This Comedian Is A Living Cartoon Character. Greg Morton - Full Special

Lady Averted, I was an only child, let me tell you a little about myself. I started when I was a baby. In fact, I used to do voiceovers for

cartoon

s. Let me give you a sample. Please be thankful for the flower smasher like wow, Scooby, yeah. I was an only child, so now I would like to come out of my shell a little and I would like to act in a film. Now

this

is going to be two and a half hours, so some of you are still taking

this

. Seriously, that's not going to work. Our children are in the car.

Who here has not seen The Lord of the Rings. Raise your hand if you haven't. I know she doesn't. Okay, that would explain what the hell that expression on your face was. um okay let me explain to you the lord of the rings is a movie about walking what they do is walk and walk and walk and they eat a little bread and they walk a little more it's like the bible but there are no black people anymore The people in The Lord of The Rings walk too much, no, my family would not tolerate me not driving the motor.

I'll tell you to bring the car because I'm not going with the engine. You know, I have a high blood sugar level. What's wrong with you making me walk all that way? Well, I guess a lot of you here don't have black families, let's move on, but I love movies, oh, I love action movies, action movies, expendables, expendables, you know what's expendable? The Expendables the English language Jason Statham is in it What did Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger do, right? Don't get ahead of yourself, I'm watching this movie and my wife comes out of the bedroom and says, what are you watching?

I said I don't know, Jet Li was the most articulate actor in that movie, but I love movies because they distract you from reality, which has been just terrible lately. Nothing is happening on the planet. You feel it? The hurricanes and the snow and you know, we've had it all, all these natural disasters, earthquakes, landslides, fire, drought, floods, killer bees, pigs and dogs have the flu, the boy, the girl, volcanoes, tornadoes , I say, let the Israelites go, something is happening on the planet, right, no, you can feel it. either it's too hot or it's too cold I don't want that when it's too hot hey, is it hot enough for you? that's what people say.

Is it hard enough for you? Oh no, I like 3000 degrees Calvin, I like to feel the sweat rolling down the crack of my butt I'll sit on the stove and you turn it on and set me on fire I'll tell you what it is This is an example I'll tell you that black people say funny things when it's hot too they'll be like oh it's hot, it's hot in Africa, you haven't been five minutes outside of Philadelphia, what the hell do you know about Africa? Africans don't say things like that, it's cold, it's cold in Canada, okay, three people saw the The gods must be crazy, but I think natural disasters are good.

Natural disasters are God's way of keeping us from becoming arrogant about where we live. I'll give you an example, Californians, right? Californians are so arrogant about their climate that they will call them out. In the middle of winter, what's the weather like up there in Michigan? Well, here's 75 74 with the wind chill factor. Can I call you again? That was an earthquake. You're just looking at me. She grabs her tongue. Why not when there is a hurricane? One time it goes well, you'll see them on the news, oh we, we'll just sit here and get over it, we make it before we can do it again and then it comes, oh damn, the whole country is on your side What happens to people when they say? you have to get out, get out, then there are those diseases, the viruses, oh my God, right now we have a new flu circulating out there, it's h3n2, what is that h3 n2? you sank my battleship you know why we all get sick kids yeah kids spread disease no you see them come home cover your mouth that's what they do they make a little loogie cannon and spread it all over the house and one person You have a limited number of sick days at work, don't get me wrong, I love children, but we have to do something about it last year they had measles, this year they had the monks, friends, if you have children, it is very important that they euthanize their children, give them euthanasia vaccines every year so that they do not spread it to other people. that's the right word, sir, he looked at me like I was going to prison, oh, but hey, at least we had a good vacation, you know I'm broke, now we have to buy kids, we buy our kids too many things, no . us my nephews this is what they wanted 8 19 years old this is what they want for christmas an ipad i will get your notebook you want a notebook you better get a visual operation with some cash if you want an ipad , because you are not wrong, my credit score, do you know how much money it is?

It's like we're kids asking for 300 bicycles or something like that. I'll get you the original iPad, it's called etch-a-sketch. You can have it, where? There are all the apps here now, why don't you stay outside under that tree and put some angry birds on it? There you have it. We had good toys when we were children. We had toys that would kill you. We had a bright light in the bathtub. oven my sister tried to kill me with the easy bake oven she would run out of mixture and then she would invent something with her head like she was martha stewart or something like that eat it it's a cake that's cat poop i'm not going to eat that i fell for once I'm not going to fall for that trap again you think I'm stupid heights oh every toy they came out would kill you what was that toy? oh graphics remember graphics lawn darts have you ever had those big darts?

