A Country Full Of Daves | Gabriel Iglesias

My favorite

country

away from home is Australia and I'll tell you why Australia, like us in the United States, has its list of priorities. You know, what's not on their list. Political correctness. They don't care about your feelings. It's like a

country

full

of Daves. Believe it or not, it's very comforting to be surrounded by such a large group of people who speak their minds so freely and if you know that before you go you'll have an amazing time, but if you don't and turning up it's a culture shock and a half. because I showed up and I didn't know that everyone says you have to see the beaches and I went to the beach.

There were people coming up to me, hey, someone help me get back in. The water, yeah, right there, big fella, look at you right there, oh, look, it's moving, it's moving, it's moving, oh, it's crying, it's crying, I bet it tastes like salsa, it's not bullying yeah everyone does it, yeah, that being said, I'm in Australia, Sydney, Australia. At the opera for me it was one of the most emblematic places in which I have had to perform. It was definitely a bucket list after the show. I wanted to hang out with some Aussies and see what that was like. in a pub first things first Australians don't drink Foster beer that's an American thing they don't drink that from there I tried to order one that fit it didn't go well the waiter looked at me hey, you like the taste of urine.

You're okay, don't ask that again, so I'm hanging out with these two Australians and we're drinking a rum called Bundy Berg. At first glance it looks like a coke bottle because there is a polar bear on the front and then you drink it. and you say that's not Coco while we're talking, a third Australian joined the conversation and he sounded a little different from the other two, he had a huskier voice, more like, okay, he sounded like a drunk pirate underwater. Two guys didn't like him so they insulted him and left and now it's just me and a drunk pirate talking about life in America, life in Australia, talking about our differences, he tells me he's a professional knife maker. . showing me how it's done, he's showing me pictures, we ended up drinking three bottles of this rum and drunk wasn't even the right word to describe our level, my tour manager Ryan comes up to me and says, Gabe, it's time to go .

I look at Ryan and think, but Ryan, I just made a friend and he makes knives and they're pretty. My tour manager always knows how to talk to me no matter what condition he finds me in, if I'm drunk, he knows. Better than talking to me as if I were an adult, he talks to me as if I were two years old, he looks at me and says, hey, but friend, you're hungry, listen, if we don't leave right now, they're going to close McDonald's and you're going to have to eat at the airport. I have a girl.

Oh. M you have to go you have to go don't worry and he's going to shake my hand and when he shook my hand he put his personal knife that he made in my hand as a gift that's for you Mike thank you for being nice thank you thank you I'm going to cut burgers with cheese with this Martin and I just got back from India yeah so let me tell you I started posting on Facebook and Twitter that we were going out to do these shows and then people started messaging me asking me what I was going to do in the first place.

Will they understand you in India? Will they understand English? Alright? Will they be able to follow your stories once we arrive? I got there and discovered that there are more people who speak English in India than in the entire US and Canada combined. You might as well throw Mexico in there for extra credit because there are so many people and yes, they have Internet, they got Internet. They got Bollywood, they got Hollywood, they understand American culture much more than we understand theirs, the second thing people tried to warn me about going there, Gabriel, be careful, India is a third world country, don't drink the water from the India, it contains parasites that will make you very sick don't eat street people's food especially street meat it contains a parasite that will make you very sick and most importantly there is a lot of crime there don't stay out late when the sun sets.

Go on, come down, I say, are they bad parasites? So let me get this straight, there's a lot of crime, don't stay out late, I don't need the street vendors' food and don't drink the water, why does that sound familiar? That's Mexico. When Martin and I got there, we discovered that Indians and Mexicans have a lot in common. I tell them it's crazy how similar we are, especially in food. very similar, for example, Mexicans love tortillas. Indians love non-bread, which is a fluffier form of tortilla. Mexicans love chicken. Indians love chicken. Mexicans love spicy. The Indians invented hot and spicy.

The most popular drink in Mexico is Fanta. The most popular drink in India is Fanta. Indians worship cows. Mexicans love barbecues. There are many similarities. Most of the people I met there were very hard-working and humble. I have to tell you that every time I talk to someone, they always greet me the same way they look at me. They put their hands together, made a little bow and said namaste, which is an endearing greeting, it's very pleasant and sweet, and then I realized that the Indians, when you talk to them, do this thing with their head, where it begins. move back and forth while talking now at first, when you notice it, you think, oh, he slept badly, he just got a sprained neck, he gets angry.

