Hippie Wife Hippie Life. Johnny Beehner on Marriage and Kids

get married uh you're going to earn a lot we were married for like six months and suddenly my

wife

comes out of the bushes like hey I'm going to get a, let's get a dog. I'm going to make it very difficult. I said no, I don't want to have a dog, let's not do that. She says, yes, yes, yes, let's get a dog. It would be funny. You love her. cool, no, I don't get it, oh, it's a lot of work, money, let's not do that, she's that one, come on, let's get a dog, so I said, okay, you know, I'm going to use one of my battles here, my

wife

, who clearly had never been told to pick your battles says what are you talking about your battles I said well you know, they always say, pick your battles so I'll use one of mine, she started laughing and then we went and got a dog.

I have to eat the whole family. Me, my wife, my children brought me to eat at this restaurant and the waitress came to check on us, as if you were fine. my wife says oh no no no no no he's fine he's had enough to drink he's fine and the waitress says fine and left I'm sitting at the table I'm like what just happened another coke I just told him another coke and then this other person That's not me I said I don't need another coke I don't think I'm going to do another coke This is one of my battles where I use a battle for this so they were talking about no it's a coke let it go Johnny save them.

You don't know how many battles you have and then my wife gets mad at me because she looks at me and doesn't think I'm listening to her, you know because I'm just sitting at the end of the table playing through the different scenarios in my head I'm like she's like what? you're doing where's your head what's he doing I'm like what am I doing I'll tell you what to do I'm daydreaming flip the table say where is my car and then other women in the restaurant probably like, “Oh my god, did you see that guy? What an animal he totally overreacted.

I'm going to make all the guys like Diddy. It seems to me like someone just lost a battle, actually. We just celebrated some kind of important anniversary, now in a big way, week six or seven, so she actually got me a gift. I have it. She brought it with me because well, I'll show it. I don't know if you. Have you ever seen this? She says it's called a lover's voucher coupon book. Have you ever seen them? I have never felt more disappointed in my

life

. The first coupon is valid for one hour of alone time.

Who exactly is the coupon for? I'm a comedian on the road. I have many hours of long time. Well, then my car. maybe that's the warm up coupon and then they start getting dirty the next coupon is good for a night out with my friends okay this is a big disappointment you got the last coupon right for the last coupon here it was four. I will watch an errand of my choosing, dim the lights and blow out the candles, my wife will go to Walgreens to buy pepto-bismol. These, come on, are on the back of these coupons.

They have terms and conditions. Yes, is there anything more attractive than fine print? It says expiration. This coupon does not. expire except in the case of a substantial change in the indicated lover relationship between the bearer and the redeemer II it is not really necessary to print it my wife left me do you think you will owe me an hour of long time without going anywhere? Part of this gift is that they are supposed to be for me, here it says twenty twenty vouchers, it is supposed to be twenty vouchers and there are nineteen and she didn't know it, but when you take out a coupon, she leaves a stub and says what was the future for this era to give in to an argument she didn't want me to have that one that's ridiculous it's not fair oh you know what I'll do I'll give you I'll give you some advice I'll give you

marriage

advice if there's anyone out there thinking about getting engaged or getting married I'll tell them this is It is very important that before doing so you sit down and discuss whether or not any of you want to one day live on a farm.

I don't know how we forgot to talk about being married for like two months, we were sitting on the couch and I remember sitting next to my wife and thinking this is all great. I just married the girl of my dreams. I won the lottery and then she turns to me and says, Oh, I can't wait until we have our own little farm. Sorry, did you just say farm, farm with a bunch of goats and chickens? Yes, I know what a farm is. what are you talking about you want to live in a farce it's like code for you in a divorce it's basically your ultimate goal is that in the future you want to get a farm and accumulate all these animals and just rescue each animal and we I still don't have one farm, but she's slow, she wants, she's starting to rescue all these animals, okay, we're filling our two-bedroom house with animals, okay, we have, we have the dog, okay, and we have two cats, okay , now.

