The Secrets of Hostage Negotiators | Scott Tillema | TEDxNaperville

We live in a world full of people in crisis. Pick any topic and it's one angry person against another. It seems like it's becoming difficult to have a thoughtful conversation with someone who has different beliefs than us. Simple disagreements turn into heated arguments between two angry people. which often end in shouting or even violence and it's not just people, now it's groups and organizations, political parties or even entire countries. This lack of effective communication leaves us wondering how we can fix it or prevent it. I am a police officer and I have some training and experience in crisis and

hostage

negotiation.

I have been a part of some fairly complex incidents that required a positive resolution. Now I'm not a great communicator by nature. This was a skill I needed to learn, but really we all need to do it. learn the basics of crisis negotiation because whether in your job or in your relationships you will always have an argument, a conversation or a negotiation trying to convince someone of something and just because we communicate all the time doesn't mean we are good at that, I realize that some of you may have some training in business negotiation and that is important, but police officers deal with people in crisis and that adds a whole new layer of emotional complexity to any situation you see. directly as a commercial negotiation.

It may not work in a

hostage

negotiation because I can't negotiate for three or four hostages and offer to leave one or two behind and think I'm still getting a good deal and in a crisis negotiation it's not like lowering the price of a car No I can threaten to abandon the negotiation if I have someone in front of me who is suicidal and who may really need my help, so I would like to share with you four important principles of crisis and hostage negotiation, these are techniques that will lead you to greater success in your work and in your relationships.

Concepts that anyone can learn and apply in any situation. Seek first to understand when was the last time you had an argument or negotiation with someone and from the beginning you knew exactly what the other person wanted - it doesn't happen very often - a key to a successful negotiation is to slow down and learn what the other party wants. wants. In fact, we teach our

negotiators

that we don't even engage with someone until we first try to identify them. The situation we are getting into, our entire negotiation model is based on seeking to first understand, because the information I obtain before and during the negotiation will be fundamental to my success and this is no different than any negotiation or argument in which you is found.

You may be on I enjoy sports, so let me ask you a question about sports. How many points is a field goal worth? I heard three, you might be thinking three and that sounds like it might be right, but if someone's life depended on it, would you be sure? That was the correct answer, what are the consequences if you are wrong? You may have assumed I was asking you about American football, but think about our friends who might be watching this talk from somewhere in Europe and who have never seen American football but know the sport of basketball in basketball a field goal it's a shot that could be worth three points but it might just be worth too much let me share with you some experience from my work our team was called to the house of a man who was suicidal and uh I remember arriving at his house and going down the basement stairs and when I got there I turned around and I could see a man on the other side of the basement, he was about 70 years old and he was pointing a gun at my head, so I started saying my name.

It's Scott, I would like to help and I started listening and we talked a little bit and he told me that he wanted to die and I could see that he was in crisis. I could see he was serious so I listened a little more and I remember his gaze that had been fixed on the floor slowly he stood up and looked me straight in the eyes and asked me are you going to take me to the hospital and I thought this was my chance. I really wanted to help this man, so I told him. Of course we are going to take you to the hospital but at that moment I misunderstood it was like I quickly answered three when he really expected me to also say that I didn't ask the important questions first because I was in a hurry to be I understood that I hadn't realized it yet, but There was one place on Earth this man didn't want to go and that was the hospital.

We should always look first to understand, to know when to deliver your message, if you think it is the best way to persuade someone. It's getting your point across as soon as there's a pause in the conversation, well that's not real communication, you're just waiting to talk and we all know someone who's very good at that, but you're not going to influence beliefs. from no one, so who do you listen to? Even when you have an important decision in your life, whose advice do you value? Whoever it. I'm sure it's someone you have a strong relationship with, someone you know and trust, and we can allow others to know and trust us by building Rapport and once we've calmed someone down and once we've listened to someone and worked to understand it, only then can we prepare them to receive our message and do so effectively.

Now we grow our relationships by building rapport through active listening. Concepts such as minimal stimuli. yeah, mhm, okay, just letting them know you're listening or asking open-ended questions again keeps them talking, but now it allows us to direct the conversation and involves them working with us as problem solvers, mirroring or mirroring the actual words someone says I do this with my kids all the time they have no idea how to label emotions let's get to the feeling behind the words you sound sad you sound angry paraphrasing anyone can do that use messages I want to help I feel like we're making progress here o effective pauses because a pause in The right moment can draw your listener back or leave them room to continue talking Finally summaries We don't tell people I understand that's superficial Instead we show them that we understand by using our own words to summarize all the words they said with all their might. the emotion with which they said it so that we can get them to the point where they say it's right, these are active listening skills and some people throw it away and say yeah, well, I know that's the Great

negotiators

who really master this and they can do it with empathy and compassion, so in a town not far from here the police went to a man's house to arrest him, but before they could catch him, he grabbed two butcher knives and ran towards him.

On the roof they called the SWAT team to help so I get to this house and I can see it's a two story single family house and there's a man on the roof and he's got two big butcher knives right in his hand. The negotiator on this call was my partner Jeff and Jeff called this guy on the phone. He was doing a great job actively listening but we were having trouble keeping his attention, so we came up with a plan. I went to the neighbor's house. Between. I went up. to the second floor to a window closer to where this guy was on the roof and my job was to try to influence him without the first billing report and we know this should never work but I figured if I did a bad enough job With some negotiation we could maybe get him to focus on Jeff again, so in my best police voice I told him to drop the knives, put the knives down, and get off the roof.