Pedic now when they start talking his head starts moving and I noticed this. The guy is checking us into the hotel and he's really cool. He tells us: listen, if you have a problem, he's fine, he calls the front. Press zero, we will send someone to your room to help you with whatever you need. We have it for you. Here it is good, very good, one thing I notice is that the more they talk and the more excited the Indians get, the more their heads start moving. Someone at the hotel yelled at the employee that he's fluffy and the guy was like, Oh my God! don't believe it I can do that I thought it was you I thought it was you oh my god I can't believe this is so crazy oh my god fluffy fluffy fluffy even crazier than that is that the mouth is actually connected to the neck when the mouth stops moving the head stops where the mouth stopped and when you see the Indians talking to each other you can see it well, let me tell you something, okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, okay, like you're Indian and you stutter you're so fucked up i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i someone stop it I'm not going to lie to you guys when I first saw this I thought it was hysterical I thought it was funny but then I started thinking about it the head movement is just a form of expression it doesn't matter Wherever you live in this world, people express themselves in their own unique way, be it through facial expressions, hand gestures, body movements, additional words wherever you go.

Things are different and this is how they are expressed in India now, back to all Indians. The Mexican thing is something else that we share with the head movement of the Indians. Now some of you in the building tonight are like stupid, we don't have nods, yeah we do, it's a little different. Look, with the Indians, the head movement is lateral. For Mexicans on the side, our head movement is from front to back, the difference is that with Mexicans we have to be very, very upset so that you can see the movement of the head, otherwise you can't tell with Indians , it's all the time, oh, today. a nice day it's such a beautiful day today I'm so happy it's very nice very good oh my God I can't believe it's so nice it's so aett us Mexicans when we're angry that's when it comes out for non-Latinos hey trust You cut a Mexican in traffic look what's going on that's funny I don't know why you blacks are laughing you guys take it all oh no you didn't oh hell no I know you ain't talking about me uh-uh I rang a bell I rang a bell I got dizzy doing it, so let me tell you guys, if you ever get a chance to travel to India, I encourage you to check it out, you will see some beautiful things that you will see.

You'll see some amazing things, some sad and depressing things, and some really horrible things in general. It's a well-balanced trip, but when you return home, here in the United States, you will appreciate your life completely differently. I think I guarantee it. Guys, there are a lot of people in India and with so many people there is a lot of traffic first, American traffic and Indian traffic are very different here, whatever happens on the highway, the entire highway in India will stop, there are 10 times more traffic, but it moves, look, the problem is Americans, we are fascinated by accidents, we are fascinated by the idea of ​​seeing a potential death, that's why we slow down on the highways, we say we don't want to see it, but what happens in the Traffic, you know what's happening.

There doesn't even have to be a collision over there, you could be on highway one1 and a car blows a tire and spins, doesn't hit anything, now it's facing oncoming traffic, you know what happens with the rest of the highway. even on the other highway where there is no accident and again what is happening what is happening sorry someone could be dead sorry in India if there is an accident in the middle of the road you know what they do , they turn around. They don't stop and it's not that they are not sensitive to the situation, it's just that there is a lot of chaos that happens on a regular basis, they just need to get to work, they see what is happening and believe me, their most sincere comments.

I know they will drive I am so sorry for you Nothing stops the flow of traffic in India, they need to get from point A to point B, that's why they go, go, if there is an accident, they drive if there is something blocking the road. get on the curb to turn it's amazing the way they drive and here's something else no one uses turn signals there no one uses turn signals they use a horn now if you go to India tomorrow from the moment you arrive to the moment when you go, you're going to constantly hear a horn, it's a real language when people drive.