I'm not a cat lover, are there cat people here? No, no, I'm joking. I saw the weirdo up front, okay. I said yes. I just talked about my cats on a show once and after this show, this lady approached me. and she says oh you see defecate ek look at everything how windy okay first of all I didn't even know there were different breeds of cats I didn't know it was a thing I just thought you said the color of your cat and then the word "cat lady is monstrous" what do you have? an Alaskan brindle that is very calm and an Alaskan brindle is very common.

I'm like I have a brown store cat for the Milwaukee brown store cat, very rare and we have two, we have two of them. Okay, when I met my wife, she already had a cat, okay, and I was deathly allergic to it, it was still him, so this is what she did: she got another one, so you got the two cats, the He named it and ruined it. How many cats? You have... okay, what are their silly names? Lex and Penguin. Look, I like it. That's great. Is creative. It's fun. You have an animal. Have fun with it.

Name your cat. Penguin. I guess that's not confusing. Look darling. Know? I named our dog. Know? I was part of the agreement that we would have the dog and I named him Batman, that's great, it's a great day for a dog. No, I'm sure it is. You know our cats' names are Jack and Edie, those aren't funny names, they really are. people's names are fine, yeah, you know, it's funny that she actually has a nickname for me, she calls me poop, but cats have normal, dignified people, ants, hi, these are my cats, Jack and Edward, my husband, poop running around here somewhere now, I think he ran in. the basement when you ring the bell he's in, he's in, he's out, he's out, I just have to wave a bag of food, he'll come, just no, I don't know how to not get ki So this blew me away, it's a real sign.

I once saw four cats missing on a post somewhere, it said missing cat and it had a picture of a dumb cat, you know, and then it said $2000 reward. First of all, cats are free. I'm pretty sure, I mean, these guys must do it, not because of their old cat. It's okay, I don't want to judge. I will say this. If I lost my cat, if I accidentally lost our cats, I would put up signs. I would have to feel like it would be different, even though my cues would say two cats missing, reward two cats, okay, I'm losing you.

I can sense there are more cat people here than this weirdo and a couple of weirdos. There it is okay, okay, yes, you love your cats and I'm the bad one. Do you know what else it is? I didn't grow up with cats oh I didn't know and if you're not familiar with cats let me tell you this right now there's a furball it's not like in the cartoons because that's what I expected right I thought the cat was going to do umm and then a way to fall to fly or anyone know a couple of weeks after we moved.

I wake up one morning and Eddie is on my pillow, he's right in front of my face, he's doing that stupid thing that cats and feet do, you know, he's like, I'm going to wake up to this. I'm like, ah, you're trying to hypnotize me, what is this and then all of a sudden he starts doing it? He just starts saying oh well I thought he was trying to talk to me. I'm freaking out, I'm like, what is it, Eddie, are there problems? Timmy went down too good and then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, this wet, disgusting, hairy mass of placenta like rockets coming out of his mouth right in front of my face, you know?

The creepiest thing was that he didn't even break. I contacted a man who came out. I'm running away from my God and he just went to the bathroom with his mouth and you're putting the food on the wrong side, honey. I'm going to read the bag and then he just wanders off, okay, I'm out of here. I had fun cleaning up that hot mess. I'm going to hide in the dresser and make noises for three days. Guys, here is our wonderful audience? You have been great. Will end what this story is a true story when I was in 8th grade, my friend and I sneaked into his parents room and he took out the dead sock drawer, the back of his father's sock, where there was a magazine Playboy that he was hiding so that his wife wouldn't see him now, even at that young age.

I'm in eighth grade. I remember thinking that this guy is hiding things from his wife. That's terrible. If my son went to my room, he pulled out my sock drawer and he wouldn't find a Playboy magazine. If not, he would look for a Ziploc baggie with a half-used stick of Irish Spring units.