Comedy Central Presenta: No Somos Princesas | COMPLETO | #StandUpEnVivo

And what a thrill it is to have that threat, even if you don't realize how they are, I'm Michelle Rodriguez, I'm an actress, and recently in an interview they asked me what was the most beautiful thing about being a real woman, like, what is the most beautiful thing about being a real woman, I didn't know what. first answer was like but I think that the most beautiful thing about being a real woman is that I am real and that I breathe that I feel and above all because my body is not made of metal my body is not made of wood my body is not made of cardboard or of good thing it's not plastic not because imagine that I was an inflatable doll well no no because inflatable dolls have a burr on the edge I didn't say that it is a real woman with whom this boy practiced the interview with a toaster and when I was coming back to my house I asked myself what it means to be a real woman first of all that real no and I asked the man of the place today the man of the place what is real and he told me to real that it is not the barça and neither You understood him and he told me, well, look for it at the royal academy, miss, and make it clear to the royal academy, Toñita's, and there she is, she's the only one who hits the others, and he told me not in the dictionary, when the local one sends you to look in the dictionary you know something is wrong so I looked in the dictionary and it said it is the opposite of imaginary ok so yes I am a real woman because I put imaginary I am not one of you you see me everywhere I mean imaginary no maybe an imaginary fantasy I never then said, well, whoever this boy interviewed the mouse Pérez before or maybe he did interview an imaginary woman, you know that's how good it is and tell us what it feels like to be an imaginary woman, thank you, it was moving to keep searching and I said that real is what it refers to. to royalty then I am a princess and no one had told me clearly like Lady Di well no because the go and I wasn't a princess Lady Di- more it will be like a lucky village girl but I said I am a princess clearly and surely it happens like in the soap operas that I didn't know and that many years ago my real parents, the real ones, came in a beautiful carriage whose brakes were cut and then there was a crash and I rolled with my bassinet down a hill until we reached a river that led to the drain of a popular neighborhood where a goose picked me up and never told me that he had martial arts skills so with his back and then I said well if I'm a princess I want to be a mullan there are several other welcomes and then I said no because very long truth is she's not a princess either In reality, the franchise only invited her for being inclusive, it was like a look, man, we're just going to let you pass because she fulfills two roles for us: that of the Asian woman and that of the welcome one, but since you're a real woman, you're real. or I know what happened when the turkey found out that it was a peacock, you know, it was like it opened in all its splendor, don't worry, I'm not going to open up and until you face it, I have a lot of elasticity, don't be afraid, it opened in all its splendor and he said song they don't rather he said how they are than pubs I mean this year I'm not going to go to Christmas dinner because I'm not a turkey I'm a peacock peace or what happened to the royal jelly not the royal jelly that he told the other jellies and I added them, they know that since you are only sugar and I have so many properties, I mean, I'm just going to feed the queen, smile, or what happened to Alicia Villarreal, just like you are Alicia Villarreal, what she said is one thing. strange to keep looking and I said what a real real woman is the one who does not fit into the established canons of beauty, that is, not even there, what are they trying to tell me, are you still the other day I saw a casting and the description of the character said then she transforms and everyone sees her as beautiful even though she presents herself as she is, I said, I mean, what are they trying to tell me?

I told the director, well, not pretty like that, and he told me not only when she transforms, when she's not like that, normal, that's why she's not pretty, I mean. When she transforms everyone pretends that they see her as beautiful but in reality she is the real one to say then I look up what canon of beauty means and it says that the canon of beauty is what society recognizes as beautiful or attractive, in other words what they are trying to tell me is why? So how are we going to use the term real now, you know, that is, it's going to be like you arrive at a kindergarten appointment and you're the real one.

