LOVE EXPERT REVEALS Why 50% Of Relationships DON'T LAST! | Esther Perel & Mark Hyman

Not all divorces or all breakups are synonymous with failure. The longing for

love

, intimacy and connection doesn't really go away, so we know that 50 percent of marriages are divorced well and people don't want to get divorced. So why did they do it? Couples fight like this and what do they do wrong when trying to resolve conflicts in a relationship? Well, let me suggest maybe something first. I would like us to imagine that not all divorces or all breakups are synonymous with failure when people have lived together for 20 30 years 15 whatever when people have buried their parents together build homes together raise their children together face the economic adversity together they have done a lot of what marriage or the companionship or companionship that unites them is about.

I think it is unfair and inaccurate and shame-inducing to think that the only

mark

er of success or the main

mark

er of success is longevity . In this case, you know that some stories end because life changes because people have fundamentally different needs because there is a loss and they can't get through the pain together. You know there are many reasons to do it. why do people get divorced, that doesn't mean it was a failed relationship, yeah, that's what he said, so this is the first thing I diversify means it's the end, but sometimes it's the end of something that was limited, maybe, but it's still very good, yes, that's how I feel. so it was my

last

relationship that was really an incredible gift and incredibly beautiful and perfect for both of us and what it was and it had a chapter that needed to be written but then it ended well, the next thing is that the divorce rate increased when women have a greater economic independence, that's a very important thing, you know, in the Soviet Union 97 of the divorces were initiated by women because there was economic equality, everyone earned the same dollar and so we were together for all the other emotional reasons and if those needs were If it was not followed, then there was no reason for her to wash her clothes properly, by definition divorce is cancelled, it is initiated more often by women and the divorce rate increases when women have an alternative, which is a social factor very important to include in what we would otherwise do.

They are seen more as relational factors, social and economic factors, but that means that the reasons for staying together become more emotional, yes, they become more about connection, communication, intimacy, sharing, thriving together and that when that disappears, then the sense is what I would now add to the conversation about divorce today is that you know it used to be that people got divorced if they were really unhappy, today people will get divorced if they think they can be happier and the mandate of Happiness is at the center of this. You know, this is good enough. Will it be better or the midlife question is this, will the next 25 years be more of the same, there is more life, yes, so that's all part of the modern issues of divorce, which are very different from what it used to be, totally and I think you know, I think people are more willing to jump on things that aren't working, there's less reason to stay together like you said, and I think a lot of people try to get therapy and, personally, you know.

I have been very successful in my life, my career and my business and in many ways, but

relationships

have been my holy grail. I've had three marriages, multiple

relationships

, I just can't understand it. You know, I was thinking about you. I know who I know has really healthy great relationships, who I know is fulfilled and happy and satisfied, who I know is really alive and vibrant in their relationship and it's a source of happiness instead of stress or struggle and honestly, I have a list, but it's a very short list of people and you know what your job really is, talk about how you know that yes, relationships can be a great source of happiness and fulfillment, but they're also a source of stress, so what?

Why are relationships so difficult? You know, what you also said is that you've had three marriages and a lot of relationships, but you also have other relationships with friends, with your children, with siblings, you know, and in that sense, I would say that friendships, family relationships don't really they have done. The relationships between parents and children have changed a lot, but there is one relationship that has really undergone a radical change and that is our romantic relationships. We expect more from them than we have ever had. It's an unprecedented set of expectations we bring to modern

love

.

It makes it a lot more complicated than the particular expectations that we used to have for long-term marital relationships, basically, and those things that we expect are many, we want people to be our best friends, our lover, our mother, our, you know, our companion. our coworker you know well and we want companionship look at marriage or romantic relationship well they weren't called romantic relationships that's the first thing is that they were quite separate the marriage was mainly a financial agreement it was a lifelong companionship that gave you a family succession and social status we still want all those things too, but now I also want you to be my intimate partner, my erotic partner, my trusted confidant, my passionate lover all in one and we live twice as long, let's add that since you are a long-lived person .

