Rethinking infidelity ... a talk for anyone who has ever loved | Esther Perel | TED

period to become a defender of the borders. It is her responsibility to take care of her, because if he thinks about her, he can relieve Heather of her obsession and her obligation to assure him that the affair is not yet forgotten and that in itself begins to restore her confidence. But for Heather, or her cheated on partners, it is essential to do things that restore her sense of self-worth, surrounding herself with love, friends, and activities that give her joy, meaning, and identity. But even more important is to curb curiosity to delve into the dirty details - Where were you?

Where did you do it? How often have you done it? Is he better than me in bed? - questions that only cause more pain and keep you awake at night. And instead, move on to what I call probing questions, which look for meaning and motives: What does this issue mean to you? What were you able to express or experience there that you couldn't with me? What was it like for you when you got home? What do you value in our relationship? Are you glad this is over? Each affair redefines a relationship and each couple will determine what the continuation of the affair will be.

But the issues are here to stay and are not going away. And the dilemmas of love and desire do not yield simple black and white answers, good or bad, victims or abusers. Betrayal in a relationship comes in various forms. There are many ways in which we betray our partner: with contempt, with indifference, with indifference, with violence. Sexual

infidelity

is just one way to hurt a partner. In other words, the victim of an affair is not always the victim of the marriage. Now that you heard me, I know what you're thinking: he has a French accent, he must be in favor of the issue. (Laughs) But they would be wrong.

I'm not French. (Laughter) (Applause) And I'm not in favor of the issues. But because I believe that good things can come from an adventure, I've often been asked this very strange question: Would I

ever

recommend it? Now, I would recommend an affair as much as I would recommend having cancer, how

ever

, we know that people who have been sick often

talk

about how the illness has given them a new perspective. The main question I have been asked since I arrived at this conference, when I said I would

talk

about betrayal, was: for or against? I said yes." (Laughs) I see issues from a double perspective: pain and betrayal on the one hand, and growth and self-discovery on the other: what it did to you and what it meant to me.

That's why when a couple comes Come to me, in the period after discovering an affair, I often tell you this: today in the West, most of us will have two or three relationships or marriages, and some of us will have the same person. Your first marriage has finished. Would you like to create a second one together? Thank you. (Applause)