An Escalator Can Never Break - Mitch Hedberg: Comedy Central Presents - Full Special

tonight from the palace in hollywood california

comedy

central

presents

mitch

hedberg

thank you welcome to my half hour

special

does anyone know who i am? Why did a group of people who don't know who I am show up at my

special

? I used to live here. in los angeles in sierra bonito and i had an apartment and i had a neighbor and every time he touched my wall i knew he wanted me to lower the volume of my music and that made me angry because i liked loud music so when he touched the wall i I would poke his head and tell him to go around I can't open the wall I don't know if you have a door handle on the other side but there's nothing here it's just flat I like an

escalator

man because the

escalator

can

never

break

, can only become stairs, okay, there would

never

be an escalator temporarily out of order, only an escalator stares temporarily, sorry for the convenience, I rent a lot of cars, you know, because I go out on the road, I rent a car and When I drive a rental car, I don't know what's going on with it, so a lot of times I drive like 10 miles with the emergency brake on, that doesn't say much to me, but it really doesn't say much. for the emergency brake it's not really an emergency brake, it's an emergency it makes the car smell funny lever you know you can't please all the people all the time and last night all those people were at my show to do this show that made me I had to like take a physical exam, they asked me a ton of medical questions and they were yes and no questions but they were worded very strangely like have you ever tried sugar or pcp but I'm a standing committee .

I got into

comedy

to do comedy, which is weird, I know, but when you're in Hollywood and you're a comedian, everyone wants you to do other things besides comedy, they're like, "Okay, you're a comedian." Can you act? You can write? Write us the script you want. Let him do things related to comedy, but not with comedy. That is not fair. It's like I'm a cook and I work hard to become a good cook. I said: Okay, you're a cook, can you farm? The program is going well. I guess I'm trying to feel it. I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn't have one, so I bought a cake.

I went to a concert in New York City, where I lived. It was a heavy metal band called Monster. magnet, they were heavy, boy, the singer had no shirt and leather pants and he played like a flying V guitar and he stood on the monitor and yelled at the crowd, he said how many of you feel like human beings tonight and then I said how many of you feel like animals and the thing is that you all applauded for the animal part but I applauded for the human beings part because I didn't know there was a second part of the question I said yes, I feel like a human .

Don't sit like a tree I don't have a girlfriend I just know a girl who would be very angry if she heard me say that I had a fight with a girlfriend inside a tent that's a bad place for an argument because then I tried to go out and close the tent lapel, how are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Close the zipper very quickly. I like to drink before the show. I have a couple of drinks before going on stage every time people applaud. I am always. Come on, no, no, wait, but alcoholism is a disease, but it's like the only disease you can get yelled at for being provocative.

Damn, you're an alcoholic. Damn, you have lupus. One of those two doesn't sound right. I want to be a passenger in a race car just a guy bothering the driver says man can I turn on the radio? You should slow down, well we gotta keep going in circles, man you really like the tide, I play golf, I'm not good at golf. I was never good, I never got a hole in one, but I hit a guy and that's a lot more satisfying. You're supposed to yell four, but I was too busy muttering that there's no way that's going to hit him.

I bought a donut and they. you gave me a receipt for the donut I don't need a receipt for a donut I'll just give you the money you give me the donut and the transaction we don't need to bring ink and paper to this I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought one Mrs. A skeptical friend. Don't even act like I didn't get that donut. I have the documentation right here. Oh wait, he's back home at the five under d for donuts, we all know that. What do I like baked potatoes?

I don't have a microwave oven. It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I just throw one in there even if I don't want one when it's ready. who knows I throw a potato and I'm going on vacation my friend did this to me my friend came up to me and told me this he said hey you know what I like mashed potatoes it's like friend, you have to give me time to guess if you're going to ask me, you should put heaps there. I had a box of ritz crackers and on the back of the box of ritz crackers it had all these suggestions for what to put on top of the ritz, so try it with turkey and cheese try it with peanut butter oh come on, they're crackers, for that's what I bought them.

I like cookies now there is no suggestion, put a ritz on top of the ritz. I didn't buy them because they are inedible. dishes sometimes I go to a craft fair I see a jar of jelly beans he said guess how many jelly beans are in the jar and you'll win a prize oh come on man let me eat some I'll tell you what Guess how many I want but you said a handful you have Right, I have two sisters and one of us is called Oneida and if you ask one if I'm weird, she'd probably say yes, but that's the other way around because she's weird because she has a husband. and two children and they have a family photo on top of her VCR.

