Black Comedians You Should Know PT. 2 (Feat. Deon Cole, Chaunté Wayans, Brian Simpson & More! )

Are they a fucking mechanic? You

know

you take your car for one thing and then they tell you other things that are happening. This is what the dentist does. You

know

I went in there, I had a toothache. This shit isn't even real. It's half a tooth in my head. I go in there, I tell her, bitch, my teeth hurt. She says: I'm going to have to get some x-rays. The tooth here, this dog was having x-rays done over here. I said, "Hey, bitch, why are you on this side?" She said, "I think I see a cavity coming." I said, "Well, she closes her damn eyes, because that's none of your business there." And what is it about the dentist that wants to be a hero for your teeth?

You go in there, kicking your own ass with your teeth. It's like, "Hey, this motherfucker is killing me. Take him out." This bitch says, "I can save the tooth." Whose bitch? I am the victim in this situation. Pull out the tooth, save the dog. That's my motto, I live by that. I'm living that double E life, but I'll tell you what, if it's not your teeth and if it's not your knee, another double E that we experience, you laugh too much and you pee. Sometimes, don't be a little bitch, some of you need to get wet right now.

Don't be too much, just enough to make you smell like R Kelly's girlfriend, just a little. But I tell you all one thing, it's a double E we're looking for, right? When you get to the old school, it's a double E that you used to run from, that you used to hide from, but now when you see that bitch, you know, you love it, right? You know the double E. Sleep. Oh, some of you motherfuckers want a nap right now. Have you ever taken a nap that lasts so long that you have to get up and get ready for bed?

Has that ever happened to you? I'm like, "Oh shit! It's almost time for bed. Why don't you wake me up? You all know I don't like being late to bed. - Leave it, you're all very supportive. But yeah, I brought my bag." to the stage. I did. Because I said, I don't know all of them, okay? I don't know all of them in this life, I'm from Harlem, and I have to watch my articles. Okay, so now I can relax. , I can concentrate. I'm so happy to be in New York! Beautiful, I didn't recommend it, I really don't, and I know being a New Yorker who doesn't like Los Angeles is very cliché, but it's my truth. , okay, and I'm a whistleblower yeah.

It's just little things, you know, I'm not an outdoors person, and look, I know how science works. Okay, I know there's a. sun for this land. However, the sun in Los Angeles is different. It really is brighter, it's aggressive, it's a fact, it is! Because I have

black

out curtains in my room because I'm a grown woman with things to hide, naturally. Naturally, and yet every morning that strip of sun still wakes me up, okay? That strip between the curtain and the window glass every morning hits me in the eye and asks me: why don't you go on a hike?

That's all. That's all. And I love old dogs, old dogs are my problem, okay? It's very true, right? I don't want that dog that hears the doorbell and starts running in circles and barking. I want the dog that hears the doorbell and says, "Will you make it?" You know what I mean? He doesn't even get up, he doesn't get out of bed, and that was this

black

lab just chilling, you know, plus it's a hundred degrees in Palm Springs, so this black lab and I are just two colored girls trying to stay in the shadow. We were best friends, we made a life together, and after 10 minutes of petting this dog, two older white women come up, fresh from a Nancy movie, they come because you know one of them obviously owns the dog, and Like, who are you?

And they introduced themselves and their names were Susan and Jan. Oh, Palm Springs, take me. I love it, and we start chatting, and I hope Susan and Jan are a couple, but they're just friends and I'm boring, but it's okay, keep talking, and we're chatting and Susan and Jan are best friends. They're on vacation, on a road trip, and Jan stays with me, she has a place in my heart, because Jan lived in Maui, Hawaii and was on vacation in Palm Springs, and yes, honey, and at one point we chatted and Jan He tells me, very seriously, "Well, I know people go to Maui on vacation, but sometimes I need a Maui vacation." That?

That's the Jan-nest shit I've ever heard in my life. Listen Jan, you're a bad bitch. Hi Jan, I see you, I see you, talking to me like I'm not black in America. Go on, Jan goes on. And then she's like, "Well, while I'm on the mainland," okay, take it back, Jan. Now it's overboard, you're probably from Indiana, okay? But she says, "While I'm on the mainland, I was thinking about visiting my brother, but I don't know." Jan, they don't give a damn about her brother. This is Jan's vacation. Oh my God, I'm trying to be a Jan in this life.

I feel like I'm a Susan right now, I'm just traveling, you know what I mean? But Jan is making the reservations, honey, she's fine, she's setting you up for success. This is how I feel. And I've been trying to figure out how I channel Jan. How can I be the Jan that I want to see in the world? - Now here's the irony, the first person who called me black was my grandmother. Yes, I will never forget it. I was seven years old. She called to me from the other side of her huge slave plantation house.

Good? And some of you must understand that being a kid in the eighties is kind of like when your parents called you from the other side of the house, you had to go see what they wanted, you couldn't yell at them. Good? You couldn't be "Brian?" You couldn't say, "What?" That would screw you up. And the second thing is that home video games were new and there was no nigga saved, so grandma didn't give a damn how long you were playing Mario Brothers, how far you got, how hard it was, "Get your butt up." here", right?

Then she called me from the other side of the house, I handed her the sticks and all she wanted was for me to open the window that she was sitting right next to. Direct power play. And I know she didn't. I said out loud, but she heard "lazy bitch" or something, right? She lost her mind, son. Suddenly, without arthritis, she jumped out of this chair, doubled her size like an anime villain, and I'll never forget this one. moment, it's burned into my brain. She says, "Nigga! There's about to be smoke in the damn city." Now, something else you need to understand is that all the older black women have a glossary of threats that are also riddles.

They have two purposes. One is to confuse the opponent and the second is to make I might look crazy if you call Child Protective Services. But I'm seven years old and I don't know riddles. So I have this look of confusion on my face. But something else I didn't know because I was seven years old is that look. confusion is the same as saying "Fuck you, you're trying to be a bitch?" And that's how she interpreted it, you know? As a direct challenge, she grabbed me under the armpit and hit me with a brutal knee. Boom, I made a move. perfect hip.

She threw me against the opposite wall. I landed face down on my head. Now, at that moment, all the other children she was taking care of in the house gathered around nieces, nephews, neighbors, children, grandchildren, We liked to see each other fucked back then, right? She wanted to set an example. She says, "Now, what did you learn, little black?" And I know what she wanted. She wanted me to say, "I never answer you or call you by your name." Good? That's what she wanted. And if it were any other day, she would have given it to him, but something deep inside me that day said, "Today we will fight." And she says, "What did you learn, little black?" And I said, "Well, you had the energy to throw me across the kitchen.

You could have gotten up and opened the window, Cynthia." I was in the hospital for two days and on the third day I was in a foster home.