Milton Jones' BEST One Liners | Stand-Up Compilation | Jokes On Us

the topic is Health my sister has hay fever now she has diabetes so I tried to cheer her up you know flowers chocolates about a month before my grandfather died we covered his back with lard after that he went downhill very quickly recently he had the flu avian is all relative, right? You know, if I had rabies and you often had bird flu, I would bite your hand off last summer. I created a clinic for colonic irrigation, but the band hose us HIIT hard, let's see what topic we're going to pivot on. When the topic is family, one of my earliest memories is seeing my mother's face through the oven window while we were playing hide-and-seek and she said, You're getting hot.

My aunt Jean has a sister named Jean. Her daughter Jean just had a baby named. it Jean went to a club to celebrate they came to the door and the doorman said sorry, everyone's wearing trainers my grandad always complains about how much things cost £150 for a cup of tea £225 for three custards He said Look grandpa, you just showed up here. I didn't invite you. My other grandfather, he was always talking about how in the old days people could leave their back doors open, which is probably why his Marine sunk my other grandfather when he died. We did not do it.

I even got to say goodbye, which was even more touching because he drowned in a bowl of Cheerios and the theme is travel. When I was young, my mom used to put food on a spoon and she would say a train is coming, a train is coming. when a train comes we always eat it because we knew if we didn't she wouldn't untie us from the Lan railway I tried to get there by train today they said there is a bus replacement service today so I gave them a can of pineapple chunks I said what is that I said that's my money Replacement service I didn't have any money because her friend stole my high five thanks that usually doesn't work anyway I managed to borrow a car and parked it in the bus lane last year The other day I went on a hot air balloon vacation and the Another day I put on four stones.

I bought one of those all-terrain vehicles. 3,000 pounds. I got home and discovered it was a canoe. It's entertainment. The other day I was watching Blue Peter, which is a neighbor with very bad circulation. Peter said, why don't you get a pacemaker? He said I can't even run let alone keep up with anyone. I was watching TV the other day and I turned around and all I could see with the brown cushions of my soap dish was really close up, you have to be careful when watching TV, you think that guy is prettier than me, he has a better car and a cat named Jess.

My favorite movie is the French movie and I think it was released here like ET. I have to admire people who dedicate themselves to the performing arts. They have to do exercises every day for their future careers. A big problem. The theme is food. Who wants to talk about that? Milton. I recently looked for an Italian. Well, it was bothering me. It's incredible to think that it is like that. Didn't all Scots start out as a cold, gingery Scotch egg? The other day I was roasting some tomatoes and I said who are you, where do you come from?

I almost joined the SAS. I failed one question, they said, "well, go figure." scenario the terrorists have taken hostages they are being held in an embassy what are your preferred tactics? I said: I like orange. The other day I was in the park watching an old man feed the birds and after a while I thought: I wonder. How long has he been dead when the kids on the playground discovered he had a life-threatening peanut allergy? They used to push me against a wall and make me play Russian roulette with a bag of Revels and the topic is careers at University I.

I studied Agriculture and Communication specializing in sheep in the end I dated a baa after that I set up the British sheep census but I fell asleep halfway through that at the end of the day my dad is always pulling out all the plugs and turning I turned off all the lights very safety conscious why he got fired from air traffic control. My nephew wants to be an accountant when he grows up, so for his birthday I bought him a big bag of receipts, so listen, don't worry if you don't. I do not like. I have saved all the gifts.

You know, when you're a pirate and you work mainly on channels. It's annoying, isn't it when you try to get one of your enemies to walk the plank and they just run off down the path? Note G, the state of the toe road near us, I wouldn't bring it up, they are related, the scariest thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life was when I was very little, my dad said, I'm just going to go up the stairs and he went up the stairs and exploded. I didn't talk to my dad. Well, he was a bus driver.

