Dave Chappelle Full Stand Up ☆ || Equa•nimity ||☆ Everything I Say Upsets Somebody

You know, when I was a kid, I was probably about eight years old and at the time we lived in Silver Spring, yeah, a common misconception about me in DC, a lot of people think I'm from the hood, that's not true, but I never bothered to do it. correct anyone because I wanted the streets to embrace me, in fact, I followed it as a ruse, like sometimes I hang out with rappers like gnaws and they and they start talking about the projects, it was wild in my pajamas, me and me. It would be like a word job, but I don't know, I have no idea that my parents did well enough that I could grow up poor with white people and to be honest, when nas and they talk about the projects, I used to get jealous because It sounded funny, everyone in the projects was poor and that's fair, but if you were pouring Silver Spring, it seemed like it was only happening to you.

I know the pain of that first sleepover at a white friend's house when you come home on Sunday and just look at your parents like you need to up your game. Everything in Timmy's house works. Remember the first time you wore that in a cold winter and being at a white friend's house and seeing him in his living room without coats. He was one of my first white friends like in my life, good friend, he also moved to Silver Spring from Utah of all places. I guess his family was affiliated with that Mormon church they had there and he and I used to hang out one day.

He was at his house, we were hanging out and Timmy says Dave, why don't you stay for dinner tonight? I told him, oh man, I would love to, but I can't, if I don't get home before dark my mother will kill me. that was a lot my mother had several jobs I hadn't seen her for like three or four days at that point in my life it was my experience that the white dinner wasn't delicious I'd rather go home and fry some bologna or something like that but then the old man Timmy threw me a curveball I wasn't expecting, he said, "Oh, it's a shame you can't stay, Dave, because mom, uh, made stuffing for the stove, I said what's the stove, wait, let me make some very phone calls." fast".

I had seen that commercial so many times that I had dreamed of getting my hands on some of that stove filler and finally met someone who actually had a box of stoves in the house. I couldn't miss this opportunity so I pretended to call my mother. and then I came back and said timmy timmy you won't believe this great news mom said I can stay he said fantastic he said why don't you come with me and we will help set the table and then we can say the blessing. I had no interest in setting this son of a bitch's table or saying these crazy Mormon prayers.

I just wanted that damn stuffing out of my hands first. My plan was simple, wash my hands slowly and when I'm done, the table will be set. say the blessing and the only thing left to do is eat I went to the bathroom I washed my hands very slowly I must have been there for about 10 minutes and suddenly one of his mothers came to the door she was like hello David right I said yes ma'am she said timmy tells me are you planning on staying for dinner I said I hope that's not a problem ma'am she says no, no problem in fact we'd love to have you it's just that we weren't expecting company and I'm afraid there isn't enough padding in the stove for everyone, so I kicked it in the bam, ladies and gentlemen, I told you I'm stupid, I told you what I was going to say and you still did it. "I don't see it coming and that's why I make a lot of money, oh my gosh, but there's a bigger reason why I would stop doing comedy right now and this reason is the real reason that's been leaking and it really is the crowd." , not you".

I'm talking about the crowd on the big stage, it's too difficult to entertain a country whose ears are so fragile and so sensitive that the whole country becomes an idiot. Everything you say bothers someone. You know, I can remember when it all started. Was when. I was doing the Chappelle show when I was doing the Chappelle show I just do the show and then on the weekends I like concerts and like that so I'm doing a concert and there was a couple in the front row. Beautiful couple, the wife is a wife. obviously asian, you can see it in his face, the husband, this was mysterious to say the least, couldn't pinpoint where he was from, caramel colored guy, very pretty hair, but he could have been from anywhere in bangladesh, mexico, can't guess it with a So, all I knew for sure about this guy is that his wife was one.

I could see that in his face too. No, he was laughing and having a good time and she was scowling at me on a damn comedy show. I couldn't under

stand

it. and then at some point I realized that she was pregnant and I was smoking on stage. I said "OMG, that's probably why she's mad" so I started to put out my cigarette, but then she hit me with one of those fake non-smoking calls. I kept smoking, I thought to myself baby it would be okay, relax and I tried to break the tension, I just asked her, that's it, I said, hey, where are you guys from, anyway, and I realized she was with me , she goes very.

