Say This To Stop Them Disrespecting You | Jocko Willink | Leif Babin | Extreme Ownership

but there is a fairer area between resistance and insubordination and I think

this

other area is lack of respect you have someone who is throwing comments at you you have someone who is putting you down you have someone who makes you look bad when you demand respect you lose respect so when someone is being disrespectful to you and you just demand respect from

them

, their respect for you doesn't increase, but if you said, let's report. The other day I received a question about how to handle insubordination. How do I handle insubordination? I think as you answer that question, you actually have to think about some things that you have to think about, you have to think about

this

, what is insubordination, what does that mean, oh, they're not following my instructions.

Are they asking some specific questions? Is it some level of sabotage that you can see happening? I think you have to clarify what you mean by insubordination because when we hear the word insubordination when I hear it when I hear The word insubordination. What we think of is openly mutinous behavior or simply defiant rebellion. Just when you let me ask you this, when you hear the word insubordination, you're not thinking, you're thinking something pretty

extreme

, right, UCMJ violation. Yeah, this is a big deal and I think Mo, I think that kind of insubordination doesn't really happen, often I mean, it just doesn't happen, I think most of the time, when people use the word insubordination, do they? what is really happening? it's what I said before maybe you know someone isn't following instructions exactly maybe someone is asking questions in a group you know where it is why we're doing this you know that kind of thing and I don't think it's I don't think it's insubordination I think that's resistance I think that's what I'm going to call resistance, which I think is a normal thing that will happen to you as a leader, there will be resistance from your team, you have to expect it, you have to accept it and when I feel that kind of resistance I have What to think to myself guess what I'm having this resistance because of me it's my fault that's what's really happening I haven't explained something correctly there's a part of this that they don't understand or I haven't explained it well why I'm having trouble convincing

them

of the plan why why do I have to depend on myself why I can't communicate properly why I don't why I haven't built a better relationship with this individual they are giving me this resistance because I have become too familiar I have I have a relationship that is too close I have become a friend instead of a leader so all those things require me to ask myself, okay?

What do I do and how can I solve it? How do I solve it? Do I build a better relationship? or if I have too close a relationship. I slowly reestablish the limits. What if I feel like they are not accepting the plan? I let them come up with a plan so that they can participate if they don't understand my communications, how can I make my community communications simpler and clearer so that all those things are my fault and all those things are a way to

stop

what and and that is that attitude of resistance is what I think people often call insubordination now, like you said, if you're talking about, you know, uh, uncontrollable terror within your team, then you have to take steps to discipline them and eliminate them, this isn't even really.

That's a great question, right, if you have someone who is insubordinate, then you need to discipline him and counsel him and eliminate him, either he fixes himself or you eliminate him, you need to escalate. advice very quickly, okay, in the SEAL teams, for example, it is very rare that someone is expelled from the SEAL teams for insubordination. I mean, I can think of maybe one or two examples in my entire career, bad behavior, yes, but bad behavior that they had. something stupid and they would come back and they weren't insubordinate they just did something stupid very rarely would someone actually commit direct insubordination but there is a fairer area between resistance and insubordination and I think this other area is disrespectful right now . you have another area of ​​disrespect you have someone who is throwing comments at you you have someone who is putting you down you have someone who makes you look bad then and I think that can be confused with direct insubordination you, who the hell are you Bab and you think that it's you You know, trying to call me and right in front of everyone like that, you know, you know, you know, you know, the guys on the team would do dumb things to each other like it's dumb and sometimes they might be disrespectful and if someone is sensitive , you can, that, that. can sting someone, I'm just thinking, well, for some reason I thought of vehicles, you know, we're always doing silly things in vehicles, but let's say you have one of your guys and they're going to pick you up, you know? a restaurant or they pick you up in front of the barracks and just so you know they are sitting there waiting for you to come up and they go a little ahead, you walk to the door again, they pull to the right, that could be your Joking is great, but there could be a level of hostility there that actually makes it disrespectful, so we can have situations where people are being disrespectful and yes, you have to address it now once again, as we just talked about when we addressed it in the initial approach.

