Rodney Dangerfield,Tonight Show 1999

so, the maestro himself, the man, the legend among legends, one of the greatest stand-ups of all time, on december 25 at the mgm grand in las vegas, will be there for the entire millennium, the only horny one in danger Hey, what a crowd, what a crowd. I'll tell you more right now, but last week I was in bad shape, you know, last week I saw my psychiatrist, I told him, doctor, my wife comes home so late, well, last night she came home, it was four after three in the morning. She said it was 2:30. Well, it was a difficult week.

I sat my son down. I told them all about the birds and the bees. He told me about my wife and a butcher. I'll tell you that my wife never came looking for me. You know, that's it. It's not like I told him, honey, you know they say sex makes a man healthy, rich and wise. She told me: I consider myself sick, poor and stupid. Okay, who came in? What happened here last night was a difficult night. My wife sent me shopping. a dozen condoms when I got home she took four or went out oh one night she said she would like to have a threesome I told her okay and then she brought two other guys that's the story of my life no respect I don't I didn't get respect when i was a kid, they picked up my own man for child abuse, they saw me, they let him go.

My old man, who once on my birthday I told him I wanted to watch, so he let me when he was a kid. Poor too, very poor, I told my old man that I don't even have a ball to bounce on. The next thing I knew, I woke up. First he had a testicle. I want to say one thing, okay, yeah, I recorded a religious song called he and people say when. you hear it something good happens to you so check out my website

rodney

listen to it and when something good happens to you send me an email let me know that's

rodney

what's going on otherwise now you're awake you'll be back To Las Vegas, I'm going.

If you like it then if you're going to be out of town go to Vegas yeah and everyone likes it mgm they treat you right there yeah that's fine and I'll be there so like you mentioned on the 24th December for the millennium and closure. January 1st probably there December 26th is my anniversary married six years oh I've been there then there you go six years six years huh boy it seems like yesterday you know you know what a lousy day it was yesterday no my wife and I made it. Pretty good, yeah, yeah, there's nothing I wouldn't do for her, there's nothing she wouldn't do for me, that's how it's been for six years, we don't do anything for each other, no, I'd say when you're married the arguments start again with nothing, yes, the other day I was in a restaurant, my wife, you know, a girl came up, greeted me and left, my wife said who she was, I said, look, don't start, I already have enough trouble to explain to him who you are now.

When you're married, it's probably always like this, you know, I noticed lately that every time we have sex, my wife runs to a neighbor's house. I found out that she uses foreplay. I'll really tell you one thing. When my wife has sex, she screams, yes, especially when she. I approach her, you know what I'll tell you, although my wife we ​​don't think alike in many ways, no, no, like I like to go to a nude beach, you know, yeah, she doesn't want to go, you know? Yes, the guy amuses me. I went with a beast guy.

I had a wedding there. Everyone knew who the godfather was. Do you really know? Yes, it turned out to be the lifesaver. He was something this time. I would say he really was. built this year well, he participated in a three leg race for himself, okay he was built, but he pole vaulted over the finish line, wait, really wild, oh I saw a guy on a beast that weighed 100 pounds , yes, his testicles weighed 50 pounds. he really told me he felt sick I told him you're not sick you're half crazy yes I went to a meeting there was a minimum of two drinks I really think what drives me crazy the traffic oh I go crazy and the traffic I can't take it, I was in traffic the other day, but it's so crazy I gave a girl a finger, you know, yeah, she told me you can take that finger and push it with a sun, don't shine, I said okay, stop right last week .

I got involved, I don't know what happened, I ended up having phone sex with a girl who was hard of hearing, I told her, I'll

show

you sex, I'll turn you upside down, sex, drive the bank crazy, everything I heard. was what I have in a girl I was never lucky now let me girls here I'm not a pretty boy yeah, yeah, well my dog ​​found out we look alike and he killed himself, you know, boy, I mean, I know I'm ugly. are you kidding me four gay guys saw me you turned straight really really wow my proctologist put his finger in my mouth i was an ugly kid too you know halloween i had to trick or treat on the phone really ugly kids terrible good high school they voted me most likely to masturbate , You know?

And that's how ugly it was. Oh death, where is your sting? What am I doing here? I should be looking for rich gay guys. I don't know, I'm happy about one thing, you know? daughter, my daughter is very happy, very happy, yes, she is playing a pilot, yes, I don't know what airline she is with, but she is happy, I mean, I always had the same weight problem in a way, although when you become Major sticks to you, no, wait. m, I don't exercise, I'm lazy, yeah, oh, I have an uncle who is very lazy, I mean, lazy, you want to know how lazy he is, I'm sure my uncle came so late that he married a girl who was pregnant, Yes, and today I will tell you. you and today you have the cutest boy, you know, yes, he looks like Clinton, you get older, you know, you don't think well, you make mistakes, yes, a few days ago I made a mistake, I dropped all my viagra pills in the toilet .

Yeah, now the lid won't stay down, yeah, now that you get older it gets tough, just kidding, yeah, the other day I told my wife, I told her what's that old wrinkled thing grandma has, she said What grandpa, get old, you could, I mean, I don't have. sex life without sex life I remember the last time I felt an erection I was at the movies the only problem is that it belonged to the guy sitting next to me I always have a good time here you are the best and this audience is dynamite night