Donald Trump Terrified of Getting Coronavirus

PLEASE RELAX. HAPPY DAY AFTER SUMMER DAY. HOW ARE YOU APPEARING THAT? ALL ALRIGHT? YESTERDAY MORNING WAS OUR ANNUAL REMINDER THAT WE ARE NOT AS SMART AS OUR MICROWAVE OVENS. GUILLERMO HAD A GREAT WEEK. AND CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU, GUILLERMO. Guillermo: OH, THANK YOU JIMMY. Jimmy: WELCOME. THIS IS FROM A HORSE RACE IN TAMPA BAY ON SATURDAY. AND HE LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE A WINNER AMONG US. KING WILLIAM NOW GOES TO THE TRACK. INSIDE THE LAST FURLONG, DO YOU BELIEVE THIS? KING WILLIAM. WIN IMPRESSIVELY. LOOK, I'M A RIDER! Jimmy: I HAD NO IDEA YOU WERE RUNNING. WHAT'S THE NAME OF YOUR HORSE, GUILLERMO?

PEPE. Jimmy: PEPE. COINCIDENTALLY IT'S ALSO HIS DOG'S NAME. THE CORONAVIRUS - THIS CORONAVIRUS IS THE ONLY THING I HEAR ABOUT - WHO? PEOPLE ARE SELLING STOCKS AND BUYING TOILET PAPER. AND IF YOU ARE BUYING TOILET PAPER, I HAVE A QUESTION. WHY DO YOU BUY TOILET PAPER? I THINK YOU HAVE YOUR BODY BACKWARDS BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE CANCELING EVENTS. THE SOUTH BY SOUTHWEST FESTIVAL IN AUSTIN WAS CANCELED OVER THE WEEKEND. THERE IS TALK THAT THEY CAN HOLD NBA GAMES WITHOUT FANS IN THE CROWD. ITALY THE COUNTRY IS CLOSED. TRUE. I try to worry too much about these kinds of things, but then I saw this headline over the weekend, and to me now this is serious.

COSTCO IS PICKING UP THEIR FREE SAMPLES from him. TRUMP NEEDS TO SEND MIKE PENCE TO COSTCO TO FIX THIS RIGHT NOW. THIS IS ALSO TERRIFYING NEWS FOR COSTCO BUYERS. THIS WAS ALSO FROM THE WEEKEND. DO PUBLISHED, "CORONAVIRUS? WHO'S AFRAID?" I DON'T KNOW. ARE THOSE TWO SEPARATE QUESTIONS OR ONE? BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE WITH A MASK WE ARE AFRAID, ALL OF US. I HAVE BEEN DOING MY PART TO FIGHT THE CORONAVIRUS. THE VIRUS WE ARE TRYING TO SPREAD IS CALLED ELBUMP. THERE IS. E-L-B-U-M-P. WE MARKED THIS LAST WEEK. And it seems to be catching on. FOR EXAMPLE, IN KELLY AND RYAN, THERE'S WHITNEY CUMMINGS DOING THE VERY ELEGANT BUMP.

MIKE AND TONY SORRY THE INTERRUPTION. DJIMON HOUNSOU. COACH K AND ROY WILLIAMS. EVEN VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE IS PARTICIPATING. PUT IT THERE, SOUL BROTHER. KEEP DOING IT. JUST GET THE HABIT OF DOING IT. THE PRESIDENT PUBLICLY SEEMS DETERMINED TO CONTINUE SHAKING HAND. HE HAS SAID THAT AND HE WON'T CANCEL HIS MINIMUM. BUT A REPORT OUT TODAY FROM "VANITY FAIR" SAYS HE'S PRIVATELY TERRIFIED OF CONTRACTING THE VIRUS AND THINKS JOURNALISTS WILL TRY TO GET CORONAVIRUS ON PURPOSE TO GIVE IT TO HIM ON AIR FORCE ONE. Well, that doesn't seem paranoid at all. ON FRIDAY THE PRESIDENT SIGNED A CONGRESS FUNDING BILL TO HELP FIGHT THE VIRUS.

