Hannibal Buress: Live from Chicago - Full Special

I started doing comedy here in Chicago in 2002, and like most comedians who start out, I wasn't very good at it. I used to go to this open mic in Rogers Park and I'd bomb it, then I'd go to Weeds sometimes on Mondays and I'd bomb there and I'd get picked on, uh zies, I'd bomb there and they'd pay me to bomb and now I'm in Vic. I wish I didn't bomb, Ladies and gentlemen, show some love for one of Chicago's Mister Hannibals. Hello, yes, that's good, done. Hello everyone, what's up? up thank you thank you that's very

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ly very good good evening everyone just wanted to say what's up thank you all for coming buddy thank you all for coming um I'm in a good mood today I'm in a good mood this is how I knew I was in a good mood because I bought a StreetWise today I bought a homeless newspaper from StreetWise Chicago I bought one you're in a good mood if you buy one of those StreetWise is not a good newspaper Chicago homeless newspaper sold by homeless people or people who are, you know, because not everyone is homeless, they just sell Street I don't know, I don't know the details, but I generally don't understand it and you don't, it's not a good newspaper in It's about 12 pages long, there's a five-page article about a guy who sells StreetWise as a man, he's inside the baseball man, plus the

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will air on national television, all my jokes will be weird, Chicago specific, it's really weird. that would be great for y'all when it would play horribly nationally just weird jokes yeah y'all know Nancy from Portillos what's the deal with Madison and shovels that wouldn't be good that wouldn't be a good comedy

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One of my first big shows I did it here at the Vic in 2008.

I had a chance to open for Tracy Morgan and before the show started I went to her dressing room and said, "Hey, how long do you want me to go before we go on?" stage now, that's a simple question for the opener to ask the headliner, but he's a weirdo, hey just take some time, you'll be like the date rape drug and I'll be like the big black cock . How long has that man been? It's 15 minutes, okay, I'll just do 15. It's a very strange way to think about time. I was in Las Vegas when I saw that comedian Eddie Griffin had a show in Las Vegas.

Oh, it would be great to see Eddie Griffin

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, but I went online to see how much the tickets were. Tickets were $90. He said I don't like Eddie Griffin that much. That's a lot of money for a comedy show. 90 BL. Plus, I don't want that pressure on my head when I watch the show. show because I think yeah, it's funny, I know about 90 dollars, funny, it's good, I don't know about 90 dollars good, but I still wanted to make my way. I'm stubborn so I figured out the plan I call box office act like I'm at the agent, I try to get tickets for myself like that.

I call the ticket office. Hello, who provides these complimentary VIP tickets? I want to get some tickets for my client to see Eddie Griffin tonight and they told me what's your name and I hadn't thought of a fake agent name but they put me on the spot so reflexively I said uh Hannibal purs thinking damn I just screwed up my deception because they don't know me and I can't say I'm Hannibal Birds represented by Hannibal. birds, that sounds dumb as hell, they said who is your client. I had to think fast. I said uh, Donald Glover, now hang up the phone.

Now I'm thinking they know I'm lying and nothing is going to happen, they're not lying, 5 minutes later. I called back and said, Hi, how many tickets do you need? I told him: I need four tickets and then we went and saw the show. It was a good show. It wasn't $9, but it was a good show. So now the show is over and we finish our drinks. Eddie Griffin L, come on up, hey, you said Donald Glover was on TV shows with Eddie Griffin. Eddie doesn't know Donald and Donald isn't even here. The first thing I said, sir, is that he himself is now adding things to my lie.

I never said they work together. I simply left the name and person the box office featured as second place. The show ended. I don't know what you want from me right now. I can't vomit comedy out of my body for you, it's done, man. We experience that it is already up here, that's it, you have been deceived, it was a deception. I'm Hannibal burs represented by Hannibal burs and tell Eddie. I said great show and I'm looking for new clients. It's a strange job when strangers find out. I get up, oh you, get up, oh great, just make some for us right here at the bar, go ahead.

I know that when you normally do the standard, there is a stage, lights, sound, a microphone, the audience and the right context to get up. but that's exactly the same thing, it's doing it right here in this bar for our faces for free, let's go and it's really annoying. I hate to remember I was in DC. I just did a show. My friends and I go to this bar. I know this. girl, we're drinking, we're dancing, we're having a good time, she wasn't even on the show, we go to a second bar, a guy yells, hey, good show, Hannibal, now he's curious, what do you do?

I do comedy, oh, you do comedy, that's cool, you know? Tell me a joke, it would be weird if I started making jokes right now, come on funny man, you're supposed to be funny, just tell a joke and I won't tell any jokes, if you tell me a joke I'll show you my tits. and I said, my jokes are better than your tits, my jokes will stand the test of time, your tits, come on, tell me a joke and I'll show it to you and I was drunk, I wanted this for the long haul, hey, hey, I'm not your fucking monkey as a joke, you have to respect comedians.

