A hostage negotiator on how to resolve conflict | Karleen Savage | TEDxValparaisoUniversity

Okay, when people find out that I'm a

hostage

negotiator

and I work in

conflict

resolution, it puts a look on your face and when you do it, I know you're thinking about those high-stakes scenarios you see in the movies, The police barricade the snipers. on rooftops helicopters circling overhead it's a bank robbery gone wrong a hostile takeover of an embassy something out of Die Hard Bruce's wife I like that joke I'm just joking but what's not a joke is what What is left out is what does not come to mind when we think about high-risk crises and

conflict

resolution and that is us, it is the couple who is going through the rough patch in their relationship, it is the exasperation that the in-laws feel when a new marriage divides families, its empty nest syndrome.

Relentless arguments about finances for me are A 14-year-old on the other side of my crisis calls me. All of these things could be solved if we had the tools, but they are also the type of situations that can decimate, destroy, and tear families apart. What I want for you is Let's see that what is at stake in conflict resolution happens in the relationships we have every day. If you build those relationships and those skills, you have the opportunity to protect and elevate those relationships because when you are in an argument with your spouse and your teenager, there is no backup SWAT team ready to help, it's just you and that means that There is a lot at stake and I understand that over 25 years ago my life changed, my husband suffered a brain injury, it was difficult to diagnose that he was in three cars. accidents in nine months and although he seemed normal they brought him home a completely different person.

I was nine months pregnant with baby number six and my husband was now trapped in the fog of his injuries believing he was plotting against Emma after more than 10 years of drowning. In my own chaos I knew I had to find a solution so I educated myself and started working and volunteering in these fields and then I started to notice a theme of bad decisions getting in the way of good people getting what they wanted and then I saw the skills that we professionals use that could miraculously make people go from being rigid to determined and that led me to wonder how we can use what the experts use in our own lives and that idea changed my life after years of study . with five universal skills that experts used to

resolve

conflicts is curiosity, your attitude.

Master listening, connecting, and reframing, and while I can't go over them all here today, what unites these five skills is curiosity, but there are many curiosities, there is one curiosity that will inspire. If you learn something like 18th century art, there is a curiosity that will motivate your ambition to climb the corporate ladder. There is a curiosity that helps you avoid risks, but curiosity and

resolve

are epic, they eliminate clutter, they eliminate the ability to make excuses and rationalizations. Simple language with simple intent, what do you want and how would you like to get there? When we're in a fight, we resist and we hold on and we insist and we make sure we insist that we're right, so the last thing we want to do is be I'm curious what the other side sees, but that's the key and I know that Curiosity has a bad reputation, it's what killed the cat, it's what gets Curious George in trouble, but not here if you want to improve your relationship, be curious and if you want to know. how there are only two areas of focus, you and them, so I would like to focus on you for a minute and I want to ask you three questions that will reveal your little secret about how curious you are about conflict, so I want you to think about a terrible fight , can you imagine it?

Question number one, did you allow them to have their own story independent of yours? Question two, were you willing to listen to their story without the emotional or verbal reaction that we are so good at in number three? allow your story to become part of the solution that's all those are the three questions you in life critical situations what is at stake these are the things we seek we invite we ask we want to know and learn what is happening on the other side no We shouldn't want them for our relationships. Focus area number two is them, but how can you be curious when it seems like they're the ones causing all the problems?

Well, if you want a curiosity trailer that will blow your mind, so simple, go home, look for it. Someone to talk to and ask them questions for 15 minutes, just questions, but there's a caveat: there's no direction from you, that means no facial expressions, so in your opinion, there's no saying: I get it, I can relate, I get it and then you start exchanging stories or sharing your words. wisdom about your experiences, there are no noises coming from you when you do those things, they will almost always change their story, so just ask questions, it's the strongest way to talk to someone, so let me see if I can put this in a package for you. say your spouse is really angry and you are the target, well of course you are the target, let them tell their story, listen to them without negative reactions and then breathe in plain language and use their story as part of the solution, ask a question like this is just an example so you said I don't care about our kids when you said what did you see in me when that made you feel that way or one of my favorites is what it would take to make things right finally ask questions before about people feeling desperate before the kids get divorced your friends choose sides because you might not be the one they choose before the in-laws leave and they miss vacations and recitals now I'm just going to insert No No I know where my marriage is going, we have been married for over three decades, but what I can tell you is that this literally saved it.

I now know that this man is not an Exquisite Divine human being who deserves the best. The world has to offer and I didn't get there on my own. I got there out of curiosity, so be intentional about learning where the other site is coming from and instead of delving into your own position and duplicating it, do the opposite. Use them on his position as the beginning of your curiosity and conflict. Thank you foreigner foreigner.