I thought you had posted a fake photo and like that, of a friend, not millions because I'm leaving you. because the net, your girlfriend was very real and I don't know if we are not using well what is going to be tonight we present the good the bad and the real I mean they would have told me before because we have been ready for a mile and I am taking photos everywhere in power to 10 and more representing the woman, that is, there was a consultation or what, I didn't find out, I wonder one thing, this also works like this for men, so I asked the man from the über, hey, man from the ubr, let's see, tell me what would be a real name and he told me he didn't give a real name is that he puts up with the nonsense to think that he says things Chile so he likes sports and that the one who savané proud of his achievements and a perfect man sir and also the perfect name basically is The one who takes care of himself is the one who protects you, the one who cares about himself, the one who understands you, the one that I said is a woman, that is, they are loving me sometimes, so I told him to see, man of the place, then who is the perfect woman and he told me, oh.

Well, the perfect woman is the one who puts up with the party, the one who likes sports, the one who drinks chela, the one who tells you things in chile, I mean, I'm a man and he said no, well, yes, but with cheese, very tasty like a beard, I mean, what is he trying to tell me, so I told him, I mean, to be perfect you have to be a valuable woman. The perfect woman is Barby, who is a plastic woman. Let's see, for example, I thought the perfect woman always looks good, not then when you are a real woman what happens is like a non-humanitarian I combed my hair because I'm looking for a girl I'm a real woman well I had to come so I got on the perfect woman goes running every day so what happens to real women with little sister it's raining oh no It's just that since right now I'm a real woman, if I'm not running I don't know if we're using the term correctly.

I think that in reality we're all the same, or well, we're all different, no longer, girls, all women are different. I think we're all real, but We are different and we are not perfect always real never perfect I am not all women we are different we are tall short fat skinny tall lesbians trans vegan gluten free and some are 100% biodegradable I say some because well there are some that are a little more customized and they are also real I mean, some of us have the bag here at the bonfire and others have a bag of saline solution in the UVI.

They are also real, so some have the beautiful tattoo and some of us have the beautiful tattoo that Mother Nature gave us in the stretch mark and the benabarre in In reality, I believe that we are all real with our defects and our virtues, with love and lack of love, soft as seagulls, but without the White House, and I wonder how little we would like to be all the same girls. Just imagine that all women were the same. I The only advantage that I see is that we would never have suffered the trauma of accomplices to the rescue.

From there, I don't see anything else that is worth it. I want, above all, this about the canons of beauty. Who said where they didn't say and I don't? I know if we all want to belong to them because now it turns out that no one follows rules but that rule does, that is, we all go over the red flags we all exceed the safety speed limit not all of us have unprotected sex with strangers it's not true mom it's for illustrative purposes she Yes, but she is a countess and we follow those rules to the letter and I also already realized why the canons of beauty change, it is a trap, girls, I started searching, look at the prehistory, I am telling you a real woman, not being called perfect.

No Venus, I would be a Paleolithic Venus, but minus these little Renaissance cheeks, what a real woman and nothing, a cherub, so I want to ask women, women, we are all disrupted, we want to never pay taxes again, it is a liquid chocolate, he also wanted the chocolate thing, even red she started but it's okay she is slow because in my reflection of the real woman and when I arrive at my destination the man from the ubr tells me hey miss this one we can take the photo because if it is you michelle rodríguez not the real one thank you very much very much Thank you very much, Sierra Dríguez, if you want to get applause and a lot of shouts for a woman that I love very much and admire very much, she is Marcela.

Language, I'm screwed. Yes, I'm also an actress like Michel, only that no one knows me, but I'm the one. Yes, you know me, the casting chiefs of the Bronco series spoke to me the other day, they told me, hey, look, we would like you to come to the series because we have the role of Laura León, you don't have to come to the casting, we already saw your photos what's next laura bozzo alfredo adame what's next I'm one tan away from this one alfredo adame no better it's very difficult it's very difficult to be a woman they told me that I was going to be a princess they told me that I was going to be a princess and I'm not you, they also told you the truth, my friend, very passive, you can see that they are offended like that and their rights I hate them, I hate gays too because I'm there because they are very fabulous, you also fight for gays so that they don't kill us, pse fabulous wow, but then a woman I am a feminist, there are feminists in the public, the waves, I stayed single and so I do, well, now I fight for my rights, nothing, the burning is very bastard, but then we not only fight against heterosexual men, then we also fight against gay men because they fight for their rights. but they're fabulous, they've seen their marches, yes, but they've seen their marches, they're fabulous, they're decorated like that, their panties are kissing, colors, Maribel Guardia, and she farted, confetti.

