31 minutes of best one-liners. Mock The Week Compilation by Gary Delaney - all 18 Wheel of news sets

uh the thing is health, the doctor told me to lose some weight, I said how he said not to eat anything fatty, I said what cakes, chips, that kind of thing, he said no, just don't eat anything, they kicked me out the weight watchers. for making sarcastic comments during the

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ly weigh-in, as you can imagine, I accepted the decision with great grace because she was also fired. He was recently given an obe to the dyslexic society chair and said: what's the point? I can't play that damn thing. I live next to a family of anorexic agrophobes, but they have some skeletons in the class.

A friend of mine has been suffering from paranoid delusions and now thinks he is a chocolate orange. He worries me about getting sectioned, poor Terry. I thought ppi was something you could get if you didn't wear goggles to swim in the bats. I bought an alcoholic ginger beer. I wasn't happy. I once met a girl who mistook Trooper Ky Jelly for superglue. I asked her how it happened, but unfortunately her lips fell out of her. They were sealed thank you I had a nightmare on the ride here and luckily that woke me up just before I hit a little boy the other day I lost control on a roundabout and then went completely crazy on the swings I stopped on a lawn nearby there was a sign that said do not throw, that was I was only having a wii, I joined a breakdown service for scousers, it's called aaa, calm down, calm down, they can't fix your car in an hour.

I'll steal a new one for you. The Paralympics taught us all that sometimes we have to stop and put ourselves in the shoes of people with disabilities and I have to say those parking spaces are great in the car. On the way here I kept hearing that annoying whining noise, so I stopped my girlfriend. I went out to take a look at the engine and left the other night. I saw a couple knitting all over the street. I said honestly: "Get a loom. I accidentally filled the escort with diesel. She died. And her relations are good.

It's good to be here last." The time I was here a girl asked me for sex. I had to let her down. We had sex. I'm trying to learn to be a more sensitive lover. I have a DVD on how to improve your foreplay technique. It was really good. I had to fast. Let's move on to the boring part at the beginning last night I had beef stew with dumplings. I shouldn't call her that, but she's a big girl. I went to see the stalactites in Cheddar Gorge and my guide asked us not to try to break one and she wasn't even that attractive she still managed it it was very dark this morning I went to a meeting at my premature ejaculation support group but it turns out that tomorrow I think some of the men started applauding before the end of that joke by the way my My girlfriend's dog died so to cheer myself up I bought an identical one she was furious What am I going to do with two dead dogs?

A friend of mine had a penis extension. Now his house looks really stupid. The theme is family. The names of the familiar old ladies have returned. in fashion at the moment like Lily or Elsie or Rose and we wanted something like that for our daughter but couldn't decide so in the end we just called her and told her that she would grow up. I remember one time my uncle asked me. I spelled sharden freud and I couldn't, but now he's dead and I'm not, so I win. My cousin always introduces himself as Stephen with a ph and that's because he's a little acidic.

My married friends always told me that there is someone out there to help. everyone and I think wow she must be right scum knock knock who's there grandpa stop the funeral brandon asked me how to print on his new computer I told him just control p he's never been able to do that for you my confirmed single uncle always describes himself as asexual but i would also add being gay when i was a kid i was always told that if i touched myself down there god was watching but it turned out it was just uncle peter the issue is animals i don't like to eat anything labeled as reformed ham i think it's unfair that pigs to be slaughtered after their lives returned to normal last night.

I had to be towed home because Ratty and Molly were too angry every time I see redheaded people turning gray. I always remember the sad situation. of our native squirrels I went to grandpa's house to walk his dog when he was leaving the house, he said, don't forget the poop bags, I said, "It's okay, grandma", my girlfriend likes cats, has fishy breath in a tray and disappears for days in I once tried swimming with dolphins once, but I didn't like it because I found them very clicky. Those who die without money are given a porpoise funeral.

