(Valerie Harper Roast) Dean Martin, Rhoda, Best of 1975

tonight we are here to pay tribute to the star of the rotor show

valerie

harper

and everyone is here tonight except karl malden he was a little late someone stole his american express card

valerie

you are unique you can sing dance you can do comedy bits, dramatic scenes, how many actresses can do that just you and ruth buzzy, then one day she told herself that if she was ever going to make it it would be in california, well she went to california and went there Valerie gained instant recognition in just a couple of Weeks, all the head waiters in Hollywood knew her, they even had a special name for their waitress, after that, things started happening one day when she auditioned for the Mary Tyler Moore show and the producer said there was no end to it.

There is no beginning for this girl's talent either. Our next guest, the little rich man does so many imitations that when he speaks in his sleep, his wife applauds which he looks at, thank you, Dean, as you know, I make an impression of you. Would you like me to do it for you? I know what you said. What do you drink anyway? This has to be a spectacle. It has to be ginger ale. That's ginger ale. I'm Sammy Davis Jr. Now I do a lot of gallery traffic and you have even more fans than Do you think when I was in Washington recently some of your biggest fans asked me to deliver a message to you and here's one from henry kissinger high five nancy and I watch your show every Monday night?

I must say that we found it very funny here's one of teddy kennedy uh well uh uh valerie uh all of us uh kennedy uh we want, of course, to send you the

best

and every week our whole family tunes in to the road show and if you are the family couple Catholics on the block, well, that's enough. to keep anyone in the top 10 for the next 50 years here's a message from President Ford now I'm not really sure how much of a fan you are of President Ford Valerie and my fellow Americans. I would like you to know that Congress has introduced a bill.

To congratulate Valerie Harper for being the woman of the moment, I also want you to know that I vetoed him. I would like to introduce our next guest. She is the wonderful star of the Jeffersons, Isabelle Sanford, the lady who always carves George Jefferson down to size, Miss Isabelle. sanford valerie and eutv ladies have to stay together someone once gave me advice on how to stay successful there are some very important things to keep in mind things like protecting your image the first thing you should do is drive carefully remember if you ever have a accident the newspaper spent your real age, speaking of age, whenever someone asks you, just tell them you are around 30, give or take a little number two, go back to your previous weight, go back to weighing, the bigger you are, fewer people will be able to fit into the scene with you and Always remember darling, keep your name in the public eye, get in the gossip column, start playing with someone other than your husband, even if you don't get publicity, why would you Does it matter?

Now listen to me, Valerie, here's something I was told that's really important. when you climb that ladder of success break every rung make sure no one can follow you look at me i used to have to sit at the back of the bus and at the back of the train since i had my own series the company gave me a driver so now i have to sit in the back of the car, ladies and gentlemen, a fine young actor, enjoy it every week as Rhoda's husband, Mr. David, grows up. Now most of the speakers tonight have been fine, they have been talking about the negative side of Valerie.

Harper and that's certainly understandable, but I thought I'd take a different approach. Talk about the good things about Valerie. Well, nothing happens. Many people want to know what it's like to play someone's husband on a television show. I wonder how he feels. kissing a big TV star, I really wouldn't know, you'd have to ask Valerie, so to give you an idea of ​​what this lady is really like, I remember when Rhoda first came on air, Valerie said: I'm going to get to the summit, but I don't want to destroy anyone on my way up unless, of course, I help a gentleman, a comedian well respected for his pears, ears, ears, red buttons, one, I've been watching him, friend, you You've been saving it. pretty good pretty good you're not going to believe this folks you're not going to believe this right here today in the Lions Den lounge right here in my favorite hotel the grand

dean

mgm drank two fifths and a waitress that's why they did it Why a dinner for Valerie Harper when some of the greatest women in the history of the world never had a dinner?

Who told Adam in the Garden of Eden? What do you mean the kids don't look like you've never had a dinner party? an apple but I never had a support for dinner in my ear who once said to moshe diane how come the arabs have gas? we have heartburn noah's wife stephanie noah's wife stephanie who's ready to find out after it rained for 40 days and 40 nights it's your tour to put the papers down jack the mother of the ripper

rhoda

ripper the one who said jack how come I never see you with the same girl twice martha washington who told her husband george sure let you leave the house one night people tell it I slept here you slept there Mrs. evil knievel she once told her husband why do you always fall apart this testimony is not baseless valerie you are proof that a girl can succeed in this business and become a big star, a big star by studying fighting, persevering and bringing coffee from mary tyler moore ladies and gentlemen here is a great lady a wonderful comedian and I love her miss phyllis dylan I love this man but I really wish he didn't drink so much and Dean claims he only drinks when he smokes right now he smokes up to eight cartons a day you love my dress I'm lucky Milton is wearing a tuxedo tonight but Dean, I know why you invited me here tonight just to stand here and shoot a charming, successful girl like Valerie Harper.

