"Locker room talk." Says who? | Alexis Jones | TEDxUniversityofNevada

Translated by: Peter van de Ven Reviewed by: Marleen Laschet It's a long road. I should have practiced with that. First of all, what an honor, what a privilege to be here and have this conversation with you. For the past three years, I've spent most of my time in college

locker

room

s

talk

ing to guys about the importance of respecting women. I was recently invited by a major university and when they asked me when I entered, they told me what was going on in their

locker

room

s. They told me that there was a player who had hit the mother of his son; that there were four other players accused of raping four different women; that there were two more players who had seen and filmed the rape of an unconscious girl; and knowing all this, the day after the election, one of the head coaches started singing this song: “We can grab the girls by the crotch because this is America.” Well, that's not the America I know and sexual violence is really just a symptom of the problem.

The problem is attitude, it's how these young men are programmed to think, speak and treat women. Before we delve into all the

talk

, maybe I should start with a few caveats. First of all, I'm making a mistake. I just know that it happens. At some point I'll lose the thread, so be a little kind. Furthermore, there are brilliant people who have dedicated their entire lives to this topic and institutions that are doing good work; This is just my humble contribution. Secondly, ProtectHer is just a starting point for us. We know that men are harassed too, one in 16.

We know that the LGBT community is harassed, and while those groups absolutely deserve our attention, this time I'm going to talk about 'hair', because violence against women is a A big problem is fire, and I will express myself with heterosexual stereotypes. Thirdly, ProtectHer does not imply that women are weak and cannot defend themselves and, therefore, men should come to help us. ProtectHer is an invitation to all humanity to make women and girls a greater priority. It's interesting that some schools call me because at the end of the day they care about what happens in their locker room.

But before reaching the locker room, he had been defending the girls for ten years. When I was 19, I founded the non-profit organization I AM THAT GIRL. She's like a free-spirited version of the girl scouts. (Laughs) There are about a million girls involved and we just opened a branch in our 20th country. So it is, thanks! Very good! (Applause) So I have a name, a face, and a story ready for when someone talks about girls in statistical terms. And just three years ago, Yogi Roth and Trent Dilfer called me to ask if I wanted to talk to athletes from top 18 schools on a TV show called "Elite Eleven." I didn't know that a week later, when it aired on ESPN, the news about Ray Rice would break.

I suddenly became that girl in the locker room, having difficult conversations with guys about the importance of respecting women. It helped me that I had worked at FOX Sports and ESPN and that I grew up in Texas, where football is a religion, and that I grew up with four older brothers. My father is the godfather I know; My husband was a professional athlete for nine years. It was interesting that suddenly top schools across the country were asking me to look behind the facades to get a better idea of ​​what was going on. Like I said, some schools asked me why there was an incident in her locker room; other schools were justifiably concerned.

A coach called me and told me that he was worried because he had a daughter and the way those guys talked about women was very disrespectful. I went there, of course, and I'm sitting there and halfway through my story (all of us in that locker room, go figure, with a girl) and halfway through my story, one of these guys raises his hand and

says

, "Ya I see, it's important to 'respect' girls, but it's okay to fuck them." You understand the coach said, "You can't say that!" (Laughter) He's sitting there shaking his head and looking at the ground.

Then I look at this guy and say, "According to who?" He falls silent and looks at his classmates, who are equally astonished and think: you can't be serious! So that will be punishment training. (laughs) After a minute of awkward silence, I look up and say, "I'm not saying it's not, I just notice that you're very confidently saying, 'It's cool to fuck with them,' and I ask, 'According to whom?' Finally he looks at me and

says

, “I don't know.” I say, “That's the problem: You're on pre-programmed autopilot; you read a lesson; You use a definition of cool that isn't yours and you just sit around pretending you made it up yourself. "Mother, father, priest, teacher, I'm not going to tell you how to live, I'm just inviting you to do it.

Have the courage to shape your life." own life, to form your own definitions and to think for yourself. After the conversation he came up to me, grabbed me a little awkwardly and said, "Thank you and for what?" I would think for myself. Thank you for the invitation." I have a thousand stories of those types of adventures, as a girl alone in the locker room. Stories that would make you laugh or cry, stories that make you ashamed and very moving. But above all, I would give you hope. Because I am in the world to give women strength.

I knew it from a very young age, but it was only when I was in a room full of these dominant men that I realized what I was doing wrong: Just addressing violence against women is not a problem. of women, no matter how capable we are, violence against women is a human problem and we have to do something about it together. The thing is, most of these guys feel like they've never been heard. Claus and I can't go to all the schools, although I did my best, I was on the road 220 days a year for the last three years.