Condescendingly she says I'm from California if you ask me my ethnicity I'm Chinese he was like a Mexican brother I told him well I'm sorry if I offended you by asking but they are a very beautiful couple and young lady there is no doubt about that. You are going to give birth to the hardest working baby this world has ever seen. That's not a bad joke. She got very upset. She got up to leave immediately, but she didn't just leave. She had to give me one last hint along the way. I will never buy one of her DVD again, Dave Chappelle, I said ma'am, with all due respect, Chinese people don't buy DVDs and the crowd went crazy, we were all laughing, having a good time, I didn't even think about anything. and then just three days later, this lady sends a letter to my promoter telling her not to hire me for shows anymore because I was racist, uh, and I'm citing her as insensitive to the nature of my interracial marriage.

I was like a word. It was and she would know that I am in an interracial marriage, that's true, in fact my wife is Asian very surprised, I will see you at thanksgiving, but my wife is not Chinese, she is Filipino, that's right, that's right, and our children are Puerto Rican in some way. There you go, I don't give a damn about interracial, in fact you know my mom is half white, a lot of people don't know that right, you were too excited, but well, a lot of people don't believe me when I say that, but it's true , you can't tell by looking at me, but if I let my hair grow, you'd think I was at a Cat Williams concert, my shoes, my shoes, they're beautiful, they're just taking it too far, I don't know why or how.

I got so emotional, you know, who hates me more, the transgender community, you know, yeah, these, I mean, I didn't realize how bad they were. I was really mad about the latest Netflix special, it's tough, man, I don't know what to do. about this because because I like them, I've never had a problem, you know, in fact, I think I make fun of everyone and I mean there's a group of people that have to admit it's kind of funny, man. Sorry bro, it's like I've never seen someone in such a funny situation without having a sense of humor about how they're born feeling like there's something different than what they're born with and that's kind of funny, you know, I mean, it's funny if it's not happening to you it's like that white black that's on the news all the time rachel dozer he's a white woman but then she dressed like a shot to the top of blackness and i always wanted to meet her just so i could under

stand

that I just wanted to have dinner with her so I could look her in the eyes and call her face.

It's just that talking about I identify as black, that is, talking about trans, lady, stop biting, stop biting, is a big difference between her and the difference between her trans people is that I think that transgender people don't understand them either, but I know that they want say what they say and then they just cut off their dicks, that's all the proof I need. I've never seen someone just pull their dick out of her. I don't need it, I don't understand it, but I believe you and support your decision. How far is Rachel willing to go?

What is Rachel willing to do so that we black people can believe that she believes that she is actually one of us? Are you willing to do it? put a lien on your house invest in a mixtape that probably won't work she didn't even change her name she didn't even change her name her name is rachel i can't believe that name if you want my support you'll have to change your name to the blackest one i've ever heard but you will have to change your name to Draymond Green. I don't know a name blacker than that.

This is black on paper if you write Draymond Green. that ship's airbnb will automatically log you out people get mad bro people get mad at

everything

i say i was doing a show i was in portland oregon and they checked me into a hotel under the name charles edward cheese i came back and there was uh a Tenga Keep in mind that it was like a letter on my desk and it was addressed to Mr. Cheats, so obviously I'm going to assume that whoever wrote this letter must be a close friend of mine, not some kind of name that a person would just guess, but then I open the letter and it turns out that I don't know this person at all.

It's a letter from a fan. You know, I'm not even used to the idea that I have fans, but I'm grateful for it and, and even though... I'm grateful for the fans. I don't read those letters. It would be nice if I did, but really it's like with my Santa Claus. I do not have time for this. I want to do it. I'm trying to relax. Read all these dreams and wishes. from strangers, but I read it, I had already opened it, so I read the whole letter and you know, the man who wrote this letter really loves me, I mean, they were very kind in the letter and then they described to me what it was.

It was like coming on the show, how excited they were, how much fun they were having and then they said when I got to my jokes about transgender people, they were devastated because it turns out that whoever wrote the letter was transgender, now I'm going to be real for for a second I can't understand I never feel bad about anything I say here and I would never admit it if I hadn't blocked their phones but it was the strangest thing when I read this letter. this made me feel bad, I didn't feel bad about what I said, you understand, I felt bad that I made someone else feel bad, to be honest I don't even know what I said that upset that person, I have so many transgender jobs, but I feel like it was probably this joke that I'm about to tell you right now and it's not even that bad of a joke, it's a real joke, I mean, it's not true, but I had read in the paper that Caitlyn Jenner was contemplating posing naked in a next issue of Sports Illustrator and I know it's not politically correct to say these things so I thought about it, I'll say it for everyone else, that sucks, sometimes I just want to read some stats, I don't know why I'm going to put a man in middle of the sports page like this.

