I wasted 3 weeks of my life finding Castlevania's hottest monster | Unraveled

CASTLEVANIA! One of my favorite game series of all time. The countless enemies you face in Dracula's abode are made even better knowing that they come from real mythology and folklore. Wouldn't it be great if there was a place where you could find the COMPLETE BESTIARY of EVERY MONSTER in Castlevania? I think it would be good. OR AT LEAST I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE NICE. I swear to God, when I first started filming this video, I thought it would be an easy change of pace. I mean, how many unique enemies could there really be in Castlevania? 100? 200? How about more than 600?

So I booked 3 hours in this studio to film. And then we ran out of time halfway there. So I went out to lunch, but it started raining, so I ate a soggy chicken sandwich. That has nothing to do with the video, I just wanted you to know my pain. So I had to start filming again, this time after hours in a random meeting room in our office building. And when I finished that, I had three and a half hours of footage that I was able to boil down into an hour-long video that was very educational and extremely entertaining.

IT'S A JOKE. IT WAS BORING AS HELL. But just when all hope seemed lost, I had an epiphany. “I'm going to jump into the sea.” Luckily, before I could do that, my coworkers stopped me and convinced me that trying to rank all 600 Castlevania

monster

s was a bad idea and I could pick the coolest one instead. Ask yourself, why are vampires always the sexy

monster

? Isn't it someone else's turn? I'm here to answer that question now that I'm filming this video for the third time. Be thankful I'm not going to post an hour-long video where I basically just lecture you about mythology.

I mean, who knows, maybe I'll post that video another time. IT WAS A JOKE. I WILL NOT DO IT. YOU'LL HAVE TO TRUST ME. IT WAS A VERY BAD VIDEO. SO WE FOUND CASTLEVANIA'S MOST ELIGIBLE BACHELOR! *hot music* *lonely squeaks* Let's narrow down that list of 600+ enemies. We'll start by merging all the ones that have common mythologies into a single enemy, so that that way we don't have to deal with all 96 different skeletons. We're also going to go ahead and take out the evil humans, and that includes the Belmonts that you fight as enemies, and all the vampires as well.

We all know that Dracula is in fashion. We all know that Richter Belmont is in fashion. I'm also going to go ahead and clear out all the enemies from Boku Dracula Kun, which was just a spin-off series, and the enemies from Getsu Fuma Den, which only appeared in one stage in Castlevania Harmony of Despair. And now it's time to eliminate the animals, mythical or not. Look, if they're anthropomorphized, sure, but for things like "Owl," that's not a monster, it's a bird. What about ephemeral objects like will-o'-the-wisps or animated inanimate objects like golems or puppets? I went back and forth on whether to include them or not, and then I realized they scared me, so I removed them.

Now I'm going to eliminate all the gods and the servants of the gods and the incarnations of things like chaos and evil, because they are inherently unique. I'm going to curate this list a little more because, let's be honest, vampires aren't the only monsters who've gotten a taste of *kiss* that sexy spotlight. Witches and warlocks, zombies, orcs, treant, werewolves, mermen, gargoyles, gremlins, ghosts, Medusa, cyclops, yeti, fox archer, ogres, stained glass knight, from Young Sherlock Holmes, where it appeared as the first photorealistic CGI in any movie back in 1985. And finally, mummies, Brendan Fraser. He wasn't the movie mummy, but he's sexy enough just by association.

But we've narrowed it down to the perfect number to discover our sexy monster. That's how it is. We have 69 left. Can I get a WOOP? Patrick: Wow! Clayton: Court. We'll work on it, Clayton. Criteria for what makes a monster sexy: Number one, is it replicable? I've already explained it, it can't be a single monster. Anything unique can be sexy. Look at Benedict Cumberbatch. Number two, is it datable? Can you have a conversation with this monster? Can you take it to Applebee's? And number three, can this monster... GET IT? We'll start with the viable ones that probably aren't the best sex icons, like Mimic, which is a kind of veiny mass.

The two-headed creature. Part cyclops, part werewolf, all bad. Wight, W.I.G.H.T. It comes from the old English term meaning human being. It's like... just a blue zombie. Necromancers... I don't know, they like weird things. Spriggans come from Cornish fairy lore and are described as old, wrinkled men with enormous boyish heads - something someone likes, I'm sure. Nominon is a beast that sucks dreams out of your brain. And that's not a very supportive partner. Punaguchi is just a big mouth sticking out. I don't want to know what that mouth does. The peanut-eating plant, the Wakwak tree, and the human face tree are all plants.