She's horrible, I'm very fabulous, my guys, I'm strong, I love gays because they always compete with us, but they kill us too, that's what it is, but we tolerate anal sex. I would do it, if you don't laugh like hell, how do you know, they finish me off? to cut Bolívar this and this joke I have already told me but they have cut me three times of the same type during three years I think that if he loves me it is not and he told me this time he told me that I cut you to find myself in others and I a moment and the thing is that men are assholes because they have not seen murderous women, we take great revenge and if they kill us seven women a day in Mexico, but when we want to take revenge or not, lady, we do not know well crisis, if you want to cut off the man's hand, so you say, there is because I don't like it because I'm bronco I'm not here why do you want to cut off when bell the instagram isn't like he has Parkinson's like the one that's all on recording or two is a very cool bastard but apart from the fact that you come across differently when you're in your twenties you come across differently to us You're with your friend and having a drink and everything and it's like having a drink with an aunt, I'm thank you and that's it, you're there with your friend and so on, come on, come on, this bastard, have tea with everyone, finally, we're still close, it's not going to happen. drink this bacardi with normal coke the other day I went to the club I went into the bathroom and a girl misses weiwei please you who look super big give me some advice is that the waiter just sucked me they for a moment said to me let's see I'm not here Big, cover up, you're going to get wind and where is that waiter with so much substance and they say, I didn't understand you at all because we speak another language because right now the women, I'm hanging out with my friends, I just ended a relationship and they're drinking too and I'm cool, what's happening is that my therapy speaks differently, you know that my therapist says what is the symptom of codependency, a toxic relationship that has no limits and the bosses are supermarkets, I mean, you love your dad, how delicious is gin and tonic, I'm not going to be able to eat in three days to get rid of that shit, we were going to die alone with this strange emotional knowledge of the time when it made you really crazy to forget someone, they made you really sad, you fell on the table on the stairs, you shut up, anyone knows that joke, only Everyone understood it, I'm not a feminist, in opposition, CE is very bastard and William and they told me that I was going to be a princess, my being promised me well, I'm going to Ariel like that, thinking 13 kilos and since father, right now I'm smiling, I get a star on the butt, how is that humanly possible, no one told me that I was going to know sat, for example, no one told me those things, for example, men, it's not that we hate them, it's that they do some things that I ask for because while we We grow up believing that we are going to be princesses, men are growing up at the same time watching porn, so yes, I already got wet just thinking about it, because then porn does a lot of harm to them.

It's a person who grows up without self-esteem and then men do things like, for example, this I was already thinking if my mom saw me right now, what's the matter? They say, but it hurts but you like it. It's not like when you're very sad and listening to the same song but you like being there suffering like when you smoke motta and you like it, but it's all true. Hello. dad I'm going to act so that she stops this and there she is like this and you know what the guy tells you that turns me on that was vomiting but that turns me on jose la chino and you and I just wanted to do beautiful what happens with culeros then they turn on things like dress as a schoolgirl and I arrived in pance to look neutral uniform then how about you can't say in front of the web there is menstruation shut up don't tell me they menstruate I'm mixing right now for example this is true your site is how can I which side there are clots water and So but how about you being there with him andelhuella is very hot not because if you tell him today you buy me some tampax here not that super flows and 34 years old and I'm going ahead but when it's very hot to start they think that it's the week of the already done but if not that you He says, look, nothing happens, we put a towel down, nothing happens, we go to take a bath, well, they'll leave in three days because he's a freelance designer, it turns out that he wants to, he's going to bathe you, he made me, I like it, look, handkerchief, knife, kiss from the clown, that turns me on.

It turns me on then what's up when things turn on them, that is, someone wants to see him in the eyes, I want adventures that 'the bomb' and maybe like that behind my window crying the rain because it's not even raining, it helps me very bastard or do you want to see him in the eyes? and he doesn't and he says turn your back and I but I face a little bit and he didn't look at my back he's the size of consuming suddenly better than me he's also very bastard we have to tell them that there is a very special person here who has your name like César César wrote to me on Instagram and told me and he gives me two tickets I don't know what he chooses of course because he told me I'm very sad I saw myself laughing because they caught me the next day some criminals we are criminals an aunt I told them there were three criminals and they They said, hey, do you prefer to die or for the three of us to take you ice here?