I just didn't think that was the place for it, but I wasn't saying anything like Kate and Jenna are a bad person. I'm not mad at her for doing it. I'm not even mad I'm supposed to illustrate it if I'm mad at someone I'm probably just mad at myself you understand stay down I know I'm not strong enough not to look at those pictures and I don't think I'm ready to see what she's dealing with to show me, so Caitlin. Damn, if you go through with this, you better buckle up and go home. I want you to go all the way con artist style.

Do you know what rushed style means? Miss, that means opening your lips, how she opens her lips on this little dick inside the show, she's behind the curtains, I don't know what I said that upset that person, but I'll tell you something when I read that letter. and the moments after reading it I did something that many black men in America don't have the time or money to do I thought about how I was feeling I asked myself a very basic question that I don't think I had ever directly contemplated I said Man Dave, if you're writing all of them these jokes, do you have a problem with transgender people?

And the answer is absolutely not. Do you think I am? I don't understand all the decisions people make, but I do understand that life is hard. and that those types of choices do not disqualify you from a life with dignity, happiness and security, but if I'm honest, my problem has never been with transgender people, my problem is transgender people, I just feel that these things should not be discussed. in front of black people all this talk about how these people feel inside is insulting, since when does America care about how we feel inside? And I can't shake this horrible suspicion that the only reason everyone talks about transgender is because white men want to do it, that's right, I just said that if it were only women who felt that way or black and Mexican guys to say, "Hey, we all feel like girls inside, they'd say shut up, no one asks you how you feel, come on." We all have strawberries to pick reeks of white privilege, you never wonder why it was easier for bruce jenner to change gender than it was for cassius clay to change his name and if I had to be brutally honest, the only reason I ever got angry at the transgender community is because I was at it with six songs in a row I had no idea and then the lights came onof making us believe that the extremities between us are the rules we can disagree with, that's fine and most of us keep a cool head about it.

You know what I mean? Americans generally respect the beliefs of others, even if they do not share them. beliefs, I know, I respect everyone's beliefs, except the Amish, because they are the only ones I can clearly say that their god is wrong. The speed limit is 75 miles per hour in Ohio and one lane of traffic has errors. Their god is ridiculous, all the Amish. The people around me also know me, not from the TV, they obviously know me from the streets because when I see them riding carts I will stop the Porsche and talk to him ezekiel ezekiel are you sure god doesn't want you to have any of this technology or this energy eh eh I can't hear you?

Let me turn off this air conditioner, what did you say? And then say: Get away from me. He tried to tempt me like the devil. Devil. No brother. I'm trying to put you in the game. Zeke, it's a big world here. I just did 25 miles in 30 minutes. That's a day trip for you. You don't even know what the weather will be like tomorrow. I know? You don't even know there's a valuable Pokémon right here. I'm going, uh, oh, my vaporizer. pen, you want to hit my vape pen, oh sorry I'm trying not to get herpes, the bad thing, I've been playing cat and mouse with herpes for 30 years, but every night I go to the club, tonight I'll say that no, herpes.

No disrespect, I'm not saying you have herpes, I'm just saying one in five people do, so let's be careful with this, make sure we come out with the lips we came in with. Sometimes I think the media is harsh on Trump because I see that they get picked on, so I don't think it's bad, and they called Donald Trump out for not staying in the White House long enough, he was rich, he used to be in a gold bath, it's true, no. I do. I know if you've ever been to the White House, it seems like a really nice place to work, but I wouldn't want to live in that Scooby-Doo house either.

That looks scary. Imagine you are trying to masturbate. stay there or he was rich too he was like that i'm going to my ranch in texas obama was the first to move to the white house that's a nice place look at this rug the media criticized him for putting jared kushner in his cabinet and i didn't think that that was the worst thing he had ever done and it was still early and I mean it's not unprecedented, Kennedy was right as his brother's attorney general and to be honest, a stranger to Washington, he probably would. Same thing and in fact, do you think I'm going to a Hollywood meeting alone with all those white people?