You are not allowed to go to my brother. He's allergic to cheese, not the flavor, just if someone says the right word, it doesn't happen very often, but. we have some weird family photos my grandad was a soldier and was in the RAF well he was a giraffe during the war when board games were illegal he was jailed for being a yachy sympathizer my uncle was a security guard at the O2 Arena uh the thing It's nationality, if you're addicted to meth, or you're an alcoholic, or you're a South African with a real love for numbers, you have a friend who was caught shoplifting in Saudi Arabia, fortunately, he had a prosthetic hand stolen.

It was a second fence, so I'm in France and I saw this little old lady knitting in the town square. I said V Vu crochet. She used to teach English in Germany on the first day. I taught them everything starting with a second day. It all started with B. The day was a bit complicated so I'm in a nightclub in tran all these women dancing around a bag singing Iranian men Hallelujah recently I called the spiritual leader of Tibet, he sent me a big goat with a long neck, It turned out that I would call say a call the topic is employment I used to dream about having a job sometimes I go down to the bottle bench and put my arms through the holes and pretend I was working in nuclear processing I lost my job as a prison officer because organize a lock I only had a job as an architect, but apparently a revolving mosque makes it difficult to get to Mecca my first day working on a construction site I was sure someone would ask me to go look for something that didn't actually exist.

I know like scratched paint or something, sure enough, someone asked me to go get an air ambulance. Well, I played them at their own game, took my time and said, "Oh no, I just couldn't find one, you should have seen the face on him." blue years ago of course I used to provide filofaxes for the mafia, yes I was involved in very organized crime, the issue is family, my whole family is black and white. I found my dad the other day, he told me that you left the room before he finished talking. He wanted you to go to Holland and Barrett and get me some tablets.

Where are you now? Holland said. He always left the room before my father finished speaking. Do you remember he once said: Why don't you go out and jump on the trampoline? I didn't listen to Alen. My grandfather finally achieved his lifelong ambition of being a lion whisperer just before he died. Ash failed my mother. She now he has arrived at the stage where all he does is talk about who just died. Do you remember Muriel? She is. I just died, remember AR? He's just a I said mom, get off the roof and give me the gun and the topic is entertainment.

I'm reading a book right now. It's called anticlimax. The first part is good. I see Rihanna had to cancel. a concert because she got Salon Ella Ella Ella I also see below because of the times that they are making another ferris wheel this time dedicated to Mary po called London um hey my grandmother got stuck in one of those ferris wheels but she recovered Consciousness after everything that happens Me I was in a play once I was the man who scares the children because he comes to the hall on the wrong day to play badminton Lionel Richie says hello by the way the other day I saw a sheep dancing on a pole in a kebab shop and the theme is work.

I didn't think I would get a loan from the bank for my business, but when I showed up wearing one of the clavvs I used to be a meteorologist, in fact, anyone? buy a broken barometer without pressure If there had been a mix up, my uncle could have ended up as the next president of the United States, he is an undertaker in the army or MMA soldiers of course, very emotionally repressed, sometimes you see one of They walk into the middle of a parade ground and shout attention what he needs is a hug well that's what I thought my dad was a soldier so of course as a family we always move a lot because he used to use us for target practice 6 hours I had to waiting the other day for the electrician until he opened the closet under the stairs and I could JUMP on it.

I remember when he was a police officer they asked me to seal an area and I went and did it. It's medicine I have to go to the pharmacy soon to pick up my prescription not in the world Q since last time those pills were very difficult to swallow recently I went to chiropractors or as they call them in the capital of Egypt the doctor put my back I was trying to shoot horses but it turns out that the World Health Organization is not trying to eradicate Polo. My dad was a doctor. My mother was a nurse.

They had six children. We all left home early. Well, they needed the beds. I remember the birthday. I asked for. I waited 3 years for that game Operation. I was talking to a nurse the other day. She said the main problem facing the NHS is HBY City. In fact, she could have said that the issue with obesity is transportation, so she was on the bus the other day. The driver stopped and got out. apparently some guy with big teeth kept talking to him before that, although I heard a siren on the bus, she said I like sitting on the beach, but my other half likes swimming anyway, reading between the lines is dangerous If you're waiting for a train anyway I did a show in Liverpool recently and then a guy came up to me and said hey listen I want to talk.