I was munching on some monkey nuts the other day and now I'm banned from the zoo. Doctor Doctor I am addicted to fucking dogs have you tried patches what is a poodle? I went to the zoo to see the monkeys masturbate then I went to see the crocodiles and I was still masturbating the topic is celebrity celebrity they started a celebrity magazine for old man it's called hello hello hello yuri geller surprisingly hard to stab malcolm x chose that name in instead of admitting that he had accidentally put a kiss at the end of a text message he wouldn't watch walt disney on ice a little disappointing he's just an old man In a freezer, France's new president said this

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that English speakers were arrogant for refusing to learn foreign languages, at least I think that's what he said, but it all sounded naughty and remember that's not racist when it comes to the French.

He would give the Dalai Lama a fiver if he were a Tibetan man when they buried the man who invented Tetris, the whole cemetery disappeared and seven years in prison here. Abu Hamza could be deported to the United States, where he could face the electric chair. but on the plus side, if he gets electrocuted, at least he can just stick his bait in here and pretend to be a bumper car. The topic is technology, okay? Where are you going? The young couple next door recently made a sex tape, I mean, obviously. They don't know it yet, the hardest part of making skim milk must be dumping the cows across the lake.

The guy next to me at work used to watch porn all day. I'm glad he didn't infect me. I think if I tried revenge porn I would just post naked pictures of myself online to let everyone know how low my ex's standards were when answering the safety question birthplace apparently vagina is not an acceptable answer it's been a rough week I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now he's trying to blackmail me. I currently have a stalker, but you probably can't tell in these pants that a friend of mine was murdered by the big C.

He was passing Curry's and dropped the sign. his head was watching television and the announcer said that there is a documentary about the clitoris on the red button but I couldn't find it well, the topic is health where are you going I'm much sportier than I might seem, in fact, I caught a little discomfort at the gym the other day, I mean, Nigel pronounces it. I had a very stressful trip to get here today. This trucker was right up my ass, but he was very nice of him to give me a ride. I spent most of the time. afternoon hanging out in the bathrooms and then someone told me and I put it back in.

I gained a lot of weight recently so I called weight watchers. I said it's an emergency. Can you send someone? and they told me yes, we can. I have many of those. My grief counselor recently died, but luckily he was so good that I didn't care. I accidentally kicked the dog before. He bit me in the balls. My partner said it's karma. He said he didn't, if anything, he's even angrier. I asked the vet what. I can do it? I think my dog ​​is racist. He keeps barking at the Asian man next door and the vet said he is Muslim.

I told him I don't know, but he has to be there. I went to my grandmother and told her what have you been doing. To her he said grass in the garden I said well, at least you didn't do it. I was in the garden with my girlfriend earlier and we saw the 18 year old girl next door, all asleep, ready to go clubbing and my girlfriend said you. I know at that age I could really see myself in her, which was weird because I was thinking the exact same thing. Thank you so much. The issue is health, Gary.

Hernando's area between the front and back door is called the perineum. I like to judge my weight. because of my BMI, as long as I weigh less than a small airplane when I write a story about losing virginity, it's important to always put it in first person when people die and head towards the light, what they don't realize is that they have already done it. I have been reincarnated as a moth. I can count on one hand the number of chainsaw accidents I have had. I'm telling you, short people with umbrellas always catch my attention. The other day I was vacuuming in my pants and I thought to myself, how can I?

Are my balls full? I've been assisting Players Anonymous for three years, while my

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friend, Dave, only lasted two and a half years, so I won that one. I like to think that I'm a bit like Superman, for example. the other day i changed in a phone booth from a man who really needs a wii to a man who just peed the other day i got sick just one of the perks of working in the hospital the other day my girlfriend and i had good makeup sex , well, I mean she was out and I stuck lipstick on my eyes.

I don't like to eat anything that says reformed ham because I think it's unfair that pigs are slaughtered after their lives went back to normal the last time. They had to tow me home that night because Ratty and Moley were too angry every time I saw red-haired people turning gray. I always remember the sad situation of our native squirrels. I went with my grandparents to walk his dog when he left the house, he said. don't forget the poop bags, I was like, "she's fine grandma", my girlfriend likes cats, she has fish breath on a tray and disappears for days.

I tried swinging with dolphins once but I didn't like it because I found them very clicky dolphins who die without money are given a porpoise funeral the other day I was chewing on some monkey nuts and now I'm banned from the zoo doctor doctor I'm addicted to fuck dogs have you tried patches what is a poodle? I went to the zoo to see the monkeys masturbate then I went to see the crocodiles and I was still masturbating that actually looks like me and my girlfriend apparently in norfolk the marriage counseling service is called related my girlfriend says I'm not very romantic the other The day we kissed on the couch, she said: How about we take this to the bedroom?

