138. Speak Your Truth: Why Authenticity Leads to Better Communication | Think Fast, Talk Smart:...

Hi Matt, I hope you can take a minute or two to help us out. We were nominated for a coveted Webby Award for our episode with Kim Scott. We would really appreciate it if you voted for us on Fast Smarter. Webby voting ends on April 18, so we only have a little time left. Thank you for

your

continued support and thank you for voting for Think Fast, Talk Smart, Faster, Smarter. i/ Webby, the best communicators and the best leaders start by focusing inward. It's about being present and connecting. I'm Matt Abrahams and I teach strategic

communication

at the Stanford Graduate School of Business.

Welcome to

think

fast

,

talk

smart

. Today's podcast. I look forward to

speak

ing. with graham Weaver Graham is a professor of management at GSB and a GSB alumnus. He teaches growing business management and management skills. Graham is a very popular teacher and has been invited several times to present at the latest commencement lecture series. Graham thanks for being Thank you so much for having me Matt. I look forward to the conversation. Are you ready to start? Let's do it right. You teach how to manage growing companies. What are two takeaways from

your

class that would help our listeners and their companies in their quest for growth?

On a scale, number one would be the power of really direct

communication

, so this sounds so cliché that I even hate to say it, but people just waste time, energy and money by being indirect, they

think

that by being indirect they are being nice, but All they are doing is creating confusion, so I'll give you an example for us at Alpine. You know I had to fight a lot with this. I am very conflict averse. I don't like it when you say something that's going to upset someone. A lot of times I would dance around things and that led to us making some bad deals because I was just like what do you think?

Are you sure you think this is a good deal? Know? Something like that when what I was really saying is that I hate this treatment. I just couldn't be that direct and I'm literally that direct now and that cost us, you know, millions of dollars in the early years where I just didn't feel comfortable telling my

truth

and so in this class we just do this over and over again where we get students into the habit of

speak

ing their

truth

. You can never go wrong when you say what's true and then we

talk

about how to do it in a way that people can feel safe. and valued, but you still have to lead with that truth, so that's probably the most important one, the second one will be completely different and then when I started teaching this class for several years, I would teach this class on entrepreneurship and then I realized that people would learn all these tools about entrepreneurship and no one would become an entrepreneur even though that's their vision, that's what they wrote in their essay, that's what they wanted to do, so I realized that there is another part of this class that is, what? is going to get in the way of you actually going and pursuing your dream, which is why I added this whole component to the class, which is two things first: let's dedicate time and energy to the students so that they really understand what their dream is, what would be the what they would do if they knew they wouldn't fail what their superpowers are what's easy for them that's hard for other people or that feels like a game to them that's work for others or you know, we spend a lot of time It's time to help them understand really that and many times it is not the standard, you know, what is presented here, like it is not consulting work, it is something very, very different, so make that very clear to them and then this is The really critical thing is that They become inundated with all these limiting beliefs.

Not me now. I have no experience. It could fail. How can I raise money? How do I pay my loans? I can not do this. Do you know my roommate's brother? I tried this and I failed, all of these things come almost immediately and we actually take, we have a whole class where we take those limiting beliefs, put them aside, look at them in the cold light of day and start dealing with them because if I have to name them because limiting beliefs are actually fear and they have more power when they are in the corners of your subconscious mind, so we analyze them, we look at them and we try to overcome them, so those are two very different things. direct communication and then you know, discover your limiting beliefs and overcome those that could help people.

I find it really interesting that in a business class what you're really talking about are personal business skills and intrapersonal information. I think so everyone can Think for a moment, what would you do if failure didn't limit you? I think it's a wonderful way to get people to rethink what they're doing and I love that you take the time to have people bring up those limiting beliefs because you can do it. It doesn't address things you're not aware of, so I'm 51 now and I've been in private equity for 29 years. You know, I went to Stanford, I teach here and the longer life lasts.

For me, the more I realize that most of this game that we're playing is, first and foremost, an internal game and it's presented as an external game where you know we have to do all these things and pay debts and all that. , but it really starts out being an internal game and the more you can master it first, the more successful you will be and it almost doesn't matter what you do externally, at some point you are going to have to master that internal game. game absolutely and I think I see that at work, you know, a lot of what we do is focus on how you message externally, but it really starts with what's going on in your own head, in your own mind, you recently delivered a The Last GSP conference on living an asymmetrical life and congratulations on how it is a great honor to speak at one last conference.

