Brad Williams Daddy Issues • Part 1 | LOLflix

There's no way I can live up to that, but damn, I'll try. Are you ready for the

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y? Are you ready to have a lot of fun tonight? Oh my gosh, I like to have fun. I like the

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y. Don't know. you but when I go out to party I like to drink I like the drink it's because I never have to pay for it because everyone wants to know what happens when a dwarf gets drunk right now you think like I wonder what happens I really would like to know That's like me and hot girls me and hot girls have that thing in common when we walk into the club and everyone just watches while it happens, we're going to do that tonight, it's true, but I don't know why, because nothing. happens when I drink nothing crazy like I don't know if one of your friends told you like no man you get drunk the gold coins explode nothing happens basically when I drink it's the same thing it's what a hot girl drinks I get very emotional I'll probably send her a message text to an ex and at the end of the night he could suck friend.

I also say things when I'm drunk that I never say sober under any circumstances like nothing a long time ago I was watching a game with my friend and the team and I put money on one. I was very excited, so I turned to my friend. I told him something I would never say if he were sober. I turned my go, yes, hit in the chest. I should never have said that. I should never have said it. Why did I do it? Tell that to my friend, he's 6ft 2, okay, he's 6ft 2. I hate to burst your bubble, but I have 12 friends, okay, it's not like midgets gather under the tree every Sunday to stop and watch football, ​So he's 6 foot 2, but he's been my friend for 20 years.

I'm not his friend, his dwarf. I'm not his little friend. To him I'm just Brad, so I tell him chest bump. He has been drinking; He says, yes, he just pumped and then jumped, why? job Wow, why did you join? It was already hard enough, okay, I'm already looking at it like climbing every mountain like that, do it right, you took something really hard and then you put something harder at the end. bathroom tests at the end of a Special Olympics race or something, okay, if you didn't laugh at that joke, you, that's a great joke and I can make that joke because I was in the Special Olympics, damn, okay , if I.

You ran track in the Special Olympics now, if you've never seen a holy race, you don't know what you're missing. It's amazing when a dwarf runs, the portal to heaven opens right there because the legs just shoot out in different directions. directions, but since I was in the junior Special Olympics, they didn't have everyone with the same disability, plus, if five midgets ran at the same time, they would all die from an abyss of joy, so it wasn't just little people running, that was it. These different kids with all these different disabilities kind of like an all-star team making a wish.

Yes, in Far Lane there was a boy on crutches who wasn't worried about him. I'm going to kick his ass. It's okay, no problem there next to him. I was a kid in a wheelchair what man what wheelchair that improves performance what are you doing unless there are stairs on the court I'm losing to this guy okay after that it was me and after that it was okay what is the politically correct term that's what you like to be called what you like to be called Bert guys okay that's true and don't feel sorry for him someone who feels sorry for him why feels sorry for me.

I'm the guy who has a career. At this event, while my dad is in the stands, I look at him like he's a dad, are you proud of me? He says no, I m not proud of you. You are running to a father's side. I'm not surrounding him and him. He really wasn't proud of me when my parents hit me, okay, he cheated, even though he cheated, his mother ran in front of him holding a marshmallow the whole time, he was backwards, so, back to the chest hit, so my six foot two inch friend punches me in the chest.

Do you want to know what happens when a six-foot boy punches a four-foot boy in the chest? God takes a dick in the face, that's what happens and you can't ignore a dick in the face, you can't just stop. on top of that you can't get over it like a fart during sex you can get over a fart during sex you can be there like Oh, eye contact buddy on the inhale, but when that happens, when that happens, you gotta own it, you mean my friend they just look at each other at each other making eye contact, no one knows what to say and then finally he looks at me and says: my bad dog, that's not my bad moment if you spill my beer okay, that's my bad moment if you drag your across my forehead you owe me a damn Hallmark card this is amazing this is great I like this I knew, I knew that when I was filming my next special I had to come back home to Southern California where I was born and raised, but I don't travel the country and I'll be honest with you, one of the reasons that makes California great is also what makes it shit because we have amazing weather all the time, but that makes us okay and we know we've all been there like, oh my god, I'm NOT going Going out today it's 68 degrees outside, it's school even though it's already out, but I'm one of you so yeah, bad weather scares me.

I was in New York City not long ago and yeah and they had a blizzard there, they had a foot and a half of snow in one day, okay, one is okay and I'm on stage talking like I have one foot. The Napa snow outside the audience is no big deal, no big deal and you eating habits know is that feet live in the snow and I'm four feet tall, that's a big deal for me, maybe not for you, maybe you walk about a foot in the middle of the snow, you stumble, you keep going, your knee gets wet.

Like, oh God, it's winter, if I trip and fall on one foot in that half of snow, I die, here are those words. I was afraid. I went to one of those sporting goods stores and bought one of those football flags and just taped it on. behind me walking like that through New York City all the time people look at me like Brad you look like a loser you don't care I'm going to live I travel a lot obviously for my job it's fun but sometimes things happen like last week I was traveling and I had a long flight.

I had the window seat and the next person overslept so I couldn't get up to go to the bathroom the whole time, so when I landed I actually had to go to the bathroom. so I run to the airport bathroom and this is where we get to a bit of bathroom etiquette that I don't think many of the gentlemen in this audience are aware of, okay ladies you can tune out, this is none of your concern gentlemen when You're in a public bathroom, stay away from my urinal. Look, men laugh because they know what you know.

I'm talking about the winner as if we had the urinal. Yes, I have a journal in every bathroom in these United States. He says it is required by law there are always two or three on your nose that are up here there is always one down there that is mine that is my urinal don't use it that you know is reserved for me that is reserved for your five year old - eldest son , Zachary, and that's reserved for any man with a two-foot dick, okay, then blacks clap, it's like I could use it if you can't, so I'm going to this bathroom now in this airport bathroom , they are all open urinals, it is a cornucopia.

From your annals one could even say that they have a large number of urinals and they are all wide open, only one is being occupied, guess which one, your nose is being occupied, so now I'm behind the guy. I'll do this as a dwarf I have a Peter and I say right behind him now other people coming into the bathroom see a dwarf dancing right behind you see a dwarf dancing behind someone you think I'm hexing them or something and I just had this moment where I couldn't take it anymore, so I just looked at the guy and thought: Excuse me, I'm sorry, he turned around and this is exactly what he did, no exaggeration, he just turned around and didn't leave, like all that was missing out southwest.

Airline logo like wanting to escape. I was telling my friend this story. He's like Brad, why didn't you wear a normal size? Know? Listen. I would love to wear the regular size. Girl. I don't have the muscle control necessary to use the regular size newspaper if I use the regular size you know I have to be like P turn it off pee shy don't be shy no I can't do that. I haven't done enough Kegels, look when I was nice to the guy. He said excuse me, I'm sorry, turn around, that was all. I'm not going to be nice anymore.

I will not be. If I went to the bathroom, I see one of you tall and using my urinal. I will completely go to r.kelly on his leg.