Doug Stanhope: Beer Hall Putsch

Are you sober it was a good time and then they killed some people so it ran like a because this is like ground zero of when we branched out to do our thing and it looks really cool we can't really play here because we have a draw too big so it's nice to be able to film here it's dark it's creepy as history with us it's just a good feeling and I hate doing theater I wish all the comedy specials were filmed in a park 75 Cedars like old Lenny Bruce smoked low ceiling of the room, so it's not a really low ceiling, but it feels like we're going to drink, some people say yeah, I don't have to drink to have a good time, you know, that's fine, but that means you have to have a good time. good time to have a good time. time, how do you achieve it?

You just assume that the universe knows it's your Friday, so an organic good moment will come out of the woodwork and appear at a certain time when you've read the weekly and found the best editors. bet and email all your dumb friends and their cubicles, let's meet up, we found a local restaurant that is well reviewed, has vegan options for Sheila, we'll meet there at 7:40, where is Sheila, she's late, our super good time starts in 40 minutes. call her on her cell phones maybe we can place an order for her because we don't want to be late for our super good time to start maybe you came here tonight to have a good time without drinking that means you depend solely on me being funny which It's a 50-50 chance at best in these last few years of my career if I suck up all that good sober time to plan and look up maps and find parking and then I just left, I was too awake that night and now It is your fault.

I don't take those risks. I drink to pass the time. It is a fail-safe method. I think whatever mundane thing I was doing anyway, I started pouring alcohol on it and in a short period of time it's fantastic. I'm talking to some roof tile salesmen at an airport bar and he shows me pictures of his dogs on his cell phone camera and that's Miss Patsy and that's Patriot. I call it Patriot because I bought it on September 11 and then in five shots. that guy is so funny to me i'm hugging that guy on the way to his door i'm stopping phone numbers i have a problem no ma'am i have a solution you have a problem with your good time sober i'll feel like in the morning but i'll know exactly why what because I got hit, you wake up and feel like you're worried, oh so I forget to take my omega threes, my glands are swollen, did I touch an undisinfected toilet handle?

I'm not sure I should have been drunk exactly. and we just won't wake up, go home, it will disappear in the afternoon. I stopped drinking Jagermeister as if it were a miraculous life choice. I'll brag to people when I stopped drinking Jagermeister like I'm doing bokram yoga now. eating tofu I'm still banged up all the time but it's not Jaeger which is just a shitty drink at some point I saw a clip of me on stage yelling at the bar truck hey can I take a picture of Jagermeister but I could see myself? like in my head I'm young, but then I saw that I'm just an old guy and just the word Jagermeister that comes out of your mouth is a desperate cry to be young again and it's like the old guys, a silver haired fox, but he still He has hoop earrings Hey ladies, I'm not that guy, just drink something clear because I, Jake LaMotta, the wrestler, is a neighbor of ours in Bisbee, Arizona, he lives two blocks down, if you don't know Jake LaMotta, uh, he was. a legendary wrestler the movie Raging Bull yes no no Robert De Niro for you, 22 years old, let me explain Robert De Niro used to be an actor in movies and one of his most important roles was Jake LaMotta in Raging Bull he is a A real guy , that's our neighbor and we never met him until last year, a mutual friend brought him over to the house to watch football and we're so excited because Jake LaMotta is coming here and they brought him.

He's like 91 years old, there's no Jake LaMotta left. Jake LaMotta, so we're all happy and they bring him in and we think, oh, I'm for a boxer my age, they're older and he's twice as old, so they bring him in alone, but they have him by a 91-year-old elbow and he They plop down on the couch like it's a plant like Jake LaMotta is here and he has a trophy wife who is 30 years his junior, which means he's still 60, so the trophy is a little tarnished at this point, There is no The Stanley Cup is already more of a bowling trophy and she is a very sweet woman, she has all the makings of a trophy wife, she has bleached blonde hair and the 60 year old tip job is forced, so the good parts are shown at the top. he sees well and she is very sweet and is trying to distract Jake LaMotta's attention he doesn't know where he is he doesn't know he's watching football he's confused on the couch the only time he showed any cognitive recognition of his surroundings I saw him struggling with his cigarettes and feeling around and looking at the door like he was walking me out so I could smoke and I said, okay, Jake, you can smoke in the house.

Hey, this is how cigarette thieves get you nothing more and then you go right back to the confusion, so his wife is a very sweet one and she is talking to me in bingo. I can't believe we've lived here so long and we've never met and she's so nice and at some point she says, you know, Jake and I are doing a play on Saturday night at central school, an old Bisbee, we I'd love for you to come, I wrote it myself, she's like, oh really, everyone's buying your little one, just that half-corpse on my couch and Simon with some of his great ideas about how the script for the arc should be written. the story and normally you would have to stun and prod me to get into a play that I have no interest in until I spent an hour and a half with Jake LaMotta at my house that will be broadcast live on stage.

I'm not going to miss this for the world and we went and it lived up to all the horrible expectations we had and so tragic, she wrote it herself, it's called Lady and the Champ, she wrote it, so thank God It's mainly her and she has an acoustic. guitar, then she tells some stories and anecdotes and then she sings some melodies and in the corner there is a boxer and a wrestler Baez and you say oh God and then they trace the champion to the other side of the stage in a chair, they sit him down, He still has no idea where he is, he still thinks he's watching football at my house and his only job is to pepper the script with some one-liners and some shadow boxing, so he gets up from time to time.

I have fought. Sugar Ray has had diabetes so many times, which is not a bad phrase for a 91-year-old boxer. The champion forgets that he already said the phrase, so moments later he gets up in the middle of a song and they have to leave, they can. We don't whisper to him because he's deaf as a stump, so they physically have to get out of pushing him down by the hair and yelling at him that he's not champion yet, he waits until the end of the number and then do it, okay? We're in the back of the room dying that's why we had to bite our hands like kids in church die nothing just it was like seeing him up a Mr.

Schiavo brought Terry Schiavo on the road like a singing and dancing act hello honey hello my honey, hello my ragtime. Thanks Terry and I will be selling merchandise after the show. Harry will lick your t-shirts for you to personalize as a little souvenir of the great time we had here tonight and as much as I'm enjoying it. for the worst reasons there's a part of my head going right how long before it's you oh i've been doing this 23 years how long i've taken a lot of headshots like the champ how long before that final synapse in my brain is burn, that would have told me, don't do this anymore, you're embarrassing yourself so much, but I have my white bingo trophy, she doesn't want to get a real job, so she just pushed me on stage. okay, Jim, yes, you're my sister, maybe it's over.

I don't know, maybe yes, maybe this is being filmed. The room no longer do this. I live every day of my life like it's my last day on earth, kids, not really. Don't clap, you don't know how I live, that makes it even more sad and pathetic that I would willingly choose to spend any last day on earth immobilized on a couch sweating watching a marathon of storage wars completely content with friends coming over. Let's do something, man, let's go out. I went down to the bottom, let's live life like you. I get up. I have to pee for the last four episodes.

My prostate is welded together like a love gun. I care a little. get up I have to find out what's in that safe, very important and find out after the commercial break what could be in that safe, you all have interests and you have them and I don't, yes, I try not to do anything while I have a house. arrest on my bucket list so I have an excuse why I can't do the stupid thing you like I don't understand sorry I would love to see your friend play flamenco guitar but I have the anklet sorry I'm back to looking at hoarders.

I observe hoarders. I see I need to like bring the garage sale into my living room and I just snoop around. I'm not following the dialogue. I'm just watching her bingo. They have an orange microwave. Rewind it. pause, that's orange mom, how do you get an orange microwave under the pile of newspapers and the mummified cat is an orange microwave? Find it on Amazon that could fill the void in my soul Arjun because I don't even mark drunk people anymore because I have nothing to say but I drank eBay and Amazon. I buy when I'm passed out which is the worst thing about eBay because if I get outbid I take it personally when I'm drinking you just looked at my girlfriend funny oh I outbid.

Yo, I'm going to outdo you, yeah, I'm waiting, oh wait, come in my suit because you probably have kids. I don't. I don't have a lot of money, but every penny I have is disposable because no. I don't have kids, I bought a cheap shitty house on the border with Mexico. My nut is eight hundred dollars a year in property taxes. I could beg you that eventually you'll outbid me, you'll realize, oh, my kids have to go to college, and I'll realize, oh, I need an antique pachinko machine in my house for some unknown reason. I bet you lose.

