18 Minutes of Parenting Advice From Your Favorite Comedians

(upbeat rock music) - Yes, but I didn't know that being pregnant could be very difficult. I didn't know because all you bitches lie about it. Women don't tell you how hard it is. I should have Googled it, I should have Googled being pregnant because it was really horrible because they don't show it to you in the movies. There's just a montage where the girl is in her office, she writes and then says. And she runs the bathroom, throws up once, and then in the next scene, she's in a jumpsuit painting a barn like, yeah. I can't wait to meet you, you know?

I vomit an exorcist amount every day. And I feel like, you know, if you had a good pregnancy, if you're someone who enjoyed being pregnant, I just hope

your

car flips. That's what I wish for you. Just like

your

car falls like Chappaquiddicks in a lake and you just slowly drown. Is it fair to say it? Because here's the thing: you're pregnant, but it doesn't change who you are. I hate women who start acting like they're really gorgeous and say, yeah, like we are now, I'm a saint and I've never, ever had sex in a train bathroom.

You know, we've all had sex in a train bathroom. You don't stop being you, you know? You don't stop working or drinking, like you... You know? - And yes, before you ask, I have three children. I'm a single father of three, that really sucks. I clap some days because I'm like any other parent, other days I wake up and say screw you kids because you worked my damn nerves. So what you need to know is that being a parent of children and being transgender is really different from what everyone sees. Because I have a 12 year old daughter, she is the baddest dog on the planet.

I say it with love, she would never say it to his face but she's not here, screw her. She has not yet started to develop breasts and still has bullying problems at school. So she came home and told me what happened, and I was like, well, wait, because the dad in me knows what to do but the faggot in me was like, let me tell you what to tell those little helpers. You go back to school and let them know that no, you don't have boobs right now, but when you did, not only did your mom have a fantastic B cup, but your dad sported a double D.

So tell those bitches. When you have some boobs, they get into trouble. Do you have milk? My 16 year old daughter is having bullying problems at school from a little boy she likes or something, and she has been terrorizing my daughter. So I went to school, followed the protocol, but that didn't work. I said I would meet this fool on the playground. I woke up one morning, now what you have to understand about my mornings is that I didn't wake up like that. I went up one morning with a beard, my tits pushed out, bad breath and everything, hair stuck together.

I saw him on the playground and I said, look, little buddy, you're going to leave Izzy alone or I'm going to screw you. When I tell you, I was so confused that I didn't know whether to scratch the watch or wind it. I'm sure he went home and he told his mom and his dad that his mom and his dad had attacked him. But that's not even the good thing because I have a son, heterosexual, male. Twisted sister right here and I discovered on purpose and by accident that he has discovered the joys of manhood, guys.

Ladies, I'm not talking to you right now, I'm talking to the guys. So I go into his room to change his bedding, I take off his blanket, when I tell you there's all kinds of DNA crossing, just twins, triplets and shit, I think, what the hell? I get out of bed and step on the carpet, it's just crunchy. I say, oh, hell no. Then I go into the closet to get his gym clothes, his sports socks, stiff as an ironing board, all of you. They smoke cigarettes and shit and high five each other. I say, oh player, I have to talk to you.

So when he came home from school, I said, let me talk to you, player. Let me talk to you. It's a natural thing, all men do it, gay, black, straight, white, Mexican, all men do it, married, whatever, men just do it. So I walked out of the room and he was like, okay, great. So he said, well dad, can I ask you a question? I said, what's up, little player? He said, do you do it? I told him, no, man, I have someone to do it for me, I'm fine. Because I tell you that in my house things were so serious.

He kept approaching the table with his hands like Rihanna, shining like a diamond. Oh shit, I'm like, wow dude, wash your hands, use the Dollar Store soap twice, shit. - The crazy thing about our parents, when you see people, is that all the parents are kind and it's almost like having two moms. You can do whatever you want, be careful. By screwing our parents, they could be mean and nice at the same time. Do you want to do me a favor? Get out of here. Thank you. That's why I say teach your children good and evil.

Teach them right from wrong and, most importantly, teach those damn assholes the difference between fireworks and gunshots. We know. We already know. We know what a fucking flare sounds like and by the time we're fucking (bleep) you're gone. It's different, listen, one thing we don't do is not disrespect our parents. It has never been done. Or stepparents, let me cover all the bases. You know, we don't answer. He was at the airport and this boy said to his mother: I hate you. And everyone at the airport was like oh. And then we looked and the lady was crying, we were like, what the fuck, hey?

Fuck his ass. That's the only way for her to learn, screw him. And everyone at the airport was saying, "Fuck him, screw him, screw him." And then the fucking Latinos came out, to the bimba, to the boom, to the bim bom bang. Chicasos, chicasos, rar, rar, rar. - As long as you continue to chase that dream that your dad supports you, I have you, brother, 100 percent. Oh my god, thank you dad. I say, what do you want to be when you grow up? He says: I want to be an architect. And I say, Joe, I saw you draw.

Do you have another dream? What the fuck are you talking about? Have you ever thought about nursing? Get out of here. I love my son but I understand where my mom is coming from because she is that age. Right when she turned 12, that's when she stopped taking care of herself. And that's when I stopped taking care of him because that's what you're supposed to do when you're a parent. 12, Now you should know how to brush your teeth. You know what to do, Joe. But now that I ignore the fact that he doesn't brush his teeth, I have to deal with breathing.