I bring my mac mittens from the street. I don't even know his real name. Everyone calls him mac mittens, but i know. He's not qualified to even listen to these meetings, but this just makes me feel good and all the white people look at me like Dave. Would you mind asking your friend Mac Mittens to excuse us so we can talk business? I say that. you say he listens to the whole meeting when they're done talking, I just look at Mac Mittens and if he gives me the signal outside the papers, it's a gut test, well how about this one?

Remember when it was the day after the election and the president of Taiwan called Donald Trump to congratulate him and Donald Trump, you know, of course, took the call and spoke to the president of Taiwan. The problem was that Taiwan does not have a president. The United States operates under what they call a one-China policy. and Taiwan is a renegade province of said China and Donald Trump didn't know it and he picked up the phone and started blabbering and the media ate his ass and I'm not going to lie, I was laughing like I was saying, oh, what a fool. is in trouble and then that night I was in bed falling asleep and then I had to admit it to myself, I didn't know it either and then I realized that the media got the story wrong, that wasn't the story. donald trump took the call no one told donald trump not to take the call it's terrifying damn you don't have mac gloves on your team it wasn't like they were calling the white house they were calling the switch guy to succeed over the towers and they were contacting someone mr president there is a ricky ticky tabby on the phone for you yes put him in touch hi hi ricky ticky good to talk to mr president there is a john jacob jingleheimer smith on the phone his name is my name too put him in touch hello hello john jacob let's talk business how many people in this room are not originally from the united states my round of applause where are you from brother are you there you are from iraq i was present how long have you been here in the country 23 years are you a citizen and Are you still?

Congratulations, congratulations, welcome to this great land. You know, I'm going to give you a history lesson because I'm sure this wasn't on your entrance exam, but every naturalized American has heard something about what I. I'm about to tell you about a photo from the early 1950s in the United States. This 14-year-old boy goes from Chicago to Mississippi to meet his family for the first time. He had never been to Mississippi and before he left, his mother said. He very pointedly told him that if a white man looks you in the eyes in Mississippi, look away and I don't know what you know about black people in Chicago, but they are not scared people, legend says that he was in front of a convenience store. hanging convenience a woman came out of the store and he thought she was pretty and said goodbye baby not realizing he had just made a fatal mistake four days later four days later a group of adult white men broke into this family's home and snatched a 14 year old boy out of bed in front of his family who couldn't stop them and was never seen alive again his name was emmett until they found his body maybe a few days later he was in a creek tied to a wheel so he would sink horribly beaten and swollen.

Scary and lucky for everyone in America. His mother was a gangster. She was she. If you can imagine, in the middle of a mother's worst nightmare, this woman had the foresight to think of everyone. she said the world needs to see what they did to my baby and every publication here in the United States had this child's horribly bloated body on their cover and if our civil rights movement was a car, this corpse kid was premium gas, this was very Defining moment in American history when every thinking and feeling person thinks we have to do better than this and they fought wonder

full

y and here we all are and the reason I mention that tonight and why it's relevant now is because less than a year.

Recently, the woman he allegedly whistled at admitted on her deathbed that she lied in her court testimony and you can imagine when we read that we were like, oh, you lying idiot, I was furious, but that was my initial reaction and the initial reactions we all learned. As we age, they are often incorrect or, more often, incomplete. They call this phenomenon being too close to an elephant. The analogy is that if you stand too close to an elephant you can't see it, all you see is its penis-like skin and I took a better look and as I stepped back and thought about it for a few moments I realized It must have been very difficult for this woman to tell a truly atrocious dead person about herself at any point in her life, even the end, and I was GRATEFUL that she had the courage to say it before she left this world because it is an important truth. and we needed to know it and I said to myself, well, thank you for telling the truth, liar, and then time passes and then, in time, you can.

It's like seeing the whole elephant and it's humbling because you realize that this woman lied and that lie caused the murder, but that murder set in motion a sequence of events that made my wonderful life possible that made this very night possible. How could this be? Lying could make the world a better place. It's maddening and that's how I feel about this president. I feel like this could be the lie that saves us all because I have never felt more American than Jesus Christ. It's good and when it happens I can see everyone. that's fighting so if I'm on stage and I tell a joke that makes you want to beat up a transgender then you're probably part of it and you don't come see me anymore or you don't understand that when a soccer ball player kneels during the national anthem, he's actually defending me, but I may not want him to come in, but I swear, no matter how bad it gets, you are my countrymen and I know for a fact that I am determined to work. with all of you and if that woman who told that atrocious lie were alive today she would thank you for lying and then kick her in the