Donald Trump vs. Hillary Clinton Town Hall Debate Cold Open - SNL

HELLO AND WELCOME TO THE SECOND AND WORST PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE. I'M MARTHA RADDATZ. AND I AM ANDERSON COOPER. AND BEFORE WE START, WE JUST NEED TO DO ONE LAST THING. MUCH BETTER. NOW LET'S START THIS NIGHTMARE. PLEASE HELP US WELCOME CANDIDATES. REPUBLICAN NOMINEE DONALD TRUMP AND... CAN WE STILL SAY THIS? PROBABLY GOOD. -- PRESIDENT HILLARY CLINTON. ♪ ♪ THANK YOU. THANK YOU BOTH FOR BEING HERE. THANK YOU. I WOULD LIKE TO START TRYING A CASUAL LEAN. I UNDERSTAND! MARTHA, TONIGHT I'M GOING TO DO THREE THINGS. I'm going to huff, I'm going to huff and I'm going to ruin this whole thing.

NOW TONIGHT'S DEBATE IS A TOWN HALL, WHICH MEANS WE WILL ANSWER QUESTIONS FROM VOTERS AT THE HEARING. THEY ARE UNDECIDED, UNCOMMITTED AND NOT REMOTELY CAMERA READY. SECRETARY CLINTON, WE START WITH YOU. YOUR QUESTION COMES FROM PATRICE BROCK. HELLO. MY QUESTION IS: DO YOU FEEL THAT YOU ARE MODELING APPROPRIATE AND POSITIVE BEHAVIOR FOR TODAY'S YOUNG PEOPLE? HELLO, PATRICIA. LET ME START BY WALKING TOWARDS YOU, JUST LIKE I PRACTICED. RIGHT LEFT, RIGHT LEFT, RIGHT LEFT, LOOK, TALK. WELL. ARE YOU A TEACHER NOW? NO. DO YOU HAVE CHILDREN? NO. DO YOU LIKE CHILDREN? NO. HAVE YOU SEEN CHILDREN? YES.

GREAT. Well, we are now joining. MY FRIEND PATRICE, I TRY TO BE A POSITIVE MODEL FOR ALL CHILDREN. CHILDREN LIKE MY DAUGHTER CHELSEA AND MY GRANDDAUGHTER CHELSEA JR. MR. TRUMP, SAME QUESTION. DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ARE MODELING APPROPRIATE AND POSITIVE BEHAVIOR FOR TODAY'S YOUNG PEOPLE? NO. NEXT. SO YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT CHILDREN? ANDERSON, I LOVE CHILDREN. Okay, I love them so much that I'm marrying them. I HAVE BEEN HELPING CHILDREN ALL MY LIFE. IN 1992, I HELPED A BOY NAMED KEVIN McALLISTER FIND THE LOBBY OF A HOTEL. REMEMBER THE DOCUMENTARY “HOME ALONE II, LOST IN NEW YORK”.

WELL, CONTINUE, MR. TRUMP, WE RECEIVED MANY QUESTIONS ONLINE ABOUT THE AUDIO TAPE THAT WAS RELEASED LAST WEEK IN WHICH YOU BRAG ABOUT SEXUALLY ASSAULTING WOMEN. LISTEN, WHAT I SAID IS NOTHING COMPARED TO WHAT BILL CLINTON HAS DONE. WELL? HE HAS ABUSED WOMEN. AND MARTHA, ANDERSON, HOLD ON TO YOUR EARRINGS AND YOUR NUTS, BECAUSE FOUR OF THESE WOMEN ARE HERE TONIGHT. FOUR OF THEM. WAIT, SORRY. WHO IS HERE? LOVERS? BILL, HOW COULD YOU? OH HOW DO I CONTINUE THIS DEBATE? NOW I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO REMEMBER MY FACTS AND FIGURES. OH, DONALD, NO! GET REAL, I MADE A THEFT.

THIS IS NOTHING. HELLO GIRLS. MARTHA, YOU WANT TO SILENCE THESE WOMEN, BUT THEY NEED TO BE RESPECTED AND THEY NEED THEIR VOICES TO BE HEARD. AND THE WOMEN WHO ACCUSE YOU OF SEXUAL ASSAULT? THEY NEED TO SHUT UP. VERY GOOD, LET'S MOVE ON. OUR NEXT QUESTION IS FROM KEN CARPOWICZ. THANK YOU. I HAVE A BORING ONE. THE AFFORDABLE CARE ACT IS NOT AFFORDABLE. WHAT WILL YOU DO TO REDUCE COSTS AND IMPROVE COVERAGE? WELL, KEN, THAT'S A REALLY GREAT QUESTION. I AGREE THAT OBAMACARE CAN BE PASSED, KEN. BUT, LORD, IT HAS ITS BENEFITS. AND NUMBER ONE, INSURANCE COMPANIES CANNOT DENY YOU COVERAGE DUE TO A PRE-EXISTING CONDITION.