I shouldn't be on offense, I mean, you know, for starters, for starters, you better

stop

disrespecting

me, if that's where you start, you can win that tactical battle, right? Can you meet that person? Could you meet Roger, that man, where do you end up? Although you end when you demand respect, you lose respect when you demand respect, you lose respect, so when someone disrespects you and you simply demand respect, their respect for you doesn't increase, but if you said "Hey, listen." man, obviously I must not be doing something right because I respect you and your experience, but I don't feel any mutual respect in my direction and I'm thinking there must be something I'm doing wrong.

I need to do something different so I can earn your respect, that approach is going to be infinitely better than yours, better just give me respect and then when they respond to your first topic, which you know, to the first topic you mentioned today. when you ask them what you can do better when you ask them for feedback, you better listen to them, listen to them, nod your head, listen and then make adjustments, whatever it is now, is there a dichotomy here? Can we go too far with this? Yeah, I'm sitting here saying, hey, you just let people walk all over you, no, not at all, you have to listen to them, but you have to be confident, you have to take things into account and then once you've taken them on board. board, you have to see if you can really start to build a relationship if they start coming in your direction or if you have a bad apple, right, you can have a bad apple and if you have a bad apple, then you start the counseling escalation and either you conquer them or you have to get rid of them and what's interesting about this and and and you've referred to me several times on this particular topic, we're going to meet a guy who's a seal who maybe got into trouble. um you know a troublemaker, a troublemaker and you told me, hey Joo, if that guy worked for you this wouldn't have happened and in fact I've documented cases where I had guys that actually worked for me, that It was incredibly amazing, the guys would do absolutely anything I asked of them, they were totally professional in training, totally professional in combat, and when they worked for me they were incredibly amazing, and then they worked for someone else and got in trouble. and I had a pretty significant punishment administered to these individuals and that means that that leader, instead of developing a relationship and trying to make adjustments and trying to incorporate them and show respect, they didn't do it with those particular individuals.

You're talking too, we're talking about very strong-willed people who are aggressive by default and they're not. I don't have time for someone they see as a weak leader that they don't respect, so yeah, you know, reacting

extreme

ly badly. and what you're talking about is just de-escalating the situation completely, whereas if you demand respect you're escalating that situation instead of de-escalating it, as I think about that as you're saying it and you know we have to correct this misperception all the time and I think That many people when I hear those types of comments from the leaders we work with, which happens frequently, think that the military is just a group of Terminators. robots, they'll just execute orders and do exactly what you say without any kind of pushback, um, so they don't know how to react to that, like they just need to do what I say instead of being okay, uh, they're human beings. , so I need to explain it to them and if you know if you can change that, I mean, that's the power of extreme

ownership

and recognizing that, okay, I need to do something better to get that person on board, you know one of the What What I learned from you is that when someone complains, you should listen to them and it's amazing how you can defeat their arguments, you know, if you complain to me and you're just saying something totally wrong. thewall that doesn't make any sense, so I can explain very easily why we shouldn't do that or maybe, you know, I don't think it's the right decision for the team and I mean, I should be able to make it very obvious if it is. so obvious, but you could also be mentioning something that is, and very often is the case, you are mentioning some very valid points and if even if you give me three points and one of them is valid, at least now you know.

I'm listening to you, you know, you leave that conversation like they finally understand, you know what I bring to the table so that it feeds your ego so that I can make some little change or tiny thing that could help you, it's crazy. but I'm sure there's someone out there thinking, yeah, but sometimes you just have to do it and, strangely enough, I'm trying to think of my entire life. I was only there for 20 years. I'm trying to think back to all those years of times. that I just had to, you know, get rid of someone because he was insubordinate or disrespectful or whatever you want to call it, someone I couldn't get a hold of to bring him on board and I can't think of any.

Think that the number is zero, so try a little harder. If you just have a horrible mentality, you might say, "Oh, you see, Jau doesn't even know what the hell he's doing. It should have been me who should be noticed or you could see." It's like, oh, now Jau thinks he's going to make me handle everything. It is as if both were opposite attitudes. They're both equally bad, but the other part is literally what you're talking about getting over a grudge, which is exactly this.