I was nominated for the Emmy. It was driving me crazy. I was also joking. Marginal note. I was nominated for an Emmy the same way Jawan Howard has an NBA championship. I happen to be on the right team at the right time. time, but I didn't contribute at all, I was just on the sidelines cheering on my friend, yeah, everyone writes sketches. Hell yeah, that shit is funny, that's funny, so I'm kidding. I'm not telling any damn joke, she just gets up. Mad leaves the bar 15 minutes later I was thinking you know what I could have told a joke to see some tits it didn't have to be my joke it could have been a horrible joke okay I have one for you what do you say to a woman? with two black eyes nothing you already told him twice boom now you have to show your tits after hearing that horrible joke about domestic violence that's not my joke but we had a verbal contract and we raised a joke it's a joke it's a joke that was the deal It's a fun job, I enjoy it, it's easy for me I do my program, I get paid, I leave some jobs that I couldn't handle, it would be stressful if I like to be a cook in a restaurant, I couldn't handle that because the menu is so VAR some things on the menu.

I would take out the first strange order that came in, wait, then you tell me that one person at the table wants spaghetti and the other person wants an omelette. I'm out of here. I'm not going to cook spaghetti. and one omelet next to the other you tell them it's two spaghetti or two omelettes you can tell them what I said I'll go tell them I said it actually you know I quit, many comedians go abroad and perform for the troops and I don't like promises but I'm not going to go there they ask me H do you want to go to the truth go do you want to go to Afghanistan perform for the troops no, the troops have YouTube I have a lot of on YouTube there are troops, a DVD box.

Respect for the troops. I do. Sometimes I don't. When I see a soldier outside, I don't know exactly what to do, just because I don't want to give general respect. because of that outfit because I don't know exactly what that person did if he was in combat or could the guy just give me more push-ups. I don't know exactly what he's doing before I give him my respect. I would like to. To ask a couple of questions, say sir, thank you for your service, but I have a couple of questions. The first is why you are in

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uniform on this block, bees right now.

This is definitely a neutral zone. There is no war over chicken strips. He looks like a guy in fatigues, but thanks for your service, I'm out. My favorite place I've traveled to is New Orleans, like New Orleans, mainly because you can drink on the street, that's very important to be able to drink on the street and I. I love going to a bar and hey, give me a Jameson ginger ale, done. I do not like this place. I do not like this place. I don't like the music you're playing. I think that chair is weird. I want my baby in a plastic takeaway cup.

I'm going out with that drink. I'll go to another bar with that drink in my hand and be a game leader. I already went into this restaurant in New Orleans called. the police came into the bathroom of the chicken coops huge rat in the bathroom the CPS and the rat looked at me like you were doing it here that was his vibe very negative, very negative, I also suppose it was a heat, I think when you see a rat that is a dude, right, rats are dudes, that's a dude trait to be a rat, that's all dude stuff, rats are dudes, no matter what, unless he's giving birth right there, okay , that's a rat lady or it could be a rat guy pulling an elaborate prank. the old pregnant rat just to get it all over my house, you never know buddy, it's a rat, you never know what they're up to, it's real, so the rat and I kept eye contact for several moments and then we had to shut up.

First I broke eye contact, he was definitely the alpha in that situation, he went to my seat, the server shows up, hey, you guys decided what you wanted, you know, I don't think we're going to get anything. I just saw a rat. your bathroom said man we are right next to the mississippi river these builders are 200 300 years old there are rats everywhere even the festar restaurants have rats somehow it made me feel like i raised rats idk what kind of Jedi mind. trick, this confused the hell out of me because I still ended up ordering food there, uh yeah, I guess I got shrimp and grits, so man, I'm bad for bringing up the whole rat thing.

I don't know, I don't know what I was thinking that I was very mean and inconsiderate to me. I am working on it. I'm trying to work on that. I'm super drunk my bad man, I'm sorry, it must be hard for you to deal with the rats that are here. and I even think about that man, you know what's so crazy? When I mentioned the rats to him, he went right into the speech, he went right into the speech, he didn't stop, he didn't say what, oh, no, the rats let me watch. that or I will kill him and bring you to his head, he went straight to his speech, you know why, because people confront him about rats every day, it's part of the training program, this is how you greet customers, like this is how you pay the bill and here are the rhythms of the rats right here listen care

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y you use the outside of this make sure you hit these points it is very important very close to the river the buildings are very old even the five star restaurants Hab rats welcome to the police make sure you put your own spin on that speech make that speech yours make it sound like the first time every time, but man it's a good city, it's a beautiful city though, good music, good food, good party, so a while ago we decided to organize my cousin's bachelor party there.