NUMBER TWO, WHICH IS VERY IMPORTANT IF YOU HAVE SERIOUS HEALTH PROBLEMS. AND NUMBER THREE: SORRY. I THOUGHT THAT I... AND NUMBER THREE, WOMEN CAN'T BE CHARGED MORE THAN MEN. I thought women can't be charged more than men for health insurance. AND NUMBER FOUR -- WELL, LET'S ASK ANOTHER QUESTION, THIS ONE COMES FROM JAMES CARTER. GOOD AFTERNOON, MR. TRIUMPH. OH, NO. MY QUESTION IS, DO YOU THINK YOU CAN BE A PRESIDENT DEDICATED TO ALL PEOPLE? THAT'S A GREAT QUESTION, DENZEL. THANK YOU FOR THIS QUESTION ABOUT THE INTERIOR CITIES. MY NAME IS JAMES AND I DON'T ASK ANYTHING ABOUT INLAND CITIES.

DOWNTOWN CITIES ARE A MESS, OKAY. Last month I was in Detroit and everywhere I looked there were violent, crazy people, many of them had guns and were shouting horrible things like "TRUMP FOR PRESIDENT." I THINK YOU WERE AT ONE OF YOUR OWN RETAILS. MARTHA, THIS BLACK GIRL IS ATTACKING ME. ALSO, SPEAKING OF BLACK MEN, DO YOU KNOW WHO ELSE SHOULD BE JAILED? HILLARY CLINTON. HE HAS COMMITTED SO MANY CRIMES. SHE IS BASICALLY BLACK. SECRETARY CLINTON, DO YOU WANT TO RESPOND TO THAT? NO, I'M FINE. BECAUSE AS MY BEST FRIEND MICHELLE OBAMA ONCE SAID, WHEN THEY GO DOWN, YOU GO UP!

GOD I LOVE THAT QUOTE. ALMOST AS MEMORABLE AS WHEN I SAID "FAKE ECONOMY, TRICKLE DOWN." JUST A COUPLE OF EQUALLY FAMOUS QUOTES FROM A COUPLE OF EQUALLY LOVELY WOMEN. WELL, AND NOW THAT EVERYONE HAS BEEN SO GOOD, IT'S TIME FOR A SPECIAL GIFT. THAT'S CORRECT. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JOIN YOUR HANDS, FOR THE ONE, MR. BONE KEN. ♪ ♪ ARE YOU ALL READY FOR THIS ♪ ♪ ♪ OH MY GOD, THIS IS SO CUTE. I REALLY NEEDED IT RIGHT NOW. NOW, WAIT, KEN, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE A LITTLE WEIRD OR ANYTHING, ARE YOU? MAYBE. GOD, WE CAN'T HAVE ANYTHING GOOD. OH, GOOD.

WELL, WE HAVE TIME FOR ONE LAST QUESTION, AND IT COMES FROM CARL BECKER. GOOD AFTERNOON, MY QUESTION IS FOR HILLARY. TONIGHT DONALD TRUMP SAID YOU SHOULD BE IN JAIL, HE SAID YOU HAVE HATE IN YOUR HEART AND I FOLLOWED YOU AROUND THE STAGE LIKE A SHARK. THEN MY QUESTION, WHAT DO YOU LIKE ABOUT HIM? WELL, THIS ONE IS REALLY EASY. DONALD TRUMP AND I DON'T AGREE ON ALMOST EVERYTHING, BUT I LIKE HOW GENEROUS HE IS. LAST FRIDAY HE GIVEN ME THIS CHOICE. MR. TRUMP, IS SOMETHING YOU LIKE ABOUT SECRETARY CLINTON? I LIKE THAT SHE IS A FIGHTER AND DOESN'T GIVE UP, THAT'S WHY I NEED ALL MY FOLLOWERS TO GO OUT AND VOTE ON ELECTION DAY.

MARK YOUR CALENDARS, WRITE IT DOWN, HERE IS THE DATE, IT'S NOVEMBER 35TH. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!