Do You Have Post Betrayal Syndrome? | Debi Silber | TEDxCherryCreekWomen

you couldn't prepare yourself because you never saw it coming you didn't

have

your guard up because you thought you were safe it never occurred to you that the person you loved that you trusted and felt safe with would ever hurt you that's why you gave your heart you loved your loyalty your trust and then one day, out of nowhere, you make a painful discovery and that moment that changes your life is forever tattooed in your mind and in your heart says if the person you love the one you love Confident, they simply removed a mask, revealing who they

have

really been all along.

Your heart breaks and the pain is so raw, so real, so all-consuming that you can barely breathe. You feel like if that fool were to hit you, nothing makes sense, so you start questioning frantically. everything, including yourself, how did this happen, how did I not know, the shock, the lies, the deception, you feel so rejected, so abandoned, so alone, you don't know what to think, you don't know what to feel, you don't know what to do . The only thing you know for sure is that life will never be the same. That's what it feels like to be surprised by

betrayal

.

How do I know? Because that's what happened to me along with millions of other people struggling to make sense of and recover from one. One of the most painful human experiences was my

betrayal

first of my family and then of my husband that made me feel this way. I felt so sad, so hurt, so confused and that confusion sent me searching for answers I was desperate to find. understanding how the mind works why we do what we do and how that search could heal led me to a doctoral program in transpersonal psychology which is the psychology of transformation and human potential and while I was there I did a study, I studied how we experience tracking what holds us back what helps us heal and what happens to us physically, mentally and emotionally when the people closest to us lie cheat cheat that study led to three groundbreaking discoveries: the first was that healing from betrayal is very different from healing from other life crises death of a loved one illness natural disaster with any crisis we regret we are sad we cry but because the betrayal feels so intentional we take it so personally that the whole being has to be rebuilt rejection abandonment belonging trust dignity trust they all have to be rebuilt so that The type of healing needed its own name, which is now called

post

-betrayal transformation, the second discovery, while we can remain stagnant for years, decades in life and many of us do, yes We are going to heal, we will go through five stages, which is even more.

Exciting is now that we know what happens at each stage physically, mentally and emotionally and we know what it takes to move from one stage to the next, so now listening is not just hopeful or possible, it's predictable. I will never forget handing my research to my studio president who read it and said Debbie, I think you have discovered a process here, that was the moment I knew that millions of people would find comfort in knowing that there is a systematic approach to healing from something. what they thought they would never recover from. third discovery there is a collection of physical, mental and emotional symptoms so common in betrayal that is known as

post

-betrayal

syndrome

now here is the big mistake that we have been taught that time heals all wounds that is not true in a year we have We've had over 4,000 people take the Post Betrayal Syndrome Screening Questionnaire on our site to see to what extent they are still struggling at all ages in so many different countries and there is a question that says: Is there anything else you would like to share? in addition to reading about pain, anguish, physical pain? mental and emotional symptoms left behind these types of people write things like my betrayal happened 35 years ago I am not willing to trust again my betrayal happened 40 years ago I can still feel the hate my betrayal happened 15 years ago I feel gutted We have also learned that 67% of the people who answer the questionnaire prevent themselves from forming deep relationships because they are afraid of being hurt again. 84 percent have an inability to trust. 90 percent want to move on but don't know how to do it. betrayal affects all areas of life, it affects us in business or in relationships, where if we do not learn the deep lesson that the betrayal was there to teach, we have repeated betrayals, the face has changed, but it is the same or we put that big wall. up, we are not going to let anyone come close to our heart again, sure we keep the bad guys away, but we also keep the good guys away.

We see it in healthcare, where people spend so much time, money, effort and energy going to the best-intentioned people. doctors train healers, therapists to manage a stress-related symptom, an illness, an illness, the root of all that stress and unhealed betrayal, and we see it in business where people want to work as a team but They are so afraid of the person they trust the most. turned out to be unreliable, how did you adjust to a boss or a coworker or want to ask for that razor promotion? They deserve it but their trust was shattered in that betrayal so they don't ask and instead they are bitter and resentful and that's the energy they bring to work with them every day and what someone who has been betrayed This is the typical profile of the men and women we see on our shows every day.

Get to know Sue before she says a word. You can feel it stress her out. anxiety her sadness her pain she can't sleep so she's taking something to help her sleep maybe having a glass of wine or two she's exhausted so she's using sugar and caffeine for energy which is one of the reasons she's been Gaining weight recently, she said anxiously, she can't concentrate, so her doctor prescribed mood stabilizers and anti-anxiety medications to help her get through the day. manager's mood. her intestine is destroyed. Her immune system is destroyed. She is full of anguish, sadness, anxiety and grief because she has been taken by surprise. an experience with betrayal sue can't undo her betrayal just like I can't undo mine and you can undo yours what we can do is avoid how long it affects our relationships our health our work our lattes you see the gift in betrayal TRUE?

It lays the foundation for transformation if we are willing to use the experience as an opportunity to learn and grow. I'll explain what I mean using a house analogy. Look, here's the difference between resilience and transformation. Resilience is bringing back to restore. one word, that gold, you need that figure every day, the transformation is different, so using the house analogy, let's say the house needs a new boiler and you get that new boiler which is resilience, let's say it needs a new job of paint and your paint, which is resilience, you say it needs a new roof you get that new roof which is resilience you are bringing it back you are restoring here there is transformation a tornado passes through and destroys your house new boilers will not fix it a paint job new won't fix it New roofs aren't going to fix it and, in fact, all three aren't going to fix it.

No, you have every right to stand there on the lot where your house once stood and say, "Oh my God, this is the scariest, most horrible, most tragic thing I've ever seen." What have you ever seen, and you would be right, you can call your friends and say, look at this, is this it? It's the most horrible, terrible, tragic, horrible thing you've ever seen. They disagree. You have every right to stay there on the lot. where your house once stood and mourn the loss of your house until your last breath, however, if you choose to rebuild your house, remember that you don't have to do anything, but if you choose to rebuild your house, why would you build the same house?

There is nothing. So why don't you bet on everything that the old house didn't have? You want to make it bigger, better, more beautiful. Rebuilding is always a choice if you rebuild and move on. That's what I did with my family. Or if the situation lends itself to it, if you're willing and if. you want to rebuild a completely different relationship with the person who hurt you and that's what I did with my husband not long ago he has two totally different people we get married again your rings your vows you get dressed and this time our four children it's our wedding party the trauma is the stage for transformation if you imagine a pendulum before the trauma we are like this and then the trauma sends us here this is not the problem the problem is not that you are here the problem is that you stayed here the promise that you feel like you belong here the problems you plant roots here not here is where you gather your thoughts here is where you create a new plan here we have all the motivation and incentive to make this turn towards greatness when If you think of any thought leader of our time, they are not teaching us a lot from here and there is too much painting to show us from here.

They have done this and this is what they are teaching us to do when you recover. your betrayal you learn to love again trust again feel safe again open your heart again when you heal you learn that even though they did it to you it wasn't about you when you heal you see a version of yourself emerge that you would never have shown That experience doesn't happen and when you take your trauma and turn it into transformation, it's an idea worth spreading, thank you.