I said, "Okay, you take the other extreme," when she suggested we try playing doctors and nurses. She was really hoping for something sexier than staying in a hallway. Two days, my girlfriend and I are trying to have a baby. Her mom agreed to help just to make me hard. He'll see that on TV too. They always say that you will find the love of your life when in reality you are not. looking, which was true, but by then she had already run over her. I have been trying to persuade my girlfriend to sexually stimulate me with her keychain.

She keeps fooling me when I heard you can now be a mail-in sperm donor. In a flash I went to a swingers club the doorman says it's 15 quid to get in or you can pay 20 quid which includes a meal I paid 20 quid I went in this oiled naked guy comes up to me because hello my name is Emil one time I had an affair one night and I didn't have an erection, that's not right. Fortunately, the woman I was with was really understanding. She just said, "Don't worry, that has to happen to me." Thank you and someone's education once in school.

I lost my thesaurus, I couldn't find the words to describe how upset I was. I remember sitting in a psychology class learning about Pavlov thinking there were no stupid dogs and then the bell rang and we all had lunch. I'm sitting at home, this guy knocks on my door. Have you ever considered an alternative energy provider? No, I'm very happy with the food. It will be a difficult job going door to door encouraging people to photosynthesize. I can explain to you in a few words the main cause of anaphylactic shock. I have the memory of an elephant.

I remember one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant. My grandmother recently claimed that she once gave Albert Einstein a handjob. What a genius of a scrumper, technically stealing from an Apple store only counts as scrumping. The sex ed lessons at our school were pretty weird, the teacher made us shout dirty words to get it out of our system like bum Willie Cox and we had to keep doing it until he arrived. The issue is nationalities where you are going. My next door neighbor is very noisy. and unpleasant so now I know how Canada feels I bought some lamb chops in the package that said raised in Wales I thought it was just a racist stereotype this morning I made a Belgian waffle in the afternoon I made a Frenchman talk nonsense in Scotland the forbidden The fruit is fruit when England played Poland at Wembley there were 30,000 Polish fans in the crowd and I thought I would play fair to them if I had built it.

I'd also like to take a look. I would like to annoy my Israeli. Roommate giving themany publication that is directed to the occupant. I was in an Italian zoo with a Christian friend of mine, so I thought that when I was in Rome and I pushed him towards the lions, Nan was going to that suicide clinic in Switzerland, but don't tell her. It's a surprise that a Zulu killed my grandfather. He was playing snail with a whip and the ceiling collapsed and the topic is relationships. The other day a woman described me as a bit sexy, while voyeur was the actual job she used and I used. dating a skydiver with ibs but she shit on me from a big house one time I almost had a threesome with my girlfriend and my

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friend and the only thing that kept it from happening was that they didn't invite me, my girlfriend said she wanted to try some new condoms with something special inside to increase your pleasure.

I said, "Oh, what is that?" She said other men, our fourth child was called Ivy and that's because we ran out of names and started using Roman numerals. My last girlfriend was always trying to put me down, which is just one of the dangers of dating a vet. I tried to read a book about premature ejaculation but couldn't get past the first passage this Christmas, I'll take the whole family. to Lapland, which is great because usually those clubs don't let kids in. I always worry that when a woman sees me naked for the first time she will scream and run out of the park.

My girlfriend and I love watching series. We have three episodes. Orange is the new black before discovering it wasn't about what would happen if Trump replaced Obama. The theme is childhood when I was a child. They forced me to walk on the plank. We couldn't afford a dog. My six year old son refuses to eat. anything other than alpha betty spaghetti luckily he is dyslexic so I buy him regular spaghetti which seems to work. Dad's raw elves. Yes, Welsh. I bought him some medication for his ADHD on the side of the bottle. He said concentrated. I thought if I could do that, I bought it. a really nice 12 year old scotch obviously his parents weren't happy I hate people who complain about breastfeeding in public I don't want to see it or that's gross or you can't do that you're not a woman and that's not When we were babies, we always enjoyed dunking ginger nuts in a steaming cup of tea but of course nowadays that's called bullying you shouldn't do that by the way ginger jokes are the last vestiges of racism and comedy and they started a pride movement of ginger.