Thanks

dean

, but when I think about it, why should I insult Valerie? I mean, your uh

rhoda

show is in its second season. I had a series once you know, my watch lasted longer, of course, I think I'm less temperamental than you. Valerie, I asked your director if you were difficult to work with and he said, have you seen Jaws? and the last director who yelled at Valerie Cut was that I can't even insult Valerie's body. She looks wonderful and used to be fat and chubby to me. That would be a step forward, ladies and gentlemen, the most talented artist and a friend of mine, Mr.

Jack Alford, before we begin, I would like you to know that I canceled a dentist appointment to be here and, if you want to know the truth, I think I made a terrible mistake, but it's actually really nice to be here because there are some old friends here that I don't see very often, like Shelly Winters, for example, something occurred to me about Shelly in her first big spot in the sun, the They drowned in the Poseidon adventure, they drowned her too, Shelly, I have a feeling that they are trying to tell you something and now Valerie, I will answer you now before I do, I would like to thank a friend of mine from Broadway, Nancy Walker.

Turns out, I know you sacrificed a lot to be here with Valerie tonight. Your self-esteem after working in the business all these years. It's nice to see us co-star in a series with one of the great comedic personalities of all time, Rock Hudson. a lot of personality rock has the only man i know can walk into an empty room and blend in and now i come back to you valerie i oh i almost forgot about my very dear friend ava gabor amer still upholding the tradition of the gabor sisters last night she came out with a six million dollar man and today he is known as the three million dollar man.

Valerie, it really is time for me to come back to you, but I see that a lot of me has expired. I took it out of my insurance policy. so I want to say that everything that others have said that day about you also applies to me. I love you ladies and gentlemen. A dynamic actress who has starred in all media. Shelley Winters. Thanks for that wonderful presentation, Dean. You know that you are a very person, a unique man, you are the only Italian I have never married, it is very difficult for me to put down people, but looking at you Valerie, somehow it is easy, you are an eccentric lady.

I remember when you won your Emmy, in your speech, you thanked your psychiatrist. Now Dean Martin has won millions of awards. Did he ever compliment his waiter? Lipsy Russell won awards. Did you ever thank his healer? shelly winters ladies and gentlemen a man who has made a great contribution to the world of laughter mister milton berg thank you it's a thrill for me to be here tonight it's more than a thrill it's a damn inconvenience that's what it is I don't know much I like it work because I have a problem. My wife ran away with my

best

friend and I miss him.

Well, you have to laugh. You'll have to laugh faster because I have to fly back to New York after the show. A Beam and New York City. You're giving President Ford a big dinner on the separate automatic controls, Nancy Walker, you look great, you've gone down in height and when the little rich guy first came from Canada, he could only do two voices, Nelson Eddie and a moose, I'm very happy. about jack halverson's success he just signed a three-year contract with general motors he bought a new car valerie didn't become a star overnight hard work perseverance she made many drivers one of t.w.a don't you remember me valerie from new york we were together at a dinner about 10 years ago and where you were honored at 12 I was there 10 or 12 years ago I was there I remember you very well because I never forget a but get dressed this is where the excitement is las vegas I have I have To drink Last night, a guy came up to me at the casino and said, would you like some action?

I said yes, so he picked me up. This is a wild town. There's a woman attacked here every 60 seconds. You did not know. No. I don't have a minute now. I would like to say one thing about this lovely woman of the moment, Valerie. I'm very happy about your success and your high ratings and how fantastic Rhoda is doing, but if you'll allow me. make a comment in all honesty uh valerie, you made a big mistake. I should have played his sister now, ladies and gentlemen, here's a guy playing a divorced man who is cynical, depressed and a drinker, which earned him an Emmy for comedy Ed Asner, let me tell you something. about valerie the

harper

when she first came to the mary tyler moore show we all knew she was going to be a star how did we know?

