The Most One-Liners You'll Ever Hear In A Comedy Show. Brian Kiley - Full Special

He puts a pillow on your face. (audience laughing) Today I got something in the mail that said, this is not a ticket. I opened it, she said, that was the envelope (audience laughing). I bought a box of animal crackers. It said, don't eat if the seal is broken. (Audience laughs). I open it, indeed, (audience laughs). The giraffe was fine (audience laughs). Okay, who didn't understand that? (Audience laughs) What I don't understand is that these people, instead of buying a four-pack or eight-pack of toilet paper, they buy a single individual roll. Are you trying to quit smoking? (audience laughs) It's so stupid. (Audience laughs) So my grandfather came to this country from Ireland in search of a better life.

And then my grandmother tracked him down and put an end to that. (audience laughs) I had to nip that in the bud. We always called my grandpa Poppy because of his opium. (Audience laughs) But it's not like that. I did some research and it turns out I'm super Irish. Even my blood type is apostrophe O. (Audience laughs) But it's amazing what our ancestors went through to come to this country. One of my grandfathers came here on the hull of a ship, shoveling coal 14 hours a day. All while he was suffering from typhoid f

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. My other grandfather had it even worse.

He arrived in this country on Spirit Airlines. (audience laughing) Can you imagine? Some characters from my wife's family. She has an uncle who can tell you exactly when and how you're going to die. He is a hitman. (audience laughs) He seems to be cheating, if you ask me. When I was a kid, the guy in front of us was actually in the mafia. And he was a very nice guy. He used to pay me 10 dollars

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y morning just to start his car. (Audience laughs) What a guy! (Audience laughs) I grew up in a very religious family, but my best friend is now an atheist.

He said to me, "How can you believe that God exists when you've never seen them?" I said, well, I think Home Depot employees exist. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I'm pretty sure they're out there. (Audience laughs) When I was a kid, we had this little yellow cat named Butter. And years later, finally after he passed away, we have a new yellow kitten named I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. (Audience laughs) You guys have been so funny. Thank you so much. I apreciate it. Thank you so much. (audience applauding)