The breath comes out hot. Hot and breathing hard when he talks. Dad. Dad. Dad. I said, Joe, what did I tell you to do when you talk to me? What did I tell you to do? Look towards the wall. Look at the wall and write it down. Let me read what the fuck you're trying to tell me. Armpits, damn it. Armpits smell like chopped onion. And I always get mad, I'm like Joe, why do I smell it first? I'm here, you're here, damn it. I take the deodorant every time, Joe, this is all you have to do, just rub it under your armpit like this, that's all you have to do.

Now listen to me, here's the important part, when you go to the other armpit, I want you to go through the mouth. - The Vicks, we put Vicks on everything, yes. I love Vicks. I remember the first time I introduced Vicks to my little French family. You would have thought he had poured acid on them. My daughter had a bad chest cold, right? Then I heard the rattle, she was sleeping but she could hear the rattle, so I said, Wanda, bring your Vicks. So I take my Vicks and I go into her room, you know, I open my Vicks and I start putting some on her chest.

She wakes up, mommy, boo, you're burning me. I say, no, no, honey, she's just Vicks, she's Vicks, she'll open the thing. Mom, mom, Vick Vick Vick mom. Mommy boo is burning me. I say, Olivia, I'm not going to burn you, honey. It's just Vicks, it's Vicks Vapor Rub. He will open this. My wife walks into the room, honey, what's the problem? Oh, my eyes. Oh! Baby oh! Olivia, close your eyes, Olivia. Oh, close your eyes, Olivia, please. Oh baby, why are you burning us? What are you doing? I say, it's just Vicks. Can't they handle Vicks?

Vicky! He was so angry. I thought, everyone has cheese that he is stronger than Vicks. One of my first trips to Paris, right, I'm at his mother's house, we're having dinner, they're passing around a plate of cheese. Wanda, tu veux le fromage? No, thanks. Because I want to know who shits on this table. Then we'll just sit here like this didn't happen, huh? Say who did poop in your pants? That is what i want to know. Don't make me get up and go around checking on everyone, is that what we're doing? Different. But you know, all I do is try to raise my kids like I was raised.

That's what I'm doing, raising my kids like I was raised, you know? Yes. It didn't turn out that bad, right? And oh boy, I put good lotion on them, you should see them, oh. They'll be shiny, man. They hate him. My wife says, why, why all the lotion, the cream? What is cream used for? I say, because I don't want small, ashy children. She takes her legs, everything, I put lotion on them. Bright boy leaves home. I bet even the little black kids at school look at them as if to say, "Here come those greasy twins." Here come the greasy twins. - Shit, my mom cured everything with Vicks Vapor Rub.

Vicks Vapor Rub! He should have died nine times when he was a child. That's abuse. This time I thought he had pneumonia, come on, mom, I think I have pneumonia. She says: I'll put extra Vicks in your body, Joseph. Rub it all over, Joseph. Rub it on the bottom of your foot and then put a sock on your foot and then the pneumonia will come out of your foot, Joseph. I'm just suffocating from fucking Vicks. I should have called the police. One time he was so sick, I swear to God, true story, I go, mom, I don't feel good, I can't sleep.

I can't sleep, mom. My mom took a finger, dipped it in Vicks, and rubbed it on my eyelids. Above my eyelids. That shit was burning so much that I go, mom, it's burning. I can not open my eyes. My mom says, well then you can sleep. Good night, José. - I have four daughters, I don't know what the hell I did right or wrong. Four daughters, can you imagine? Oh Lord. Because I've been lying to women and cheating on them my whole life. God said, I got something for you, black, yeah. You know God from DC, he said, I have something for you, thin one.

I have something for you, slim. Four daughters. No more shootings on bitches' backs for me and nothing like that. Skeet on another bitch's back. I asked the doctor, what did I do wrong? He said: You gotta stop fucking women in dress socks, Mike. I'm walking around the house naked with dress socks on. Yeah, it's great to have daughters, you know, because you can see your mother in them and stuff. You look at your mom and you're like, damn girl, you remind me of my mom, you know what I mean? You'll be able to see beautiful things when you have daughters, you know?

But what pisses you off and makes you angry is, man, when they start dating. They start bringing small children to the house. Because you don't know what the effect of having a daughter is until she brings a black man into the house. My daughter has been bringing home all the little boys who look like me, I want to kill every last one of them. I said, if you're like me, I'm going to screw you. I really want to fuck this one up. He's walking, looking at me, ha ha ha ha. You fucking tight pants ass, you little nut hugger.

I'm looking at it going like this. Gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, black. One night I needed weed and I couldn't find it, I called everyone. I said I'm going to try something. He was sitting there and I said, Hey, do you smoke marijuana? He said: No, I don't smoke marijuana. I said, I knew he was lying, I said okay. And before he could walk out the door, he said: I know who got it. I said oh yeah? Yes, I know who got it, I know who got it. I said, is it good? He said it's noisy.

I said, go get it. Man, I'm sitting there looking at this little motherfucker. He left through the back door and returned to the house. I told him, "I'm going to fuck, I'll slap him as soon as I see him." I said hello, who the fuck do you think I am? He was like, what, OG? I have it. I said, man, you had it on you. I said, get your ass over here. Because he still wanted it, I wasn't going to kick his ass out of that house while he was looking for this, I said, get your ass over here, man.

Man, the marijuana was so good that I was asking my daughter, where's your little friend? I like a bit. I liked it too much, now I have a granddaughter. That weed took over.