Calculate your pet's HP with my 100% legitimate formula | Unraveled

Is life quantifiable? Every breath, every beat of a heart. Do they count as beads tirelessly etched into the stone of our existence until one day that stone turns to dust? Is there a number? An algorithm underlying the spark of life and if you are given the chance to find out. The arcane secrets of that algorithm Would you use that power forever or would you use it to

calculate

your

pet's HP? Because that's what I would do. Life Points, what are they and how do they become the standard unit of life in almost all games? They began with war games, board games involving many small miniature military forces fighting on a battlefield in the 1920s, the naval war school created an early form of this to help evaluate battles before fighting them .

They had a stat called life which was determined by how many 14 inch shells a ship could take, so that's what a life point is how many 14 inch shells it would take to kill you, each living creature is one life point in the end , but that is not our current understanding. of hp which came about when war games got smaller and the scope and started to become more fantasy oriented in older games you rolled dice and then

your

troops survived or died you had large swaths of unnamed troops so you could do this without feel no remorse for their deaths either, but when these games stopped playing with hundreds of troops and instead focused on a few main characters, players realized that they didn't want their characters to die, so the point was born. of life, your character could survive x amount of bad roles before throwing them away, so really the life point wasn't made to quantify how easy it is to kill something, it was born out of compassion and the desire to see your characters grow and prosper and then also to find out how easy it was to kill them.

I've had something like HP for almost a century, but we haven't updated our real-world understanding of what a hit point looks like, so I'll do it specifically so you can quantify your pet's HP. A little disclaimer from the start. I'm not. Giving you this algorithm so you can fight animal abuse of your pets is wrong and if you needed me to tell you that, I'm glad I told you that I'm also not going to teach you how to

calculate

human hp because that power is too great to wield and could easily be used for evil by some of the most evil forces on earth, such as health insurance companies.

No, I'm teaching you how to calculate your pet's HP as a fun bonding exercise between you and your animal or in case you find yourself at a house party where you don't know anyone, but the hosts have a dog, so that, instead of just sitting in the corner pretending to text people, you can spend your time calculating that dog's HP, which is a much more normal thing to do in a social setting. situation now it is time to investigate how we are going to effectively calculate the hp of any pet. Fortunately, there are plenty of games that cover pretty much every type of pet you can have, but I'll use Pokémon as the primary pet hp analogue. because it's literally about having tons of pets that you can love and appreciate and I'm ignoring all the other things and that brings us to our first type of criteria according to the national survey of pet owners, here are the most common types of pets found in homes Americans, I appreciate that they included a category called small animals as if that means screw anything, so we are changing some things, the standards are still there: dogs, cats, fish and all aquatic creatures, reptiles, birds, equines, small animals They are turning into small mammals. things like ferrets and rabbits we also include insects because I love insects and if you have insects in your house and you make a conscious decision to want those insects in your house, they are not pests, they are amphibian pets for the frog people. farm animals covers any livestock that doesn't immediately fit into the other categories I originally thought of classifying these quadruped animals as different types of dog stocky dog ​​milky dog ​​horny dog ​​but farm animal covers them a little better, although I still stick with those names We also have a category I call exotic that encompasses all the animals you see in Instagram influencer selections that make you say I don't know if you should have that thing.

This can range from monkeys to bats to hyenas, which, according to this article, is incredibly reliable. website you could technically have in New York due to a loophole. Additionally, millennials and Gen Z often live in small apartments without pets and are not paid enough to maintain a decent standard of living, let alone a pet, so they often turn to plants to help them feel the joy. which comes from nurturing a living thing in our rapidly decaying ecosystem, so I'm extending pet status to plants so you too can do this hp calculation because gosh, we all need a distraction sometimes building a set of types of pets, we can assign hp ranges to each of them by finding the lowest base hp and highest maximum hp of each type.

The absolute extremes of this scale are shedinja with a base hp of one and the whale lord with a max hp. of 544 now it would be pretty crazy to have both as pets considering one is the shell left after a mulc cicada and the other is a fucking whale, but that's why they're extremes and that's why we're not done with our equation. However, we may know the full hp range of a dog, but what is your dog's hp range? I thought for a moment about size being the next criterion because you might think that the bigger the animal, the more hp it would have, that's actually not the case.

It's true, in fact, the Pokémon with the highest base HP is Blissey, this strange little egg woman, and Onyx, a huge rock snake, has one of the lowest base HP of all Pokémon. This confused me so I had to go back to the original HP Dungeons and Dragons popularizer and that's where I realized what really affects your hp value. Your worth is not defined by the size or shape of your body, it's about what you do with the body you're given, it's about class, just like the standard game class does. Your pet belongs to each class and has different HP ranges depending on what it is expected to do.

Barbarians are on the front line, so they tend to have much more HP than a rogue hiding behind. I've decided that the classes that make the most sense for pets are the Barbarian Ranger, Paladin Cleric, and Rogue. I haven't included any classes like sorcerer because if you have a magical pet, what are you doing here? Cast spells with your turtle. These class distinctions separate your pet's hp range. in 10 equal portions if your pet is a rogue you get the first six if your pet is a barbarian you get between five and ten your pet's personality will determine which class your pet falls into is a rogue if he is a mischievous rake and Lively cats tend to Coming to mind for the rogue category simply because they're always up to shit that shouldn't be up to your pet is a cleric if he's kind, reserved, and healing a rabbit that jumps into your lap after a hard day. he works and makes you forget all your worries he is 100 cleric your pet is a paladin if he is loyal resourceful and honestly tries a little too hard your zucchini plant produces too many zucchini aka any number of zucchini he is a paladin your pet is a ranger yes are self-sufficient, aloof and doing their own thing, ask yourself: am I holding my pet rat back from his true ambitions?