Surprisingly, that didn't work, but it did get her to focus back on Jeff, but he wasn't there. Instead of asking Jeff for help getting off the roof, I was asking Jeff for help on how to get rid of me, but that was okay because we had their attention and it's only once we have someone's attention, we calm them down and listen to them. telling them that we can deliver our message effectively knowing when to deliver your message is not what you say but how you say it so for years when people found out that I was a hostage negotiator, they all asked me the same thing, so, what you say? people for them to turn out well there is no magic phrase for someone to turn out or if there is they have not yet told me what it is but we do know that 7% only 7% of communication is in the The real words we use, the Most of them are in our non-verbal body language and that's really hard to do when you're talking to someone on the phone and traditionally that's how we do most police negotiations, the rest of the communication is in the way you speak, your tone. or how do you say what you say why are you here not really why are you here some of you are here right now listening to me hoping to hear something insightful about negotiations or psychology or communication and I realize the rest of you are stuck with me because you couldn't find anything else to do, but if I ask you this way the same four words why are you here, you may start to think that we shouldn't be there, maybe we should be somewhere else or maybe the good speakers to the other side of the hall and we should go listen to those same four words why are you here now?

I just insulted you because it seems like the rest of us all belong here we're part of something special but you're not invited to our party it's all in how you say what you say A few years ago a man broke into a house and was looking for his ex girlfriend and started shooting her. Someone called 911 and police rushed to the house when the first officer arrived at the door. the gunman shot the police officer right there at the door, he took his ex-girlfriend hostage in the basement, they called SWAT immediately and we quickly got to that house.

My colleague Joan was our main negotiator and I had the privilege of sitting next to her. While he was doing this negotiation, the gunman said: if anyone comes in, I will shoot them and if tear gas comes in, I will shoot them. What options we have? Is there a better alternative to a negotiated agreement? At this point, we quickly realize. that we are not only negotiating to save the life of this hostage but we are doing it to protect the lives of our police officers. I think back and try to remember exactly what Jan said and I can't remember the words, but I do remember.

How she said it and delivered our message perfectly Think about your last argument or negotiation maybe one where it didn't work out so well for you How was your tone Do you remember what would happen to this hostage if we were rude or mocking? or condescending or just simple and different, even under the tremendous stress of the situation, he was able to maintain emotional control and executed a critical rule of hostage negotiators and I know that if we can do it, you can do it too, not what you say , but how. You say you know the power of respect, so it was my first negotiation.

The police were called to an apartment to investigate a domestic disturbance and when they got there they heard a woman calling for help, they heard the sound of duct tape unrolling and a bullet went into a gun and the man threatened the police officers from the other side of the door, they decided to back off and call SWAT at this point in my career, I had been a police officer for about 5 years, but it was a mark. new negotiator I've never been the person to actually conduct a negotiation until today, so right before I knocked inside and talked to this man, I remember thinking two things first: there's a woman in there and she really needs our help and if we didn't need her to do something pretty quickly, they could kill her and second, I couldn't remember any of my negotiation training.

I couldn't remember what to say and what not to say. I couldn't remember what to do. Nothing. I just hadn't practiced as much. The emphasis before my point here is that you could be taking notes right now and thank you for that and you could be coming up with a plan and a strategy on how to have a better argument, but when the time comes for your next negotiation for your next argument and You can't remember anything else about what we talked about here today Please remember this: You are talking to another human being Someone who has feelings and emotions that matter Someone who has people who love them Someone who wants to feel important Someone who doesn't want to feel stupid or ashamed someone who should be respected and I don't care if you don't think they should be respected I bet they think they should be respected and that's what matters, you know that old saying treat others how you want to be treated to you, let's treat others how they want to be treated if you have been listening to someone and working to understand them, you will know the words to say that there is tremendous power in unconditional respect and treating someone with respect. and dignity and fairness, especially when they don't expect it from you, can be the key to an amazing, amazing conversation.

Know the power of respect. It doesn't need to be agreat negotiator to do great things in your life or in the lives of others, you have tremendous power to have a profound impact at critical moments and don't just try to persuade someone of something, your words have the ability to inspire them and if they still If you don't believe in the power of these negotiation principles, remember these four. real life examples, the old man with a gun to his head, our team talked to him for 18 hours but in the end he shot himself and they told me he lived, he was given a second chance at life and I see it as my second chance too and I will never forget that we must always seek to first understand the guy with the knives at his throat, once we had his attention we were able to assure him of his safety and we knew that he was in a place that could hear us and could process that message and it was so when Jeff asked her to put down the knives and come down from the roof and she did because we knew when to deliver the message or the woman who was being held hostage in her basement, Joan did everything.

She could control how we delivered that message and I know in my heart that Joan is a big reason why that woman is alive today physically unharmed from that situation and the police officer fortunately also survived and finally my first negotiation where I couldn't remember what say who I spoke to. that man with dignity and respect and before I knew it we had reached a peaceful surrender. I believe that through our negotiation model we can improve policing, we can improve society, but first we must start by improving ourselves. These are the principles of hostage negotiation, but there is much broader than that, these are the principles of basic human relationships and once you master them, they are the principles of leadership and greatness.

Can you imagine if we lived in a world where we took the time to listen to each other and understand each other? Among ourselves and in a civilized manner, we discussed our differences and we did so with dignity and respect. Now you know the

secrets

of hostage negotiators and I promise you that the first step to changing the world can start with you, thank you.