AND REALLY PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT IT SAYS HERE. SO WE ARE SIGNING THE 8.3 BILLION. I ORDERED 2 1/2 AND I HAVE 8.3. AND I WILL TAKE IT. Jimmy: HE ONLY ASKED FOR 2 1/2 BILLION. CONGRESS SAID WE AUTHORIZED 8.3 BILLION. AND YOU PRESUME THAT YOU WANTED LESS? I DON'T KNOW. It's not like that, he somehow finds a way to show off everything. AND AT THE SIGNING SOMEONE ASKED HER ABOUT ELIZABETH WARREN AND IF SEXISM PLAYED A ROLE IN HER CAMPAIGN NOT WORKING. AND YOU WILL BE SURPRISED TO HEAR THAT IT DOESN'T. SHE DESTROYED MIKE BLOOMBERG VERY FAST. LIKE IT WAS NOTHING. IT WAS EASY FOR HER.

PEOPLE DO NOT LIKE. SHE IS A VERY BAD PERSON. AND PEOPLE DON'T LIKE IT. PEOPLE DON'T WANT THAT. THEY LIKE A PERSON LIKE ME, THAT'S NOT BAD. Jimmy: SEE YOU, LOSERS. I LIKE WHEN THE SHIRT IS UNBUTTONED A LITTLE. TRUMP WOKE UP BRIGHT AND EARLY THIS MORNING TRYING TO PLAY OFF THE VIRUS. HE WROTE, "SO LAST YEAR 37,000 AMERICANS DIED FROM THE COMMON FLU. AN AVERAGE BETWEEN 27,000 AND 70,000 PER YEAR. NOTHING IS CLOSED. LIFE AND THE ECONOMY GO ON. RIGHT NOW THERE ARE 546 CONFIRMED CASES OF CORONAVIRUS WITH 22 DEATHS . THINK ABOUT IT." NO, THINK ABOUT THAT. YOU ARE THE PRESIDENT. 546 AND 22 DEATHS ARE NOT GOOD NEWS.

IF YOU FOUND OUT THAT 546 OF YOUR FRIENDS WERE ON TIK TOK, WOULD YOU NOT SAY, WELL, GOOD, GLAD, THANK GOD, THAT'S OVER. THE PRESIDENT WENT BY THE CDC HEADQUARTERS ON FRIDAY. THAT'S THE CENTER FOR DISEASE CONTROL. TO EXPLAIN TO THE EXPERTS WHO ARE WORKING ON THE VIRUS THAT HE IS ALSO AN EXPERT. I LIKE THIS BOY. YOU KNOW, MY UNCLE IS A GREAT PERSON. I WAS AT MIT. I TEACHED AT MIT. BECAUSE I THINK LIKE A RECORD NUMBER OF YEARS. HE WAS A GREAT SUPERGENIUS. DR. JOHN TRUMP. I LIKE THIS THING. I REALLY UNDERSTAND IT. THEY ARE SURPRISED THAT I UNDERSTAND.

EACH OF THESE DOCTORS SAID HOW DO YOU KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT THIS? MAYBE I HAVE A NATURAL SKILL. MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE DONE THAT INSTEAD OF RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT. Jimmy: YES. I AGREE WITH THAT. THEY HAVE ALL THE NOBEL PRIZES YOU WOULD HAVE WON NOW. EVERYONE RELAXED. TRUMP'S UNCLE WAS A SUPER GENIUS. THEN THE PRESIDENT TREATED THESE HEALTH OFFICIALS WITH ANOTHER HELP OF HUMILITY. LOOK AT THE GUY ON THE RIGHT HERE. THIS IS DR. STEVE MONROE. HE IS ONE OF THE BEST LABORATORY SCIENCE AND SAFETY EXPERTS IN THE WORLD. AND LOOK AT HIS FACE WHILE THE PRESIDENT SPEAKS.

THEY ARE MAKING MILLIONS MORE AS WE TALK. BUT NOW AND YESTERDAY, ANYONE WHO NEEDS PROOF, THAT'S WHAT'S IMPORTANT. AND THE TESTS ARE ALL PERFECT. LIKE THE LETTER WAS PERFECT. THE TRANSCRIPT WAS PERFECT. THIS WAS NOT SO PERFECT BUT PRETTY GOOD. Jimmy: THAT'S A LOOK AT SOME KIND OF MIX BETWEEN I WISH I WERE DEAD AND OH MY GOD WE'RE ACTUALLY GOING TO BE DEAD. BUT THE TESTS ARE PERFECT. EVERYTHING IS PERFECT. THAT'S WHY TRUMP FIRED HIS CHIEF OF STAFF OVER THE WEEKEND. IT WAS TOO PERFECT. MICK MULVANEY, TRUMP'S FOURTH CHIEF OF STAFF IN THREE YEARS, IS OUT.