You live twice as long and that's why we basically ask one person to give us what an entire town previously gave us and we have even gone one step further. You know, what a lot of people talk about today is the couple as a soul mate. and that's a very new concept and basically it used to be god, now we want it to be a person and we basically bring into this romantic love expectations of ecstasy, meaning, transcendence and fulfillment, things that people used to look for in the kingdom. of the divine as union analyst Robert Johnson says and then I want you to help me become the best version of myself it's like love as an identity project and you know Elijah has a beautiful image it's a difficult task for a group of two It is a new Olympus and as it is stated when people climb a mountain the view at the top of the mountain is spectacular but the air is also thinner and not everyone can reach the top those who reach the top have an incredible view better that all the relationships in history but so many people don't understand why because this is part of your question, you know why it's been so difficult for me, our childhood is often, you know, some things that were done really, really beautifully and very well, and then people who understood too much of something or too little of something, too much attention, too much intrusion, too much impermeability of boundaries or lack of attention, neglect, abandonment, loneliness, too much or too little basically is what often We can summarize some of the challenges of our childhood. and we bring those developmental traumas into our adult love and really mark that this is probably the most interesting thing.

People can sit in my office and say that I don't have these problems with anyone else and that I have long-

last

ing friends, colleagues, students, and mentors. and I always say that there are only two relationships that mirror each other and that is the one you had with your original parental figures, the ones that took care of you and the ones that you find in your romantic life, that's where the anti-chamber resonance is in the box. it's right there and that's where all the juicy stuff is, right where you learn about yourself and where you discover the parts that may have more darkness that you like or that are actually capable of great love, I mean, it's all in that sense . melting pot of relationships that comes along and it seems like the pressures of expectations in relationships today are so high, you know, like you said being a soulmate, lover, partner or confidant, you know, just, grocery shopper, dishwasher, you know, maker of beds or whatever, and he takes us. outside of the kind of story of how we navigate this because the needs I have for the person I want to renovate a house with aren't necessarily the same as the needs I want for the person I'm raising my kids with.

I'm not necessarily the same person that I would like to experience erotic intimacy with and not necessarily the same person that I want to travel with not necessarily and we basically have a model where we really hope that we can do all of those things and navigate these roles and move around flexibly. from one to another, from the mundane to the sublime, from desire to love, from security to freedom, from union to individuality, from connection to independence, and that all of this must be handled smoothly by two people . and that's a challenge, relationships are complex social systems, they really are and they involve a lot of complicated things, you know, how we manage expectations, how we communicate, how we establish trust, how we feel safe, being open and vulnerable, how We apologize and take responsibility. for the bad things that we do and how we encompass some of these conflicting needs and emotions in a social relational system, that's really the challenge, but we don't give up, we're tenacious, you're still looking for love, you're still here.

I think I have to figure out why I keep doing this and then, you know, just figure out, yeah, that's true and you've said it before too, but a lot of us are still hoping that we have that relationship, I mean the longing for love , intimacy, connection doesn't really go away, we can defend ourselves against it, we can say I'm taking a break, they're chasing me for a year, I'm not doing anything, I'm not dating, but the need doesn't go away, it's just on hold, yeah , and now we often choose partners who are reflections of our unconscious challenges that we haven't really thought about, worked on, or addressed and it seems like that's where a lot of us jump. against, so we choose people based on whether they match some kind of dysfunction in us that everything comes to light and I'm wondering how you see that in relationships, how you handle that with your clients.

I was hosting, you know, an episode of uh. Where should we start this morning with a group of students? And really what I'm looking for in that choice that you describe is what the invisible complementarity is. Here is this person and basically she lives with a chorus of people who talk to her talk through her, her mother, her brother, her grandmother, I mean there are all these people for every decision she makes, she has a Greek chorus who literally gives his opinion and finds this man who basically at 13 lost his mother and father at the same time through various health and mental health issues and divorce, etc. and he's just, you know, no needs, he supposedly meets a woman who has a lot of needs and he never questions them and it's a perfect match until it's not until it's not okay um and she, you know, she's very happy. that he doesn't say much because he already has enough people talking in his head all the time.

You have all these ways that I sometimes look for you for the same things that you are. trying to get away from yes and I can give you some other steps of the dance of who chooses who chooses who for what, at its best, you can say that we recreate those things that we repeat, we get this resonance so that we can finally work. through some of these things and at other times you say you know you've been deprived and you systematically hang around people who aren't particularly generous, yeah, and you love generosity. I think that's something I would say to you, you're a fundamentally generous person. and you often meet people who have more of a scarcity mentality and at first you love these people because you love giving to them and then at some point you ask yourself: what about me?

Yeah, I mean, yeah, or expectations rise. They are kind of endless and it is impossible to fulfill them because you can never fulfill them for someone else and they are looking to you for all these things and instead of being autonomous, they will often look to you for their satisfaction and their happiness. They're meeting their expectations and that seems like a recipe for disaster, but at first it's great because you think I can do it and I'm honored that you think I can do it and I love the fact that I can actually succeed at it.