Thank you very much for being here. A round of applause. How are you doing? Hey, what a fun thing, what a joy it was, that Comedy Central brought us all together here today. What a joy, but the truth is that there is one thing that unites us. more people there is one thing that unites us more than eating and

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ly there is one thing that unites us more than anything as human beings no matter the religion sexual orientation color nationality because party does not matter there is one thing that unites us all beings humans as human beings and it is not love unfortunately people it is not love what they are not really to human beings as human beings is hate people we have to accept it no way now we do it let's do it let's do our thing let it be said that that is hate that all of us here all feel in the center of our chest for the mosquitoes we didn't know it we didn't know if no matter how animalistic you are it doesn't matter how many dogs cats panistas adopt in your life it doesn't matter you hate them good news to anyone who says before you have to take it out, not to anyone because we didn't know and one crosses your path, one is going to try to kill it even if it means hurting yourself, that's more, it's more, you can hit the person sleeping next to you like that, but look for a mosquito thank you thank you because we hate them 9 hated but they feel bad to surround them it is mutual the hate is mutual that is, they too I am not a bastard web very bastard no one who does not hate you does to you what those bastards do to you no one you know these four in the morning sound asleep dreaming chingon s dreaming about the love of your life who is not the one you married javi chingón chingón and things about with that person about to points and already tearing off his clothes web looking at the things on the desk because they make your dreams beings godines no then rebellious because it is the boss singer and when he is about to meet that person I do not start with peace serene calm as if the mosquito to say no we wake up we go we go the next thing I do which is also quite is I grab my cell phone from the wall, I turn on the flashlight and I start, I do it back from a bridge or else you don't end up going to where you are in Camagüey, not from your bed to that beautiful and warm place that is your bed, already accused, no, and we catch heartburn and you start. as if it had seemed like a ghost to you because you see that they say that it looks like a ghost what you have to do to make it disappear is to say all the series that you always know so son of your mother no the bee is going to carry you I fall again, bastard, son of your light, of your thousand mothers, girlfriends, the Inca nationals stood out with foreigners and shells, your mother, mother, egg, gonorrhea, the crazy one.

I was fed up with people, fed up, fed up with doing that every night until the mother, so at the first traffic light They sold it to me, I bought it, you know, this electric racket is not talking, it's a racket exactly like a tennis racket, exactly, but what criticizes it, mosquitoes, don't love the invention, dude, it's the best 150 pesos I've ever invested in my life, and I've bought studs. that is, 150 the pure pure the deliciousness again imagine since I have this racket I already provoked the mosquitoes there won't be any more I leave the windows open the doors open I put buckets of water in my bedroom na and the night comes and now I do close the windows I close doors and all the hair is already a professional to me people I am already pro pro pro sea the reverse was already handled the volley that one that is already bid today yes no I have already turned black the truth is no more thinking the chakras of the dark will not be measured but the The truth is that this racket has brought out a part of me that I didn't know that this part, as sadistic as it was cool, was not because look at the handle of the racket it has a button where the button is for cousins ​​and the racket is criticized, you release the button and It is already harmless because as normally it functions like at least so that it hurts dust fuck your mother today Mexico City and the truth is that Mexico City well everything good and everything bad truth and the everything bad buses crime has become bastard crime lately and I panicked so I bought a third set a theissen is like the electric racket but for assholes here I bring it because well I don't go out without it and even less for the countess the truth is this is not this I don't bring this Because they're not going to screw me, right, this is smaller than the cell phone, cool, lighter than the cell phone, and it consists of two steps, ok, the first step is a flashlight, it's a flashlight that I say is to check the bill, the bill arrives, you take it out. your flashlight and the first one who says a bus who took the new holy road and people urge me to use it better than we save you bastard very bastard the one who bought it about eight months ago website and not the new one don't suck imagine that you buy something with the deep illusion of hurting another human being and eight months go by and I want to electrify whoever it is, I'm going to whoever it is, it's summer to get to Mrs.

