if you're in summer games mode and want to check out some competitions, click on this playlist to see

every

thing we've got going on. done so far.