They were darts, they were so dangerous that they banned them you can't get a lawn dart today you can get an assault weapon but you can't get a lawn dart and I remember playing with my friends, go stand there, stand in the ring, that It's what it was like it was like horseshoes with darts hey that doesn't count okay do it again I'm a unicorn ball that would teach you how to take a cheap shot that was good when we were kids nothing was safe I'm saying that Seriously, I mean. You remember the playgrounds, I mean, now they're all like chuck e cheese, these little balls of plastic and foam to fall on what a bunch of cowards we had asphalt and you looked down and saw other kids' skin. lying on the asphalt the swing we tried to kill each other on the swing I was pushing my best friend Keith on the swing as hard as I could to see if he would go over the bar, I actually thought that might happen and he was yelling at me louder and I would yell jump, jump, look what happens and my dad would never anchor the swing correctly so the whole swing would start swinging back and forth and the legs would come off the ground and then it would flip over and we would fall on our backs. and we were crying and our parents were in the house laughing because they wanted us to die it was also a wonderful moment, the children are not going to do it today they are soft they are soft what is this elf on the shelf if you are not good the elf will come back and tell you to Santa we had something different when I was a kid it was called a belt on the shelf and if you misbehave that belt flew off that shelf it came to life when I was a kid my mom used to tell me I'll beat the black one off look at me it's close to work look at me I'm going to show you something I'm going to show you something, look at this, it seems like you're hiding inside me, sir, look at this, I'm a black man with a farmer's tan, for God's sake, I came here to even out the summer, That's why summer is my least favorite time. certain year that's when all my white friends come up to me look look I'm darker than you until the police stop you for no reason then you're darker than me so shut up but we did it we did it . disciplined, I mean, you know what I think kids need to toughen up.

Have you ever seen a little child get hurt? The funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. No, as long as he's not your son. At first no sound comes out. They go into shock. I don't think anything happened to them, they start looking around, it looks like they are looking for their lawyer and they want to scream, but they can't breathe, so it comes out and then they exhale deeply the first time I heard that. I jumped in the bathtub I thought a tornado was coming I didn't know what was happening so they run and cry at the same time have you ever heard that sometimes you can hear them running around your property that's a lot of fun? ride a kid just to hear that that doesn't sound like my kid but I wish we had that kind of release you know what I'm saying something stressful happens in our lives Mr.

Morton I'm afraid your car insurance runs out to go up, uh, Mr. Martin. Gasoline costs 75 a gallon. Good morning, Mr. Morton. This is the IRS' call, but it's a lot of work. Now my wife and I, unfortunately, do not have children. It was fine, it's the kind of business. I agree that it is difficult to have children, but it is strange. If you don't have children, people try to convince you to have them. Have you realized that no, they are not happy unless you are miserable too? Have you noticed that they will have them? up hey how come you guys don't have kids, should you have some kids?

I'm going to look, it's personal, my wife and I can't have children, we have a white carpet, we are, you know, we've been together for a long time, we're very happy and it's great it's wonderful I love it I love my wife now at the beginning it was difficult because you have to learn to share things in a relationship like food no, I don't know what it is when you take them out for the first time they don't eat anything they don't eat anything they're on a date I'm not as hungry as I eat a bird three and a half months later that it's a pretty big bird I'll tell you it's a pterodactyl that's what you even have to share the blankets do you ever sleep with a blanket pig you wake up in the middle of the night naked you look there's a big cocoon next to you and you know that a butterfly doesn't He's going to hatch tomorrow honey I even had to share the razors.

I didn't know I had to share razors. I pulled out what I thought was a new razor and shaved. The first blade takes my face out to here while the The second blade cuts what's on my legs. You can hear them shaving the wood, but at least my wife remembers to shave. If she forgets, it's like sleeping with a cricket. She will snuggle up next to me in the middle of the night. I love you. you know that wow that's just small staples that's the Black and Decker wife you're trying to kill me I think your wife likes to see you suffer no I'm fine I'll tell you I'm going to talk about it do you ever figure it out when you get hurt she will laugh we have a rule in our house but the last one to get to bed has to turn everything off right so i look in the bathroom she is getting ready for bed what is this getting ready for bed Do you know how I get ready for bed? this is how I get ready for bed she's in the bathroom she's putting things on she's taking things off she's picking things up she's putting things down I'm thinking I have an hour I must have an hour so I'm going to watch TV whatever I want to do it I'll be back she's gone she's not even in the bathroom she's in bed she's in bed with her tablet reading oh someone decided to come to bed listen could you do me a little favor could you go out and make sure the car is all locked and everything and then go back inside and close the door and lock it and put all the chains on it, turn on the alarm system and then look at the computer something doesn't catch on fire in the middle of the night and burn me to ashes and then turn on the phone school, you can call 9-1-1 in case someone tries to come in and kill me and then I want you to close all the curtains so no one can see me naked. my favorite blanket in the glass of water I turn off all the lights turn the thermostat down to 68 degrees take the dog out and make sure he pees and poops and then come to bed okay what you're fine but if they get hurt and you laugh Oh, you're disconnected from what's all right, but you know what you have here.

I have learned many lessons in life and one of the things is that you have to have fun in life. I made this today. Between. Walmart and I let one go and then I walked away from it and I saw other people come in and I think that's the most fun you can have and you can get away with anything at Walmart because everyone is a potential suspect at Walmart nothing. along with a little retail therapy, I go to Best Buy, that's my favorite show. Oh, I love The Best Buy, so I went to Best Buy one time and they forgot to disable the security tag on my merchandise, so I went to the front.

The alarm goes off, everyone looks at me like I've stolen something. You know why, because I'm awesome. If that ever happens to you, I want you to run. I mean, run as fast as you can. Then when they catch you, show them the receipt, thanks. thank you very much ladies and gentlemen