I'll show you that you're driving a car on your right, a car on your left, turn on ahead, talk to each other while driving and we barely miss each other every time. Also, you will be on Highway 101 here and there will be six lanes. In India you will see six lanes, but guess what you will see. 12 crossover cars. Yes, they have lines, but they are there. They are basically there to let you know more or less the direction you want to go. They are very close to each other and even in light they communicate. You see everything: cars, trucks, vans, motorcycles, pedestrians, cows, children, all waiting for the light and talking. at the traffic light with the horn very well you can go you can go welcome you are welcome go nothing stops the flow of traffic over there the Indians drive think about the ants you know how ants travel in a straight line and if there is something in their like a rock the ants separate they go around the rock and reunite or climb the rock in the worst case they dig a hole and hide under the rock that is the mentality of driving in India a man can be shot in the middle of On the street people just look at each other, someone picks them up and they drag their ass to the sidewalk and if there's an accident and they need to move, guess what will happen to that guy on the sidewalk.

Nothing stops the flow of traffic in India. except a cow now I know we've always heard the story and jokes about oh, Indians don't eat hamburgers. I asked the question and discovered that cows are believed to be people who have died and been reincarnated and their new life is now the cow, which is why they don't eat them and give them all the love and respect in the world. There I saw this first and there's a cow crossing the street as we were driving and the cows know they're cocky they know they can cross the whole car and the cows over there all nice holding on no one honks at the cows no one yells at the cows no one touch the cows wait for the cows to finish crossing the cow we had went to bed the driver just turned off the car he started tweeting there is a cow in the middle of the street # momu I asked the driver what is happening I said there is a cow I see what there is a cow, are you going to honk at it? it's going around what's going to happen uh we can't uh we can't uh honey we should wait for the cow to move are you kidding me I'm not a child we should wait for the cow we walked past a dead body for 15 minutes It's probably him, seriously, the Driving situation there is so intense, guys, one morning while we were there, I needed to get to the airport quickly because I fell asleep, so I get in the taxi and give the driver a $50 bill and I leave, sir, I arrive very late.

I need to get to the airport as soon as possible, whatever side street I have to take or back road, I'm all for it, whatever I have to do, let's do it and I'll deliver it to you. the money and he's doing great let's go and take off the guy is speeding between 50 and 70 miles an hour on the street we're making amazing time I notice we're heading in the direction of a red light have you ever been in a car with someone and you're paying attention to what's happening and you notice that you're about to run a red light and you know how you start to mentally and physically prepare yourself for the car's deceleration and you start to anticipate the brake pressure and if you don't have the feeling of slow down at a certain point, all the alarms go off in your head and you hit the driver in the chestHey, not only did I not get the feeling of Slowing down I got the opposite, he shot it towards the light and it caught me off guard.

He couldn't even scream. I was like and then and then I took a breath. Hey, stop, stop, I didn't even know what he did. He tells me what's wrong what do you mean what's wrong friend you didn't see the red light as calmly as possible you didn't see that there was no one there you told me whatever you have to do is fine, whatever you have to do Do you want to scream or do you want to make it clear he made a good point he sounded like a third grader I want to make a plane seriously that's a video game I want to see I want to see Grand Theft Auto India It was crazy, guys, and it's just us there.

I haven't even gotten to the part where we act. We were in Mumbai, Bangalore and Delhi. Well, these three places are where we went to perform in Mumbai and Bangalore. The shows went very well. Okay, there were between 1,500 and 2,000 people, which is surprising to some who went there. I was excited, yeah, and then we got to Delhi and when we got to Delhi, you guys went a little crazy. Martin comes out on stage and the crowd recognized him and started chanting Martin every time they heard that. I think they know him. It's going to be a good show.

Then Martin starts making jokes. The crowd starts laughing. He makes more jokes. The crowd continues to laugh. Suddenly I hear this. ah ah ah ah ah Martin doesn't say a word to them, he gets off the stage, then the comedian comes out and then Martin comes up to me and says brother, I don't know what's going on, man, I don't know what's going on. Out there are these three guys in the front row. They're laughing like Klingons from Star Trek. I'm not going to address them. I'm going to save them for you. I thought, oh, thanks, so Martin comes out again. stage and he introduces me, ladies and gentlemen, Gabrielle Elias and then I ran out on stage and the crowd started singing fluffy, fluffy and I was like, woo, what's up?