I'm the best man, I'm in charge of the party, that's a big responsibility. I wanted to be cool because I've been to some shitty bachelor parties where these guys got a hotel room, two strippers, an iPod dock, and a partner. bottles of liquor and it's not even a suite, it's just double rooms and it's just guys and strippers and liquor and screaming and that's the bachelor party oh son, the bachelor is putting his face in the strippers' heads whoa oh oh whoa whoaaaa what that ping The ping pong ball comes from, yeah we know where that ping pong ball came from and we did the stripper thing another night, but I wanted to do something exclusive to New Orleans and one of my friends said, Hannibal, you should hire one second line to follow you. the street I said what did he say the second line is a band mostly brass instruments you can hire them to follow you down the street so basically in New Orleans for $300 you can have your own parade a day in advance he said That sounds cool how do I do this, you have to go to the police station, they have a parade department.

The New Orleans police have a parade department, there's homicide, narcotics and parade, there's other departments too, but you know, rule three for comedy, so I go to the police station. I want to do a parade how many people in your parade five of us okay five people do you need help to make a route for your parade yes I need help to make a route I'm not from here this is your city this is not my city This policeman in full uniform begins to help me make a route for a parade of five people and was very kind about it.

It's okay, you don't want to get to Bourbon Street too quickly. You'll probably want to start on Canal Street. Fairyland. Move towards Bourbon Street. go up to Iberville, some people on that street will probably join your parade because strangers just join your parade, that's part of it, someone is walking next to them, Sal, oh, that seems like a very accessible parade, there same, I'll jump, I'll walk withthem for A few blocks is a lot safer than walking alone and I can walk with a band behind me, that's the best iPod ever, so now we're ready, we have the band book, we have our route.

The next day, after dinner, we go to that corner waiting for each other. there is prohibition and a three piece police escort because in new orleans for $300 you can increase traffic with a day's notice the streets are yours for a very small price and we just start walking that's all you do is walk around of B behind you. police in front of you is the best way to walk. I've been walking since 1983 and this is the most fun I had doing, of course you have to have a drink so I stop at a bar, hey give us five Jamesons.

Ginger Rails to go to this place, we have a damn parade outside, not hanging.Out here, see the energy that's out there, sir? So when we walk out with the drinks, one of the cops says, man, why does he get drinks? He should have bought a whole bottle of liquor beforehand. One police officer said that's a direct quote from a uniformed New Orleans police officer. I'm so glad I don't live there because if I did all I would do is drink Gamble and throw parades for myself all the time, it's him again, yeah, Monday at 6:30, it's Hannibal time. right there I don't know why he does it on Monday that seems like something on the weekend and he does it so early that's strange yes I drink that's my favorite vice is drinking I smoke marijuana from time to time but this is what happens when I drink I can be at one point I'm smoking marijuana and analyzing the moment, which is not a good thing to do during sex because if I'm drunk and having sex, I'm thinking, yeah, this is great, but if I'm high during sex, I'm thinking, Why did he let me do this to him?

What was your childhood like? What is your relationship with your father? Did he let everyone crush so quickly? I started doing weird things doing intense sex like Counting my hits and a one up, a two, not a good mentality I tried cocaine in college it was too intense I went to this party high as soon as we got there this girl threw a beer at him my friend's face I got scared, I slapped that man, she threw a beer at you now you slap the cannibal, relax if I slap her, those five guys over there are going to kick my ass.

You just slap her. I'll worry about the rest and I don't want to feel that way again. There's no reason for me to tell a guy to slap. woman and I can beat up five people that's an unnecessary feeling I don't need it in my life at all there's no place for it but I'd be lying if I told you that cocaine never brought any beautiful moments to my life when I was In Minneapolis I had a threesome with These girls want cocaine and I didn't think a threesome was going to happen because I thought the fat girl would leave, but when life gives you lemons, you throw lemons at people, no, I didn't want to.

She left because she was fat. I don't discriminate, she doesn't look like R in the whole situation in Primera. Once the cocaine got into her, it turned out she was pretty cool. I didn't do cocaine with her because sometimes she can get soft. Stick your dick in and the last thing I need in my hotel room is two horny girls, angry and high, yelling at me, hanb, what's wrong? I don't know, can everyone be quiet for a while? Please everyone shut up and have some drinks. In the other room, go relax for a while. I'll be there, man.

We had a good Midwestern night. They welcomed me to that city in a wonderful way. I wake up. The hotel room was friendly. of garbage, so I leave a good CHP for cleaning. I go out to do radio in the morning. I come back. The room is perfectly clean. They clean everything off the kitchen counter, except they left a small piece of cocaine. I said it's extremely professional. The hotel cleanliness is there. They love. people and that's the kind of attention to detail to get you a festar yel review right there. I will return to that residence at the three star Marriott hotel.