It makes me feel so good that I can give you what you need and then little by little you know that you need too much. I don't get much. Do I really want to be in that room? Do you know how much the love of the caregiver is and in what? The point that you already know is that you know that the same things that are initially attractive often become a source of conflict later, that's interesting, but I think one of the challenges that I think for relationships is that there is a lack of capacity For couples and people in general, you should know that conscious communication is non-violent, it allows each person to share their experience without conflict and that simple communication skill is not something we learn and I think that is where many relationships break down.

They break up and you love me. to pay this back yeah right yeah I want to know what you think because that's my perspective but it may not be true so this is what you do in counseling and you find that you work with people and you try to help them talk and communicate and You see the challenges people have in listening to and learning what others feel, want, think, or need. So you know I do couples therapy. I have onereal predilection for working with couples because I find it one of the most fascinating relational systems that exist.

We have right now that a couple can really induce happiness and hell on a level that is amazing, just like families and I work with families too. This is what it used to be like when people came to couples therapy, they actually came. for their children they did not come to couples therapy they came and little by little we identified that perhaps there was something in the relationship that was also interacting with the challenges that the child was having. Couples therapy really became a discipline of its own at the center that is today when the expectations around intimate relationships began to increase.

The more we expect from the partner and the more we need couples therapy to help us with those expectations when the partner does not It was the central unit of the family but because the family was more important than the couple and people stayed together for the family, yes. Nowadays, it is not children or family that will really keep people together, they may keep them together for a few more years, but ultimately what keeps people together is the quality of the relationship between the two. people, yes, of course, therefore, couples therapy becomes something much more sought after.

After practice, I don't just do communication. You know, I was thinking and I was editing another podcast session and it's an amazing session. It's the first session of the fifth season that I'm producing now and they walk in and he's like, you know we're on. both people who like to do things our way and I said, okay, that's interesting, but what I'm also hearing is that they're two people who like other people to do things their way, yeah, and that's what they wanted to say well, so I asked him: how did you learn? Do you know how to say yes and how did you learn to say no.

And he starts telling me a whole story of how basically he, his father, continually put me down. He, uh, lecture to him, be dismissive, you know, we'd start with the conversation, son, and then what followed was often, you know, berating him for all the things he wasn't doing well and meeting expectations, and she grows on a drug. mother, father addict who commits suicide and she is the adult in the house of that little tree she raises her two children they tell me at one point we fight about everything we don't communicate and I say I don't think they fight everything actually I think you are fighting for the same reason all the time at the moment he experiences you are telling him that you are incompetent you are not doing it well you are not doing it well he is in that original wound of his own and at the moment he says you are not going to say what to do you know I'm doing it I'm leaving here and he's going to take a break you think I'm once again all alone with all the responsibilities and the four kids on my shoulders and I'll always be alone and I'll never have anyone by my side side and fight over that original wound that's what every argument is about it's the same story over and over again, you know? and that was so enlightening to them that it wasn't about the chore chart that she had made and it wasn't about the kids and it wasn't about him forgiving, it was about you know, I don't want to be inadequate and I don't want to be just those were the themes that each one really was and then we started working on making that different from just communicating how things are said best, yeah, yeah, and how you get people to do it. how to overcome those really primordial conditionings of childhood, that is question 64,000, yes, I think the most important thing is that you teach people two things or when I say teach it means that you help them see two things, you help them separate last.

From the present, just because this vividly brings back the experience back then doesn't mean it's actually what used to happen back then. The past and present sometimes feel like they merge into one, but they don't, and the latter. is that then you say at seven you were helpless at seven you couldn't respond at seven you couldn't just leave the house and you say it's dangerous for me to be here um you know that um whereas now you're an adult and you have options, so you go and basically help them first through the body to separate the past from the present right now.

I feel that tension like I want to start fighting like this man is a master of the challenge, you know? He gained all her confidence through challenge, meaning he was pseudo-confident and when she actually said: go ahead and do things, I am with you, I support you, then he would start talking about all his doubts, he was always confident only when he he was in opposition when he was in a fight and he knew what he wanted, but when he had someone who really loved him and gave, then he didn't know what to do with himself and you go through the body and follow the feeling because a feeling is also embodied, since you know, then you articulate the experience and then you know what I actually did with them.