Rosita who is the one with the regular food where I always eat Mrs. I don't know how they are, how good Listen, notice that I want to tell you two things. I've been coming with you for eight years. First, that your spaghetti is bad and second, that your elbow soup is salty. I'll go, whoever it is, whoever it is, I don't care. I'm very eagerly waiting for the first one to come. tell me today feminazi now she put the package on the soap she craves it so much family know that for every 28 million bolts this mother has 28 million bolts and each of these bags would be worth it if I could use it on the person I say but for that they legalize it better that I open it in the legs it's worth fruit until I address that idea stupid crockery in the middle of a fight with my girlfriend in the middle of an argument but discussions are so cool to these discussions that he says he's not looking at me they're fighting you know that the morbidity pulls you In full and exclusive terms, my girlfriend told me, Chiquis, calm down, I don't know what you mean and I'm calm.

Apart from that, it cost me 250 pesos for the website, 28 million bags, what a mess with the exchange rate, not girls, women in the public, this is female empowerment, imagine, imagine. for the first time in his life for the first time in his life to be able to get out of his car and tell the minibus driver that he cut you off, get off and I'll get in and against the marimba I'm not a princess tutor I don't use public transportation he's not using it but he's willing Let's do it, girls, I'm willing to do it for all the women who take public transportation every day for whatever they want, the minibus, the metrobus combi, what's more, the state of Mexico goes suburban, its mauve goes, Tultitlán, Mexico, egg raffle, zinc is More come on let's go and to the first arrimón conato de arrimón sketch of arrimón so that you can do it for the shits of his mother the truth is that I sell them ah because of the

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it's not leaving kids but hey hahaha listen thank you very much for coming so much it's a Enjoyed, thank you very much and now I am going to present the next comedian to close this incredible night by order with a big applause for Alexis from Andar Noches Comedy Central and you like it nice I look good like a Cocacola dressed as a disco ball These little outfits are very cute Their name is John Perse, it's very comfortable as a woman because the cork is very cute, but well, it's all cooked way, when you go to the bathroom you take off everything, you're already naked, all violated inside a bathroom covering the door, hey, friends, what do you think, I fell in love, thank you, friends, ah Of course I fell in love with someone who also fell in love with me because it doesn't always happen, you see how they say not everything that glitters is gold because not everything that I fuck wants to be my boyfriend who would have thought about it once and I stopping his flower on his New Year's Eve No, I mean, I don't want to be the girlfriend of everything I fuck, I have many things to do, put an end to sexual harassment, mainly yes, yes, street harassment, not street harassment, which is my daily bread as a woman unless It rains and the bricklayers are gone, their construction will be hidden everywhere we get the lightest thing you can get, it's out there like a whistle, not a headline of thanks, the little whistle that is Asia and like a stalker bird and how you feel like Snow White Like how many dwarfs catch me today, I have been harassed in the street for many years and the other day they told me something that I had never heard before.

I was walking there thinking about my things when suddenly a guy stops and says the following to me, don't kid him What the hell, I was really offended, I mean, I remember the harassment, Jiribilla had wit, who was the avocado to get smeared on those cakes and even Chistine Drive, blessed is the ring nut on the tire of the truck that brought the cement. to make the sidewalk on which you are standing a monument that is harassment that is harassment who wrote that Pablo Neruda and all I have to do is I am very busy defending the legalization of abortion we have people who support the legalization of abortion in dead babies over dead women Of course, yes, the good ones, what they are, is not what they are, it is what they are and talk to us, I know, I really understand the beliefs, the faith, whatever, but I am worried about the people who believe that legalizing abortion means that we are all going Let's say that it's free, fuck it, I don't care about this child inside, we're going to roll down the stairs one after another, doctors with hooks are going to come behind us, give me effect, give it to me now, Captain Hook in a doctor's coat, give me your almost merit, give it to me, it's mine, your almost merit is about deciding about your body and your life and well, from the privilege it is difficult to see it, you know from the privilege one sees they caught them without a condom and now they are going to have to get married and have a child even if they have 18 years old and they're fine because Puebla lives Puebla but well, returning to happier topics, I fell in love.