Five star service. That is what really matters. There is a trend in rap music. Now many rappers speak. about taking mly, which is MDMA, a form of ecstasy, but they talk about it in this harsh way, it's not a hard drug at all, but you rap on it, yeah, I'm in that Molly feeling very emotional touching things, I just get I masturbated until it gave it a color. blue, I'm on that Molly, I just dance alone, just me, my butt on a wall for 45 minutes, this got me lost, man, it's not hard, I was at a party last summer, one of my friends gave me half a pill of ecstasy.

I took it, it was smooth, I was having fun, I don't know what it was about this particular lot, but it felt good to pee myself like the whole thing and I was in line for the bathroom. I had every intention of going down the right path. my heart was pure but then all the liquid fell out of my body, whole bats fell out of my body and I think under normal circumstances if I wet myself I said damn, I just wet myself, it's time to get out of here, it was something about the exit , you know what I piss on, but guess what I'm about to dance that dry, yeah, it's very exciting, some of my jokes have musical cues, it's fun, I want to do that joke again, dance that dry, that It's very exciting for all of you.

You should try comedy, this is one of the benefits of dancing, no, no, no, no, no, I see a woman who seems very confused by the situation, don't worry, you're just watching a man living his dream in that joke. in that joke I was online one day I got a message from a friend saying Hannibal I'm working on this movie Scarlett Johansson is in this movie and she said you're one of her favorite comedians I said oh why didn't you just tell me what I am easy to contact why would you? Now I'm excited. I don't know what to do with that information.

I can't contact her. Hey, Scarlet. I heard Where do we go from here? What is the next step? I didn't know what to do Flash Forward two months later I'm in a club in New York I see Scarlett Johansson is in the club I'm with a friend who knows her hey man, introduce me to Scarlet I heard she was a fan but don't introduce me saying here's Hannibal. I heard you a fan introduce me to the normal style and then we'll see how he plays it and we go up, says Scarlett, this is Hannibal Hannibal Scarlet she, oh, I'm a big fan of Stand Up, thank you Scarlet.

I'm a big fan of your photos, no, I mean, I didn't say, you can't say that kind of thing to people, you think about it, but you don't say it, it's social norms. I know we talked for a while, she was really cool. Flash forward two months later, I'm at the same club in New York, I'm in line for the bathroom, I turn around, Scarlett Johansson is directly behind me, turns out she's a guy, no. Look, we talked briefly, you know, because we're good as we are now and I was next in line, she was right behind me.

I think most guys are next in line to go to the bathroom. Scarlet Johansson, right behind you, you let her keep going, but you know what I? I'm not that guy, not that guy, I'm sorry, I loved you in The Avengers, but I still pissed myself. You know, everyone in this world pissed themselves because in my mind, I'm thinking she might say, "Oh wow, Hannibal didn't let me go to the bathroom in front of him, most punk dudes would have to suck his dick for that, You never know how things work, it never happens, but she went to the bathroom, I went to the bathroom, I think it all worked out for her and there I feel like that night I might have wasted my chance with her because I was pretty discolored and every time. she was walking past me at a club, she was going to Scarlet SC, so I don't think it's going to work out for us, but you know you live and you learn, you adjust your game and you miss all the shots you don't take, if you love something, you do it. you let go, if it comes back, you know the rest of those things, man who knows what the future holds for me and SC, one of my favorite things about being back home in Chicago I get to hang out with my niece and nephew, They were 6 and 8 or they were 6 and 8 when this joke was written 6 and 8.

I gave them both a couple of dollars their dad is a finance guy so he's teaching them about money from the beginning he says there are four different things you can do with that money name it buy something what else save it what else donate it what is the last invested sorry I meant you can also bet that listen, the Bears are minus three and a half points against the Titans, they are going to crush the Titans, that's a soft line, you need to get it before it goes up to four, if the running back is screwed, they have holes in the offensive line, I take it at 6. and A2, honestly, if you can get it 6 and A2, when I bet in Sports, it makes me wish horrible things on players on other teams.

I have money for game 7 Heat versus Spurs, it was tight in the fourth quarter. I started thinking, you know what you know. What would happen if Tim Duncan dropped dead right now? I feel like the pressure could build up around that and maybe they feel energized because Tim dodges sudden death and the Spurs wouldn't play as well because they're sad about it, you know, there would be a lot of pain. turnovers related simply 5 second violations because the job is to hold the ball and look into the distance sadly. 5 seconds of heat ball, hell yeah, let's cover.

I'm going to be the worst reporter on the court, so Dwight Howard, how do you feel like your 12 free Miss? shots affect people who bet the over I go to the basketball game sometimes when I go to the game I like to get there early watch the pregame routine you can see the players do things they normally wouldn't do in the game you can see seven The centers standing they don't shoot threes during the game maybe they are working on shooting threes during the pregame. It's great to see, it's fun. I'm jealous because as a comedian there is no equivalent.

