Bill Burr Stand-Up Monologue - SNL

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BILL BURR! [ Applause and applause ♪ THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU. I'M SO... I'M SO EXCITED TO BE HERE THAT I'VE BEEN DOING STANDUP FOREVER. AND THIS HAS ALWAYS BEEN A LIFETIME DREAM OF MINE TO COME AND HOST "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE. SO THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING OUT. [ Applause and applause during these difficult times. YOU SHOULD LOOK LIKE SURGEONS WITH YOUR MASKS ON I FEEL COMFORTABLE THAT YOU'RE WEARING MASKS I LIKE PEOPLE WHO WEAR MASKS THAT'S GOOD YOU'RE LISTENING TO THE EGGHEADS WE ALL CHEATED IN HIGH SCHOOL, DON'T YOU KEEP LISTENING TO THEM AND THEN IF YOU DON'T WEAR A MASK, THAT DOESN'T BOTHER ME EITHER, RIGHT?

YOU KNOW, TAKE OUT YOUR WEAK COUSIN WITH ASTHMA, I DON'T CARE IT'S YOUR DECISION THERE ARE TOO MANY PEOPLE IT'S A DREAM COME TRUE IF YOU ARE SO DUMB AND YOU WANT TO KILL YOUR OWN FAMILY MEMBERS, DO IT BY ALL MEANS, DO IT. STOP PLAYING IT'S LITERALLY A DREAM COME TRUE AND TALKING ABOUT DREAMS COME TRUE DID YOU SEE RICK MORANIS GOT PUNCHED ON THE TOP? , YEAH! IT HAD TO HAPPEN THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PUT AN M&MS STORE IN TIMES SQUARE, OKAY? THE UNIVERSE HAS TO BALANCE SO THAT THE PEEP SHOWS RETURN IN TIMES SQUARE, OLD PEOPLE CAN WALK SAFELY 40 BLOCKS AWAY.

I DON'T KNOW I'LL PROBABLY BE CANCELED FOR DOING THAT, YOU KNOW, HOW STUPID THAT CANCELLED THING IS? THEY ARE LITERALLY RUNNING OUT OF PEOPLE TO CANCEL, NOW THEY ARE GOING AFTER DEAD PEOPLE. THEY ARE TRYING TO CANCEL JOHN WAYNE. IT'S LIKE, GOD DID THAT 40 YEARS AGO. THEY'RE ALL UP IN ARMS THEY'RE LIKE DID YOU HEAR WHAT HE SAID IN THAT INTERVIEW ON "PLAYBOY" IN 1970? CAN YOU BELIEVE IT'S LIKE, YEAH? HE WAS BORN IN 1907. IS THIS WHAT THESE PEOPLE SOUNDED LIKE YOU NEVER TALKED TO YOUR GRANDPARENTS AND WERE AFRAID OF THE WRONG TOPIC? DID IT SUDDENLY GO OFF THE RAILS?

LIKE OH GOD KEEP MAKING THE COOKIES. YES, YOU DON'T DO THE ISSUE OF RACE OR RELIGION WITH YOUR GRANDPARENTS. KEEP IT SIMPLE ANYWAY, I DON'T KNOW, I KNOW, I GET IT. MY GRANDPARENTS ARE OLDER, I DON'T KNOW. PLOWING FORWARD. GO ON, LET'S TALK - LET'S TALK ABOUT WHITE WOMEN HERE, LET'S TALK ABOUT AMAZING WHITE WOMEN. INCREDIBLE ACHIEVEMENTS IN RECENT YEARS. THE WAY WHITE WOMEN KIDNAPPED WOKE MOVEMENT GENERALS AROUND THE WORLD YOU SHOULD LOOK AT THIS. TO REFRESH YOUR MEMORY, THE WOKE MOVEMENT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT PEOPLE OF COLOR. NOT GETTING OPPORTUNITIES. FINALLY MAKING THAT HAPPEN THEY WORKED ON IT, FOR ABOUT EIGHT SECONDS.