Deli and I start making jokes, I start laughing, I start making more jokes, I start having more laughs and then it happened now, look at me, I can't help things, especially when it's front row center, so I tackled it. I came out and said well, hello. I said what do we have here. I said so where are you and the guy in it from? The media looks at me and says they are from Germany. I said great, we have Germans in the house and the whole crowd got very strange, you could hear them, they got scared because they thought I was going to start making fun of the German people and one. the boy even stood up don't do it don't do it don't do it I'm going to relax brother have a don't don't I'm not going to make fun of the German people that's the last thing I want to do is offend them.

I don't want to end up out in an alley somewhere going crazy in two hours. This is the last time they'll tell you not to make fun of Germans while I'm making this joke about a kicking German. Me on the floor with an accent this is where he goes crazy. He hits me with a bat on the side of the head. Listen to what I just told you, Bara. I get hit on the side of the head by a bat, not a major league bat. I'm talking about iak BL, in India there are millions and millions and millions of fruit bats and one of them, in fact, six of them managed to get into the building and they are flying and hanging from the rafters and one of them.

He decides to fly down and basically when he was doing the kicks I got in the Bat Fly line and he caught me right here. I think what the hell and I look up and you see him and you can hear him, the Indian. people saw that and they got scared they were screaming they did it they did it they told you not to do it they told you not to do it they're evil they're evil I'm like dude, I don't care how evil they are Do you think the problem is that they have no control about bats?

It wasn't like the guy got offended and was like "oh he really dropped a bat" so now the crowd is weird these guys are laughing ah ah ah ah and there are fucking bats flying around the theater the first two minutes of my show I have to do an hour and now I've lost the crowd they're going crazy these guys are laughing weird I'm nervous it's my first time there I don't know how to get out of this so I literally walked to the other side of the stage and started performing for this side of the room trying to redirect focus here and I'm so nervous I'm stuttering, I don't even have a transition.

It's like you know it's crazy in the United States, everyone in the United States likes to drink, you know, it's really crazy, like for example Mexicans, most Mexicans like to drink tequila, most black people like Hennessy, most white people like Jagger, here in India, you guys like it. Fanta and when I said Fanta the crowd went crazy because it was such a local reference that they got scared, they were like screaming oh my God he knows he knows they started singing, the roar was so big that it allowed me to restart my show so I started to make new sounds. jokes and more jokes and these jokes and those jokes 5 minutes pass 5 minutes pass suddenly the Germans were offended because I left them out of my drinking joke the one in the middle gets up and approaches a stage now this stage has to be approximately 5T tall the guy's head was that tall he was about 6'4 he looks at me and starts pointing and yells hey fat mate what about us, huh, what's up with the Germans, what the hell do they drink?

I was like, dude, that was like 5 minutes ago, people were giving you a chance, what should we drink? First of all, sir, I apologize, I am very nervous right now. I had no idea there would be Germans here tonight. yeah I felt like Poland, I don't care if you laugh or not, it's a clever joke, it's not my fault, some of you assholes fail at the story, you better Google it and find out why it's so funny . white people damn yeah anyway so I'm standing and I'm going to listen sir you need to sit down okay people are getting nervous you need to sit down so you can finish the show and the guy who's deny I will. don't you feel fat until you tell us what we drink I'm going to listen I don't know what you guys drink and the Indians are being so cute they're trying to help me they're yelling hey they like Fant too and the guy was like we don't like Fant , come on sir, please take a seat, I won't take a seat and you tell us what to drink, tell us F man, I'll listen sir, you need to sit down and you need to stop calling me a fat man.

Now it's starting to bother me, this is like the sixth time he's done it and not only did I lose 100 pounds to be called fat now, so I tell him, sir, if you don't have a seat, we're going to have a problem. especially if you call me fat again and he did, what are you going to do, fat man, what are we drinking? Even Martin, who is behind the curtain, knew that he knows when I'm at that point where I've crossed over, I can hear. him in the back, don't do it too late. Fluffy is angry, so I said: you want to know what you drink, tell me, don't ask me where this came from.