There is no way if you arrive early to this program. he'd be on stage doing something weird hitting my dick or something and what's Hannibal doing that's his pre-show routine he's just working on that's not his his regular show is more stories and observation but he could be hitting himself same on the dick in the next special Sports frames my thinking in a strange way I went to a poetry event in Charlotte this woman came on stage she said this piece is dedicated to my sister she has been in an abusive relationship for 17 years I said holy like that that she will start her An ass whoop for Kobe Bryant's entire career all the way back to Prime with Brandy being drafted by Hornet Trader for the Lakers with V devot coming off the bench behind Nick Vexo and Eddie Jones winning a contest of dunks on this rookie and she was getting ass for while all that was going on even when they won a couple championships and brought in Carl Malone and Gary, the pay that didn't work out, they got swept by the P, she was getting ass for everything What was happening was committing rape. charge in Colorado the 81st game in Toronto she was getting mad about it you told me the Sasa guy just came and left but she was still getting yelled at that's not a domestic violence joke although I see how you can look at it that way I get it that's a joke about how I process the pass at a time when I'm 30, I'm sure I'll be 31 soon, sometimes I think about which famous people in my age group would die before me from natural causes, who is a healthier person .

I think LeBron James will live longer. that me, the guy is healthy, he can shoot, I can't, he was longer than me, I think Lil Wayne will die before me because he drinks a lot of cough syrup and has no symptoms, who knows. I'm just guessing Will Smith is 43 or 4 years old. I don't know, I'm 30 years old. I need Will Smith to die before me. I don't want to die before Will Smith because if I do, I'd miss that amazing Fresh Prince of Belair marathon and all the great movies that will be shown. TNT the week after Will Smith dies, you know, the man's resume, I don't have to name things, he says now that I made this joke, I'm on the record.

I really need Will Smith to die before me because if I die before Will. Smith, they may have played this clip a while ago, well I guess not, Hannibal, now let's look at this men in black six trailer. I went to the store near my house. I bought eight deodorants. I bought eight. I bought eight sticks of deodorant and the guy working was. Like we stink so much today, how stinky we are, no man, no one in the world is that stinky, as long as I don't die in three months, eight deodorant is a great purchase, I'm always going to need deodorant, I should get one. 100 deodorant the more deodorant I buy the less I have to see your ass laughing this doesn't spoil man this purchase is practical since it's probably the worst time to die right after you bought in bulk no please don't tell me dunks, I only spent $600 at Costco, man, I have so many Capri kids and Swiffer replacements, Swiffer replacements, that's comedy cheating, everyone gets a nice eulogy, right?

You go to funerals, a nice praise, he was a good man, a good father, a good friend and a person was always better than they had skill in their work as if he was a better man than an architect and he was one of the best architects that exist eul never is, yes, he was great when he turned 27 he started withquite strong cocaine, he treated women. something horrible, he was a weird guy, he was a kind of guy who was in the public bathroom and flushed the toilet, he had his quirks, but we miss him because it's a compliment, it's not an exposition, it shouldn't have that tone, not even a serial killer.

He probably has a friend who doesn't speak well of him, you know, Rick, he wasn't always killing people, that was just a part of his personality, people don't even know that Rick brewed beer in his living room, no one knows about your amazing pills, everyone. knows about gut murders Rick was multi-talented he once played drums in the Princess Band in Seattle 1983 I I like I I go to concerts when I'm not working I like to go see music even if it's bad I take some of it I I just go to a lot of it rap shows.

I was in Montreal. I wanted to see this fun rapper. RAB riff. RAB riff was entertaining for me. I also had a show in Montreal. I didn't fly for a riff R show. Come on. That's clear, it's an entertaining riff. R is really fun, his show was fun because he didn't just play his DJ, he played his music with the vocals and then he was up there with a creepy beard listening to his songs and then from time to time. and then he would come in and say two words and come back, basically getting paid for the vibe of his own music on stage, which is a good job if you can understand it.

I mean, he seemed a little disrespectful to his fans, but no one did. I think of whatever seems like a fun way to approach it. I want to take on a comedy like that and just play my own. I want to do it now, so I have a situation in my apartment right now. I have a surplus of pickle juice in my apartment, that's Too Much Pickle Juice because after the pickles were gone. I don't like throwing away pickle juice, it just feels wasteful, so lately I've been dipping my fingers in pickle juice and moving my sandwiches around to give them flavor.

