Best of dave allen

a fat pork pie, now the only thing about Christmas and Christmas trees is that it's not really difficult to get a Christmas tree, but if you think back. Last Christmas it was even harder to get rid of that damn thing. I mean, try getting rid of the Christmas tree at the end of Christmas, the dust won't accept it, you can't burn it because you live in a smoke-free area. and after Christmas you find yourself surreptitiously crawling around your neighborhood trying to find a construction container and you can't find one, so you dump it in some of these gardens, thank goodness, go around it, go back to your own house and this is considered My Moment as Arsenal Most Annoying Thing About Christmas Wrapping Paper Now Why can't wrapping paper manufacturers make wrapping paper so big it can wrap two gifts?

Why is it always only one and a half? This really got to the point. now because of my presence to fit the role I buy a big gift a small gift and the other thing I've noticed about Christmas you buy a box of biscuits and it says Made in Britain with foreign parts, are we all? that the cookies are not so much the cookies, they are the hats, there are no hats that you mess with why they don't fit you, make them slide over your eyes, placed on the top of your head, who matches the testicles?

I mean, two other guys in Singapore sitting in a small sweatshop, one would have a huge 3 and 7/8 head. to me you are horrified what it is that indoor fireworks - have you seen the indoor fireworks the snake lights it up bingo dog excrement The dog of Mount Vesuvius spins the hot air zeppelin a flying dog you are under tremendous stress and if You watch yourself all Christmas Your family becomes enemies Everyone needs to erase their smile Squeeze your voice What used to be my god They were meant to have a good time Find yourself at the top Fools at the top One of the things I've noticed about to change Christmas, in fact, you can have a room full of children together and sit them all in one room and if you tell all these children that they were born in a stable, they will all say my little pony.

Wow, actually I think it's about time we get on with the show, right? yah yah hah the enemy ah dah dah dah dah gah if there's an enemy offensive I chose these tanks to break through yeah late buzzing Tarzan me Tarzan me Jane I always wondered what you gonna call Little John oh oh damn find out I say, I said Hey, am I afraid that we're too late for things? Tell me, what have you seen? Man, it's imperative that we know what you're looking at. Your daughter's life depends on it. What's in your America? Man, calm down, find.

Find out what you see at home now, so old man, tell me what you saw, oh God, thank you at the table, oh right, in what way would you excuse me? The table doesn't turn, it doesn't turn, it should okay. According to Greek mythology, the god Zeus created woman, a woman to punish man, he created a woman named Pandora, he gave him two things, he gave him a box which he told him never to open, and he gave him a curiosity that he knew he couldn't contain, he knew. that eventually she would open the box and release upon the world all the evils and evils that have plagued us since tonight.

I would like to tell you a true story that all Nevis traits that the sin of curiosity still resides in the breast of a woman, but would also illustrate with terrifying clarity that the power of the supernatural still exists. My story begins in Ireland at the beginning of the last century. A young man returned to his ancestral home, of which she was his girlfriend during the first weeks. There she took care of getting to know her neighbors, the countryside, her servants, but above all the house that was her home, it was a large and labyrinthine house, with long and endless hallways that join the stairs.

She was very happy exploring this house for hours and hours until she finally thought that she knew. the house from the basement to the attic and when he thought he knew the house from top to bottom he discovered one day in the west wing in a corridor that he had never seen before on the wall of that corridor there was a tapestry that represented the expulsion of Lucifer from the sky and behind the Isadora tapestry a closed door he tried all the keys on his key ring but in vain the door remained closed he put his ear against the door I think he heard a sound similar to the sobbing of a child he asked him The servants were talking about the door and all they did was look away and say, "Ask the master," and that night he had dinner, she didn't, she said what the room is, what's there, why is it closed.

A shiver came over our husband, he looked. she with eyes that were both angry and scared he said you should never try to enter that room she said why and he said I don't know all I know is that in 400 years my family has lived here no one has set foot in that room room and no one please don't bring that up again don't talk to me about the room or the door the weeks went by but she couldn't get rid of this thought of the door she was intrigued that's why it sparked her curiosity the room was like a magnet he It drew her back again and again she would stand in front of that door and wonder what was there and then fate would smile on her or so it seemed to her one day when she was placing some flowers on an old dresser she noticed a In a small gap He stuck his hands in and they reached into a small wooden lever which he moved under his exploring fingers, a panel on the back of the dresser opened and there was a key covered in dust.

