Impeachment Fantasy Cold Open - SNL

♪♪♪ ORDER. ORDER IN THE CHAMBER. I AM PRESIDING JUSTICE JOHN ROBERTS AND I WILL SUPERVISE THESE PROCEEDINGS WITH A COMPLETE VIEW OF DISINTEREST. YOU WILL BE THE HELL. JUDGE MATHIS? THAT'S CORRECT. THIS COURT NEEDS A REAL JUDGE WHO HAS SOME BIG BRASS UNDER HIS SKIRT. DO YOU WANT MY DECK? I BROUGHT MINE. CAREFUL. WE ARE ABOUT TO MAKE THIS JUDGMENT RIGHT. Where's that sneaky little MITCH? ♪♪♪ YES? Hello, I'm a sneaky little MITCH, your honor. AND I WANT TO REMIND THE AMERICAN PEOPLE THAT ALL MEN ARE INNOCENT ONCE PROVEN GUILTY. YOU MEAN, UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY? HE HE HE HE HE.

SURE. WE GOT LINDSEY GRAHAM HERE. THANK YOU, SIR. NOW I CAN BE A SUPER FIELD PERSON. I HAVE STUDY THIS FROM TOP TO BOTTOM. I SEE NO OTHER OPTIONS. I'm not getting re-elected unless I kiss Mr. TRUMP SAND AND TICKLE HIS COOKIES. THAT'S WHY I DECLARE THAT HE IS INNOCENT. DON'T YOU WORRY HOW THIS WILL HAPPEN IN THE STORY? WHERE I COME FROM, WE HAVE ALL THE HISTORY BOOKS, THE T-REX HAS GIVEN THE CONFEDERATE FLAG TO JESUS. I'M OVER THIS NONSENSE. WE CALL WITNESSES, BECAUSE THIS IS HOW A TRIAL WORKS. BRING YOUR RAT'S ASS HERE. MR.

BOLTON, WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF? YOUR HONOR. THE THINGS I SAW PRESIDENT TRUMP DO AND SAY MADE ME DEEPLY CONCERNED ABOUT THE FUTURE OF DEMOCRACY. WHY ARE YOU ONLY COMING OUT WITH THIS NOW? BECAUSE I'M A NAKED BITCH WHO LOVES DRAMA. I LIKE THIS. DON'T LEAVE ME IN RED. Give me some of that hot tea. WHAT ELSE IS IN THAT BOOK OF YOURS? SORRY, JUDGE. NO MORE FREE SPOILERS. BUT YOU CAN PRE-ORDER THE BOOK NOW. IT'S CALLED "HARRY POTTER AND THE ROOM WHERE IT HAPPENED." YOUR HONOR, I OPPOSE. IF WE HEAR FROM JOHN BOLTON, WE SHOULD ALSO HEAR FROM HUNTER BIDEN.

YOU KNOW I'M ALSO CALLING HUNTER BIDEN. WHAT DO YOU THINK, I HATE FUNNY WITNESSES? THE COURT CALLS HUNTER BIDEN. ♪♪♪ HUNTER, THANK YOU FOR COMING. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS, MY SCHEDULE WAS OPEN. HOW EXACTLY ARE YOU MIXED IN THIS? I AM NOT. THE PRESIDENT IS ONLY SIGNING ME TO DISTRACT ME FROM HIS OWN CRIMES. WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT JOB? I AM ON THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS OF A BRAZILIAN OIL COMPANY CALLED NEPOTISM. DID YOU ONLY GET THE JOB BECAUSE OF YOUR FATHER? THAT'S CORRECT. I HAVE BEEN LETTING FOREIGN LEADERS STAY IN BIDEN LAKE. NO, THAT'S THE PRESIDENT.

YOU BURNED. THIS IS RIDICULOUS. HE CLEARLY RECEIVED MONEY IN EXCHANGE FOR POLITICAL INFLUENCE. WHICH REMINDS ME. COAL. BEAUTIFUL, CLEAN. THE PATH OF THE FUTURE. THIS MUCH OF CARBON CAN LIGHT A BULB FOR ALMOST TWO MINUTES. AND I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE A QUICK ONE FOR GUNS. WEAPONS. YOU CAN'T WATCH THE SUPER BOWL WITHOUT A GUN. EVERYTHING WELL. THERE WILL BE NO MORE ANNOUNCEMENTS IN MY COURT ROOM. SO, SIR, I WOULD LIKE TO CALL THREE MORE LAWYERS ON BEHALF OF PRESIDENT TRUMP. YOU MUST GET UP, DONNA TELLO. IN THIS VERSION OF THE TRIAL, THE PRESIDENT DEFENDS HIMSELF.