Look, it's a fun way to do comedy. It's a lot easier there, easier things, you know, I want to try some different foods. I want to mix up my diet. I really want to try penguin meat. I want to try penguin meat. I want to try penguin meat. Why do those people always get tense around me? I mention eating penguins. I think it's now because of movies that people associate penguins with Morgan Freeman's voice and that gives them a status they don't really deserve, but people never have good reasons why we don't eat penguins. People never have good reasons. anything oh they're cute not cute it's subjective I think they're ugly I don't want to eat one oh but if we ate all the penguins your kids will have to grow up in a world without penguins I feel like I can nail that dad what happened to all the penguins oh , we found out that they went well with sriracha and we eliminated the species, it was wonderful to be a part of darling, I wish you were around because it was such a beautiful moment, okay, there are some obstacles that I know the penguin is very far away, so we paid a little more per penguin than we would pay, but I would pay 50 dollars for a penguin sandwich, that's what I pay 50 dollars for a penguin, that's my price 50 dollars for a sandwich just to say Did you do it?

Hey, you put some new pingle meat on top, that's what I pay for. I'd pay $2,000 for an exclusive excursion to Antarctica where I could go kill a Pingu with my B. Why don't you tell him you'd pay good money to hit him for a 20? combo on a penguin and throw it on the grill P pow P okay, it's ready, throw it there why are we not that far away, we are very far from the eating process I want to be practical I don't want to hunt I just want to slap an animal a little bit like If I ate so many hamburgers.

It would be nice to go to a ranch one day and slap him in the face. See you in two weeks, it's over for you, you're not going to do it. look like this you'll be done soon why not if they're slaughtering him why can't I slap him a little and that probably doesn't even register his pain or violence probably that's why it's a good thing animals don't do it they have plans animals don't have plans they don't just sit around with a 5 year plan their instinct is to stay alive and create more of their own animals they don't sit around the first year moving out of this stupid town the second year I'm getting my CDL year three trick for everyone because some animals that fate stinks hey chick, what are you going to be when you grow up?

Oh, I'm going to be 12 McNuggets and someone dropped it on the street when he was drunk, it's trash. food man, pure garbage, food, this next joke doesn't connect with anything I've done so far and won't connect with anything I'm doing in the rest of this. I just do it. I want to cum in my hand. and go to a palm reader and tell him what does this mean, what does this mean, what do you see in my future nap, yeah nap, that's a joke I should have written when I was 12, I legit wrote it 6 weeks ago, only if you wanted to .

I wanted to take a look at the mental state of this 30-year-old man. I enjoy comedy but I'm trying. I also want to do other things. I want to have a side business. I don't know what to get into. Is the frozen yogurt still warm or is it too late to get into the frozen yogurt? I want to get into the frozen yogurt or menace the eyebrows. I don't know what that is, but I see a lot of those places and I want to go in. I try to think about it. what you could do as an individual to help the world, as there are many people in the world who do not have access to clean water.

I think that's wrong because in my apartment the water is endless and never stops running. I swear. The water doesn't stop running for a day I let it run for N9 hours I came back home the water was still running damn, I'm proud of you, that's very persistent. Wow, now I know some of you might be environmentalists. Think, oh wow, Hannibal. a lot of water to waste on your stupid experiment, great point, so to make up for all that water i wasted, i peed in my sink for three months, that's the green way to pee, if you really care about the environment, you're mad and you're sick, it has many benefits, one it makes you feel like a renegade in your own house, yes I'm peeing in the sink, I don't care about anything, two, it's a more real way to pee your balls, you have something to rest on. a better way to pee in general what you want to pee like a king you want to pee like a paa so now we have established that I have infinite water.

I don't need infinite water. I need maybe 2% of the infinite tips, so what do I do? what we do with my other 98% infinite water big question Chicago this is what we do we have some people that come to my house we run my water we bottle that water we get UPS a FedEx someone to sponsor us we bottle that water we ship the water to places where the people need it and we keep repeating that process until my landlord realizes something is wrong and takes my security deposit, if he pays my deposit, I don't give, it's one month's rent.

I'm saving the world, you can't. put a price on that and honestly he was probably planning on taking my deposit instead of something anyway, that plan is foolproof. I believe in that plan with all my heart, it's a solid plan. I'm willing to debate with anyone here about the merits of my plan, but I'm assuming no one is interested, so I move on to my next material, it's about will you ever be no, it's fun when traveling, I could see how in others countries, how the middle class and working class in other countries live much better, especially in Australia.