To put an end to that, they held a march in Hyde Park, the little guru where the sun rose. Nan always said that when she was young she never had to worry about leaving the back door open, what a scumbag, I'm going to get in trouble with the family again, this really isn't worth it, you have to take care of your health as you get older the another day I pooped and noticed there was a little blood in it, I said oh hey broth get out of my bath thanks well done guys. Are relationships good, how are you?

She used to suffer from premature ejaculation, which made me feel selfish and bad for my girlfriend, so she suggested that she try this special cream that reduces sensitivity and it really worked because now I don't give a damn. I bought a vegan friend a fancy cookbook, unfortunately he said he couldn't accept his. It was bound in leather, which meant it was too heavy to lift when I was a teenager. My mom always said your bedroom is so messy you'll never make it. Any girl worth her salt would come back here, but luckily they weren't the ones I went to after I saw the director's cut of a porn movie, in the end he actually fixes the washing machine.

He was in a sex shop. I saw a description of a dildo. about nine inches long and realistic I thought well, what's the Archbishop of Canterbury recently said that he couldn't support gay marriage without first having a mandate? Honestly, if he's that upset, I'll go out with him once at a party. I threw my car keys into a big bowl and everyone stared at me and the whole thing was ruined. The other day I was watching a really weird porn movie that was just a fat man crying and masturbating at the same time and then I realized I hadn't turned the key.

The TV is fine, the issue is work. I almost lost my job as a roofer when I got caught masturbating on my first day. Luckily, my boss said he could wipe the slate clean. He used to work at Waterstones. One day a guy came in and asked me if we had any audiobooks with subtitles, I thought, wait, that's a book. The circus near me held a contest to find the best contortionist scientist and my old job won. I used to press buttons all day and that's why I'm not allowed to work anymore. In Panto I have two lawyers working for me at the moment, one is pro bono and the other is quite pretentious when my grandfather was caught trying to stow away in the merchant navy, he offered to work for his ticket, which, as You can imagine, it made him very popular, I hate people who called me just to complain about the weather, that's why I lost my job in mountain rescue.

The other day I was at a station that had a piano on the platform, so I made a little jingle, which saved me 30p. I went to a positive thinking course. I bought an advent calendar from Microsoft. You have opened too many windows at once. They all went off again for no damn reason. Thank you. The issue is buying. Hey, where are you going? I bought a slimming pill. magazine in w.h schmitz i didn't read it i just wanted a big rod a galaxy for a pound i bought some fancy pens in a nudist art shop no felt tips, but i touched a couple of balls i was in a lingerie shop a set of these panties were They sat down he said no, they are new I want to buy a Christmas tree the guy said you are going to put it up yourself I said now I was thinking about the living room I bought a chameleon I lost it why when women go to the bathroom in pairs no one cares It doesn't matter but when I did it they kicked me out of the grocery store I got into a fight with my acupuncturist and I stabbed him he said he had never felt better according to the vet my cat is in heat I don't I don't even know she was famous.

A friend of mine goes on and on about how great her orthopedic shoe is, but I think he's improved it too much. I bought an advent calendar for Jehovah's Witnesses, but at every door someone tells you to leave, thank you because. When I was a kid I didn't know what to get my niece for Christmas so I asked my sister what she liked and apparently right now she's mad about frozen things so I bought some chips and peas every Christmas day, we would always have pigs. blankets or whatever you probably call them relatives sleeping in the guest room winnie the pooh possibly the most vengeful chapter in nelson mandela's autobiography it was only after i shot the fifth zombie that i started wondering why everyone was carrying bags of candy and calling at my doorbell I've been trying to recapture my lost youth I really should fix the basement door one time when your son I bought a chocolate bar the inside of the wrapper said you're a loser I wouldn't care if there had been there was some kind of competition for To make things worse, it was an impulse as a family, we couldn't decide whether to bury or cremate nana, so in the end we let her live, my 13 year old cousins ​​already started taking heroin, it's incredible, right?

They shoot so fast these days