He knew without a doubt that he had found the key to the locked doors now the possibility that his curiosity would not be satisfied waited waited waited until our husband was finally called on business he would not return the next day that night he dismissed his servants early he retired to a room and waited and when she was sure that the house was completely silent with a smile of anticipation she took the key out of her pocket and hey, no, because of the flickering lamp she went down the darkness of the stairs down the hallway, we tell her That was the last time he was there.

In front of that door he had not dealt with it for so long, but with his heart beating, he put the key in the door and with a single hollow click the door opened, he slowly entered, there was nothing in the room that he could see except a blackness like ink. She took a step, another step, another step until she found herself in the center of the room, she raised her lamp above her head and when she didn't do so, the flame flickered and went out, she was enveloped in this darkness, a darkness so heavy, so thick it was almost physical she screamed it was a scream from a totally terrified woman a scream from a woman who knew she was about to be destroyed by her own curiosity a woman screaming because she had finally discovered what was in that room and it was mixed with his own screams with another song sounds so obscene, so primal it defied definition, he looked over his shoulder only to hear the door slowly close, knowing that any escape he had was cut off and when a door closed, it didn't just cut off his escape. , but it cut off his last fear. sobs, what made her scream, what evil was in that room, what supernatural force made that door close on time.

I have no idea, but if I ever find out, I'll let you know. My dear screen, I am close to death, you have been wonderful. life mother take care of my son teach him to be honest and worthy successor of my crown and as for you my love do not cry I would not do this act now that I have the widow so I thought I was too young and beautiful to spend your life in the morning of widowhood, my dear, I give you the key to your chastity. I never realized if you compare animals to humans when it comes to females.

Sex rears its ugly head. What is normally complimentary to a male is a total insult to a female. for example, if you wise men save a male, he is a ram, you will really think of great sexual prowess, oh oh, hello, Lee, complimentary, but you got the female of the species and apply it to a female, Call it a cow woman, not nice at all. about you, cow, what did you say, someone said, he is a gay dog, she is a cunning fox, you think of a fox, he is smart, sharp, clever, fox, it means cunning, you can't even say a male person , quite a feminine person, you actually say things as a person. safe person I mean safe cat we all know it's a woman sitting in the chair but suddenly it becomes a chair person when I say femur and even when it comes to advertising occupations you can't advertise a sex certain.

In fact, I saw an ad saying that a person is urgently needed to breastfeed just to show how stupid that ad was. I requested it. I saw another one that says that they are looking for a person of both sexes. There is a sperm donor. I applied for that one, so I didn't get any of them. One of the main, I guess, one of the main changes in society today is our attitude towards what we would call the sexist stereotype or the role that sex plays. If you really think back to your childhood, we had very distinctive lines.

My mother was a big believer in a bubble. She remembered sexual differences. When I was 4 years old I was walking with my mother down the street and my mother said things like David walks outside. I mean, he walks outside of me. Why does mommy leave your sword arm free? I don't have a sword, no, but in the days of years ago, when men had swords, some men wanted to attack the female so that the male would walk around the outside of the female so he could get to her. any sword and fight that person sees and that's why you walk outside I don't have a sword no but you protect mom you protect the male you are a male you are the stronger of the two males are the hunters the providers the females stay at home and make a home in a nest and keep it warm for the big one stop crying now if a bus came up to the curb you would save the bus from hitting the money my hands on us no but the bus would hit you and Stop before it has your uncle's mummy inside over the years over the years women women women are much more independent now and I am very pleased with that, but I am much more aware of their own sex, they are not I was so prepared to play that subordinate role to the hairy male that existed.

I mean, there was a time when girls waited for the male's initial advance, which usually came after the pubs had closed and between techniques, colored threads and Belcher herself. or her body was subjected to a kind of groping attack if she said look, there is actually what I would do, in a way, there is a reversal, a role reversal is taking place, women are much more independent, although much more prepared to go out. and pick someone up if they feel like having someone follow them oh no they won't sit across the room and wait for some kind of magical thing to happen.