What do you mean by an asymmetrical life and how can we achieve that? I use the analogy of investing after being a professional investor for 29 years you end up with these wildly asymmetrical results so you don't end up with a bunch of you know, two or three deals, you end up with some good ones and then some just the home runs if you look Warren Buffett, for example, I think until 1988 he made half of his profits in the public market that in his entire history came from two stocks, Geico and Washington Post, so you end up with these wildly asymmetrical results that you can explain when you say that okay, you have this criterion. right, you had the right market, the right management team, a big enough Tam.

High returns on invested capital, you discovered a way to buy companies, you have a playbook that you know and every time you accumulate another one of those, you are creating like Logarithmic type results are not linear and the more you accumulate, the more logarithmic it becomes. comes back, so I started looking at my own life and looking at it through that lens of what could create asymmetrical outcomes in life and four things occurred to me. So the first is to do hard things and the reason it's there is because the thing that's keeping you where you are from your next plateau is something you don't want to do or fear, that's why If you're stuck where you are now, it's a Of those two things, maybe they're both right and if you pursue that, generally speaking, your life will get worse first, so if your thing, for example, is that you need to end a relationship that's not going well, you know, if you wake up tomorrow and you stay in the relationship, everything is fine, but if in 5 years everything will be worse, but if you wake up tomorrow and do the difficult thing, you have the difficult conversation, you have the breakup.

You'll feel alone, you'll have to, you know, have that struggle, but then you'll emerge and you'll get to the next plateau, so that goes for everything and I had this quote that I like to say, which is everything. what you want in this life is on the other side of the worst first and the second is that number one is to do hard things, number two is to do your thing, so aren't you going to be amazing in this life trying to live the from another person. in life and when you find that thing that really excites you, you just show up differently.

I work a job, you know, I took the safe job when I graduated school and I felt like a part of me was dying and if you asked me at the time I was in that job what percentage of your potential are you unleashing right now Graham . He probably would have said like oh 60 70% now I'm actually doing what I want to do. I look back and I would say no, it's more like 4%, so when you do something that excites you, that's your thing, you'll just show up differently and most importantly, you'll stay at it much longer, which This is really the key, which is point three, which is do it for decades, do your thing for a long time like you're getting a little bit

better

, even a little bit, we have CEOs who have been running their company for 15 years and They are

better

at your 15, they were at 14, better at 14, they were at 13 and you know, 15 years later, when you are improving, you can be the best in the world at something, but you have it, but keep doing hard things. your thing and then you'll be more likely to do it for decades and the fourth, which sits above Everything Is Write your story, so what most people do if you asked them to write a book about their life, they would do it. .

They would look back and start talking about these events almost as if the events had happened to them and then this happened and then this happened and this happened. By the way, we have managers who do this, oh yeah, how's your C quarter going? happened and then this happened and this happened it's like, well, what would happen if you did it the other way around? What happens if you write the story you want to happen first? Why don't you do it as if you were starting today from wherever you are? your story about what you want the story to be for the next 5 10 15 or your life, you know, write that story and then make it happen and the magical thing happens is that the clearer you can get that story, the more likely it is that happen. that will happen, so those are the four things that I feel like if you stack them on top of each other, you can know basically anything you want in this life.

I love that it's a Playbook and I love that it's about initiative. and being willing to go through the hard stuff to get to the good stuff and chart a course before you do it to focus, but also set expectations and in what you said, I heard a lot of just getting to it, don't do it. Don't waste your time and I love this idea of ​​an asymmetrical life and I hope that everyone listening thinks about those four steps and considers that you know how to approach them maybe not in that order maybe not right away, but put yourself on the path to do it. any of those steps will improve your life dramatically any of them if you just do hard things if you just do your thing if you just write your story any of those will make a dramatic difference in your life but if you run the table on all four, that's what I'm saying, you can unlock almost anything you want.

I love your passion, I love your ideas and I see that in your blogs I enjoy reading your blogs, it's very fun, you are very attractive. writer and I learn a lot from them as I learn from our conversation. I must say that one of your blogs that was about your attendance at a Taylor concert caught my attention and I am very curious for you to share it with our audience, the lessons you learned while enjoying and shaking with Taylor Swift, that's my song favorite, actually, Taylor Swift's Shake It Off, so in 2018 Taylor Swift was snubbed for the Grammys, you know, she wasn't nominated and there's this video. of her where she's on the phone with her agent and she's just Crest falling and like you just watch all the energy drained from her face and then right after that she goes through this really difficult public disaster with Kanye West and Kim Kardashian about Do you know if he can use the lyrics or can they use his lyrics in the song?