I got right in his face and said, juice blood, I see you automatically now. The guys gave me a completely different reaction at Deli, that was probably the most shocking thing ever said on that stage. So shocking that 2,000 people at the same time became so silent. You guys so quiet you could hear everyone's butts and I'm still standing. There my hands outstretched, have you ever said something that was so bad? I mean, you knew it was bad when it was coming out of your mouth and you're trying to stop it, but it's too late, it's already out and you're like, No.

And it's too late Jeice's blood is all over his face right I'm standing there with my hands out. I'm looking at him he's looking at me and I'm like oh he says that's good, yeah that's good, oh my God. Thank you, thank you, this doesn't end there. I tell everyone this is crazy, so the next morning, Martine and I are flying back home to Los Angeles from Delhi, taking an airline called British Airways, going from Delhi to London. England and we have a connecting flight there, once we arrived in England they canceled our connection for whatever reason so they rebooked us on another airline called Lansa, it is a German airline.

That's why I believe in karma, seriously. Martin is really jeice blood. It's like I knew I felt like they went ahead and took care of Fluffy, so I left my credit card. I made sure Martin and I were upgraded to at least their business class because it's like a long flight and so, We're there on the plane and the plane takes off about 20 minutes into the flight, we're sitting there, we're laughing and the flight attendant she starts walking down the hall with a small cart, okay she comes down the hall and sees. Me and her are going Hello sir, does she have a favorite drink today?

Martin looks at me. He taps me on the chest and says, hey, tell him, tell his brother, come on, ask for it if anyone has it, buddy, shut up and then she looks. in Martin sir, do you have a favorite drink and Martin says yes, do you have her blood? It's like Bloody Mary, yes, Bloody Mary. The damn machetta is going to prohibit me from flying, so we'll return home. I'm trying to tell you. the story for my girlfriend and my son and my girl she barely laughs she's like she's fed up she doesn't laugh at my jokes anymore my son Frankie on the other hand is dying and I say he's really 16 years old I'm really going, Frankie , you thought it was funny, he says, yeah, that's funny, I say, what was so funny about my story?

He says, those people you're talking about, I say who, the Indians, he goes, no, the others, I go, the Germans, he says, yeah, it's funny. I wonder what's so funny about the way Germans talk. He asks me what's so funny about the way they talk. He says: They sound like the three little pigs from the movie Shrek. I had to go to YouTube and find it, and sure enough. the three little pigs hello I was just waiting for one to get fat like the Saudis had an amazing sense of humor they laughed and behaved and I had no idea they were going to be like that and then after the show they gave me the chance meeting some locals and one guy was almost crying, he was so excited he came up to me and said I can't believe I'm standing here in front of you Mr.

Fluffy, well thank you please when you get back. to America or wherever you travel, let people know what you saw, okay, let them know that we're not all bad, we're not all those bad people on Fox News, okay, let them know because watch Fox News and Fox News believes everyone. in the Middle East it's bad everyone is a terrorist everyone has a bomb he has a homeless man he has a bomb he has a bomb The opera is here giving away bombs to everyone everyone has a bomb please let them know not to We are all bad people okay, we are not all terrorists my cousin maybe what I am joking hey Kitty hey Kitty look at your face look at your face oh I'm going to die look at you a plane what a plane I have you again two for two I have you he is raising my blood pressure every 7 seconds and then he starts explaining to me how comedy is starting to bring people together in the Middle East and how he's starting to know that he's doing comedy, it was crazy the conversation, you know, and him in the Arabia Saudi, people like to watch comedy because we love to laugh, okay, we love to laugh, it's great to laugh and people don't believe that people in the Middle East have a sense of humor, they see the videos they see.

TV they think we are the same they say oh half EAS and the people are angry look at their faces they are angry everyone is angry everyone is angry everyone is angry my friend we are not angry it is hot ok it is 117° everyone is not angry they are hot look everyone has a face hot, hot face, everyone hot face, I promise you will give me air conditioning. I'm so happy we're okay, we love to laugh. I've been doing the stupid comedy for about six months and I have some good jokes for Can I Try That?

Oh cool, okay, man, go ahead, okay, very nervous, very nervous, okay, here we go, here we go, two Jews walk into a bar that's not in my country, man, you're going to get me arrested the ass, brother.