Deal or No Deal Cold Open - SNL

AND NOW IS "DEAL OR NO DEAL" TIME. GOVERNMENT CLOSED WITH YOUR HOST, HOWIE MANDELL! I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY. It's me, Steve Harvey. KNOW? Howie is sick. He is GERMOPHOBE. YESTERDAY I THOUGHT, "Come on, Howie, shake someone's hand," and he shook it, two hours after Ebola. BAD, HOWIE. VERY NOW, OUR GOVERNMENT HAS BEEN CLOSED FOR LIKE A MONTH. I spent two hours at TSA in Atlanta yesterday and they thought he was smuggling extra teeth into my mouth. LET'S GET OUT THE GUY WHO SAID HE WOULD OWN THE CLOSURE. He's the president and we both have ties long enough to be trapped in a room.

PLEASE WELCOME DONALD TRUMP! THANK YOU STEVE. TREMENDOUS TO BE HERE. SIMPLY TREMENDOUS. WOW, IT WAS A LONG RACE. VERY GOOD, TODAY YOU WERE ON TV AND YOU TOLD THE AMERICAN PEOPLE THAT YOU WANT TO MAKE A DEAL. THAT'S RIGHT, STEVE. OKAY, SO WE DECIDED TO DO THIS IN THE ONLY FORMAT YOU CAN UNDERSTAND, A TV GAME SHOW WITH WOMEN HOLDING BRIEFCATES. OKAY, NOW IN YOUR BRIEF CASE HERE, YOU HAVE THE OFFER THAT CONGRESS OFFERED YOU IN DECEMBER. AND I SAID NO DEAL. YES. NO ONE IS EXCITED ABOUT HIM THAT PLAYER. WHAT WAS YOUR COUNTER OFFER TODAY?

I WANT $5 BILLION FOR MY BIG BORDER WALL, AND IN EXCHANGE I WILL EXPAND DACA AND FREE CHILDREN FROM CAGES SO THEY CAN BE, YOU KNOW, CHILDREN IN FREEDOM. GOOD. Well, let's see the members of Congress willing to offer him a new

deal

to make this nonsense go away. VERY WELL, WHAT DO YOU SAY, MR. PRESIDENT? FIVE. DO YOU WANT TO OPEN BRIEFCASE NUMBER FIVE? NO, I'M SAYING THAT MANY OF THESE WOMEN ARE FIVE. THE DAY OF THE WOMEN'S MARCH. OKAY, THEN I CHOOSE CASE NUMBER THREE. FANCY NANCY PALOSER. I'M STILL WORKING ON THE NICKNAME. WELL, THAT'S A GREAT PLAYER START.

Okay, Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi. Nancy, how are you feeling tonight? ME? JUST NORMAL. NOT LIKE DRUNK ON MY OWN POWER OR ANYTHING. WELL, WOW. Now you rejected the President's offer this afternoon. WHICH IS A SHAME BECAUSE I HATE TO SAY NO, SIR. TRIUMPH. GOOD. I'M AFRAID. All right, let's see what's in the briefcase, Nancy. A BILLION DOLLARS, AND HE SAYS NANCY IS MY MOM. WELL, BILLION DOLLARS FOR BORDER SECURITY. THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY. YES, BUT IT'S NOT 5 BILLION, AND I NEED $5 BILLION BECAUSE THAT'S THE FIRST RANDOM NUMBER I SAID. NO DEAL. OH, NO.

IT'S YOU6 I ALMOST GAVE MY THIRD MIRTH OF THE DAY. I'M SORRY, MR. PRESIDENT. IF THE GOVERNMENT CLOSES YOU CAN'T MAKE THE STATE OF THE UNION. IT'S FOR SAFETY REASONS, NOT BECAUSE I'M VINDICTIVE OR ANYTHING. I CAN'T DO THE STATE OF THE UNION, SO GUESS WHAT. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO FLY TO AFGHANISTAN. OH NO! CAN I NOT GO ON VACATION TO A WAR ZONE? WHAT WILL I DO? YOU KNOW, THAT WAS LIKE WATCHING TWO GRANDPARENTS FIGHTING OVER THE THERMOSTAT. VERY GOOD NANCY, YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE. DONNY, LET'S CHOOSE ANOTHER PLEASE. I'LL TAKE THAT OLDER JEWISH WOMAN IN CASE FOUR.