Well, I was pretty prepared to cross. I'm answering the phone. pay him a compliment, tell him he looks good, he has nice clothes like your hair, he might even suddenly grope him, so I've heard that yes, nowadays, much more, much more direct about sex and what sex is to them, That's right. bad women women will talk about orgasms my right to have an orgasm I'm not your sex toy I want I want you had it last night it's my turn tonight but the man now doesn't know how to react in this he was the hunter now he's the hunted he He doesn't know what he can't do foreplay he does know what to do with it she is talking I want an orgasm because we won together do you think you could handle that? the mail he knows what to do he withdraws basically from what men talk now we are going to make love but you are going to lie that suddenly you leave why I haven't taken any precautions he tries that I haven't taken any precautions she said it's It's well, I took the pill an hour ago, you will say things like you have never said before and she will say: I have something to cure, that now there is a total change in sexual relations between men and women, the man is actually pretending.

The orgasm I will react to is under pressure like this and they will just know what to do. You get nervous and that's why you get tense. You start thinking about anything else. Everything about pleasurable sex is doing it. in a totally relaxed and open state, okay, he's under attack, come on, there's nothing inside, he's thinking okay, there he goes up, I hope he doesn't come back down, oh, don't go, you don't have one of those preemies . Sorry honey, this never happened before the beautiful fantasy fantasy is presented. The woman will actually say: can't you think of anyone?

Then it's an escape for you. No, no, I can't go back to sleep either. Kill everyone. women and rape all the men rape all the women and kill all the men play your games we've never been able to make things happen it's all your damn fault for not earning enough anyway they don't start you don't like me wait Karen little men I have given you the

best

years of my life you have no drive there is no ambition that is a problem anyone moves she understands I can't stand that young upstart who lies have you insulted me?

Felicity, that's mine, really yes, I actually have good intentions of ch

allen

ging him to a duel.I don't think it's a very good idea, why isn't he the

best

duelist in the world? Well, I'll have to make sure my experience matches yours here. The unfortunate man is coming, excuse me sir, can I speak with the uncertain? It's just that three weeks ago he insulted my wife very well, sir, my godfathers will wait for him with swords at the door, he's still alive, thank God, that means 8:45 am I haven't left yet sambar I'll show you first the city ​​room oh yeah next door open what was that?

Who is the door? oh no, no, no, it didn't just open, the whole place is, uh, it's the latest in home automation. Oh, everything works with a voice command, don't believe me, look at your ass, door closed, curtains closed, lights on, oh, no, no, I mean, this is like my favorite TV channel, three, argh, cancel, Come back, you were speechless, hey, can I try it? yeah, don't open it curtains open lights off hey idiot like god that's amazing fire oh ha ha anything else every everything here cat Oh Oh, one of the other things I loved as a kid was going to the movies, but nowadays I feel to the kids They are missing out on a lot of things because going to the movies when I was cast Marvis was a great event it was an adventure it was a moment today I just think the kids would be very happy to stand in the lobby and just play those space invaders . but when I went to the cinema they were totally involved in it feeling of excitement the lights would hurt all the children in the cinema we would all applaud the lights of just going there was a love scene the children p800 go the machine broke down the projector broke although not we did the mall, you have all the kids walking around a word and then when the lights came on again we all groaned because that meant we had to go back to the real world, our escapism was gone, I mean you'll always be able to count whatever image we've seen the way everyone walked out of the theater, I mean, did you know there's a war movie, we just walk through the theater, 600 kids come, uncle art, Robin Hood, I love The Invisible Man, I'd be walking by the street, my mess, yes, all those children leave crying, you know, girl. had cut up his pad again, it was much more valuable in those days, when he was a kid, it usually had one main movie, but it had a second movie, lots of cartoons and trailers, but all the exciting parts it contained and not only that, but which was exciting. to go to the movies because you had all the Dodgers, you didn't go up and he gave you money, you didn't have the money, so, poor Dodgers, there would be eight or nine of you and only one would have the money for you to buy the ticket and then you would leave and as soon as the lights went out you would rush towards the open exit door because the ushers were the closest thing to a kind of reincarnation of Hitler the other thing was always if you were at the cinema to pick up an old ticket and take it with you because as soon as If you intervened in that scattered movement and you would sit down, you would sit there and shoot like a little bit of admission money, every time they showed up they would point at you paid to get in here yeah, show me your ticket, you go I used to go to the cinema in Dublin there's someone from Dublin watching this show it was called the wrench is in the wrenches in Dublin it's called that It wasn't actually called the ranch, it was called Corinthian, but there were so many pictures of cowboys that all the kids call it the f

allen

wench at the ranch and then We discovered that there was a method here in the school lab to get "I hate myself" and dip it. in silver nitrate it made it look like a shilling, one of your shillings, this cashier at the ranch was very short-sighted, so take it, give her a silver.