So if you wanted the monster to be sexy, it would just be... it's just a plant. The carpet creature. You never really see what it is, it's always under the rug. Which means he's probably like a cat. Hearteater. If you like bad boys. Castlevania has one of the best designs of any pixel art game except Towers Guardian. I don't know what the hell this is. A ghoul isn't necessarily a zombie, it's something that eats corpses, which is just gross. This one is for the sapiosexuals... the Brain Float. Alastor: You should be careful with anyone who builds his personality around swords.

Elementals are just incarnations of fire and frost. It's just hard to hug him. The legend of Zelda. She's just a person with scythes. They are also known as the “Night Stalker,” which is a big warning sign. The Kyoma Demon gets into mirrors and jumps and scares you, huh, and I don't need any more reasons to be afraid of looking in the mirror. *thoughtful music* Man Beast comes in two forms: twink and twunk. They say eye contact is important. But maybe not so much. I think we need a sexy skeleton, and the epitome of a skeleton in this game is Yorick.

Yorick comes from Hamlet’s famous “Alas, poor Yorick” soliloquy. In the Japanese version his name is not Yorick, he is called Soccer Boy. The imp is a mischievous elf. And I was a little worried about the size differences, but then I remembered Bee Movie, where a human woman falls in love with a bee. Jerry Seinfeld taught me that through love anything is possible. Trolls. It's time for someone to give them the love they deserve. The next monster is Evil Force. And I want you to go ahead and erase all preconceived notions. Obviously the name sounds bad.

Oh. It's also terrible. (Pat laughs off camera). Edimmu are Mesopotamian demons that come back from the dead when they weren't buried properly, which seems very high maintenance. El Matadero apparently skips leg day. The Arthroverta. Just a human face stuck on top of an arthropod. Maybe not? Chon Chon, or the bitter fly, comes from Chile. It's about Mapuche magicians who become this thing. Kind of like vampires turning into bats. He is a great talent. *revealing my true Chon Chon form* The Assassin Mantle. It comes from an urban legend in Japan about Aka Manto, who is a spirit that lives in bathrooms and then asks you if you want red or blue toilet paper.

Red, they'll stab you a lot in the back, and blue, they'll strangle you until you turn blue. I just don't like bathroom stuff. I mean most of these monsters are pretty good. Um, they're not the… they're not the most. SURPRISE! I lulled you into a false sense of security! It's time for a minigame I like to call: "If this were a Castlevania game... what title would it be?" Take your birth month and that's the first part of the title. OF. And your date of birth is the second part. My title would be Castlevania: Sonata of the Eclipse.

All of these games sound the same. We are at half of the viable enemies. We have 35 monsters that I think are pretty good options. We'll start with the monsters that are supposed to be sexy, so it feels a little unfair to use them as sexy monsters. Lorelai, Lilith and all the succubi, Harpys, Headhunter, Arachnes, Dryads, Rusalka and Naiads. I'm just putting these everywhere. The demons. The ones that have horns and wings and are really muscular and muscular. Moth Man. Everyone thinks Mothman is pretty sexy. Although this depiction of the Jersey Devil looks like a horse with wings, the real Jersey Devil comes from the idea of ​​a woman who cursed her thirteenth child and said, "Ugh, God, I have to have another baby." And then she came out and grew like the face and wings of a goat, and I think we should start thinking of New Jersey in general as sexier.

And this could be the way to do it. The Minotaur. You have to go through that maze, but once you go in there and find the real Minotaur, it could kill you. But he could also open up and be really charming. The Chupacabra is a mischievous little one. It was first seen in Puerto Rico and is known in much of Latin America. Its name translates to goat piglet. Do I have to explain why? Fomorians are personifications of chaos and other evil ideas in Irish folklore. Um, and it's these guys goats, uh, and they're broken as hell.

Lizard Man. If you don't know why I put this here. *COME ON* You have to watch my Skyrim video. Banshee comes from Irish folklore and predicts the death of someone you know. It's a little creepy. He is also super emotionally available. You won't have to worry about what Banshee is thinking. They will tell you when they are upset. And also when your parents are going to die. Slogra. It does not have any folklore or mythology associated with it. I have nothing for you. If this doesn't appeal to you, you're wrong. Because Rycuda only exists in Castlevania, it means there are... very specific artwork you can find of him.