I'm a big winner in some ways, much worse than dialing drunk because buying drugs you don't even remember you did it. For five to seven business days you walk out of your house and UPS is building a corrugated Great Wall of China outside. What have I done now? Would you mind this time, mr. Miraculous Christmas in July socks as seen on TV. Real purchase. I don't have circulation problems, but obviously when I drink outdoors, something underlying the fear that I didn't even know I had is deep vein thrombosis. You're going to die, maybe because of that.

I never work in Australia, that long flight can kill me deeply. I'm not afraid of death, except that I hate waiting for it. Come on, I beat cancer. I never had it, that's how I beat it. I got oh oh, you survived. I got over it. but by not achieving it, I am courting cancer every day of my life. I have done everything, but I paid the cancers. The taxi fare to my hotel does not appear. That's beating it. You survived. You're like tied. I get seed number one. the group about you, survivor is a winner, but there is an afterlife and if I can give you any hope on this show, I have definitive proof of an afterlife.

I didn't get weird or religious with you. I'm not saying there is a God. I don't know what life after death entails but here is the proof my mother committed suicide in 2008 don't worry this is a funny story it was the best death you could ever be a part of she was dying of emphysema at age 63, his brain was still. with that, but she was drowning in her own fluids, she's being permanently submerged in the submarine for 45 years of cold miles, she can't take it anymore, we knew what was going to happen when she made the call, I can't do it, it's okay, mom, we.

We'll do what we can, I like it, it's okay, mom is going to kill herself, but I don't know what to do. Okay, we know she's going to pass, but what happens when you say we're going to do it? I'm not going to go buy from you. a shotgun Oh, everyone have fun, MA, so I don't know what to do. I don't kill people, it's not something I fantasize about, if my mother was Nancy Grace, she would be everywhere like she had plans, but My mother was a great person, so how do we do this right?

So I called my lawyer. I have three lawyers, we have like we are big Judah with lawyers in Los Angeles, plus all the videographers and recording contracts, then I have my local business B. lawyer who helps me with that, I got married when I was 20 and I was 24 years of marital bliss until I remembered, oh, I never divorced that girl, I got married drunk in Vegas, that's for another DVD, but then we have our third lawyer, who is a He's a comedy fanatic who is like wink, wink, nudge, nudge, Saul Goodman, the lawyer from Breaking Bad, who handles everything creepy, like when Andy and I areA solution occurred that I think is great, but no one has joined in with incentive-based eugenics.

Eugenics was a practice of sterilizing people. Hitler got a lot of the credit for it, but it was actually done in this country for a long time. Before Hitler, although he knew who he was angry with, we were practicing eugenics in this country. Eugenics was the practice of forced sterilization of undesirables, which sounds bad and the way they did it was bad, because they would use force first. It's wrong, you don't force people to do things they don't want to do and be the one to decide who is undesirable. They were doing it in this country at the beginning of the 20th century, which for many of my fans is the 20th century. to the criminals, perverts, which is too vague, the mentally ill, the mentally homosexuals, which makes a lot of sense, we don't want them to reproduce well and run up and down like goblins, but if you took away their strength and ​you would make it based on incentives for people. willing to sterilize they offer some white trash prizes, you know, NASCAR pit pass, meet your favorite driver, all you're going to do is cut the sack, really your supply of Sunny Delight, I want some Sunny D, It is not like this?

Fill that front hole ma'am, you still have two holes left to trick the guys out of their drinks at the bar, what do we have to do? Is he telling me that if I cut off my balls I'll go crossbow hunting with Ted Nugent? Yes, no, no, sir. Sure sir, wait, no, they don't actually cut off your balls, we just make a small incision with a local anesthetic. I want him to cut off my entire balls. I'll hang them from my rearview mirror like a lucky rabbit's foot. I'm going crossbow hunting with the news that I've never won anything in my life that's a viable plan I still can't argue that it just won't happen this is what I think if you're after whatever you're after we should classify everything charity to take first what is most important and easiest to solve. everyone works on it and eventually we will get to yours.

I would start with hungry people in a world full of food that seems easy to solve. You don't need scientists with lab reports and years. No, there is a lot of food. This is only. a traffic problem someone from FedEx brings the food there how we live in a place horse meat like a scandal they found horse food the stew there oh my god did you hear there was horse meat in my frozen processed lasagna meal how They dare to put a leaner and nutritional needs and now we are going to throw it in the garbage dumps while people are starving on this planet.