Do you approve? And there, the number one trending hashtag on Twitter was Taylor Swift's number one. Can you imagine being her at that moment? You're like 20 years old and the number one trending hashtag in the world is your demise, that's how many people have this Venom and so what does she do? Well, she, you know, what most people would do, they would probably go, you know. I would probably have this I'm a victim. You know I'm going to blame. You know Kanye West and you know this problem is me and she probably had moments where she felt some of that.

I'm sure she did. but instead she said you know what I just need to make a better record that's what she said she says that in fil I guess I need to make a better record so between 2018 and 2022 she put out more songs than ever before . In her entire life she did something behind that and I guarantee you that there were days when she was just covered with the sheets, she didn't want to get out of bed, but she put on the helmet, she got to work and just he put one on. one foot in front of the other and she did it over and over again and then she won more awards for the work she did in that period than at any other time in her life and I think you know what people don't see that just look at her in concert and it's a concert of a thousandmillion dollars and here are all these lights and what a great dancer and it has so much music, but my, my, my favorite quote of all time.

I write quotes on my whiteboard every day in class. I'm a big collector of quotes. I post them almost every day on social media. My all-time favorite. He quotes Michelangelo, you know, he sculpted the David, he painted a Titina chapel and he says that if people knew how hard I worked to get my Master's degree, it wouldn't seem so wonderful and I think people see the Master's degree. by Taylor Swift, but they don't see all the things that I went into this, so anyway I'm inspired by everything she does, but I thought that a story of her is really just a story of determination, it's not about talent or you know her music or anything, it's just about her and her. resolve anyway she's one of my heroes I think that notion, well I think it's great that you take a lesson Beyond fun and enjoyment of her music, but tenacity and belief in yourself and just trying hard in doing it.

I think there is a lesson for all of us and the point about Mastery is really fascinating. We had a whole episode about the Masters and really what it entails and it's a lot of work and there's a lot of things that people don't know. I see you writing a lot about your desire to continue growing and improving something you're working on right now, so yeah, great question. I had this really interesting conversation with a friend of mine a couple of years ago and we were kind of joking and she asked me and said, “You know, if you could have a superpower, what would it be?”, so I was like, “Oh, that would be cool.” read someone's mind or you know whatever." It was a game and then all of a sudden it got a little bit deeper and I was like, well, what's actually a superpower that I could actually develop and what the word that came to mind was, you know, Enlightenment, You know what happens if what?

If I were more enlightened, you know, because what I started to realize and I think this is true for everyone is that you know your whole life unfolds externally and there are events and situations and then that life goes through a filter which is your mind and then and then what you're processing is your interpretation of those events so this happened this is so good it's so bad is this consistent with what I thought was going to happen am I upset about this? You know? I feel good? about this you know what the story I have about how my life is supposed to be what the story I have about what you know what will make me happy or successful what the story I have about other people thinking about me and me I just started to realize that this whole story that I'm creating for myself and that filter is almost 100% under my control and therefore a lot more of my life is under my control than I thought, so I started to embark on this journey that has been incredible, so I have been studying a lot of Buddhism.

I've been going on meditation retreats, journaling, and training. I have been meditating a lot more than ever and it is the best journey. I think it's probably the best. The most important journey anyone could ever take, so I'm not, I'm not there, I'm not an enlightened individual, I don't know if I ever will be, but I'm definitely at least getting closer than maybe I was. Before I begin this journey, I appreciate you sharing that because for many people it is a very personal pursuit and the tools that you are using are tools that I personally meditate and reflect on a lot and I find that there is a lot of value and I think that in a world in the one we live in, in a place we live in, we can get very distracted by lots of bright objects and ideas and really connect to ourselves.

I like it, you know, it's kind of like that for me. At least it's like brushing your teeth, you know, you can't just brush your teeth for eight hours on January 1st, yeah, and then say "I'm good for the year," you know, so it's like starting over every single one. in the morning and I have to reschedule and go back to meditating, taking a cold shower, journaling, doing it again, but it does, it's made a huge difference before we're done, Graham. I would like to ask you a few things. questions the first question I'm going to ask specifically for you and then the others are common questions that I ask everyone who is willing to do it, so number one, you are a leader, you teach new leaders and you work with many. differentiates an exceptional leader from an average leader I would say that ultimately when you get past all the tactical things, very, very exceptional leaders give themselves permission to be themselves fully, so I'll give you a very simple example from my own life, so I started.