I really had a lot of fun. They had a lot of fun. I said lie down on the ground and then I said now continue. Argue, you know you can't fight when you're lying down, yeah, or if you take your clothes off. I think that's another thing I've heard from couples. Everyone takes off their clothes. It's hard to have a fight. You know it's like. We are meant to fight in a straight position, as you know, yes, then a completely different perspective opened up and it went from the fight to Africa behind the fight, which is often the fear of losing, which is often: will you believe me ? be there for me, etc. and then dig deeper and that takes some time, that's so beautiful, you know, Esther, you've been in the front seat of literally probably hundreds, if not thousands, of relationships in ways that most people haven't.

I've never had a sense of just the virtue of your work, just as I've seen so many people who have been sick, you've seen so many people who have had challenges in their relationships, so from that perspective, looking back, you know decades By doing this, you know what you define as day-to-day relationship success, what are the keys to a successful relationship, and what are the things that really destroy relationships. Yeah, I'll start with what destroys and I'm taking notes from taking notes, I would really refer to John Gottman and John and Julie Gottman's work here on what destroys them.

You know, they have a wonderful way of separating between masters and disasters and they talk about the four horses. of the apocalypse, yeah, um, and basically what will kill relationships is chronic criticism, defensiveness, obstruction, and the killer of all of them is contempt, because contempt, and we also know this in large-scale trauma, it's the contempt, it's the dehumanizing, contempt is anything that you feel or think is irrelevant and It doesn't matter, you don't even contact me, so those four horses of the apocalypse, I think, sum things up well and once you have a lot of things , defensiveness, criticism, defensiveness and avoidance, basically shutting down and shutting down, you're shutting people down. out yeah, and contempt, which is basically what you know, um, shame is under shame is one side and contempt, the content, shame is contempt for oneself and contempt for the other, it goes both ways. addresses, yes, I think when I once wanted to write an article.

I wanted to write an article about what creative couples are because we talk about long-lasting couples, we talk about stable couples but we rarely talk about what creative couples are or what can be included in successful couples and the fascinating thing is what you said before most from When I Said, Do You Know Couples Who Have a Spark? Couples that inspire you and me, and people sometimes came up with one, maybe two, often none, it scared them a lot because if I said to them, can you create entrepreneurs with artists? Writers with intellectuals have lists of inspirational people, of course, but here they are all wanting a relationship and there aren't many people you know, that you can think of.

Yes I like that. I want to do this. I never wrote the newspaper to people because what. people ended up saying that it seemed pretty banal to me, since I know, but then I've been sitting on this for years thinking that maybe actually you didn't know what they said was this and that was very interesting, this is not in order. admiration admiration for your partner is not respect it is different admiration always implies a level of idealization is I admire you I admire you for who you are as a person as a human being more than just in your role as a couple as a parent like You know well, so that was one big, two, the relationship is basically a base with wings, meaning there is a solid anchor of trust and that solid anchor of trust interacts with the ability to take risks in life and in the relationship and being playful is what I've often seen in the combination between the integration between our need for safety and security and predictability and reliability and our need for change and novelty and exploration and discovery these two fundamental human needs um I think the best relationships have a good balance between what What is union and what is separation, you have people who have their own lives, but before I continue, I think the best I can say is that there is no one-size-fits-all solution, that's all, yeah, yeah, I can't.

I tell you it's like you have health, it's not like you have a sense of health, it's an interaction of different parts of course, but if it's more of this or more of that, you know some couples have Venn diagrams that go together. They overlap completely. all together, they spend all their time together and it works wonderfully, yes, and some others are very creative and the couples are much more differentiated and actually have a strong core, but with great individual lives, you know they are separate, so no, there is no one size fits all. I would really love for that to be my opening line to your question before I even say what contributes to success: people who feel free in a relationship that certainly contributes to success, people who feel oppressed or under surveillance or that they have to lie or lie constantly. hide or you know don't don't say what they bought or what you know those kinds of things those are important differences that I would add to Gottman's list you know it's a degree of autonomy combined with a deep sense of belonging these two together it's a beautiful dance, It's beautiful, but I think there are some really practical ways that you talk about for people to get whatever their best relationship is right, boundaries, routines, rituals, you know, what are the types of things that you help people to do? establish. within the relationship to build that foundation that structure because it's not something that we automatically know, it's not something that we're really taught how you help people build those structures in those relationships that help them get there, so it's very interesting this couple that I was Mentioning before that he isolated himself without needs because he was alone and there was no one who could help him anyway and she is like permeated by all these voices.