That makes no sense. I can solve it. Yes, take that food and feed the people who don't. we have it and then we go down to the next biggest and the wrongly accused and the torture and the thing and the disease and we occupy lower and then we save the manatees even lower than that and eventually, hopefully, in a perfect world we will get there in the background Which is Toys for Tots. It is shameful to live in a country where Toys for Tots is a legitimate and recognized charity. God forbid little Daniel goes through some fake vacation made out of stuff or some fake deity without Lincoln.

He records the horror, the horror. That's why You have to have marines and bikers in the force that are like henchmen because otherwise you just leave like toys, there are hungry people and a big guy I bought cut fruits for your Batum, give me a damn advantage for the kid in you will become, whatever your cause, your charity or your drive your effort audit, be sure because a lot of this is symbolism over substance, where people think they are helping by doing nothing, audit all the time and effort and see if you're actually making change instead of just oh we're having a 10k fun run for The Cure, come Sunday it's a 10k fun run for The Cure why what you're running ever cured something?

I don't understand the cause and effect of this, this is how Jonas Salk cured polio. He is walking fast down the track in st. Mary's High School with a wife beater and a safety pin with a paper number on the back oh we're doing it for The Cure, how are you curing something? What I do is get sponsors and every time I go around the track again. my sponsor gives me another coin for The Cure, so I have to go. Betty, the doctors, they're your friends, that's sick and sadomasochistic, they wouldn't give you a check for The Cure, they make you do weird things first, Larry, you know, my daughter.

I was born with cerebral palsy and we are trying to organize a big fundraiser. Yes, how many hard-boiled eggs will you eat? Love your child. Come on, no, they would give you a check, but you are very megalomaniac. that you have to make the cure for yourself you need attention in this you could get a check but no one will oh no you know the truth is that I do the same brisk walk in st. Mary goes every morning at 6:30 before work with my Labrador Sheba trying to lose a few pounds you know, but no one applauds me and calls me heroic, so I'll do it Sunday afternoon for the cure and everyone will go to throw. rain, oh yeah, you could do it but you want to do it, it's a 10k fun run on you, megalomaniac, stop, you know you're not doing it, you can just get your friend's check and then do something, it means something else.

We have to run, we are cooked, we receive donations and we are asking the City Council for a place in the park too big to make a large granite slab for the victims, those who suffer and the survivors of this and then we are going to work meticulously looking for each name of the people in the stone at a great cost for what is a piece of rock, it does not help to put that time, effort and money into something that is calculated and that really helps let's weave a SARS quilt that will take all summer there people with SARS and their chili with SARS let me go but we're going to have a prayer circle we're going to have a midnight candlelight vigil could you do less mathematically?

Ask your accountant if there is a way to do something. less than that, well, we are creating awareness. Raising awareness is another way of doing nothing, only now you are making me aware that the nothing I have been doing is not on par with the nothing you are doing, no matter how noble, because why not? Do you do my nothing for your God will observe the storage wars for the cure? We'll both be happy in our helplessness and find out what's in that safe. You will all gain by creating awareness. It's me standing next to a drain. ditch where a guy just hit a goat with his moped on the road and now they're in the ditch lying in the mud with compound fractures and the guy has a bone going through his leg, like goats have a bone going through their fur.

They're both there in agony and I'm raising awareness by standing over them screaming on an empty road, they're not going to help, no, no, no way, it's easier to just watch, are you aware of breast cancer? The entire month of October is for mom. Cancer Awareness Month, the whole country turns pink, so you can't not be aware of all your products, you go to the supermarket, I usually buy Progresso soup, but this month I'm buying the one with the pink bow, so I know that I have done everything I can to help my fellow men. I don't read the fine print that says Oh, dot zero zero zero zero zero one cent out of every can, up to a minimal amount, goes to oh, it doesn't really go anywhere. one tit goes into more promotional material asking for more money and giving very dubious medical advice where many children are cut that were not necessary because we are an industry and no longer a charity. read that part I only see the pink tape and I know I'm helping you you've destroyed the color pink there's no need to compare I like the color pink you've ruined it you see pink that's all you can think about I have a pink bedroom my bedroom is pink I can't sleep in it during October because you only see the color and all you think about is giant metastatic tits sucking the life out of some poor woman why do you choose a color associated with something else that is negative for you know the traffic and the weather that comes to you at 6:20 a.m., hey, the traffic sucks again, this is brought to you by breast cancer.