Because she used to sit on the set memorizing Mary's life now before she finished the first season Mary was leaving Val laughed a lot, was it that or Mary found the tires on her car slashed every morning. Now there are some personal things about Val that you may not know, for example, Valerie Harper is married. A lot of people don't know this, including Valerie. and there's his big heart, his generosity, I mean, for example, while he was on the maritime war show, he won three and four Emmy awards, I lost count and every time he won he insisted on sharing them with the rest of the cast for two dollars by glance. ava grabber the lovely ava gabor recently lost 10 pounds she lost a diamond earring thank you you know you're so funny i wish you were my lover i love a good laugh tonight i'm here for the lovely valerie oh valerie you look so beautiful in that dress darling, No one would ever dream that it's from last year, why didn't you come see me first?

I would have warned you about that dress, you never know what you get when you rent a dress for the evening, don't do it. just look down help me so we want you to meet julie conniver no cavener i know it's kevin uh what she was an instant sensation from the moment the show first aired even the producer said she's better than valerie and she still says that to anyone she meets at the unemployment office, the children of rose, brenda morgenstern's sister, oh, so this is a

roast

, well, all these people valerie put you down, you know, it really hasn't been easy for me to sit back and listen to all those terrible things I've been saying about you, I mean, a couple of times I really wanted to jump out of my seat and just shout hello, but I'm really, really glad I came.

I mean, we really do this on the way to set, but it's more fun to say these things to your face, but Valerie convinced me to come here and really poured out the charm that she said. Look, I'm not trying to be your big sister, but think of this as a request coming from someone who likes you. You respect yourself and you can get yourself fired like that, but yes, I really understand that the point of this

roast

is to brutally attack some of the people I love more than life itself and I told them I wouldn't do that, but then they told me how much They were paying me money, so Valerie, stick it in your ear, the poet, Mr.

Nipsey Russell, tonight we're cheering for Valerie Harper and I'll lead the cheers, it's a pleasure to support Rhoda. I've been a roto-rooter for years, it's a sincere compliment andI know you wish you could jump up and kiss me, but don't because once you go black, you never go back. The road show is based on two relationships, the mother relationship and the marriage relationship, the mother relationship I don't fully understand since you are doing so well, why do you still have a mother working as a maid for rock hudson? the marriage relationship now let me see I have a distorted impression of marriage I have from the people who live in the apartment next door to me now this woman has enough mouths for other real teeth, she jumps on her poor husband the moment he walks in to the house, why do you come here half drunk? he said because I ran out of money.

In the context of having a star on television, I am all for women's liberation, I want that equality. Rights amendments will be passed. I am totally in favor of women's lives. I want to see women be equal to men instead of being as superior as they have been, but if equal rights for men and women continue, life will be very sunny one day. I see a woman as a soccer coach and now I will be a Playboy bunny. I would like to call Georgia. Georgia. Georgia Angle from the Mary Tyler Moore show. In fact, she is one of the sweetest and shyest people you will ever meet.

She is so shy that when she bathes she blindfolds herself every time they ask me to be at one of these barbecues they ask me to invent some very rude singers for them however it seems that something is always missing in my things so as always the staff gave me some things to say about the guests on the stand some clouds some wraps and some sticks here's my first rap glad to see jack carter here tonight he always speaks his mind unfortunately he limits his conversation to 30 seconds here's another one Zinger, there are red buttons there.

Red went from comedy to drama and it happened right in the middle of his act. I don't know why they made me say that, Mr. Buttons. I know you do both high drama and low comedy and it's the lowest it's always nice to see Dean Martin here. You don't usually run into a guy like Dean. You usually stumble upon it. I see Shelly Winters is sitting on the stand. Shelly is very unusual. Her mouth is registered as a dangerous weapon. That's a terrible thing. To say Miss Winters, I admire people who are not afraid to say what they feel and speak out loud and no one speaks louder than you and now we come with our guest of honor, my good friend Valerie Harper, all her life, Valerie He has had a fear that people won't like him so he went to a psychiatrist now he has learned to live with it now he knows that I would never say something like that I know that Val is worried about many things his weight figure talent for hair and he has reason should care oh right Now I would like you to meet the person responsible for the way Valerie acts and speaks.

Her theater coach from New York, Mr. Foster Brooks. I'm sure very few of you know that Denmark Dean Martin spent a lot of time on the New York scene and he also spent a lot of time on the streets of New York and very few of the homes let me through my law for a long time , I saw my old friend and boopoo star valerie cooper when mime came to me for the first piece lessons he has, he had a speech problem so I tried the best way possible to straighten him out with tongues, where he wanted to straighten her out with season twin tornadoes, she said, well, now that was her favorite, this one is laughing, the Sicilian one is funny.