I was in Australia, my friends and I went to the aquarium after having our photo taken. The guy taking photos at the aquarium said, "Damn, where do they live?" I said I live in New York. Oh great, I'm going to New York soon. from there I go to Miami and then to Chicago and La Austin Texas Seattle I say wait, that's your vacation, you take pictures at the aquarium and that's the vacation you can take and your job, the way you earn your income, you take photographs in the aquarium. that's your vacation because in America, if you work at the aquarium, you go on vacation to the aquarium and you're happy with whatever we get 30% off chicken strips, it's not that bad, you just do what you have, people are super, people have this energy about America when when you go to certain places where they blame you personally I remember I was in Norway I was in this bar there's a girl at the bar she was beautiful I go up then I say I think you're beautiful You like it this actress K Look and be grateful that's flattering K Washington is beautiful you're from the US and I said yes and she said uh Obama this is not the direction I was trying to take with this conversation but then she had all these things I wanted to say about Obama.

I had nothing to go back to and she I don't like Obama I don't like what he's doing with the Israel and Palestine situation I have no idea what Obama is doing with the Israel and Palestine situation but I don't want to sound like an idiot , so I have to keep her talking, so I say well put together, I just don't like Obama, he just likes a smarter version of George Bush, which makes him more dangerous and I don't think Obama looks like George Bush at all, but at least at the time I didn't have any data I wasn't prepared for a debate I was just abroad trying to crush but I'm not going to come out as strong as no, no, no, Obama is not like the Obama cool from Obama, he was on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon uh bu he's more of a Leno Letterman type of guy uh Obama knows everything, but not with Quest you love so what else uh Obama has a great jump shot the jump shot is wet like what else uh no Obama is nothing like Bush Don't you talk like that about my president?

You're Norwegian and you know you don't even look like a Washington car. I was just trying to have a little bit of stain to open with my thing. It's what we're going to do at the bar. Because? yelling at the bar, man, I don't like bar pundits, people alone at the bar, the deficit and jobs, okay, do you want to have a drink or this is your audition for Fox News because I don't want to yell about politics at the bar. I prefer to talk about food and video games, maybe it's shortsighted of me, but it affects my life in a more immediate way.

Talk about food. Hello, you have to visit his restaurant. I'll check it tomorrow. Hello, you have Grand Theft Auto. I don't understand it yet, but I'll get it in a couple of days, but if you say Obama is okay, I'll go get some food and play Grand Auto. Hey, I don't know what you want to do with Obama. people, I'm not religious and some people are very religious and it's okay for people to be religious, but it seems like people who are religious are much more interested in getting me into religion than getting them out of religion, which is annoying.

I hate that and I'm just telling you that I'm not religious because it's my program and I can say whatever I want I would never come to your house hey what's up I don't believe in him you believe in anything goes I get out of here, enjoy your Saturday, you have a beautiful family , let me take this Bible away, peace, I don't know why you have a Bible right on your doorstep, whatever it is, it's rude to yell things at people when they didn't do it. ask some people write to me I receive I receive messages online all the time about my beliefs this woman wrote me this message I want to share with you this message that she wrote to me on my Facebook fan page she wrote this and you also know when you write something crazy on the Internet you're supposed to write it down then you're supposed to take a step back let it breathe a little and you come back oh i was crazy so you just let it go you deleted it but she wrote this crazy thing she said i saw you showing phoenix and my heart went out to you.

I want to assure you that there is one God, there is only one God who loves you so much that he gave his only begotten son to save us. Well, you know what God sounds like. For me, shitty father, if God is so powerful, why do you have to hand over his daughter? It seems that God owed someone some money and they couldn't get to him, so they merged into Sun. That's what I really think happened. Jesus was stabbed. in the alley but it's easier to sell crucifix then they it's easier to sell this is to sell that right there sh you can't sell a pendant of someone being stabbed in an alley it's a marketing plan my version is really weird but like that There are a lot of things in The Bible tells me that two of each animal in a boat get out of here, please, Jesus was born, died and rose again defeating Satan.

Well, if Satan is defeated, why are you sending me messages right now? I don't think so. Satan is alive and well because he gave you power to write this on my Facebook page, condescending, believe him and trust him, we will spend eternity with him in heaven, we will all spend eternity somewhere. Now I pray for you every day and hope that you find your way to Jesus and I responded, so are you trying to get the dick or what, because it sounds like she's trying to get the dick, but she's covering up with all that stuff. from Jesus, like if you want to come over, come on but let's be adults about it, oh, this is funny, man, I'm trying, I'm trying to structure my life better, I spent too much time on the internet, too much time on social media, Facebook, I waste too much time, I can't. just lookThey don't give it to you because it is very dangerous.

They gave me a prescription for oxy and bikey, which they say you shouldn't drink. but that's because they don't want you to have a good time everything is fine in moderation when you mix liquor and pills you need less of both that's simple chemistry that's freshman level but a few days after the injury I was scheduled to go on vacation I'm not going to let racism stop me from experiencing Cabo let's keep going for the first time in Mexico it's my first time there it was nice it's a little conflicting it's strange going to a place where I was there I had a good time but people Liv didn't doing very well, so just being on vacation, maybe I was overthinking it, but I felt like I was throwing it in his face.