I think the next time you're stuck in traffic you'll say oh this sucks but not as much as cancer maybe I should try to help don't turn red you watch football this is where I went too far with me the National Football League participates in Breast Cancer Awareness Month First of all, why is it Breast Cancer Awareness Month instead of Cancer Awareness Month? I guess if you cure breast cancer, that would cure butt cancer and deal with cancer. Oh, it's cancer because kids sell tickets, stupid. Okay, I forget about the marketing idol, maybe you're right about that, the National Football League still participates with pink gloves and only pink ones. in the players' clothes if you think football is stupid you are right but it is my stupidity you have your stupidity you can judge me in sports you have your own stupidity you play World of Warcraft or you do renaissance festivals or when Brian Doyle-murray seems competitions that you do we cultivate organic apples and we sell them at the farmers market you will learn to speak Italian on the rosetta stone so that one day you can impress your friends by ordering Italian in a restaurant and the waiter at Olive Garden look at you, I don't know what you're saying friend , whatever you do, football is my stupidity, that's what I do for a few hours on a fall weekend to forget how much I hate myself, I don't want to think about breast cancer while watching football to get away from This, it's hard enough to watch football as it is, if you're a fan without constantly thinking about AIDS, you inherently have to get it out of your head if you're a fan of the game with the technology they have now, watch Monday Night Football or the Super Bowl, they now have cameras that come down on cables right over the field, right above the players' heads, almost touching them, you're 60 inches tall.

In definition, you have a camera pan around 11 men huddled together presenting these beautiful thick men's asses approaching each other and it creates this Bangkok brothel scenario in your brain, you feel a little tug in your sweatpants like, oh, oh, what? and if we were behind glass in Phuket, which one would I choose for my nightly entertainment from the Cambodian guy who runs the place and has an eye patch and I go, I go dad, bring out guy number 28, I haven't even seen everyone boys? and I make an impulse purchase on the 28th, he's, uh, he's a midfielder with these sinewy horse haunches leaning towards me and in my mind, before I can make a rational decision, I'm already over the railing on the field.

I'm running naked through the field. I'm not wearing anything, but I'm wearing an 1800s nightcap that's striped with a pom pom. I don't know why, but I'm wearing flip flops because they make running more fun, but my cock is hitting my belly up and down. your penis, no matter how big you want it to be, is your fantasy, having your big slap on the chest, sticking out your big tooth on the way to the group, it doesn't matter, just take the 28 and take them out of the group. I've pinned them on the floor, hold them down with an elbow, peel the ones wearing these little pants so Gordon, just take them off, it's sweaty, they'll just slide off like a wet band-aid, don't do it with a jockstrap, it's not a obstacle so you're wasting your time, plus the little scraps keep the ass gene active and the focus comes out of his ass, stick your face in there, snort at Steve, fuck him like a gas rag, inhale his essence and peel him the ass Spread his cheeks with your nails like you're cracking a fresh cage-free egg and grab your penis, don't stab them with it right away, he's ready, here we go in and up - Gayle Bone People - Coccyx, look at him. fight, he knows it's going to happen, he doesn't know when, uh, tailbone, he puts on the mask, he twists his neck a little bit, he puts on the dreadlocks and these are not Occupy Wall Street dreadlocks, by the way, this is a guy black, this is direct racism.

This is a hate crime because since you're pretty sure your ex-wife used to fantasize about this guy doing the same thing she did, oh yeah, you want to do that to my wife, you'll never have a thicker boner than that angry racist. The jealousy boner veins are coming out of your head and nothing drives you crazier and when you get that boater you just get stuck in them like a fat salamander and you ride, you do that porn angle where you bend your dick down and do push ups deep knees. so you can look at the people you have, 55,000 people are now standing there singing for you, hey, low key, like that guy, this is their home field and suddenly they're on your side, oh yeah, them.