Hey, did you get a tan makeover? They would have a full servant, it would only take about three. In fact, I love them all. I started with horrible movies 30 33 years of my life and I have never seen anyone in movies go to the bathroom. I don't mean I really want to see them go, I just want to know they go. I love hearing someone say. Excuse me. I'm going to love it. Have you ever seen someone in a good movie? 10 commandments, there are Moses and 40,000 Jews and they walk from Egypt to the promised land. I am not a single person who has told Moses.

Sorry. Moses commanded in the darkness behind the hill and I am going through 55 days in heat. He can. t 55 days in Beijing they do everything they make love they kill they have babies they dance to eat but no one does anything no one says never I'm just going to the bathroom I'm not surprised the Chinese didn't like the place afterwards You would think that with a movie like Gone with the Wind took someone would have died Images of cowboys How many times have you seen photos of cowboys in the living room? Have you ever seen a sign that says bathroom gentlemen and those cowboys are eating beans and drinking beer? the day they do it that's why they shoot those guns all the time not only are the people there the animals do you see all those horses have you ever looked at the ground there is nothing in it I live in the field I walk five medicines everywhere putting those photos of cowboys all those horses tied up nothing those big ranches bringing in thousands of cattle nothing I mean, how did he do it, how did he stop it, it's like three minutes before they start filming a movie, they say, okay, put on the quarks in I mean, you see a buffalo stampede 20,000 Buffalo Stampede II now, why not?

Why is there an animal stampede? There is a scared and what happens to any living creature on this earth when it is scared. Your anal nerve goes away and yet when that powder clears 3,000 bubble oh there ain't no shit on TV it's so much more realistic I've been sitting here drinking that means I'll do it 'cause there are some things a man should do alone While I'm gone, we'll show you our version of some of the great classics, I'm going home, we check out the rippers, that's cool, oh, hello, ducky, the ripper, the job is done, the commissioner will surely free the Dr.

Jekyll, okay, Clara, say you're now playing Mary, Queen of Scots. I'll take the cigarette out of your mouth, stupid. Okay, you come in here, put your head on the ball, yeah, look into the lens, last smile, okay, Paxman. you increase your ACT slowly, I'll cure you, okay, sure, yeah, okay, let's do a take, you know, are you ready, Harry, are you okay, roll on board 14, take 107, action that's lovely, with the head down, okay, great, elevate your actions slowly, nice and dramatically. straight to the top now everything that would hold it at the top there cut good night mr. president mrs.

Lincoln I hope you enjoy the show. I'm sure we'll do well - medicine 0uk smith koloski raleigh palmer guys, okay, just before we go, a few words, you all know how vitally important this mission is, you also know that our possibilities arise from it. I live zero but you six men have been chosen because your six men love to fight and I couldn't ask to have five men better than you not only because your men have left to fight but also if you believe in something as strongly as you three do. Give up your lives because it makes me feel proud to be here by your side, knowing that we will both fulfill a duty for God and the country, this mission is a success.

Hey, I've managed to perfect the machine that will give me invisibility. Just think. of him as the Invisible Man, a completely new life will open before me. I can move from room to room without being seen. Nothing will be hidden from me now to achieve my life's ambition. I, Richard of Gloucester, whom some call by my name. My own hand sent her husband's praise to the grave and now she hates me, but love is close to hate, isn't it? And with sweet words, yes, and with tears, I will show him that everything was done for love and with those words I will erase it. his mantra of I will marry her and thus win the crown each one not with lips like contempt my lady were made for kissing not for such satisfaction the vengeful heart cannot forgive no here I have ended with a spiky lawn but yes please Hide in this progress and places a stone that a Dorothy that I laid, reaches the mortal blow and humbly begs my death on my knee.