COURT CALLS PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP GOOD. NOW WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE? YOUR HONOR, I AM A VERY SICK OLD MAN. HOW COULD I RETAIN AID FROM UKRAINE? I can barely move around the house. PRESIDENT TRUMP ARE YOU DEALING WITH WEINSTEIN RIGHT NOW? IN WHICH WAY, BECAUSE HARVEY AND I OVERLAP IN SOME AREAS. MR. PRESIDENT, WHAT IS YOUR DEFENSE? MY DEFENSE IS VERY SIMPLE, SIR. I AM GUILTY, BUT IT'S NOTHING. GOOD. THAT'S A WARNING. DO DEMOCRATS HAVE AN ANSWER? ADAM SCHIFF? THANK YOU, SIR. MR. SCHIFF, ARE YOU CRYING? NO, IT'S JUST MY GECKO EYES HAVE BEEN OPEN FOR 86 CONTINUOUS HOURS.

THERE YOU GO, SCHIFF SHIFFTY, TWO SCHIFF TO THE WIND. SORRY, THAT'S ONE OF MY FAMOUS MINI-BEATS. I NEED A REAL LAWYER, WHO IS NEARBY. WHERE'S MY COUSIN VINNY? YOUR HONOR, DO I OPPOSE THIS WHOLE LINE OF QUESTIONNAIRE? DO YOU OPPOSE? THAT'S CORRECT. THERE'S NO WAY THIS TRUMP GUY ONLY MET WITH TWO UKES. TWO WHAT? DID YOU JUST SAY UKES? YES, TWO UKES, TWO UKRAINIANS. THAT'S TOO DUMB EVEN FOR THIS, MY COUSIN VINNY. PRESIDENT TRUMP, WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE A CLOSING STATEMENT? I WOULD, YOUR HONOR. TAKE OFF THAT PHIL SPECTOR WIG. WELL, ACTUALLY I THOUGHT IT WAS AN IMPROVEMENT, BUT WELL.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THIS HOUSE OF GOVERNMENT. WHAT I HAVE LEARNED FROM THIS TRIAL IS THAT CLEARLY NOTHING I DO OR SAY HAS ANY CONSEQUENCES. SO I WOULD LIKE TO COMPLAIN. THE CALL WITH UKRAINE WAS NOT PERFECT, IT WAS ILLEGAL. And, frankly, it was a full dial. And frankly, I watch CNN ALL THE TIME. AND IT'S AWESOME, I HATE IOWA, MICHIGAN, PENNSYLVANIA ARKANSAS AND WEST VIRGINIA. WEST CAROLINA, SORRY. I SEE HIM ALL THE TIME IN GOLF, TEXAS, HE IS NOT 239 POUNDS, BUT 475 POUNDS. AND I REALLY DON'T NEED THIS WALKER EITHER, EVEN THOUGH IT HELPS ME BE LAZHER, WHICH I LIKE.

WHAT OTHER THING? I CUT OFF FUNDING TO THE CDC, SO THIS WANG CHUNG VIRUS IS GOING TO BE REALLY BAD. BUT THIS TEST HAS BEEN INCREDIBLE BECAUSE NOW I HAVE A BEST FRIEND. MITCH McCONNELL. IT'S A RIDE OR DIE BITCL. AND WE'RE GOING TO BE LINKED FOREVER, RIGHT, MITCH? ♪ WHAT HAVE I DONE ♪ ♪ WHO AM I NOW ♪ ♪ I HAVE THROWDED ALL MY DIGNITY ♪ ♪ I AM A CLOWN ♪ ♪ THAT IS INSULTING TO CLOWNS ♪ VERY WELL, JUDGE MATHIS FINDS THE ACCUSED GUILTY ON ALL CHARGES, HE IS FINED WITH $10,000 And I'm forcing him to say something nice about Nancy Pelosi. GOOD.

HER BODY IS AN 8. I TAKE IT. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT