Jimmy Carr: Making People Laugh (2010) FULL SHOW | Jokes On Us

Oh well, you seem more excited than I am and I've seen the

show

. Good manners are disappearing. When I was a boy it was considered good manners to touch a lady on the head before ejaculating. I know you know why boys wear their pants too low. without a belt it's because they're dicks true story I tried to commit suicide once I was pretty close I killed the guy next to me okay it was goth that's what you would have wanted anything my girlfriend says men I always think yes, that's the alternative oh, Well, sorry, pitcher, right over here, just shoot, yeah, you know you're in class, go, don't be, someone pays you 22.50 to tell you to go, thank you, oh, and I'll fill your boots, um on average in the northern hemisphere.

January is the coldest month of the year, but if you were in Australia you would be surrounded by Australians who would welcome you. I'll tell you why there is no women's boxing, the weigh-in and the fight would be done right then and there for every square inch of head. Redheads have 750 fewer friends than normal

people

. Are there redheads? I think there is more if I look the other way. Why say that I left your fat cow? A lot of

people

like to smoke cigarettes after sex, but you can't buy cigarettes until you're 16, so I have to get them for both of us.

You think it's wrong. I'm buying cigarettes from a 15-year-old girl. You think it's wrong. I'm kidding, kidding, it sounds like a verb for child abuse. No joke, you are joking or touching the children. Women say they want their ideal man to be the type of man who enjoys long walks in the countryside. Women say they want their ideal man to be the type of man they will accept. controls the type of man who isn't afraid to take some risks basically what you're saying ladies is that your ideal man is a rapist and it's true that if you're a rapist you pretty much have your choice of women it's funny because it's true I would start with some

jokes

.

Claus, don't talk too much. I'll pause to breathe and say hello. How are you this evening? Glasgow. Are you okay as an angry mob? But I guess well, I thought we'd start off right. We're in a beautiful room, the armadillo in Glasgow, fucking wonderful, I thought we'd start things off right, yeah, 'cause everyone's dressed up, it's Saturday night, let's start things off right, let's have a round of applause for the ladies, let's have a round, yes, let's have a round one, of course, yes, yes, very good, yes, actually, it's crazy, it's probably enough to look around.

Some of them have not made any effort, oh bless. No, lie, I thought you would come in. I haven't made much effort, well there are some cameras and some lights. I don't know what you had in mind, it's not that I come to your work and not the sailors that come out of your mouth, it seems a very strange thing for a rather tough looking Glasgow man to say that I haven't given it much thought. an effort I thought you would be dressed prettier foreign rape coming for you sir that's what it feels like my point there is incredible pressure on women these days to be beautiful and thin and all I can say is that we have some very brave girls here tonight, great stuff, there are some stunning looking women here tonight and some proper dogs, you know who you are.

I'm kidding, no one here is impressive, huh, it's okay to make those kinds of

jokes

in comedy. because no one really cares because every once in a while someone says, oh yeah, comedy, it's the new rock and roll, it's not. I'll tell you how you can tell that comedy is not rock and roll, there are no groupies in comedy, there are groupies in rock and roll. There are no groupies in comedy, what girl likes comedy so much? She will come backstage and suck me off. She could be a premature end to the

show

. Have it washed and brought to my room.

I'm kidding, don't wash her to make her stand up. she's going to come backstage and suck me off just so she can leave that tastes weird it's a really fun job this is the only thing I do for a living Glasgow I travel all over the country I meet large groups of people with the same sense of humor that I and then I tell them jokes at night it's a lovely thing to do it means I can go everywhere any Irish in oh a few not so many sounds like the roads in Glasgow are almost finished I was in I was in Dublin recently doing a show and I was there with a friend spending the day in Dublin, which could be better and he dared me to say this at the end of the show, so right at the end of the show I went to Dublin.

I don't know much about Irish politics, that was pretty much his reaction, a couple of thousand people went. I bet not, no. I told him I don't know much about it, but he dared me to do it, so I had to say I said I don't know much about Irish politics, I just think we should have an Island United, they were standing in Dublin, this guy is fine and then I added an Island United under British rule, it was all Welsh in any The Welsh is just one, we seem to have contained the problem. I love the Welsh.

I really like it every time I go to Wales. I have fun. The people are very friendly, but it bothers me every time I go to Wales, not because of the people. by the signs all the signs and Miles, have you been there? all signs road signs tourist information shop signs every sign has to be in English manned Welsh all English Welsh man is ridiculous because it costs a fortune to make and only five per cent of the population of Wales can read properly I like to think of myself as a violator of equal opportunities we have done it with the Irish we have done it with the Welsh any Scottish people imagine my surprise here is a question for you my Scottish friends, if you are a homeless alcoholic Scott and you had Tourette's, how were you going to know England?

I was there recently and didn't realize it was meant to be tough, but Nottingham. I didn't realize that Nottingham is the gun capital of Britain. I tell you what Nottingham needs, Sheriff. Quite a silly joke, there are scouters there, well, there are some there, okay, hello, slimy, well, no, what do you do? Oh, sorry, I forgot your Scouts there for a second. I apologize, I'm not going to try it in Liverpool. I love scousers. It's a great place to do a concert. It has this. It has a similar feel to Glasgow in terms of people. They interrupt a lot.

They join. They are quite willing to do it. A good sense of humor. I love the crowd of scousers. although let's say this about Liverpool Liverpool is the only city in Britain where JD Sports has an eveningwear department store, it will interest Mattum in an off-white tracksuit I always make a little effort when I travel around the country when doing this job I always make a little effort to get the accent from wherever you are and I think generally people take it pretty well, they like the fact that you've made a bit of effort but sometimes people get irritable if you don't understand exactly good.

I was approached by a guy who was doing a gig in the north of England and this guy came up to me after the show quite aggressively, yeah he said to me, "Okay our son, I don't think you did it." I have some respect for this city. Try to do the voice. We don't even talk like that. The bad. I said no. You misunderstood me. I love Newcastle. I have a friend who got into a fight with a bar made of In a nutshell, Sunderland ended up calling her a fat, ugly Geordie and she said: I'm newer Jordy, sorry it's a terrible accent but that's how they talk.

I am always impressed when I travel by the place where I arrived. train and I am very impressed with anyone who can get on the train, maybe some of you can do this. Can any of you get on a train and you don't have to ask if it's the right train? I can not do it. that every time I get on a train I always have to find someone who looks like an adult to me, wow, is this the right one? This is the one in Glasgow and we all know the answer because we've all been asked for a boob like me, the answer is always hope, hope, so I started doing it on planes.

I went on vacation recently and they told me that yes, at the hotel, while on vacation, they had special things in a pool that turns the water purple if you peed in the pool, so I didn't pee in the pool. I didn't realize they had things they had things for, but they clearly did because they were on me almost immediately. I told them it was a brown shark and they didn't have anything like that. a fat vegetarian I thought well done all that in salad you go girl every time I cook I always make sure they are vegetarian options they can cope or they can do it women have a government for overreacting to the male flu but I think it's AIDS it's pretty serious near where I live in north London there are hamster teeth I don't know if you've heard of hamster teeth but there are toilets on Hampstead Heath there are Parklands which are famous for gay cruising this is where the gay guys go in the North London to pick up other gay guys for one night the toilets with hamster teeth now I live near there here's my question what happens if you just want to pee you're screwed yes you can

laugh

I found out the hard way the hard way not the phrase to use is: I have a lot of gay friends and I'm sure there are a lot of gay men tonight, some certainly not over.

Are there gay men keeping calm in Glasgow? Well, I have a lot of gay friends. I'm sure there are some gay men in tonight. How do you decide who goes where in a gay relationship? Because when it's a man and a woman you know what's good, don't you? the moment, apart from birthdays and Christmas, was a good push, I told you it was normal, but if they are two boys, because they are two boys, he likes to call the shotgun in the car because it bothers me if my friend sits in The front. I'd be furious if I had to shove his up my ass.

That's the face. Do you know how to tell if someone is gay in Glasgow? Do you know how to tell yourself? You know when you meet a fancy lady like a fancy lady is drinking tea. a cup and saucer and she'll do the thing with her pinky she'll do the delicious Morag another school he's Scottish you know she should do the thing with her pinky when she's drinking tea well if a guy does that when he's sucking you Well you're sucking on that like a perfume. Bender Ike, don't get the wrong idea. Glasgow, I'm not homophobic.

Anyone who says I'm homophobic can suck me off, as long as they're not a dude, because that's not natural and I. I think I should be allowed to tell these jokes because although I have never had sex with a man, I have a girl who is ugly enough to count as a foreign man. My friend Louise told me that recently, we were just chatting about nothing and she came out of nowhere, she just she left I have never slept with an ugly man but I have woken up with some so I said I said I have never slept with an ugly girl but I have some in parking lots I'm sorry I must clarify that parking is just what I call the vagina by my name don't you you see not at all happy with the euphemism parking for the vajayjay I'm not offending anyone tonight I'm not sure what the least probably the least offensive term probably from below, so from here on out we'll call it a front and a rear that has me Seen Glasgow before, who's been to one of my shows before.

Yes, well, you know that I always stay at the end of the program and greet people, frankly, the least I can do on a day off and the question they always ask me, often they don't phrase it like that, they will say what's wrong with you , so with everything tonight, what could be a fun thing to do is take you on a little guided tour inside my mind. I have taken some photos to illustrate. Now I'll show you what's really happening here. Oh yeah, sorry, I just noticed a few. I just noticed some people wearing masks of my face in what could only be described as a strange incident.

Why do you have a magic mask? Could you hold it up so you could turn it around so other people can see? how strange that is, you know what the old thing is about that? I was looking at you because of a sound he was

making

that seemed familiar. That's something about waiting. I usually shave when this happens. Well, thanks for scaring me on the DVD disc. I really appreciate it What's your name Adam Claire and what did you do? Claire depends on the guy, probably if it's a one night stand you really let your hair down.

What did you do? Claire, you are a student. a student Oh, that's the free time to make comedian face masks and who are you here with who is your friend is she your special friend special friends do you sometimes wear the mask and wear a strap and pretend like you're doing it? like normal people, yeah, sorry, that's how I

laugh

, it sounds like Elmo is being tickled or a seal is being sexually abused. Well, thank you very much for winning the money, thank you for

making

a fuss about me, right? Sorry, I was going to say you want to.

To guide your tour of my mind, we'll start with some thoughts that are me thinking, well, it's not clear, it's not that I don't really like the term. I find it a bit aggressive. I prefer to say grow a tail. It is nice. Be kind, aren't these some thoughts for theGlasgow white van drivers? I don't know, they think they own the road with their flashing lights and sirens. Oh, there's been an accident. They will, of course, be what they never do in soap operas. is watching television and that's because they would see all their friends dead on the bill.

Did you just see AIDS? Wait every time I see liquor on the back of a car saying princess on board, it always makes me think of Diana. I always think about Don Don't bother Prince Philip, you'll be fine, oh I didn't kill her, don't give me a hard time, what superpower would I most like to have? I've given that a lot of thought. I thought a lot, I think that's the kind of thing where men think a lot about which superpower would be better. I think invisibility would be the best superpower to have and really the question is, if I were invisible, what would I do second?

I think we all know it. What would you do first? Let's face it, if it were invisible. They believe the women's locker rooms were haunted. Where does all this ectoplasm come from? Something just hit me in the head. Good manners cost nothing. Some of my thoughts with Glasgow tonight. Yes, I would. I would like to share some ideas with all of you good people. I'm working on a book right now. I'm working on a book. It's about a zombie coming back from the dead, but the twist is that the zombie is the good guy, but apparently.

It's already done. It's called the Bible. It's annoying, isn't it? I've had an idea for a TV show It's called Jim Will Fix It It's just me spaying cats The first guy to convince a blind person they needed sunglasses He must have been A great salesman or trouble in the world, so I like it solve problems a little every day, try to make the world a little better place. British women, that's you ladies, British women spent £280 million last year removing unwanted body hair. It would be cheaper and easier to move to Germany if you are worried about gaining a few extra pounds and want to be ready for next summer with your beach body.

Why don't you visit Somalia and get some perspective? There are people with real problems, fat cow, I have solved another problem, it is just a small thing, but small and often solving problems is probably the best way to do it and I have invented a bird table for my back garden, it measures a meter high and save a fortune on cat food. I tell them who I think should join the neighborhood watch and the peeping toms. A marriage made in heaven and it would add a whole new dimension to the term curtain movement because the current movement could mean checking on the neighbors to see that everything is okay or curtain moving female masturbation I feel like we have crossed a line only in Glasgow definitely we've crossed the line the facts inside our heads have something to do with living in this internet age uh the brits are at least an inch taller than we were 20 years ago and that's because 20 years ago we were all kids , many people use their mobile phone to cheat on their partner.

I use Mr tinkle to tickle him. It's just a silly name I gave my banana belly, thanks to most of the bingo winners. don't tell your other halves about your windfall and that's because your husbands are dead. There are 427 licensed professional jockeys currently working in the UK. If you placed them all end to end, they would extend from here to here. An iguana can stay underwater for 28 minutes or more if you don't mind it dying lol interesting little fact for you obsessive Star Trek fans are known as sorry you're a big Star Trek fan but how many years old are you?

Do you mind if I ask you? It seems like I'm sorry 20 right, so I'm definitely not a virgin in Glasgow what do you do? You are a secretary. nice, are they 19? 50 is already in touch, okay, super, have you seen a bit chippy oh, it's Glasgow, sorry. I love to chat more but I'm at work. Oh, you went for that cute one. What a lady. Let's talk about language. I'm a little obsessed with language. I spend my life traveling with it, playing with it and trying to, you know, write. jokes for you good people to laugh many people do not like it when the language changes many people do not like it do not like Starbucks for example because what was small medium and large is now tall Grande and venti of course, the fact that I'm tall now, this has taken away a lot of the stigma, a lot of people change the language they use so as not to offend certain interest groups or individuals, which is fair enough, you know how touchy-feely gay people are. it ruined some things you can't say fruit salad anymore it's gay salad now which is mental because all salad is gay you have to be very careful how you express yourself because you could be saying the same thing but if you choose the wrong word you could cause a fence without realize I'll give you an example I'll read you two sentences the first is completely harmless the second well, it could be misinterpreted I know the sky to defend itself but they both say the same thing interesting I fell in a hedge I cut my face and I can only partially remember the night it's okay Isn't that much better than saying I fell into a bush I have a cut on my face and I can only remember fragments it's not motherhood motherhood makes it seem You will be fat forever and some of you will be your greatest successes.

Let's talk about fears. Our subconscious mind. That's a pretty interesting area. It is not like this? Yes, the best way to overcome your fear of spiders is the next time you see one. Imagine him naked. Has anyone had a morbid fear of spiders like someone was going there? Oh, your brother does, but that's how it will be. Well, he is here. It wasn't just a coincidence. I don't have a phobia, but my brother maybe has you. Could you help with that Kyle and you speak for him when you say your brother you're not from Paisley you're not going out or anything I know I'm just asking because what did you do Carl what's Tony nothing?

Now it's a new Kyle and I are working in a workshop. We are creating a new children's character for Scotland. He's not called. Nothing to know about the unemployed donkey. What do you do for a living? You are unemployed. Very good, good, it was lovely. to have you here, especially in view of the fact that many taxpayers pay for your beer, yes, let's face it, we are in Glasgow, there are many people clapping who have never paid any tax in their lives. Hey, there are taxes on spirits. It's there and what I would like to do, Carl, is my gift to you, give back to the community, not just take care of it.

I would like to cure you of your spiritual spiders. You prepare for this like Darren Brown. Style with a kind of hypnosis cure your fear responders you offer this fabulous it's okay because it's happening well imagine Carl, you're at home in bed under the duvet, as comfortable as a bug on a rug and you're dreaming about what unemployed people dream about in Glasgow. I don't know if I'll be on social media for a few more years, oh, you know, oh, and then I signed my name and the check keeps coming, oh, okay, so you're home in bed, other than what I'm saying is that you are in the safest and most secure environment you could possibly be in you are under the duvet safe and protected all um a spider Kyle the size of my hand big hairy crawls on your face how you like to sleep doesn't wake you up car you're still dreaming about nice, fast things and the like just sit there for a while on the face of your car while you sleep, lazy tags in your tear ducts and scurrying towards their huge giant spider nest under your bed, where he lives, you can check later if you want, can you wake up?

I wake up in the morning fresh as a daisy, beautiful, ready for a busy day. Well, you're awake anyway. Paper. Know. It's a strange itch. A thousand spiders. They touch up your eyes. That helped everything. any comfort is just Carl it doesn't matter Franklin D. Roosevelt famously said: there is nothing to fear but fear itself, of course he is dead, now he was killed by a spider. Worry and I'm sure many of you share my concerns. I am concerned about climate change. change or give it its official scientific name Autumn or carbon emissions than we used to have in the 1970s, but could be cut in half if they were simply divided by two, really worries me and I'm sure Kyle will be thinking about this .

It is completely justified. I'm worried about going crazy. I have a friend who went crazy last year and ended up committing suicide. He took everything that was in the medicine cabinet. He choked on a surgical bandage. That's not how he would do it if I were going to kill myself. I know what I would do. I don't want to be with Glasgow anymore but I know how I do it. I would dress up as Superman and jump off the top of a building. How wonderful that would be. And I would do it at four. 'on the afternoon clock during term time because you'd want a couple of hundred kids to say wow Superman and then well father for justice, rape, such a harsh word that I prefer to say when Chase's kiss goes too far and What exactly is aggravated rape, well, no. he just raped me no, I missed the bus on the bright side at least with Rohypnol no bad memories abroad let's talk about childhood in Glasgow yes, childhood memories childhood thoughts yes, one in ten British children have never been on a beach in this country, imagine growing up never having seen a dead cormorant with a tampon in its head when I was a kid I wanted to get a tattoo but my parents said I had to get it somewhere it didn't matter so I got it in Hull.

Anyone here from Hull doesn't matter. This is something interesting. It's strange. You can have sex in this country when you're 16, but you can't buy porn until you're 18. That's a strange law, isn't it? You can have sex when you're 16, but you can't watch other people have sex for another two years, so if you're 16 you can have sex, but don't look down, let's talk about faith and spirituality, an important part of our psyches, I'm sure you'll agree. Christians say there may be Christians tonight. Christians say that Jesus died for your sins. Be good. I say he is already dead.

What are you going to do? Die or fill your boots, friend, even if he died for you. sins and you don't commit any sins, you've made it look good. I don't believe in the Paranormal per se, but I have a spiritual guide. Well, I say spiritual guide. You could call it a satnav. The paranormal is actually derived. from the Greek for, which means you're not normal, let's talk about travel, yes, the main reason Americans are the best, the main reason Americans don't have passports is because they have trouble fitting in the photo booth, luckily he developed some work on Google Earth which is a complicated way of saying there is a place called Scotland, really good luck of course not all Scots are alcoholics, many of you are recovering alcoholics with drug problems.

Let's face it Glasgow, if the Scots ever find a way to fried whiskey you're an interesting little fact for you Hopscotch was originally invented in Glasgow by kids trying to get past alcoholic parents true story let's talk about some silly things I see a lot silly things around I see a lot of silly signs I was in a supermarket I saw a sign that said buy two get one free I only wanted one so for the free I don't want to brag about my showbiz lifestyle but I was in a Yates's Wine Lodge, yes, I was in a Yates's Wine Lodge. and I talked to the waitress and asked her how many types of wine they made at Yates's Wine Lodge and she said they were both foreigners, let's talk about some important social issues.

There's a guy I work with and every day he has what looks like fish fingers. I think he was in a fire, don't tell me that's too brutal for Glasgow, most house fires only need four things to start an oxygen source, a heat source, gambling debts and an up to date insurance certificate. I hate people who make loud noises on public transport particularly annoying explosions I got into an argument I said women have a lower pain threshold than men she said try to give birth I said I have How do you think I managed it? HS is currently underfunded so couples who want IVF treatment help them conceive are told to leave and themselves remember that dogs die in hot cars or a hard blow to the back of the head will work just as well. , that's really what did you good.

I came home the other night, my girlfriend was dressed as a French maid, very disappointed, the house was a disgusting state, well, let's talk about love, romance and sex. Let's talk about sex in Glasgow. That's a very common belief that men think about sex every seven seconds, which I think makes talking to your dad creepy British. Men spend an average of 22 minutes on foreplay, of course, spread out among all of us over the course of a year. Women who read romance novels have twice as much sex as men.national average. When I say sex, what I mean is that they perform twice as well.

He presses the softness of her silky feminine innocence against the crushing firmness of her intention. Sorry, I ran into all the Catherine Cooks there, not a good phrase to use. It would be like painting the fourth bridge. A foreign person has two pounds of meat lodged in his colon. So come on, love, of course, most people don't know this, but the confetti, you know, the confetti you get at a wedding, the confetti represents the fertility in the seed of man, which is pretty accurate. because a lot ends up in the bride's hair that women have. a government because we are not good at multitasking, but then you can try it, since when we pee in the shower it's like we can't win talking about multitasking.

I had a threesome last week, my girlfriend is great, but if she finds out about this, I'm in trouble, I had a threesome, I know you're probably thinking, yeah, you're probably a girl and another guy, no, we're actually two guys and I, yeah, well, that seems like it's enough from the inside of my head, we should leave it there. for now let's leave it there for now wonderful right, do you ever do this Glasgow thing? Have you ever been asked to wash the dishes and you do it really poorly on purpose so they never ask you again?

Do you do that with my girlfriend? Seriously, it sucks and it's not just me, many of my friends have commented that my girlfriend likes to have the lights on during sex, yes, because she likes to be able to read, which I think is something that should be encouraged in a girl her age. Just kidding, she's actually afraid of the darkness that divides people, isn't she? Some people like the lights in some places. people always have to have the lights off I like the lights on during sex my best friend likes to have the lights off and that's fair, his wife is a pig my girlfriend and I do a little role playing in the bedroom I pretend to be a dark Italian lothario and she pretends to be asleep and she also gets quite into it sometimes she's there for seven or eight hours.

I'm actually quite conservative sexually. I tried SNM once, why say I tried SNM? I punched a girl who is in a long term relationship, let us know if you are in a long term relationship, yes, a lot of us to see, okay, what you will know, like I know, in a relationship to Long term it's about compromise, it's about finding common ground because if both of you are not happy neither of you can be happy regardless no one is happy when the other half has a face oh yeah so you have to find that Common Ground this is a good example of commitment from my life this happens a lot in our house I want to go out at night yes a night out she wants a romantic night so as a commitment we are going to chase we don't.

I suggested having sex outside once and she said, What if someone comes? I told him we will do it. Go home, okay, tonight you represent the men of Britain. Okay, I have a question for you gentlemen, has any man in this room ever used the phrase make love? making love making love you know why it's called making love it's because we're going to force you to make it love thank you very much right I was stopped by one of those charity muggers you know, the ones with the clipboard on the High Street and you think I dodged it and then there is enough teamwork.

I don't know how they do it anyway. I was arrested. They cornered me. I saw a homeless man with a dog tied to a piece of rope, classic, look for a homeless man and I was walking around the house, the man of the house said could you give you some money for food? and my friend said, eat the dog and then we'll talk. I thought it was hard. He was joking. To tell the truth, there were no friends there. I said. I was just checking to see. At first I thought it was funny. I do a lot of concerts for people less fortunate than me and only at the end. week I was in Stoke for those of you who don't know the English equivalent of Dundee.

Are there people from Dundee? Oh, there are some girls from Dundee. That's good because I have money for fries and I wouldn't mind. sex, other Dundee girls clapped that you're going, yeah, five tokens, I should do my impression of me seducing a Dundee girl, so that's all you need. Wonderful, now listen, this is what the show is about, but I was going briefly. To tell you about something I'm doing right now means a lot to me and I was just going to take a moment of your time. I started a little charity, a little thing of my own, and it's going really well, but I didn't want to put anything on big screens or put up flyers or anything on the show.

I was just going to tell you briefly what the charity I've set up does and then if you want to get involved you could do so. just google it, but it's not really what the night is about, the night is just about laughing, but I thought maybe I'm sorry I'm killing it now, but you can look it up and google it if you want to say that you know because I could be proactive instead of forcing it because people get bored of that. Well, what we do is send obese children to the rainforest. I don't mind if you laugh because we are already seeing fabulous results and if you want to be part of that, it is feeding the tigers.com Their faces light up, not the children, obviously, they are petrified, although it is quite ironically funny to see them trying to Run away, you're a little late for cardiovascular disease, now you should have thought about that when you were waddling. to Greg, fat man thanks flood the flood is pretty bad I saw a woman on the news in her flooded room crying a thought crying isn't open if anything you're making things worse love I'm committed to getting girls off the streets sometimes it's only for half an hour but it relaxes me.

I find it very relaxing so I don't sound very charitable. I contribute my grain of sand. You know, I created a foundation for battered women. It is very thick to hide bruises. Is rare. Domestic abuse still exists. It's a real kind of taboo subject, isn't it? People don't like to talk about domestic abuse and ironically that makes the problem a lot worse because charities that deal with domestic abuse their problem is a communication problem because of the women they treat. to approach and communicate with abused wives are the same women who do not shut up and listen tragically this is the only language they understand I don't know what that is it's like the lion from The Wizard of Oz I wouldn't do it last day in this city, sorry, I know there is a degree of civic pride in Glasgow because domestic abuse was invented right here, wasn't it at the turn of the century?

Well done, we salute you, someone say something, then the old day is the day of domestic violence does not exist. Is it real? there's a there's a woman there just goes what I'm sorry just tell me that again old man so when Rangers play Celtic it's the day for domestic abuse I love that you recorded it in a diary has anyone had it? this recently did anyone make an appointment with the doctors recently? I called for an appointment with my doctor and got an appointment within three weeks. Oh that's good. I would like to be better or dead, but then they gave me the option. b they said, well you can go down and see the doctor at Locum, he's not your doctor, he's just our doctor we have there and if it's serious you can go down and wait, so that's what I did.

I went to the doctor's office and waited about four hours and finally they called me into the small treatment room and the doctor came in there. Stunning looking doctor, I mean, correctly, 10 out of 10 absolutely beautiful, exactly my type. I went uh I'm embarrassed he said I'm a professional you're a grown man just tell me what the problem is I said okay I think my cocktail is fun I don't know if you have a test for that but I have an idea it's weird the stereotype gender in that Joking, isn't it like the idea that when I say doctor, most people imagine a man?

That is very difficult because we all know that there are many female doctors, but if you are honest, when I say doctor, can you imagine a man, yes, nurses, even worse if I say nurse, can you imagine a woman? Sounds like a slightly overactive imagination, yes, I mean, like a proper nose, not like a stripper in a pub. We mean nurse, can you imagine a woman? Yes, but we all know that there are many nurses. Although it's not pronounced man, you don't call them nurses, it's actually pronounced nurses, no, they don't want to offend any nurses or your boyfriends, that's not the one that's fine.

I will never forget what my grandfather told me. Me in a bag, please kill me. A great way to warm retirees in winter is cremation. You know you lose 50 of your taste buds when you're 75, so it's okay that your nanny lives on cat food. My grandmother. From my mom. Mum used to make me a jumper every Christmas, does anyone else know that she used to make me a jumper at Christmas much better than the ones in the shops? No, no, it's not. I remember one year she also made me these monster burgundy sleeves. long and on the front there was black embroidery, go home, good morning and her sleeves are too long, yes, a crazy racist tour.

My girlfriend recently had a phantom pregnancy and now we have a little phantom baby. It's a pretty sweet joke, isn't it? It does not hurt. anyone and that is why every time I tell that joke I do a couple of things comically who has children you have children you have children okay I have children well I have adopted them but it is the same minute it is a well-welcome family but as I say it is a there is a little of paperwork it's nothing sponsored I've sponsored a child well it's not a child it's a panda why it's a donkey I didn't sponsor I gave half a block through a fence he only receives the same The reaction is always the woman who says it's not what himself and the guy who has you good, as long as he doesn't have to see a photo.

Many men use moisturizer, but I'm old-fashioned. I just spit in my hand. What do you think we're talking about? Oh come on, don't look at me like that, we've all been there, come on love, the movie starts in 10 minutes, we don't have time for your fancy four players, your expensive lube. We're going to be buttering, praying the old-fashioned way, ironically buttering baking sheets, the phrase that will stick to this, so you gave him a look as if to say, I thought you invented flavored condoms. Has anyone here had any dealings? with flavored condoms some of you the girl from Dundee thought it was one of my five a day another lovely banana my point about flavored condoms is that they are a waste of money well it turns out my girlfriend has no sense of taste in her front or on his bat, which is fine if you think about it now, if I can open up a little bit, I can share with you Glasgow to see if I can share.

Yes, my girlfriend fell asleep during sex before, that's embarrassing. It's awkward but it was awkward is the moment she woke up properly, yeah she was waking me up with some sex. I'll make you a cup of tea when I'm done, that will help you get rid of the taste. Yes, I know it's weird. I have seen a doctor speaking the first half. Any questions so far. Anything else you want to know. Yes. I'm going to assume all the questions are for me. Starry and arrogance, although there is something about my name in this. city ​​Jimmy sounds good continue what was the question wow yes I think if I'm not mistaken that is one of Wittenstein's theorems um you would suck his mother he did it to you.

I'm not from Perth, so he may have never done it. to make that decision you know you sound like you come from a very broken home. I'm not suggesting your mother, but only because you wouldn't want a double of your sister. um, why am I laughing like a sexual predator? I like the way that sexual predator sounds better in your accent than any other sexual predator. I don't know why I laugh like that, it's one of life's mysteries, in the same way as why you're dressed like a gay lumberjack who we may never know is a big fat guy.

Record how big my car is, well I'm not sure if your mom would feel comfortable talking about it, but the truth is, it's pretty small, but it smells big. Sorry, what's the strangest place I've ever had sex? He's mom's butt, classic. I'm joking, of course, it was his dance. Any other questions, why do I look like Hitler 999, who said three two, what hotel? Oh well, it's pretty fancy, so it'll have to be your house. I don't think they are. Everyone will let you in, they have a policy about that kind of thing and even though I'm not paying you, it seems like I'm doing it without being some kind of, you know, Mr.

Sycophant, without sucking up to you, he said in a very condescending way, uh, Glasgow is pretty good, I mean, that's why I'm recording the DVD here, but I don't know if you notice the cameras, but it's, uh, it's the next place. I'll tell you a short story about Glasgow just before. We're moving on, but I'll tell you the reason I'm burning the DVD here. The first time I came to Glasgow to play The Stand Comedy Club, I got in the back of a taxi and told them why I wanted to. to make a reference to where it was difficult in the city so I said excuse me driver where is it difficult in Glasgow and he said to you everywhere and then I was on stage later that night here on stage and I told that story on stage and everything I said?

I thought this was a commentIt seems like I don't know how to describe it to people who don't. I don't watch the Paralympic Games, it's kind of like the Paralympic Games, it's like a children's book where all the broken toys have a picnic, well you can get off the moral high ground if you didn't even watch it. Favorite event and all events are I think it's interesting because you're watching sports that you've seen before, sports that you've participated in and they're done in a different way because they're done by disabled people, so you get a different angle. rules yeah so they're all interesting my favorite and you have to promise me look this up if you think I'm making it up Google it when you get home and check it out on YouTube treat yourself it's an amazing Paralympic Games. blind football, okay, so they get a normal soccer ball, I'm talking about stran ra, okay, so what they do in blind football at their Paralympic Games they get a normal, standard, normal soccer ball, they put a bell on the ball and the blind people play soccer in their space. the awareness is so good they could know where the sound is, find the ball, not just find it, kick it and score a goal, how amazing is that and team GB got silver gold, it was for some kitties.

I don't know how they got into the stadium, presumably. no one saw them and there was an unfortunate incident when the referee blew the whistle for the last time someone kicked him in the face. I feel very comfortable talking about disability on stage because disabled people are part of our community, part of our societies, of course. They are, but also disabled people are the most patronized group within society. Everyone sponsors the disabled. It's like a national pastime. This is a good example for you. If you have any building in this country with more than four floors, there is a limit on the number of wheelchair users that can be in that building at any time because what if there is a fire, there is a fire, throw it away out the window, what's he going to do, break, he's back, what's he going to be doubly paralyzed, yeah, about Dave, he's been doubly paralyzed, it's pretty bad.

I had to travel up Everest in two wheelchairs. I thought it was well done, but as for sight, surely the great advantage of being blind is that there is no need to travel. Get a foot spa with a heat lamp. You could still be talking about it. I'm thinking about starting a charity to send blind children to Disneyland. Well, telling them no, it's not the same, but my dog, my dog, always lost an eye and he's fine. The vet records have about 30's of peripheral vision in his remaining eye. Who thinks? You should ask the vet to put him down.

No Channel is fine. If you had wanted to live, you would have won the fight with a badger, like when collars and cuffs match, but you wouldn't want to date a bald woman who took you away. Women seem to like chocolate because it stimulates them in the same way as sex, which I think goes some way to explaining the popularity of chunky KitKat. I have never found chocolate to be an aphrodisiac, the only way a chocolate bar will. help my sexual performance is whether I use it as a splint or bait I have a friend who took me aside recently said what does it mean if on the first day a girl puts her finger in your butt while giving you fellatio I said that means there will be a second quote it's been a pleasure talking to you tonight Glasgow, first of all, thank you very much for coming to see the show.