I told him let's continue practicing next month. I'm in Northern Ireland. County Down 4 3 2 I don't. I don't need a relationship I'm a rock I'm an island Sometimes I go down to the arrivals terminal at the airport and I'm left with a piece of cardboard saying "Nobody, well, that's what I did until I had to take a Mr. Noon and someone we don't listen to music". I don't know much about Galileo. He was a poor boy from a poor family. I live in a grade two listed building, which of course means that everyone there has to be pretty good at the piano.

Apparently all Chinese children are learning to play the piano. a song called knife and fork I would like to take the band Abba to lunch and if I could, I would go with my friend Fernando when I was at school and it was raining, we had to stay home to play wet and when it was cold. we used to have to stay home and listen to this really boring band ad79 Julia Caesar gets the first weather forecast hey C and it's work Milton, have you noticed that if you Google the phrase lost medieval servant it says this page doesn't Can it be found at some point? of you are going to do that tomorrow.

I think if I were opening a Pizza Express, I'd open it next to a Vision Express, so we got some of their customers by mistake. I think if I had unlimited money, I would hire two. private investigators and have them follow each other. Do you ever get that thing where you think someone is probably wearing a wig and think, Sorry, your honor? I'm a bit of a lazy writer according to my kids, Querty and F12. a physical education teacher, that's easy, isn't it brilliant? I teach how to run, how to run, I teach how to swim, how to swim and a little geography joke, the issue is buying, complicated, isn't it like that when you go to buy a toaster and at the end the salesperson?

He says well what happens with the insurance and you don't want to but you end up taking a hostage recently I bought the autobiography of Franchesco cell the man who invented celluloid eh but I didn't find the beginning so you know if you want to confuse a girl The

best

I can do is buy her a pair of chocolate colored shoes, so I took my suitcases and clothes to Tesco because they say they help you caress your bags. Instead, everyone was running around saying, "I want some fruit and vegetables. I want some fruit and vegetables." I want some fruit It turns out that I was one of those hypermarkets, what else can I tell you about myself?

I have a small zoo and a pirate ship, although not at the same time. I didn't buy that much Lego. I mean, we think about pirates. like they're all smiling and it turns out that they're actually all Somalis. Now the issue is transportation. When I was in school, my bike broke down. It was my fault. "There, this over and over again, said my driving instructor, pointing to the badger. Apparently, there's actually a road in the north of England called Quality Street. There's only one person living on it and he's Turkish and charming, isn't he?" ?" You're both a moth and a sea captain in charge of a ship, but up ahead you see a lighthouse, you know you shouldn't.

Toilets on trains are rubbish, aren't they especially the ones right in front? And the guy there gets really angry. The issue is safety where you are going, likeI told the old man who was wearing camouflage and was on crutches and who stole my wallet earlier, you can hide but you can't run, of course, these days a lot of people are putting poison on the menu. from restaurants in the hope that the French will think it's fish my father's answer to everything was alcohol which he didn't drink he was simply very bad at exams I only have access to my son on Saturdays when he fell under the floor of a synagogue and I would like to see a world without plagiarism, you can say that I am a dreamer but I am not the only one you see.

My friends, if I had a crystal ball, I would sit very carefully. They say that putting mud on your face is good for your skin, but the other day I saw a sign that said sewage treatment works, believe me, it doesn't work and the

best

thing is school, so the other day I went to a greengrocer and behind it was my old math teacher, he didn't recognize me, he said can I help ?, I said yeah, if apples are worth 75, you know, he just looked at me and said, I thought, oh no, it was PE. Weren't they music teachers?