When you're spilling

beer

, you can feel the rubber starting to slip but you don't care, this is my day, they love me, I've got a pitch and rainbows up, break it and you do it, you're not even done. You come when you take out your penises, you continue with the fire hoses swinging back and forth, getting rid of the last spurts and you have a celebration dance in the end zone that you have worked in the

hall

way mirrorall season long, a nasty little old school thing. the ball right next to his head is blubbering like snot bubbles and crying not even trying to get up this is still dilated with spasms his is winking like a cyclops in a storm trying to regain its original shape a milky tear drips down the The tail cries for you and you flow out of this perfect Sunday afternoon in this perfect dream back to the stark reality of its simple vision as a middle-aged guy with bloated posts with a yellowish gummy lump sum calming in your intestinal hair and you look around you. you feel immediate remorse and shame.

I let the rubber drop inside that guy. How irresponsible it is to know what we know today to just fuck a guy bareback. I don't know where that guy has been. I know where he's going. He is going to enter free agency. 32 now has knees cause he's lucky if he's warming a bench in Jacksonville but I don't know where he's been bareback he might have fantasy AIDS as we speak I'll do it again and while you're dealing with this I want to escape you watch TV pink shoes I have to think about breast cancer on top of this problem you're ruining the integrity of the game breast cancer this is what we do on sundays to forget how much we hate ourselves and I don't No, I hope I'm not upset, but as an openly gay comedian I feel the responsibility to talk about many topics that, friend, what are you going to test me?

You don't know if I'm lying, I can be. As gay as I want to be up here, you'll tie me to a chair and blow loads in my face to see if I'm lying when I say I love it, okay, whatever it takes, I'm gay. I'm gay and you should be gay. I come out of the closet all the time. It's fun for me. Do it all the time. Don't tell lies to your friends and family or lead a fake life, but if you are just in some social situation. people you don't know, if you can stop saying I'm gay in a conversation that's not relevant or I have to tell you, just leave it as an aside, is it just you and your girlfriend for breakfast?

Uh, that's not my girlfriend. I'm gay but it's just two of us. Is it a buffet or can I order something from the menu? Just come if everyone was someone else. I guess they're just gay because here's the thing. I love homosexuality, I defend it, but I don't hate it enough. Liam is digging the hole. I love our bright. We don't have to do that. Is the same. I live to have nothing against the Jews. I hate Jews. Lady in clam choking. Not Janka. I'm allergic? That's right, personally, I don't like that. I hate anyone who leads with their homo or straight sexuality.

If I know your sexuality in the first 30 seconds of meeting you, you're annoying. Straights are the same way if you have naked woman fenders. There you have it, Oh, after you show that you want to go to Hooters or just watch the cheerleading game, just go to a basement and masturbate, thirteen year old teenager, and then come back when we have a regular conversation. It's okay, that's why I like to come out like a normal guy, a guy on the plane that goes, yeah, I remember when the stewardesses used to be attractive, now they're all fat, go, yeah, I'm with you, buddy, I apreciate it.

God, I'm weird because they're already fat, but simply because maybe somewhere around you, when you become normal, I'm gay, in a conversation there's a teenager who is coming to terms with the fact that he's gay and terrified not just because being gay, maybe he thinks he has to jump out of the cake and ride on a float, assless guys, gay Ice Capades and he hears you say he's like a normal guy, I'm gay and he's like, oh, I can do it. that I can be a simple Anderson Cooper Todd Glass Joel Osteen and you give them courage and now it's on the Supreme Court for gay marriage and I hope you get it, you get the right to get married and then you don't, it's important to get the right to not just symbolically , but sometimes you have to be married to game the system, you need the insurance, you need the inheritance, you need to unplug, maybe you just need to bring someone cool into the country, yeah, so you need it for that, but don't do it if you don't It's necessary, it's like the civil rights movement where black people had to fight for the right to eat at the same counter once you won that right.

I hope you haven't, as a racist why would you support their business? unless you're just trying to make it with him and show up just because he doesn't want you which I understand and maybe that's where you started not tipping, if so every tradition has to start somewhere let's close for one good cause, have a great night. It's Portland, it was nice to be back. I'll see you soon. So, would you mind going back down the stairs? Yes, they are totally my wood. Oh, great, sorry. Oh, would you have another camera? No that's all. I want them to do it.

Go back up - Do you want to be followed? But I just asked myself to come back down here. Oh, I'm sure you want to, but I don't know, yes, yes, thank you. You're going down the stairs. Okay, bye, that was a show. brought to you by me