Yes, we are drinking margaritas. You are all fighting. drinking margaritas, you guys are doing horribly, we, yeah, drinking margaritas, disposable income, we're here for 5 days, y'all living this, we're kicking it, Luxury Resorts, yeah, you sell fruit. I was overthinking it, it was in bad shape, although we went to the District club in Cabo. It was like 1:00 in the morning, there were 5 year old kids selling chicks and they even have a sales pitch, they just look at you like this is okay, kind of a disaster, uh yeah, hit some roadblocks in trip. some potholes it was my fault we got hooked on going to a Time Ship presentation I guess we didn't have to go but this is what happened the guy at the airport acted like he was someone who worked at our hotel and I paid for the taxi there and return and the advance payment was 90 dollars and I didn't realize what had happened until I returned to the hotel.

I'm reading it, it said you come to this presentation, they give you your $90 back, they give you a bottle of tequila massage. gift certificate and a gift certificate from a jewelry store I said what and I don't like it when people try to forget me I wanted my money back so I said you know what we're going to get we're going to get our things I called Angle Hi, I called about the time, scam and the guy on the other line, didn't even miss a beat, said you wanted to come Tuesday at 11: didn't recognize him. I called it a scam.

I guess he says, call it whatever. you want, I have a quote and I'm pushing my, so we go there, we get to the property, it's a nice nice property, our seller was Rocky and I didn't like Rocky because he was a white guy and that's not all. I didn't like him. like Rocky, he was a white guy, next joke I don't like Rocky because he was a white guy, he kept calling me brother. I don't like it when white guys call me brother, it bothers me, it's almost like he died to me only white. The guy that calls me brother is Hulk Hogan because he calls everyone brother he calls everyone brother he even calls the girls Brother Hey, brother, sister, brother, so Rocky is already down a point with us and I'm trying to tell him, hey , man, honestly, we don't buy properties.

We've only been dating a few months, we really shouldn't be together on this vacation together, hey honey, you want to take this to the next level and make this high risk investment with me, just feel something. Rocky shows us around the property, we walk into the sales room, he's making his big speech, there's a part of the speech where they try to make you feel stupid about how you're spending your money right now they said oh how much are you paying for this vacation no, this is what we pay how many times do you plan to go on vacation man maybe once or twice okay this is how much you're paying but look how much money you'd save if you did this what i make all my money no we're not here for that rocket, we for that bottle, Kil, that 90 dollars, that massage gift certificate and that jewelry gift certificate that's what we're here for, where are we going to get it?

Luckily they had free drinks on the sales floor so take advantage, no SM Margaritas please, so I'm thinking Rocky is leaving, thanks for his time. I'm thinking he's done, let's go get our stuff, no, he's not done, there's a second guy, there's a closer. Carlos Carlos approaches the table, hey guys, how can I get you to buy something private? Hey, Carlos, I don't like you. Big face, you look like a fake person, something in my gut, I don't like you right away, hey, you stink, man, make margaritas please, the sales floor was a strange place because at one point we heard someone, yeah, ladies and gentlemen, we have new buyers then techno music stars B comes out this couple starts dancing everyone awards Techno music about 15 seconds that obviously disappears plants but I guess some people are so easily influenced are you telling me that if I make this horrible investment that confinement? my credit for 30 years I will be able to dance to techno music in an office space where no one else is dancing that sounds good where do I sign?

That sounds good to me, good business, sure, baby, yeah, let's make it so Carlos, his big ass, leads and then this guy Brad comes up and says hey man, if you're a secret closer, tell me right now , no, no, I'm in customer service. What do you think? You think, uh, Rocky, I didn't like Rocky. Calling me brother, I don't like it when white is fake, say brother, what's wrong with Carlos? Carlos had a big face, he looked fake, he smiled too much, he was fake as hell, I don't like him and he flipped the paper on him, he said, what's up with this? price he was the real closer all the time he was the boss of that level he said no, man, we're not here for that, we, for that bottle of tequila, that massage, that jewelry, where are we going to get those things once Let them know that you are not here? buying anything, they treat you like, where are we going to get our stuff? table with a blank ass and I walk up and get fed up, I say if you're a secret closer, reveal yourself right now just reveal yourself she said no, no, no, I'm in a research department, she said that sounds like something a guy would say secret closer, said what price they have. offer you, that sounds like a question a secret closer would ask me, but to move on, here's the price they offer you and she said she flips the paper on her and says what's up with this price?

I take this out no, oh, my 90 dollars gives. I, right now, hit my girl, she's just trying to diffuse the situation. Sorry, you've been out of liquor and pills all week. She hurt her back. You know that racism is out of control right now. Thank you all very much, thank you. to come I keep doing it again I will do it again I will do it again I am with you oh oh I can do it again