WELL, she THAT'S CHUCK SCHUMER. OH, OKAY. YOU KNOW, I AM VERY HAPPY FOR ANY ATTENTION. VERY GOOD CHUCK, WHAT'S YOUR OFFER? MY OFFER IS, WHATEVER YOU WANT. WE DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE. I'm not going to give in like this. OH RIGHT, YES, PROJECTING FORCE. Well, in that case, I'm going to put on my fiery red cheetahs. AND MY DEAL IS $15, AND A PASTRAMI ON RYE. WELL, "DEAL OR NO DEAL", MR. PRESIDENT. AND REMEMBER, EVERY TIME YOU CHOOSE NOT TO MAKE A DEAL, HALF A MILLION FEDERAL EMPLOYEES WORK ONE MORE DAY WITHOUT PAY. COOL STORY BROTHER. NO DEAL.

WELL, SPEAKING OF CHARGING, I NEED TO THANK OUR SPONSORS TONIGHT. GREEN MEAT. IT SHOULD NOT BE GREEN, BUT THERE'S NO ONE AT THE FDA TO INSPECT IT. AND ALSO, THE OLD WOMAN IN THE INNER TUBE IN THE OCEAN. THE COAST GUARD WILL BE BACK SOON. Hang in there, BETH. VERY GOOD, CHOOSE NEW PLAYER. I SURE WILL, PLAYER. HEY, HEY, IT DOESN'T WORK BOTH WAYS. I'M NOT KANYE. OKAY, I'LL GO WITH CASE NINE, STEVE. WELL, THAT'S PLAYBOY MITCH McCONNELL. YOU CAN'T JUST DISAPPEAR IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS. COME NOW. GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR SHELL. WE HAVE A SMALL PIECE OF JUICY LETTUCE FOR YOU.

Well, it's not going to be much help, Mr. PRESIDENT. BUT I HAVE TO ASK, WHO ARE YOU PLAYING FOR TONIGHT? I'M PLAYING FOR A SMALL CHARITY CALLED HABITAT FOR HANNITY TO HELP SEAN HANNITY BUILD A SECOND BEACH HOUSE. JUST CHOOSE ANOTHER NUMBER. THAT'S NUMBER FIVE. I SAID THAT MAXINE IS A PERSON WITH A VERY LOW IQ. NOW I CAN QUOTE YOUR TAX RETURNS WHENEVER I WANT. A REAL GENIUS AND BEAUTIFUL. THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT, MOTHER. VERY GOOD, WHY DON'T YOU CHOOSE AGAIN? IS THAT CARDI B CASE EIGHT? THAT'S ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ. THIS IS GOOD. THEY ARE JUST TERRIFIED OF ME BECAUSE I'M UNDER 100 AND I UNDERSTAND HOW TO USE INSTAGRAM.

MITCH McCONNELL IS ALREADY "BIRD BOX" ING. CORY BOOKER? BOOKER 2020. OH MY GOD, NOT ANOTHER NOR. CONGRESS STEVE KING OF IOWA. WHITE. AT LEAST THE GUY IS CONSISTENT. Okay, wait a second. This TIME IT'S CARDI B. THIS IS NOT MY BUSINESS, BUT FUCKING MONEY. THIS GOVERNMENT IS GOING TO BE CLOSED FOR LIKE A YEAR. LET'S TAKE A REST. I WANT TO OPEN THE CASE OF THE CLEMSON FOOTBALL PLAYER. THAT'S A CRAVE WHITE CASTLE CASE. WHAT? ARE YOU FINISHING THE CLOSING OF A HAMBERDER? WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT MAKES AS MUCH SENSE AS ANYONE WHO GOES TO THESE DEAD AND LIVES FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!