I thought he had done a pretty limited session with them. I really thought. um, I didn't really catch up with them, I didn't really go below the noise, etc. and then I got a letter from them that you never know, you never know, how much of the little things that I did that I thought were almost slightly you know they weren't basically I would say it's one thing to say, how about you tell this to Ester? instead of shutting up your partner and speaking for them? Of course you want to mention something, but you also want to let them tell their own story, yes, how about when you have a problem or a question about sex or about children, you don't go to your mother and grandmother first, but Do you also go first with your partner, yes, and do you establish the limit with all the people in your family? so you can create a more sacred space with your partner, the boundary is not always within the relationship, but between the relationship and the outside world, how about you can make a request that is not a protest, so say what you say. do you need instead of doing it? what the other person is or isn't doing, just make a request and follow through on that and adding these things together, they basically write to me three weeks later and say there's been a fundamental change, we haven't had a single fight, I couldn't do it. .

I'm not going to talk to my mother about everything anymore, he feels much more open with me because I am much less critical of him and I appreciate his openness and that makes me more attached to him and that makes him more asexual towards me and more expressive. His desire for me and it becomes the opposite of climbing in the negative direction is now a kind of climbing, yes, climbing in the positive direction, that's the work, yes, it's so powerful, it's so powerful, one of the things you learned later. decades of work with couples and relationships that are sort of nuggets of wisdom that you would guide people with and that could help them with relationships that they may be struggling with.

You know what are the things that people should anchor themselves to and of course there's your book made in captivity and the situation and your podcasts uh and everything that's great, people should dive into that and your ted talks, but I wonder if you can summarize what you've actually learned. The first thing I would say and I think I've really learned this from the millions of people listening. Bywhere should we start? It's just that you are not alone these days, on the one hand, we have unprecedented expectations in the lives of our partners, but at the same time, we are also in a fake news machine on social media, so people select, position and it leaks, and you don't know where the truth is, you know when people lived in the village, you heard the neighbors' fights and you heard the neighbors' antics now your best friends can come and tell you that they're breaking up and you never saw it coming , yes, of course, no one tells you the truth about what happens in relationships and, however, and then your left thinking wants everyone to be well, they are doing very well and we are alone with our problems, so I think really where we should start showed me when you listen deeply into other people's stories, you look in front of your own mirror and you don't feel so alone and you get the tools for the conversations that you want to have.

I think that's the first thing I really realized that this is a unit. that doesn't talk friends talk to friends couples often don't talk to anyone about what's really going on they may be struggling with infidelity they may be struggling with infertility they may be struggling with bipolar and mental health issues they may be struggling with pain unresolved they may be struggling with economic difficulties, with unemployment, with addictions and they don't talk about it to anyone because they have to present themselves in a certain way and sometimes it breaks my heart to see how alone people are with some of these big challenges, so that is the The first thing I really learned is to make sure that's part of the game too, is to give people a tool to make difficult conversations less difficult.

The second thing I really learned is this couple he was describing and where I thought, Oh my God! God, this is what you know, they really came to tell us that we need you to tell us if we're broken, if we're beyond repair and uh and I thought at the end of the session I thought I don't know where this is going and I've been so many times surprised by people who I think there's not much left here and then when you change something like this woman, she stopped trying to change it and went ahead and took responsibility for her contribution and changed some things about her own behavior. and she just unleashed a cascade of changes for the better and that's a really important piece.

Sometimes it feels like it's all over and interconnected and like an impossible pile of hassles and yet, if you make a change, it has the power. because systems are interdependent parts to activate everything else, that is the second thing that is very important, the third thing is that there is a big difference between what you feel inside and how what you experience inside affects the people around you. surround you, you may be depressed and feel weak. and desperate, helpless and anedonic, but when you are in a relationship with those who love you, you often wield all the power, yes, because you activate everyone around you to try to make you feel better, give you advice to try to elevate you and In the end, they feel defeated and deflated like you, so power doesn't always come from the top down.

Power comes from the bottom up, from places that are not so obvious. I think we really don't understand enough the complex interplay of power. dynamics in relationships if you want to change the other, change yourself and maybe the last thing I would say is that beyond most of the topics that people argue about, there are generally three topics: control and power, care, closeness , respect and recognition, whose priorities matter, who has the power. Here I can trust you, you have my back, yes, and you value me, yes, those are huge, these are the three main issues that a lot of couples basically fight about, but they come in the form of conversations about sex, money, family and Yes. , but that's not the problem, it's not the problem, it's the emotional crucible in which those problems play.