HE WILL BE REPLACED BY CONGRESS MARK MEADOWS. MICK MULVANEY, NOW MARK MEADOWS. WORK IS BEING WORKED THROUGH MRS. KEEP YOUR FINGERS CROSSED, MATTHEW MODINE. Meanwhile, Trump was apparently upset that Mulvaney went to Las Vegas during this corona emergency. WHAT HE WOULD DO IF HE HAD NOT BEEN DISTURBED FROM HIS VACATION HOME IN FLORIDA, WHERE HE WENT DURING THE EMERGENCY. NOW, EFFORTS ARE BEING MADE TO REDUCE THE VIRUS AT THE LOCAL LEVEL. NEW YORK MAYOR BILL DE BLASIO URGES NEW YORKERS TO STAY INDOORS AND STAY AWAY FROM THE SUBWAY. Basically, the mayor is telling New Yorkers to avoid New York at all costs.

DE BLASIO ALSO SAID NEW YORKERS SHOULD REFRAIN FROM SHAKING HANDS, WHICH SHOULD NOT BE A PROBLEM. MOST NEW YORKERS DON'T EVEN LIKE TO MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH EACH OTHER. BUT THIS REPORT FOR ME SHEDS A LIGHT ON HOW THE CORONAVIRUS IS BEING RECEIVED IN THE BIG APPLE. I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING DIFFERENT. I STILL WASH MY HANDS WHEN I GO TO EAT OR GO OUT. AND I STILL WASH MYSELF. I WASH MY HANDS FOR AT LEAST 20 SECONDS. OFTEN. I WASH MY HANDS MORE. BUT NOT FOR 20 SECONDS. I DON'T HAVE PATIENCE FOR THAT. Jimmy: BUT SHE HAD THE PATIENCE TO TIE THAT SCARF IN SIX GIANT KNOTS.

THAT'S WHY I ALWAYS SAY BE PATIENT OR BE PATIENT. HAS BEEN MY MOTTO SINCE 1973. THIS IS INTERESTING. SENATOR TED CRUZ ANNOUNCED YESTERDAY THAT HE WAS PLACED UNDER QUARANTINE DUE TO THE VIRUS. So I guess every cloud has a silver lining. TED CALLS IT SELF-QUARANTINE. OTHERS CALL IT NOT HAVING FRIENDS. BUT TED CRUZ DECIDED TO PUT HIMSELF UNDER HOUSE ARREST BECAUSE HE CRASHED A CARRIER'S HAND AT CPAC THE PREVIOUS WEEK. AND I'M WORRIED ABOUT YOU. HE IS ACTUALLY SPENDING HIS QUARANTINE BEHIND THE SCENES OF OUR SHOW. CAN WE TAKE IT OUT FOR A SECOND? OH, HERE IT IS RIGHT HERE.

WELL. THERE IS. WELL, HEY, SENATOR, I WANT TO ASK: IS EVERYTHING OK THERE? I'M FINE, JIMMY. I'M JUST DOING MY PART TO KEEP AMERICA SAFE. Jimmy: Okay. WELL, THAT'S WHAT I LIKE TO HEAR. I HOPE YOU'RE WELL. I'M REALLY SORRY. THANK YOU, JIMMY. CAN I GET SOME OF THAT FOOD? Jimmy: OH, YES. ABSOLUTELY. I'LL GIVE A LITTLE. THERE. EAT EVERYTHING. WELL? Hey, she has some seaweed in her belly. LET'S CLEAN IT UP. HE IS A SENATOR. HAVE A LITTLE RESPECT, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. SEE YOU LATER, SENATOR CRUZ. GOOD LUCK. IS IT MORE THAN YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE?

JOE BIDEN IS NOT UNDER SELF-QUARANTINE. HE'S THERE SPREADING HIS STYLE OF LOOKY COMMON SENSE TO ANYONE WHO WILL LISTEN, INCLUDING THIS CONFUSED CROWD IN KANSAS CITY. CONVERT THIS PRIMARY FROM A CAMPAIGN THAT IS ABOUT NEGATIVE ATTACKS TO ONE THAT IS ABOUT WHAT WE ARE BECAUSE WE CAN'T GET RE-ELECTED, WE CAN'T WIN THIS RE-ELECTION, EXCUSE ME. WE CAN ONLY RE-ELECT DONALD TRUMP. If indeed we engage in this circular firing squad. Jimmy: OH, BOY. I DON'T KNOW.