So, somehow, white women got their Gucci-booted feet over the fence of oppression and stayed at the front of the line. I don't know how they did it. I HAVE NEVER HEARD SO MANY COMPLAINTS IN MY LIFE FROM WHITE WOMEN. She I'M HURT WITH MY SUV AND HEATED SEATS YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE ME DISCARDING WHITE PEOPLE. THE NERVE. WHERE IS THE CAMERA NERVE YOU WHITE WOMEN I DON'T WANT TO TALK BAD ABOUT MY BITCHES HERE, OK I KNOW, LET'S GET BACK TO THE STORY HERE, OK YOU YOU SUPPORTED US TOXIC WHITE MEN THROUGH CENTURIES OF OUR CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY .

YOU ROLL YOURSELF IN BLOOD MONEY. Every once in a while, when you wanted to sneak out and hook up with a black guy, if you got caught, you'd say it wasn't consensual. YES, THAT'S WHAT YOU DID! THAT'S WHAT YOU DID! So why don't you shut up, sit next to me and take your talk to thank you? So, I haven't been to New York in about a year, you know, I was here last year, filming a movie. I HAD A GREAT TIME WITH JUDD APATOW, PETE DAVIDSON AND ALL THE GUYS [ Applause and applause YES, I HAD A GREAT TIME.

AND I HAVEN'T BEEN HERE IN LIKE 13 YEARS. I IMMEDIATELY NOTICED HOW VERY FULL THE CITY WAS. I HAD A TROPHOBIC CLAUSE. WHAT IS HAPPENING? PEOPLE DON'T USE SAFE SEX, THEY MAKE ALL THESE BABIES, YOU KNOW, I FINALLY WALKED TO THIS GUY FROM THE NEW YORK DOOR, WHAT'S HAPPENING? WHAT'S GOING ON WITH ALL THESE PEOPLE? HE'S LIKE, OH, NO, DON'T WORRY, IT'S JUNE. Wow, IT'S PRIDE MONTH. AND I SAY, WHAT IS THAT? YOU KNOW I'M 52 YEARS OLD, I NEVER HEARD OF THAT, RIGHT? I DIDN'T HAVE THAT WHEN I WAS A CHILD. GO, GAY PRIDE MONTH AND I WAS LIKE, OOOH!

DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE STUCK IN THE MATRIX AND YOU CAN'T? EVERYTHING IS PRESSED, YOU CAN'T SEE ANYTHING. SOMEONE GIVES YOU THAT PIECE OF INFORMATION THAT TAKES YOU BACK WHY IS IT SO FULL? IT'S GAY PRIDE MONTH OH TANK TOPS! ZERO PERCENT BODY FAT! TWO BOYS KISSING RAINBOW FLAGS! AAH! I DIDN'T KNOW I LEARNED THAT. THE MONTH OF JUNE IS GAY PRIDE MONTH. IT'S A LITTLE LONG, DON'T YOU THINK? FOR A GROUP OF PEOPLE WHO WERE NEVER ENSLAVED, HOW DID THEY GET ALL OF JUNE? THE BLACKS WERE ACTUALLY ENSLAVED, THEY ARRIVED IN FEBRUARY. THEY HAVE 28 DAYS OF CLOUDY WEATHER.

THE SUN SETS AT 4:00 IN THE AFTERNOON. EVERYONE IS SHEVERING. NO ONE WANTS TO GO TO THE PARADE, IF YOU CONNECT THEM WITH JULY THESE ARE PEOPLE FROM ECUADOR GIVE THEM THE SUN FOR 31 DAYS. THERE ARE GAY BLACKS, THEY COULD PARTY FROM JUNE 1, JUNE 31, 61 DAYS TO CELEBRATE. THAT'S MY TIME, WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU ALL. JACK WHITE IS HERE EA SCKROD,E' BAZING. PLSETI EVEN WLLE RIGHT