Well, everyone looks slightly to the left as if something is happening there. The camera is right in front of you, but I guess something happened to the left that made Everyone happy, they said that my sister has crossed eyes, so she can't take it off. One eye is fine. She was at a casino standing by the door and a security guard walked up, so you'll have to move. blocking the fire escape like if there was a fire I wasn't going to run if you're flammable and you have legs you'll never block a fire escape I hate turkeys if you go to the grocery store and stand in front of the meat section for too long you start to get mad at the turkeys you see like turkey ham turkey pastrami turkey mortadella someone has to tell the turkey man just be yourself I already like it little brother you don't need to emulate the other animals you have your thing I used to draw you you know that if you were missing a couple of fingers would you draw a fucking turkey that turkey had an accident I have a lot of bars when I went a lot of bars have black lights when a bar has black lights everyone looks great except me because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

I think Pizza Hut is the snootiest pizza chain on the planet because Pizza Hut will accept all of the competition's coupons, which makes me wish I had my own. pizzeria

mitch

's pizzeria this week's coupon unlimited free pizza special note the coupe is not good at any of mitch's pizzerias free pizza oven with the purchase of our two small cokes for tuesday buy one pizza and get a free franchise each Every time I walk people try to hand me pamphlets and when someone tries to hand me a pamphlet it's like they're saying here, throw this in the trash, I can't floss, man, I can't get into the flossing thing, people smoke cigarettes.

They say, man, not you. I don't know how hard it is to quit smoking Yes I do, it's as hard as starting to floss. You seem nervous. Yes, I'm about to floss. I like cinnamon rolls, so I wish I could make a cinnamon roll incense because I don't. I don't always have time to make a pan, maybe I'd rather let it stick and let my roommates wake up with false hope. I played in the death metal band. People loved us or hated us or thought we were fine a lot of the time. Death metal bands have intense names like rigor mortis or mortuary or obituary we weren't that intense we just got injured later we changed it to acapella while we were leaving the pawn shop I guess a boy is a boy I don't know I know a lot about boys Look at him at the tobacco shop the man behind the concert what kind of guys do you like? uh it's guys, I was at a bar, I was minding my own business, no one was talking to me because I just made a show to this guy he ran into, which is cool, but he didn't apologize, he said move it and I thought it was rude so I said go to hell and then I started running, he caught up with me, he had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings. a pair of sunglasses, his arrows in a ponytail and he was wearing a hat, he said, hey, you have a lot of nerve, I said, hey, you have a lot of skull accessories, this is a smart crowd when I play dumb crowds, I have what to say you have a lot in your head acid was my favorite drug acid opened my mind, expanded my mind because of acid now I know butter is much better than margarine I saw through the bowl when I was taking acid I saw things like rays de Light and I heard sounds that sounded a lot like car horns when we were active, we went to the woods because when you're in the woods there's less chance of running into an authority figure, but we ran into a bear that It was even more exciting.

My friend Duane was standing there raising his right hand swearing to help prevent forest fires. We got him away from the bear. He put his arm around my shoulder. He said Mitchell Smokey is much more intense. I personally went to England to tell jokes and I wanted to do my smoking the bear joke in England, so I had to ask the English if they knew what Smokey the Bear was, but they don't know because in England, Smokey the Bear doesn't. is. The forest fire prevention representative has beaten the frog, it looks a lot like a bear, but it is a frog and I think it is a better system, I think we should adopt it.

Bears may be bad, but frogs are always cool like there's never been a jumping frog before. towards me and I thought man, I better play dead here comes that frog I have never said here comes that frog in a horrible way he is always optimistic like hey here comes that frog okay maybe he will settle near me and I can pet him and he put him in a mayonnaise jar with a stick and a leaf to recreate what you are used to. I always wear V-neck shirts. This is a V-neck. I have it on my neck.

A man so fragile that I can't wear a shirt with a normal collar. It hurts and I especially hate turtlenecks since wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a very weak guy all day, if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack it's like a weak guy is trying to take you down , you know, when you go to a restaurant on the weekends. it fills up so they start a waiting list, they start calling out names, they say like dufresne party two, table ready for dufresne party of two and if no one answers they will say the name again, dufresne party a two, but no one answers.

I'll skip ahead to your next named party of three, yes, but what happened to the Dufresnes. No one seems to care who gets to eat at a time like this. Some people are missing. You are selfish. The frames are in someone's trunk right now. duct tape over their mouth and they're hungry, that's a double whammy. We need help looking for Bush. A party of three can eat once they find the Dufresnes. I think Pringle's initial intention was to make tennis balls, but the day the rubber was supposed to appear, a big truck

full

of potatoes arrived and Pringles is a quiet company, they said they eliminated them, I wrote a script and gave it to them to a guy who reads scripts and he read it and said he really likes it but he thinks I need to rewrite it I said I'll just make a copy I love you guys thanks for coming to my special you guys