I was asked to teach at Stanford Business School, so for my first few years I went and saw all the amazing professors here and learned and wrote notes and everything, and for the first few years I really tried to imitate them and you know, GO grck he was a mentor of mine so I tried to do everything he did and I didn't do it very well and at some point I had this conversation with my executive coach who told me: you know Graham, you're going to be a C+ version of VV grck but you can be an A+ version of Graham Weaver and that's enough and I think that was the part of that's enough that I didn't believe, that's why I was trying to imitate someone else and I think you know if you're in a leadership role you're there for a reason, You know that you are an incredibly special person and you are different from everyone else and those differences are what make you incredible and giving yourself permission to be yourself completely will be what helps you achieve that.

You are this incredible light and you are going to do something different than anyone knows that anyone has ever done before, so I think it's that permission and realizing that that's enough, that's really powerful, we just need to be ourselves and be. We ourselves can be successful in teaching leadership and many other areas, but we get in our own way. Question number two: who is a communicator you admire? and why I'll go with Irv grck, who teaches here, so I think Irv. He's been teaching here for 35 40 years and before that he was a very successful businessman, probably best known for owning the Celtics or being one of the owners of the Boston Celtics.

Anyway, he was my teacher here. I was a case in his class for 12 years. and he was also the one who got me into teaching in terms of his communication, he just models exactly what I would like to teach others and what I want to do for myself, which is super direct, he's clear, he's authentic, he's himself and then and then. like when you're in his presence you feel like you're the most important person in the world and you're the only person in the world during that period of time when you're with him he just makes you feel that way and he's always been the voice of you can, you can do this and I believe in you and that may sound cliché, but when there's someone like that that you look up to when you're in your early 20s and they try to start a business and it's not going so well.

You know, having someone like that just keeps you grounded and reminds you that you have this. You know he's been amazing, so he would be the person I would choose. Yeah, so Irv has quite a reputation around here and a lot of people say. and share exactly what you did, when you talk to him, you're in that spotlight and you feel like it's just you and him in that conversation and that's a very powerful thing to feel like you have someone's undivided attention. and they are really there to help you. Final question What are the first three ingredients that are part of a successful communication recipe?

So the first one would be to understand what your truth is. What is your? What is your truth? What do you want? say about this situation and make it clear, giving yourself a little bit of space where you're not reacting but you're realizing what your highest value is and what it is that you want to say and then you speak that. The truth is that number one and two would be to create security. You know that PE people will listen to that feedback when they're safe, and you know the opposite would be that they won't listen at all if they feel attacked or belittled. or something like that focus on, you know Matt, the reason I want to address this with you is because I really care about our relationship and I want to see you in this company for a long period of time, you know that's what I mean for sure. and then third, be clear about what you're asking, just as if we were having a conversation, so you know what specific thing I'm asking of you or what are the next actions that people forget and walk away. thinking they had this whole conversation the other person said oh yeah that was lovely but they missed the whole point so I think that would be the three and I think clarity is compassionate so the clearer it is even if it doesn't is what they want to hear.

The more direct and clear you can be, the more compassionate you will be towards the other person. I love that idea of ​​clarity leading to compassion. It is compassion operationalized in some way. As you've alluded to in many of your answers, it's really about introspection first, what is your truth, what needs to be done and that's amazing and I want to make sure everyone hears that you are better with others when you are true to yourself first and you know what that is and then you are clear and you create security. space for you to have those conversations Graham, this has been fantastic.

I really appreciate the opportunity to chat with you. The idea that we have to look inward before managing people externally really makes sense. I love your energy. I love that they both meditate and love. Taylor Swift and that you can learn from both, so thank you for your time and thank you for your Insight, thank you for having me, it was a lot of fun, thank you for joining us for another episode of think

fast

talks

smart

, the Stanford GSB podcast. To learn more about personal growth and positioning, listen to episode 82 with Nancy Dwarte and episode 118 with Dory Clark.

This episode was produced by Jenny Luna, Jim Colan and myself, Matt Abrahams, our music is by Floyd Wonder, find us on YouTube or wherever you are. your podcasts be sure to subscribe and rate us, also follow us on LinkedIn and Instagram and check out faster and smarter. for in-depth videos, English language learning content, and our newsletter