Yeah, so it's the story beneath the story, that's essentially what you're talking about. Yeah, what's really happening here is something I don't see. it's not said why they're really fighting like the couple where she fights about being alone and he fights about being inadequate, that's, you know, affection, closeness, power and control, yeah awesome, you've created a really fun cove , but really fun. game that I love to make and share with everyone and I think it's fantastic and you know, we've had all the stress of quarantine, isolation, lack of travel, our social circles are shrinking, sometimes what we need most and our Relationships are often, you know. challenged, um, but you created this card game that came out of this isolation lockdown and it's a way for us all to reconnect and I love it because it's like sometimes you know that it's hard to talk about relationships and love and things at the same time. stalking and it's a lot but you created a fun and playful way to get into the space of intimacy and connection and relationship that I think is so beautiful by the way the way the game is called for everyone where should we start the game and just go? to

esther

prosdforall.com, where should we start the game with dashes between each word? uh and and you'll find it and it's valuable so tell us a little bit about what inspired it and what it is and maybe we can play a little bit. a little bit with that, yeah, I love it, let me show you the box so you get an idea of ​​what it looked like, you know, literally one day, while working in the middle of the pandemic, I experienced my own sense of isolation and my constant need for being on video in a state of surveillance in risk assessment instead of taking risks and lacking intimacy with my close circle.

I just thought I can't just you know talk about these things in therapy or even on the podcast in the most intense way. you know it's permeated with this pandemic fear and I said one day, I'm talking about the importance of celebrating even in times like this and the importance of self-care and caring for others and well-being and joy in the midst of tragedy, you know. , and I thought to myself, there was a very personal connection as the son of two parents who were Holocaust survivors and spent years in concentration camps in Germany. I had heard a lot about the confinement and no.

Two months or 15 months of confinement, but years, and I remember that my mother always told me honey, there is laughter in hell, you don't survive, otherwise, sometimes you have to be able to look at the absurdity and the tragedy of your life and alone you know, develop power over it and master it through humor through play and it stayed with me and so one day I said I want to create a game, I don't just want to talk about the experience of joy and permanence. Funny, you know, I want people to have the experience. I felt that during the pandemic we lost contact with the erotic, the correct, the erotic is serendipity, spontaneity, improvisation, curiosity, everything you go out to discover suddenly you had to be much more protected and I thought.

I can create an indoor game that people can play together I will actually create an antidote to the seriousness and heaviness of the moment when it came to light that right now was the perfect time for this to connect with social reentry and to the anxiety of re-entry and therefore connection and reconnection are even more timely. I wanted it to be a story game because, like my podcast, where should we start? I think stories are how we make sense of the stories of our lives. They are bridges to how we connect with people and therefore they are not just conversation starters and they are not just ice breakers, they are really a narrative that can be done between strangers on a first date between coworkers. or between best friends, basically, and it has I made me explain it to you, actually three components, three parts, so it has playing cards that are very fun to have in your hand.

Playing cards and playing cards really have a great variety, you know, a text message. I fantasize about receiving the best prank I've ever pulled. I made it, it's hard for me to say no. I'm surprised to be alive after an important item I lost in my family. My role is the most unexpected compliment I have ever received. A friendship that I need to end. I mean, I just took the first 10. It's amazing, so it's a way for people to be intimate with each other and talk about things that they normally talk about and build deeper relationships with each other.

You know, I had a dear friend this week we were playing. together and you know there are prompt cards, so these blue cards are the prom cards and they say that some share something that has changed your view of the world from your teenage point of view that you would never tell your mother, that's taboo , you would never tell him that. your coworkers and then she gets a card that says share something cringeworthy and the next thing she gets is all the people, the players, send a story card to the narrator and the narrator gets to choose from the cards that were sent, including one. that they choose themselves and sometimes peer pressure is done with those little tokens where I put a token on your card because I wanted her to tell the card a person that I accidentally hurt, that it's embarrassing you combine the story yeah yeah and she proceeds to tell us about this dear friend um and she basically introduced that person to another friend and she just said this friend is very rich and very fat and very nice and she sends it to him to the person in question and you know everyone is going to cringe by accident, send it to them. by accident oh no oh no, you know, so it's multiple variations, it's a multitude because you never get the same cue cards with the stories, the cue cards give you the lens the point of view from which to tell the story and um, and stories are just mind. -Amazing stories I've been hearing.

