Weekend Update: Tina Fey on Protesting After Charlottesville - SNL

♪♪♪ EXPERTS SAY IT IS POSSIBLE FOR WOMEN TO HAVE SO-CALLED SUPER-ORGASMS WITH YOGA AND PRETENDING. THIS WEEK IN NEW YORK CITY, A 98-YEAR-OLD WOMAN MARRIES A 94-YEAR-OLD MAN. THEY ARE REGISTERED AT BED BATH AND THE GREAT BEYOND. HERE GIVING A PERSONAL INSIGHT OF THE WEEKEND'S EVENTS IN CHARLOTTESVILLE, VIRGINIA IS TINA FAITH. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU COLIN AND CHE. I JUST WANT TO SAY I ALWAYS LEAVE COLIN'S SIDE BECAUSE HE'S THE BEST HALF OF MY FACE. IT IS IMPORTANT TO BE CLEAR ABOUT THAT. DO NOT BUY IT. YOU GRADUATED FROM UVA IN 1992. YES, COLIN. IT IS A BEAUTIFUL SCHOOL.

I HAVE NOTHING BUT PLEASANT MEMORIES OF MY TIME THERE. I GRADUATED A VIRGIN AND I STILL LIKE IT. THAT'S HOW GOOD THE ARCHITECTURE IS DOWN THERE. IT BROKE MY HEART TO SEE THESE FORCES OF EVIL DESCENT UPON VIRGINIA. OUR PRESIDENT, DONALD JOHN TRUMP, WHAT A STUPID NAME THAT IS. DONNY JOHN COMES OUT AND SAYS HE CONDEMNS VIOLENCE ON MANY SIDES, ON MANY SIDES, COLIN. I feel bad because, you know, I've seen Raiders of the Lost Ark and I wasn't confused. NO COLIN, NAZI'S ARE ALWAYS BAD, I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY. I'M NOT SAYING -- THEN WE HEAR THAT THERE ARE NINE MORE ALTER-RIGHT MINITES ON SATURDAY, INCLUDING ONE IN NEW YORK CITY AT WASHINGTON SQUARE PARK.

A PART OF ME HOPES THEY GET IT IN NEW YORK CITY AND GET THEM KICKED BY A HAND OF DRAG QUEENS. DO YOU KNOW WHAT A DRAG QUEEN IS? A 6'4" BLACK MAN BUT AT THE SAME TIME, I DON'T WANT ANY MORE GOOD PEOPLE TO GET HURT. I KNOW MANY OF US ARE FEELING ANXIOUS AND WONDERING WHAT CAN I DO? I'M JUST ONE PERSON, WHAT CAN I DO? DO? WOULD YOU URGED PEOPLE ON SATURDAY, INSTEAD OF PARTICIPATING IN SHOUTING MATCHES AND VIOLENCE, TO FIND A LOCAL BUSINESS TO SUPPORT, MAYBE A JEWISH BAKERY OR AN AFRICAN AMERICAN BAKERY ORDER AN AMERICAN FLAG CAKE ON IT.

THIS. AND, JUST EAT IT, COLIN. SORRY, HOW IS THAT SUPPOSED TO HELP? SORRY, WHAT? NEXT TIME WHEN YOU SEE A BUNCH OF WHITE KIDS IN POLO SHE'S SCREAMING. WHEN THEY WANT TO SCREAM, IT'S NOT OUR COUNTRY, WE STEAL IT FROM THE NATIVE AMERICANS WHEN THEY HAVE A PEACEFUL PROTEST AT STANDING ROCK, WE SHOOT THEM WITH RUBBER BULLETS, WE LET THEM MARCH THROUGH THE STREETS WITH SEMI-AUTOMATIC WEAPONS WHEN YOU WANT TO SCREAM, DON'T. SHOUT TO THE KLAN, SHOUT TO THE CAKE SO WHEN YOU COME OUT, REPUBLICANS IN BERKELEY, YOU'RE FINE, BARBIE. BUT THE OTHER SIDE IS THAT OF THE NAZIS AND THE KLAN MEMBERS.

WHO DRIVE THE CAR INTO THE CROWD, HILLARY'S EMAILS? WELL, YOU KNOW, THEY'VE ALREADY CANCELED SOME OF THE MINITES. LOOK, IT'S ALREADY WORKING. Sheet caking is a root movement, COLIN. MOST OF THE WOMEN I KNOW HAVE BEEN DOING IT ONCE A WEEK SINCE THE ELECTION. DON'T WORRY, GUYS. SOME PEOPLE IN CHARLOTTESVILLE WERE NOT MEMBERS OF THE KLAN, THEY WERE INDEPENDENT MILITANTS. ARE THERE 250 WELL-ARMED MILITIA ACROSS THE UNITED STATES READY TO MOBILE AT ANY TIME? YEAH. GUESS WHAT, THEY'RE NOT POLICE. NO. THEY ARE NOT POLICE, THEY ARE MILITIES AND THEY TRAIN. GIVE ME SOME OF THAT DAMN CAKE.

I SAY, YOU KNOW, WHERE IS PAUL RYAN IN ALL OF THIS? He's supposed to be the cool young congressman, but you don't know how to fire someone on Twitter? RACISM IS BAD@DONALD TRUMP. THEN...THEN DONNY JOHN SAYS WE NEED TO DEFEND OUR BEAUTIFUL CONFEDERATE MONUMENTS WHEN HE WOULD TAKE THEM DOWN IN A SECOND IF HE COULD Build A Bunch Of Condos On The Site. GOOGLE TRUMP TELLER AND YOUR FAMILY SAYS MOMMY YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN. YOU FEEL POWER. THIS IS WHEN YOU NEED TO DIP A GRILLED CHEESE INTO THE CAKE. ARE YOU GOING TO STAY UNTIL ALL THE CAKE IS OVER?

IN CONCLUSION, I REALLY MEAN, I ENCOURAGE ALL GOOD AND HEALTHY AMERICANS TO TREAT THESE RATES THIS WEEKEND LIKE THE OPENING OF A THOUGHT MOVIE WITH TWO FEMALE LEADS. DON'T SHOW UP. SCREAM INTO THE EMPTY AIR. I LOVE YOU CHARLOTTESVILLE. AS THOMAS JEFFERSON SAID, WHO IS THAT HOT GIRL ON THE BUTTER? TINA FEY, EVERYONE. WE WILL BE BACK WITH MORE "SUMMER EDITION WEEKEND UPDATE" AFTER THIS COMMERCIAL BREAK.