Yes, it was difficult for me to fall in love. I mean, I've been single for five years and now after I'm thirty, her demands drop to levels that I already like three. photos of you it's already the love of your life web a guy opens the car door for me and I get out so so so so and it's the place where he has a car and a permanent job because for me just like they see me here on the stage of perry is empowered my chicharrones thunder as soon as I meet a guy that I like and María Mercedes to serve you on the immediate list immediate bastard and I see what the guy that she likes is like and she tried to disguise that as a codependent chameleon it totally works 0 times I fell in love with a contemporary artist divorced with children, I was already a contemporary artist, my menopause came early I listened to Chavela Vargas not with a tequila in my hand criticizing art according to me in this piece he talks about capitalism oppressing society Alexis is an oxxo I fell in love with a Guatemalan hip hop and today in hip hop I was a Guatemalan with a gold tooth smoking motta all day and maybe I did that before but now with a gold tooth joining the migrant caravan then I found out that they were Hondurans and I wasn't no no i didn't fall in love with a shaman what martha higareda movie is that no manches i fell in love with a shaman 2 and not even shaman chingón bronze skin hair of carlos vallarta nothing a güero shaman who could have sold nutrioli oil without farts but me in shaman, hey, huipil, this is true.

I went to plant corn in the forest of Chapultepec. I was tonal, without having time for the calyx. I'm going to become a lesbian, maybe this has been the problem all this time, maybe I insist on writing with my right hand when in reality I'm left-handed, and if I end everything in your life with my hand, listen to what, what a joke, the female orgasm is already stiff. the hand looked like a Nike popcorn and like that today don't suck I had never been a lesbian I didn't know I didn't know I just said let's see first order of business I cut my nails I'm not going to tear her cervix or a poor woman there my room clandestine abortion clinic is going to appear I went to the supermarket - the words I let them go a little bit and I said just wait to get the taste of the flavor the texture yes yes there is even use up cottage cheese I said go ahead it's not going to do not once and for all I You know, in the seafood restaurants, bring me all the options you have, all the most monstrous, I want to see the ones that don't intimidate my vagina, I went to a hardware store, I bought some batteries and I started sucking batteries, sucking batteries because I believe in The vagina tastes like a battery, who would have thought of it and not a watch battery, don't double the square battery that gives knocks, the one that gives shocks and on the tongue the vagina tastes like a battery, well, you have to look at the positive side, none of that worked and Suddenly I fell in love with the perfect man, a divine being who taught me to forget and forgive.

He only had one small detail. He was younger than me, a good year less, about 7.seven years I already suck youth like madonna and you are young forever good bed luma seven years wow that's all the seasons of game of thrones it's a lot and I don't think that age has anything to do with maturity I know very young people who are Very mature and I know people who are 50 years old who play Moloto, dance well, baby, shut up, titoyaya, for God's sake, feel those peaks, put on some shoes, you bastard. I don't think it has anything to do with maturity, but there were moments when we were in bed and I I didn't know if we were going down or if I was breastfeeding him how delicious my love baby baby baby to the room m there he is tempting this baby and I realized the generational gap one night when we are about to make love and he asked me for a I give it to him with a condom and he puts it through his nose and takes it out through his mouth.

What he does is a challenge like the jeltzale way. It's a challenge. If there was one on video, it goes viral. This mother is going to be if you don't. you put that where it goes to bastard thank you it didn't work my relationship it didn't work bieber anza in too many differences but in the end I think we didn't want the same thing I would like to have a partner with whom to make a life a house children a future and his mother wouldn't Leave it, but I'm already worried now, I'm already worried because I like them younger and younger and you see me at 50 years old outside a high school in a Winstar truck listening to Chavela Vargas what's up kids want to play it's Mario Brothers I just have one control and It only has one button and once I tell you it's higher than you think but if you beat me I'll let you suck a battery thank you very much this was we are not princesses and I ask you to please follow that applause to kick it marcela lecuona and villas rodríguez