I really appreciate it. Well thank you very much. A couple of quick things just before I go, if you've never seen a Punch and Judy show. I don't want to. To spoil it, but the man behind the curtain is a pedophile. Many people don't believe that pedophiles should be allowed to live near schools, but it reduces their carbon footprint. The last thing if you are afraid of pedophiles, grow up, thank you. Thank you very much, thank you very much Glasgow. I don't know if you realize there's an audience. What that noise means for the performance. That simple act of clapping is all you work for as a performer, but that noise could drive you crazy.

Imagine if. that happened when you left work you finished a busy day doing whatever you do with your life you finish work 3000 people go yes you would go a little quiet I'm very special so I keep my feet on the ground to stop myself from going crazy I always remind myself myself that Glasgow is less applause than any of you individually would give to a waiter who dropped a tray, but it's true, isn't it? That is the best thing we have done as a nation. I love it when you're away. On holiday it's like you're in the south of France or Spain or wherever or Birmingham, but I love when you're out and about you can tell where the other Brits are because when a tray falls over in a restaurant it's us being clumsy, right?

It's a family program. I've noticed something. I may have to watch a lot of comedy shows and I've noticed that comics tend to do their best stuff right at the end of the concert and then leave the audience wanting more sounds good, right? But it doesn't make any sense because the audience is left wanting more than what the comedian has, that doesn't make any sense, so what I'd like to do because I've thought about it a little bit. I'd like to torpedo this gig with some very nasty jokes that will offend and annoy you all and then you can all walk away thinking, thanks, that's it, you're welcome, let's get started if women are that good at multitasking.

Too much to ask for, tickle my balls while you work the shaft, half a joke, half a public service announcement. I am often asked if you will ever get married. I don't think I'll ever get married. I mean you can't get married at 16 without parental consent and that's not going to happen, they still think she's dead, it's an unfortunate reaction because that's just there to warm you up for this. 18 years old, you read that story. I was the only one who read that story and thought 18 years in sleazy conditions have a tidy round make your house a lazy home say what you want about the Make-A-Wish Foundation they can work to a deadline it's not like I would have kicked a kitten in an orphan's face once I did it once and it was funny, but you had to be there.

I think I solved the credit crisis. I thought you would be happy. Actually no. I think I solved the credit crisis. Do you know what is the problem? with the credit crisis, in simple terms, okay, trade, turnover, business cycle is not happening like before because companies, banks and countries have gone bankrupt, no one trusts each other, so how are we going to repair this? Are we going to make things start again? Start that virtuous circle. I'll tell you what we do. We built a World Trade Center. I can see you getting angry thinking it will be a big building.

Have two. I saw the trick. of the New York City police on the news said we will never forget 9/11. I thought what's your house, not your phone number. I love doing these concerts. I mean, I'm really glad we recorded the DVD in Glasgow, but these gigs. just the fact that everyone shares a sense of humor that is something so special that everyone appreciates and everyone understands, everyone in this room understands the fact that it's just jokes, we're just joking around trying to laugh together, it's just bothering you. I know these jokes aren't who I am. I'm actually in the real world.

I am a fairly generous person. I realize that makes me sound like an idiot, but you know I'm a pretty generous person. I mean, last year I donated a kidney, of course, they wanted to know where I got it from. I know it's still hot. Save it. I often go out. Someone asked me before what a favorite joke or Rudy's joke was. I was asked in Liverpool last year, someone said Favorite Pub. jokes that someone shouted at the end of the show, so I thought I'd finish by telling you my favorite pub joke. It's a pretty rude joke.

I think everyone knew it was going to be pretty rude, but I'll tell you and then I'll tell you why I'm telling it. I was asked my favorite pub joke in Liverpool and I said: I told my favorite project. What is the difference between football and rape? Girls don't like football. The textbook answer is Glasgow. laughter followed by, the interesting thing for me is that they are not two different groups of people, there is not one group that laughs and another group that says, whoa, those are the same people, that joke makes you a little schizophrenic, you don't choose what are you laughing at?

I'm sure many of you have been disgusted by what you've been laughing about tonight, but you don't choose what you laugh at, it's like a reflex, you just laugh and then another part of you steps in and says what you are. You were laughing at that, ooh, so I told it in Liverpool, he laughed and then, ooh, and then there was a pause and a woman behind said: I like football. Imagine that being your problem with that joke, she clearly had time to think it through. We all like it tough from time to time he has us there, but I also enjoy football now.

I'm taking a stand here, as I say it's been a pleasure to perform and I mean, the reason we made the DVD here is because it's kind of one of the best concerts of the year. I just love it. Thank you so much for stopping by to do one quick thing before I leave, if anyone wants an autograph or say hello after the show, let them touch you or have a conversation. Fight whatever you want I'll be down there in that corner. I'm more than happy to wait as long as necessary. Thank you very much for coming to see me and I will see you all again next year.

Thank you so much. a lot of foreigners