I've been playing non-stop with people I've never met and with people I knew very well and during the pandemic everything was virtual so I couldn't hold the cards. everything was on the screen, you know, the big transition is to finally have it as an object in your hands, so can you play this online and in person? Well, that's what we and I are going to try to do right. okay, let's do it, let's do it, let's do it so you know, for example, let's say I give you the prompt card, share something that you've never told anyone, okay, and I would put in front of you different story cards, the right one . that you would choose, so this is different from the way we normally play, you can play it in the committed version with all the rules and you can play it in the casual version where you just make your own rules because stories are stories, yeah. so a rule that you secretly love to break a rule that I secretly love to break or my most irrational fear or I can't believe I got away with it do you want me to answer all three or just one no, choose one of them share something You've never told anyone a rule.

I secretly love breaking my most irrational fear. I can't believe I got away with it. There are so many things there. I can choose one. What did I really get away with? What do I like the most? irrational fear um or something you can't believe you got away with it you've done so many naughty things um what if I can't believe I got away with it? um no, you don't have to choose that one, you choose whichever one you want, I think my most irrational fear might be the fear of sharks. I definitely get scared in the ocean.

I control it, but the fact that I was attacked by a shark always runs through my head. quickly when I was in Hawaii all winter and there were like three or four shark attacks and I thought, you know, just feel and maybe it's not irrational, but it's definitely not, the probability of being bitten by a shark is pretty low, so I think kind of over over uh reaction what's the picture what's the bloody picture what's the picture this picture is like you know shark coming and biting my leg and bleeding everywhere like all the pictures I've seen of attacks of sharks and oceans.

I think it was because of Jaws when I was 13 I saw Jaws and it ruined me for life right, right, so that's big, but it doesn't stop you, it doesn't stop me, but no, it doesn't stop. me but I definitely feel anxious and stressed um and what I didn't get what I got away with I don't care who I got away with uh I do the things that I do that I love so much yes or I couldn't I can't believe I get paid for doing what I do and actually, you know, getting to have this blessed life that I had, I mean, it's like, how can I get away with being so blessed?

It's like you know I'm kind. to try to receive it, but I feel like I feel very blessed because I see people struggle to find the meaning of life and be physically healthy and have meaningful relationships with their community and know the goodness in their life and I just like it. , I can't believe I have all the magic that I have, so I think you know someone said it's a reflection of how much you give in the world, but I don't. I know I always feel like I'm done. I was about to say the same thing.

I was about to say the same thing. I mean, you are fundamentally a lover of life. Yes, you know it and youyou laugh. You love to live life to the fullest. you give that way but you don't feel like you're giving because you feel like you're receiving well you give yes, which by the way are two very very important verbs that I work with in my work with couples a lot of giving and receiving Yes, well, there are seven key verbs, now You know, since I speak many languages, what you were saying before. I've always really enjoyed looking at love as a vocabulary and a language, and what are the key verbs that you need to be able to conjugate so that you can start speaking that language in every language there are some basic verbs that become the structure of the language, so in relationships it's asking how you feel by asking can you ask?

Do you feel comfortable asking? Do you feel worthy of asking? and therefore worthy of receiving because you asked for it you never ask because you don't want to have to never ask because you don't know what you need I mean the whole exploration of the verb ask do you enjoy giving? Do you find that you can pay off a debt? You feel like you give so you can ask later, you know? Do you feel enriched by giving? You feel? exhausted by it you calculate how much you give you know what your experience is in giving do you feel that they gave you what is your experience in terms of receiving? and you can use these verbs in the relational sense or even in the sexual sense just in my Working around sexuality I use the same verbs How do you feel when you receive?

It feels good? Do you feel worthy? Do you feel too passive? etc so ask give receive receive take um you know like little kids it's mine it's mine it may not seem good not to take it so it's also a way of saying I you know I don't need to just never eat because I feel like other people are hungrier can I take a piece is good there is enough for everyone I don't stand out I'm not greedy I'm not too much taking is a very important verb and certainly, taking sexually is an important verb also for sharing, imagining, playing, wanting and rejecting, because if you can't you can say no , you don't really have a good experience of knowing how to say yes, so these verbs really are kind of they're neutral they're rich they're deep everyone can interpret them in their own way they're a fantastic set of conversations they're all included in the cards but not like that but they are part of the questions that and The stories that are involved in the card game are so beautiful and I think you know the ability to be present to listen and enter has been usurped by our crazy modern lives and technology and I think that's the beauty of coveting.