I always liked the rubber baby in the onesies, but wherever your body is in the baby bunker, just try that three times fast. I will say one thing about the little harpoon. She never forgets an old friend. She sometimes she comes and lectures in classes. my workshop the methodist grill a man who the shark in the jaw said is my kind of person mister jack carter delighted to be here it really is a wonderful evening it is a very patriotic night the dean is celebrating the bicentennial just this morning he had his drink from 1776 valerie this is a great emotion.

I come here tonight with a great feeling of anticipation a great feeling of excitement actually it's more of a feeling of pity this is the most pitiful collection I have ever seen in my life look at all these leftovers from bowling for dollars this is lamadine these are the big names the first time i attended a dinner where celebrities needed name tags to identify themselves what the growth is, i don't know and uh, harold goyle, jamie far jeffy, i can understand when he shaves, he's not a guy wide and bad looking. I know what a beautiful night it really is and there are some nice ladies that I appreciate seeing here greats like Phyllis Diller and Shelly Winters, the wind and the lion, so I wouldn't bother with Shelly, I wouldn't put her down, who the hell can pick her up? shelly in show business parlance you're really a heavyweight Phyllis you look beautiful bye she's just beautiful the only woman I know gets dirty phone calls for collection I'm earning a few laughs milton I laughed when you died fight with nipsy russell that one It's the best smile In the world, isn't it pearly?

And what else would you wear with pearls but basic black all night? I've had so much excitement that you don't want to spend two hours sitting next to Ava. Good morning, but they are honey, what did they do? they say and chad chad bubola chad everett look at him sitting there with the old glenn campbell air daddy you never sit in a tuxedo with your arms crossed they'll bury you like that how could we move on and let go of the beautiful foster streams we brought? I especially hope to hear from Dean so you can see what you will look like in three years, ladies and gentlemen, the co-star of Valerie's 11-year marriage, Mr.

Richard Shaw, I am very happy to share with you the tribute to Valerie. Since I don't see her very often, the only way we communicate is through little notes we leave each other, little notes like uh please pass me the butter, I went to write down another note from Valerie, dear penis , you have been great. away don't mess it up just say and now ladies and gentlemen here's valerie now ladies and gentlemen here's valerie thank you idiot and thanks to dean dean I've been a fan of yours for a long time, really, a long time, I mean, when I first saw you in a nightclub.

I knew you were a success and you've been devastated ever since. I would also like to recognize this god, his humor, his wit, his improvisations. I mean, this could start a new trend in tragic television situations. A few days ago, Dean told me that he needed to get some more big names for this show, so I made an emergency call to Jack Carter to see if he knew any big names and it's really nice to see Isabelle Sanford here. Hello Isabelle Gee. I never get the chance to see you often enough. I wish we were best friends.

Of course, I never make it to your part of town. Beverly Hills. Phyllis is very lucky. She never has to go to the beauty salon. I mean she just goes to boy in the man's garage and they remove the dents from his body you always amus me nipsey really, really, I love your uh, your poems, there's something else that's certainly not poetry, Nixie has toured a long way on this. In fact, there is a brass plaque on the house she was born in that says two miles to Willie May and Milton Milton's house. You were incredible.

You did something so sweet here tonight. Do you know people who, according to the bicentennial of our country? spirit all the jokes milton told tonight were 200 years ago and back in the day everyone knows jamie farr from the mash show and now you know he's not joking in that dress a few minutes ago he slipped chad everett his phone number where is angel ava since she was green acres? canceled i see you now every afternoon on those game shows now i can tune you out five times a week i had a former student of mine here from the mary tyler moore show georgia engel georgia is really the sweetest girl i know she's so sweet i think she was bitten by Pat Boone, although I love Nancy, but what a mouth she has, she bit her tongue once when she got food poisoning and there it is, my son's sister, Julie Cavner, plays Brenda on the Rotor show.

Now Julie lives by one big motto, you just go. appears once in a lifetime and can't wait to get started chad everett, you all know him as doctor joe gannon at chad medical center, you've always had a taste for the dramatic and you showed it tonight on this comedy show and darling Husband Richard Richard Shaw I really love him and we are very happy, we really are after many years in this business struggling and trying to get ahead. Both of their careers are going pretty well now I'm finding success in rhoda and dick. do it with Phyllis well, that's all except I would like to say one thing that I would really love.

I love this business. I love acting. I am proud to be part of the acting profession. I have had many wonderful opportunities working. on Broadway and I've done movies, of course, appearing on television with Mary Tyler Moore, which got me my own show. There were all of these, they were all wonderful experiences and now, tonight, you can't win them all.