They were rubbish then, they could only count to four and then they would try to distract you with some music. A carpentry teacher always said that my door is always open, we said that I haven't fixed it yet. I went back to my old one the other day at school it was strange being back there the smell of varnish the echo of the science room the hall of the hall the memory of the fire trucks anyway they took me to Phoenix Hall uh what no was there in my time my old math teacher said Yo Jones, how did you do it?

I said I used that old formula. As many times as I can, he said that's why you're dressed like a Mexican. The thing is transportation, so I got here by train for the entire trip. There was a child in front screaming. I could even hear it through my wolf mask, but it was a quiet car and people were getting annoying, so eventually we both stopped howling and then a stewardess got on the train, looked at me and said, do you mind if I makeup? the train I said well, it will still look like a train won't it?

She extended her hand and said I'm Amber. I said yes, I think you went overboard with the makeup anyway, one thing led to another and well, I'm I'm going to jump a little now I was sitting in traffic the other day and I got hit and the topic is history some things in history they are good some things are bad uh some things are good and then they turn bad like my great-great-grandfather He was bored in the trenches during the war so Ed wore the HIZ jacket, that was the last thing he did. People don't really under

stand

evolution.

He was talking to an Australian the other day and thought he had come from Darwin recently. I wrote a book called All the Things I've Ever Done in My Whole Life and I don't want to spoil it, but in the end I write a book, so what has two eyes and smokes Pompeii too soon, my grandfather can't do it. which used to bomb the Japanese and it turns out you can't actually keep an artifact you find with a metal detector if it's already in the British Museum and the point is to travel there, so I'm in Brazil and I bought some fruit from some indigenous people and they turned around and said that people who bought fruits on Amazon also bought these sausages.

I don't know if you've ever fallen asleep while eating a bowl of broccoli and woken up thinking you were in a forest, what's worse than that is falling asleep in a forest, waking up and trying to finish the broccoli. The Paris metro, which is the strangest Tesco I've been to at Easter, is a difficult place to find, but it's in a different place each time. year, the strangest thing I've ever seen, although I was reading and saw this hem party, thanks, that usually doesn't work and the theme is Fatherhood, go away, Milton. I went back to my parents' house the other day, looked at my neighbor's garden. where I used to steal apples when I was a kid they didn't care that I stole apples I was dressing up as a little boy they thought I came from a family of auctioneers there's my mom my dad my uncle Phillip aunt has my grandpa dying going I told my dad I'm still making mistakes he said you're talking to the wrong person I said oh no again no he said well it wasn't that bad like the Uber driver the other day fell asleep so Calvin Klein's mom tagged all the other pants when she was born my daughter had jaundice like that that there she was small, round and yellow we called her Melanie apparently I didn't even show up at one of my children's baptisms according to one of them they will remain anonymous and the topic is shopping Those reward cards are garbage, don't they have too many points in one of them?

And now I can't drive. It is very important that if you buy something, of course, you read all the instructions. C. I don't know if you've ever done it. I tried filling a baboon with helium prit is not the best lip balm I have ever used. I can not complain. Southern Comfort tastes good, normal and ordinary. Comfort tastes like fabric softness, but at least your burp smell from Summer Meadows when I was in the United States. I got into the culture, so I walked into a store and the guy told me to have a good day and I didn't, so I sued him.

The issue is communication. It's not a good day. Today no one came to the first meeting of my Sarcasm Club despite the charges. of people saying how much they were looking forward to it. Do you ever do that when you're on the phone? You lower it. No, you lower it. No, you lower it. Listen, you're a qualified vet and he's an old dog. Do you know it was very cold the other day in the city of Chester when I ordered a taxi and ended up in Chichester? The only bright spot of the trip was seeing a car going the wrong way with the seat belt around a kebab, my wife and If we argued, sometimes you left the lid up, you left the lid up, yes, but what if it's a man the next person to use the bathroom? it's a pedal container it's a pedal container it was her birthday recently I took her to an orchard in Somerset we stayed for about 20 minutes, it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted, thank you very much, no