I personally witnessed how much I was in a fast-paced way of life that didn't allow me to fall into the present into myself in relationships, even in my job, the way I wanted to, and you know, have this game that is so fun and easy and interesting it's like let me read you some other questions yeah it gets us out of all that busy doing crazy stuff and into a relationship I mean I've sat in groups you know? six to eight people where one round took literally two hours, I mean, they're exciting stories, uh, and often people don't even know what they're going to tell, they start like you, yeah, I don't know anything that's difficult and suddenly , The story is presented, you know, a game is a container.

Play is the creation of a space where people get permission to explore, be curious, ask questions, open up and disclose under the guise of play, so it's a fantastic container for creativity. for imagination for surprise and um storytelling is the oldest thing that people do when they get together they tell stories so last week a guy got a brave card and then he got the brave question and then the message was something I need to work harder now, that was the story card, so basically you have everyone submit your story cards and you can choose one of them, unless people put tokens where they start putting peer pressure. group, so he chose the one that said: I have to work. harder and the next thing he starts telling us is that he has always avoided conflict and that he always makes everything seem like it's okay, everything is fine and then what that led to and it was like we had done it.

I never met this person there were some of us who had never met this person and I'm telling you, don't bother asking what you do, the guy runs a mega company, you know this and that and the other is irrelevant, this gave you an entry to this person's story, his life, yes, there is and it was like wow and that's the effect that you really want, you go away and you remember exactly what people have told you, I think that's a key point because I think most people are. I'm not very good at inquiry, curiosity, questions and relationships, and what I find is when I meet someone, if I just start asking them questions and I start asking them their story and I get it out, and people are very happy to share and never they ask them and it is a very powerful tool to build connection, relationship, intimacy and that is what your cards do, which is what I love, especially now that you know that people come to work and someone says, how was the pandemic for you? you?

I know, I want to respond, I want to say something, but at what level what can I say? How interested are you really? So to create these questions that are basically containers, they give you a framework so that you can then improvise and be spontaneous. you get just the right amount of both you know you get rules and then you get everything once you follow the rules you get all this expansive space where you can ask a bunch of questions that are relevant right now you know one of the things it's keeping me up at night , yeah, well, you know it's interesting, you know, what I found in my relationships is like when I take the time to go in and really get to the deeper layers of conversation of what's underneath our stories and sharing it is really powerful. . and I didn't make these cards but I made another series with my wife and it was such a beautiful way to learn from each other to understand what moves us and motivates us and what uplifts us what scares us what inspires us and I think you know which we don't really get a lot of those opportunities in life and it's so beautiful it's like such a beautiful invitation that you've created so we have the safe for work version so you can pull out all the cards that have a pink triangle which are the which are for the date and for sex, so yeah, you can, so it has its multiple um settings where you can play and what are the questions that are appropriate here and maybe.

It's not suitable there, so it's made for you, so you don't have to worry constantly. Can I ask? This is too personal. Alright? You know you get permission because you have chosen the colors you are going to use. playing with but yes curiosity active listening asking for more my favorite question in therapy but also in play is tell me more tell me more yes that's the therapist's joke although it's like tell me more what do you think about it tell me more, yes, there's always more, yes Do you want to know my secrets to living a long, happy and healthy life?

Well, all you have to do is check out the picks from my weekly newsletter where I share my favorite tips for health, longevity, wellness and more. more check it out and link below thank you so much for everything you do and inspire so many people and help people navigate a very difficult landscape that is much more difficult than the disease. Honestly, I think you make it much harder than I do to network relational health. and physical health, I mean, we didn't even touch on that, how much these two are related, you know, stress at home, domestic violence, the pressures of caregiving go directly to your body, yeah, right, I mean, that's a topic. completely different, but we have cursors.

Sometimes, well, the interesting thing about this, to finish, is that women tend to live longer when they are single and men tend to live longer when they are married and in relationships. I don't know what that says about relationship dynamics, maybe you don't serve women as well as men, sometimes that's an old body of research, you know a woman's quality of life emotionally speaking often decreases when she is married and the quality of a man's health in a relationship is increased and that has to do with the dynamics of power, care and responsibility or what we call emotional labor, surely there are many more things than what we could talk, but thanks, hey youtube, if you like this video, you'll love the next one. click on it to watch it today if anyone is listening to your depression, anxiety, mental health issues, what are the ways of eating that really cause a problem and then when we're going to get into one of the ways of eating that can really fix the problem , Yeah.

Then we'll go out into the sun. That's a great question.