You're not supposed to realize that nowadays, no matter what you say or when someone is trying to psychologically analyze what the whole thing means. hidden meaning or hidden messages behind this all scientists tell us that about 35 percent of all communication is done in words, the rest is made up of the way we dress, the sounds we make, the hand gestures what we do and what we call. body language for example we are told that we tell a lot about ourselves and our inner self by the colors we were for example people who wear yellow basically I will be depressed I am there trying to cheer up wearing yellow imagine I will dress of yellow and they know internally that yellow doesn't look good on them so they become even more depressed than they were before wearing the other one, I mean brown, they tell us that if you wear brown, you are insecure, you are shy, you need a lot of confidence to generate confidence, gray they tell us. if we were cool if we wear gray because we don't want people to know what we really are how we really are is a kind of nondescript color I wear bright blue you wear blue you are your car I am easy white clean pure intact virginal why nuns they wear black red red when it comes to women it's sexually aggressive that's what they're actually saying they're coming I walk into a room and they're actually saying: This is my body, it's mine and I'm proud of it and it does wonderful things .

Look at it, that will take yours and swallow it in a moment and then, a week later, she wears black and says. he couldn't stand it they told us red red black and white extremely aggressive I'm dressed in bright white gray dressed in blue calm down my virgin a little aggressive I don't know why I'm in mourning but I think I know that there is also when we talk about communication, there is the body language, now in a sense it has become a science, people really believe in what body language is, there are all kinds of gestures, messages that we send through our body, we will be sitting very still, but our body is sending. all kinds of messages, for example, if I do things like this, that means I am satisfied with myself, how can I cross my arms?

Crossing your arms is, in a sense, telling yourself or other people to back off. I really don't want contact with you this is my territory stay away okay I'm building barriers so push this with your legs I do it unguarded genitals I really don't want anything to do with you at all okay and if I do this too, I'm really telling you, push the purchase, I'm not going to screw myself with open hands, we do things that I don't know, listen to me please, now listen to me, I'm being totally honest, but open house, open justice, well, look at what you have, open legs, look at what. which means you're sexually available all the ladies in the front row are gone that's what it says honestly I'm sexually available I love you when you do things like when you're sitting in the chair with your legs up and you're just pointing your foot, without realizing it you are sending messages to the person you would like to have sex with sexually available, not to the cameraman, I'm not talking, there are also all kinds of Sol, I mean, when In fact, he thinks of us in gestures, aggressive gestures, Have you ever noticed it?

There's no aggressive gestures that are down there, someone behind you in the car, now the window will open, so actually, I mean, there are things that we're not supposed to do naturally. your body behaves naturally you are me, for example, come to New York, New York, what is really happening is that your body is absorbing more oxygen, someone at some point has applied what they would call rings, good manners, never You yawn, you don't. Don't do that, don't stop, cover your mouth, so anyway you have a yawn, you're in the place, you want to leave, go, Joe put himself in your own house in the previous part of your house when you actually wake up in tomorrow you don't yawn and that's beautiful you don't sit in bed when you wake up in the morning oh say scratching yourself a lot you get a scratch you can do it scratch you're not in your own home your scratch well that's lovely oh it's great to scratch warm mom he said oh it's body contact like Wallace you actually make other members of your family scratch you Scott Scott's cuts there oh don't cover your mouth you're right she's sharing another you know when you talk a lot she actually gets members with you, isn't it? like that?, you're never going to scratch them, just in Donna Donna Oh, Oh, over and over again and yet in public we're not allowed to scratch, we're not allowed to contact our bodies, now you find yourself going to talk to him manager of your bank trying to borrow money in the middle of this discussion about interest rates little itch, you won't go, excuse me, I have an itch, I'm about to scratch it, it's okay, it's nothing dirty or dirty or having an itch. and that would be finished, don't do that, you sit there.

Mitch begins to reach into your pocket. At the same time, it looks like you're having a seizure. Your sign. I think ExcelIt actually looks like us. We have reached the end of the show, but I have one last element and the avenue leading from the banks of the River Avon or was a complete stage 2, now stage 3, circa 1500 BC. C., the bluestones were removed, the site was leveled and The large sarsen stones we still see were brought from the Marlborough Hills and erected as we see them today after having been in an outer circle with lintels and a compound horseshoe was erected by five pairs of studs with lintels and the entrance was made. modified well there you have it thanks for watching I hope you enjoyed it good night and may your God be with you