The answer is always yes and your rat is a ranger and finally your pet is a barbarian if they are rude, cheeky and brave to the extreme. Does your dog dig under the fence so he can jump into your neighbor's pool? Your dog is a Marmaduke He is also a barbarian Your pet can have a combination of many of these traits, but it is up to you to decide which ones are the most dominant Now that we have the type and class of your pets designated, we need to get into the nitty-gritty. of their exact HP, which means finding the level of your pets, in order to do this you must observe your pet scientifically, so I contacted a field biologist hello, I'm Olivia, I'm a wildlife biologist, I contacted olivia after she responded to my totally normal Twitter request with this cool photo.

I thought that if anyone knew how to calculate an animal's hit points, it would be someone to hold it. a huge bird like a torch, have you ever found the life points of any of the animals you've been researching? I've never been involved in any type of study where that was something we looked at, so it's not right, but there are probably a lot of life point studies out there with Anna probably, even though she had no experience with my specific question, I knew she would have Some useful tips for observing animals in their natural habitat When you are observing an animal, how much interaction should you have with it? it's none, none, at all, you have to sit like a blind or a tent of some kind where you are hidden or look like part of the environment.

You could wear a ghillie suit. People have done it too. How long is the period? You watch that animal because it depends on how much time and resources you have, obviously there have been scientists who have been watching the same hawk for about 20 years straight, so if I'm trying to know my pet's hp perfectly, I should watch it. for several years, yeah, cool, how do you take notes when you're observing an animal? So I can actually send you something. Yes please, this is exactly what I was looking for. Olivia had sent me an animal behavior data sheet that I could use as a template for observing and recording a pet's behavior, but some of these behaviors wouldn't make sense when observing her pet on a random day, we ended up developing a new sheet which had standard behaviors and class-specific behaviors that had different weights associated with them.

Observe your pet for x number of hours, count all the behaviors it did over the course of those hours, and then divide the weighted total by x to get your pet's level. The logic behind this is that a higher level pet is more likely to do it. more intense, class-specific behaviors, then you plug that level into this algorithm and get your pet's hp. It may seem challenging, but science shouldn't be easy, it should be right. This is probably the most difficult scientific work you have ever had to do. It really is yes, with these tips in mind I welcome you to my house to try these calculations.

I need a test subject so I'm using my roommate's cat, Zuko, he lives in my apartment but doesn't pay rent and eats. my bagels, if left unattended as I mentioned above, finding your pet's HP can be a fun bonding exercise and in this case I've been dealing with this little bastard's antics for so long that I need to remind myself why he's here quantifying its value. The first step is easy, he is a cat, which puts him in the cat category. Okay, step two, we have to give Zuko a class, like I mentioned earlier. Cats tend to be mischievous, but I don't think that suits Zuko well, considering he's the least stealthy creature.

I know his meow sounds like he's been smoking two packs a day for the last 40 years and every time he manages to sneak into his food cabinet he lets me know right away. I just wanted to check what's going on here in the cat cabinet where we keep all the cat food. He is very stubborn and he is not afraid to make terrible decisions in front of me and that makes this guy a barbarian. Okay, but now it's time to watch Zuko to find his level as per Olivia's instructions. I have to watch him for several years without any interaction after explaining why he needed it.

My request for time off was denied, so instead I ate illness-inducing bodega sushi and took a sick day. This is the hard part because it will require me to watch Zuko as he goes about his daily activities without him even realizing I'm here, I assumed my position and waited for the interesting behaviors to start, not only was it terribly boring, but it was starting to get boring. afraid that zuko wasn't that strong. as I was hoping they would do something please, but then I realized there was an exploit in my system, although Olivia, a scientist, said you should keep your interference to a minimum.

I'm not a scientist, I'm a gamer and I started what is known as power leveling. I had to get Zuko as many experience points as I could before my roommate came home and asked me what I was doing during the day. Zuko averaged 63 pointsbehavior experience per hour, although those behaviors were somehow coerced by me, I know. that i broke my system by interacting with zuko, but if it makes my pet happier and less weak, why wouldn't i game the system? I had also noticed that Zuko and I had grown closer, our level of support had increased.

At least b I no longer saw him as a freeloader who sometimes vomited in my bed, I saw him as a partner who sometimes vomited in my bed when I felt alone in my empty apartment, he was there for me when my stomach hurt from the cellar. sushi purred with just enough frequency to ease my pain when I worried he was low, he calmed my anxieties with his heavenly voice and all this time I'd spent trying to calculate his hp I hadn't realized he was replenishing mine so I here is zuko barbarian class level 63 i love him with all my heart and he loves me anyway yeah okay okay beautiful remember when i said i really wanted to play the cyberpunk rpg we finally did it come see me play as a totally unpleasant forum moderator named van gogh bango guys don't say other things we should only have one person in the bathroom you're making it look like there's more than one person there's only one person in the bathroom mud bango