Very modern artwork has been done on Rycuda, proving that it can be sexy. Dullahan is an Irish fairy who is like a headless horseman type character, he's also another harbinger of death, but can you think of all the cool Spider-Man kisses you can do with that? The Jiang Shi is the Qing Dynasty version of a vampire. Keremet comes out when you hit his pot a couple of times. He's a good face, right? I could talk to that thing for hours. There are so many armors in Castlevania. No one can refuse a man in uniform. Or a poltergeist in uniform.

Or literally just an enchanted uniform. UGHHHHHHH MOTHER PEARL I forgot about the elves. Everyone forgets about elves, so I'll put them here! I also forgot about Siren, which is another thing that is sexy and attracts people. How come I skipped so many of these? The Guillotiner doesn't look like much, it could be a problem, but it's time we got it back. Silt. There are already things online. The Tsuchinoko is a Japanese cryptid that is a snake that is thicker in the middle than in the head or tail. Pat (off-camera): I just don't see why it's sexy.

No... Patrick, you have to understand. It's not about what you could see first, right? Pat: I mean, but even after that, what do you see after that? He has a propensity to lie and drink alcohol. Patrick thinks he shouldn't be so high on the list, but fuck Patrick. We are in the top five. But before we get there, I have a confession to make. I've kept six monsters that don't even fit my criteria, but I love them so much that I think they deserve a chance. The first is a unique character, he is Nergal Meslamstea. The reason I think he deserves a chance is because someone called him Nergal Meslamstea.

Of course it'll be fucking evil if you name your kid... Why, what's with people in Castlevania naming their kids after nonsense? Seriously, Alucard? Dracula, you can't just name your child with your name backwards. I'm not going to name my son Nairb. Scary candle. It's an inanimate object that comes to

life

, but I love candles. I think the next two are pretty self explanatory: Bone Pillar. And if that doesn't make you happy, how about the Bone Dragon? Next up is a ghost, and I've already explained why it shouldn't be included in this, but I had to because the ghost's name is Duke Mirage.

And if someone comes up to me and introduces themselves as Duke Mirage, I'll take my pants off. Finally, I know that I rejected all animals. But I really think we should include Hyena with a gun. That hyena can GET IT. We are in the top five. The Malebranches come from Dante's Divine Comedy. They are all unique demons used to help keep corrupt politicians under boiling tar pits in hell. They all have big names like Cagnazzo and Scarmiglione, which was translated into the English version as Skull Millione, which is just a Soundcloud rapper. They are already naughty and hate corrupt politicians.

We can back that up. The Myconid are an intelligent race of fungi. We have anthropomorphized the animalia, why not anthropomorphized fungi? When I was a kid, my mom thought she had a nutritional deficit because she kept wanting to eat mushrooms, like she only ate mushrooms for a whole week. That has nothing to do with this. I know I eliminated all the werewolf creatures, huh,but this is not that one. This is the Princess of Moss. The human version is based on PFBRRRRRRRR UHM OUT WITH THE-ERRR Let them eat cake? (Pat: Marie Antoinette) Marie Antoinette. I think we should have more moth creatures in our movies.

Good? They are already drawn to the center of attention. It's a Ukoback. Why is this the second sexiest monster in Castlevania? I'll tell you why. He carries with him some hot coals in a spoon and is also responsible not only for the frying, but also for the fireworks. OH YEAH. What a cool guy! I think Ukobacks could be very sexy, right? What's sexier than feeding someone a delicious fried dish? And finally, what I think should be the new sexy monster. The Mandrake. Or the Alura Une. Basically, any type of plant person. Alura Une actually comes from a 1911 book called "Alraune".

It's a German story. I just think this gives you a blank slate on something, sure, this thing is born from the ground where hanged men bleed, which is creepy and scary, but it's not its fault! Good? You know, they didn't choose to be born. Who chooses to be born? Good? Who chooses... The metaphors of how our family raises us, you know, the mandrake is a perfect idea of ​​something that can become greater than its original circumstances. *SIGH* So there you have it. The complete bestiary of sexy monsters. Once again, I couldn't give you the full bestiary because it took me too long.

And if you'll excuse me, I'm going to jump into the ocean now. I CAN NOT DO THIS. I knew it was going to be cold, but I didn't think it was going to be this cold. Make sure you like this video and subscribe to Polygon if you want to see more Unraveled, and go ahead and leave a review about your new Castlevania title. Maybe that will convince them to make a new game.