So we created the first ProtectHer program, which can be integrated into those locker rooms to invite young people. to expand his idea of ​​masculinity. Because, in our opinion, to secure the dorms it is necessary to activate the hearts and minds in the locker rooms. Some things I learned in the trenches with those guys. First of all, you must become aware of your conditioning. This is the most distracted generation ever, and we need to get them to take the time to ask themselves, “According to whom, at least?” We know that they consume ten hours of media a day.

Media that glorifies violence against women, that is very disrespectful, where women are sexual objects. We know that they consume 3,000 brands a day, giving them a definition of masculinity hijacked by Barbie's boyfriend with a cheap air, without morals, self-respect or authenticity. We know that most of these guys learn sex from porn. So we shouldn't be so surprised, because they are doing exactly what we, as a community, programmed them to do and they are doing it well. So maybe we, as a society, can better educate them about sex and healthy relationships. Secondly, we need to talk about identity.

We need to broaden his idea of ​​masculinity, because the consensus in the locker room right now is very simple and very achievable: get as rich as possible, get as famous as possible, and fuck as many girls as possible. My husband had a brilliant idea and said, "What we should do." My husband is here, two whole meters of feminism. (Laughter) (Applause). His suggestion was: "We need to make sure that those guys aren't objects, but reminding them that they are all people too. If I'm honest, I would just collect photos of their girlfriends, sisters and mothers on social media.

By the way, that's the my husband's voice. (Laughs) It was a brilliant idea. So in the first talk I gave for Elite Eleven I collected photos of all the women they love. My first slide said: "One in four girls experiences sexual violence in college. ". Didn't you find that interesting? "Oh, we have that story again." But I click on the next slide and say, "But it's different when it's her." I had memorized some names. I said, "It's different if it's her." It's Sarah, Lauren or Jenny." So now those kids are looking at their 16 year old sister. Half of those kids started crying.

We have to reframe this topic, it has to become very personal to them. Third, we have to start a conversation about respect. You can't give what you don't have. We need to make sure these children respect themselves more so they can treat others with more dignity. What became clear to me was that we were not raising them emotionally enough. If anything, we teach these children not to have confidence in themselves. So they gain that confidence from everything they can find: from achievements, popularity, and possessions. We need to broaden the definition of self-confidence to something that doesn't depend on your high levels on social media and the approval of others.

Fourth, we must use simple language. I have yet to discover the locker room where they use words like "consent" and "bystanders." Those are words we use in our brilliant theories. I have yet to see a kid like that stand up and say, "This is a good time for us viewers to intervene." (Laughs) I've never heard anyone say, "We were having such a good time, but I stopped and said, 'So do I have your permission to continue with this?'" (Laughs) I'm not saying that. The words are not well-intentioned. I say we need to give them real language and real tools for the moments when we want them to take responsibility.

We need to do this together and in consultation with them, giving them a vocabulary for when they see something strange. Something like, "Hey, that's not possible." That when you're kissing, you can say something like, "Hey, we both want this, right?" Because as long as we talk to them like academic robots, I don't think it will work. I have some ideas about what we can do. Media people: please stop slandering universities when something like this happens in their locker rooms; This is a global disease, it is happening everywhere. Encourage universities that are doing well, so that they inspire others to follow their example.

People in the leather industry: invest in these types of programs, they are preventative medicine, we can't continue worrying about the symptoms and putting band-aids on bullet wounds. For parents: you have all the power in your wallet. When paying school fees, make it a condition that schools invest in the safety of their daughters and sons. For students: ask your school to invest in these kinds of things. And to the school athletes: tell them that you will not choose a university that does not make prevention a priority. And for policymakers: If you need a driver's license to drive a car, why not make it mandatory to follow a preventative program before you can go to college?

To National League owners, can you be brave enough to sign a ProtectHer pledge saying you will not hire students convicted of sexual assault? Being a professional athlete is a privilege, you are a living legend in this country. You have the ability to change the playing field with such standards. Ultimately, ProtectHer is a rallying cry, a belief system, a cultural identity rooted in an inherent respect for women. Right now, as we sit here together, there are brave women and men marching all over the country, parading in their capital, saying that this is the change... (Applause) (Applause) saying that this is the change that the country we want. do.

It's so easy for us to sit in a room, listen to these talks, and be inspired, but such a bold cultural shift will require us to lift up the fighter, the gladiator, the protector in you and me to define a new normal, one where girls , women and all people are treated with dignity and respect. Because at the end of the day, men are not just the problem when it comes to violence against women, they are also the solution, and we have never needed them more. So real men are invited to this one. Thank you. (Applause) (Greetings)