Dwayne Perkins - Dry Bar Double Feature

a big sports fan, you know, I'll watch anything, even though I'm crazy that way, I'll watch anything only if it's on like the other day, I turned on my TV and uh. the marathon was on, yeah I'm just watching people run you know, but watching the marathon gave me an idea and I think you'll agree, I think it's time we admit that there should be two winners of the marathon, there should be two winners. right, two winners, the African who actually wins and then like the non-African, you know what I mean, listen if you run, if you're running a marathon, okay, you're white, American, black, Latino, Asian, whatever. whatever you say, you're running a marathon and I came in seventh place, but the six people before you were all African and then you won the marathon, yeah, I mean, like you beat all the non-Africans, I think you should be very proud. of yourself for beating all the non-Africans like you would.

You wouldn't tell it if it was like a guy on a bike. You wouldn't count the same. Yeah, the guy who won didn't even know he was in the race. He was just, he was going to go visit his cousin, he was like, oh, I won, okay, cool, I'll take it, he ran, he ran, he ran the race in less than two my uh, less than two hours 26 miles in less. two hours yeah, I live in Los Angeles like You can't even drive to the next city in two hours, like I live in Los Angeles. If you can go somewhere 10 miles away and if the traffic is really bad it can take two hours, yeah, so he'll beat you there.

He'll just be there relaxing and taking a bath, he already read a book, you know what I mean, but at least running is safe, although at least running is safe because, actually, I'm not too into sports, but recently I did something very insecure. I was in New Zealand. Well, I went to New Zealand because I wanted to

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the black population, so I did the same reason. By the way, I came to Provo, but while I was in New Zealand I was tricked into rafting. Went. rafting and they said it was for beginners okay I'm a beginner that's perfect right we do this there's a 22 22 foot drop yeah it's the largest commercial drop the non commercial drop in the world how is that?

Beginners I just don't know how you fixed your face to tell me that, how did you say that? With a straight face, it would be like if you went to a boxing gym, you never box a day in your life. They're like Hey guys, I just want to learn some things. I never box, but you know, I just want to learn some things. This is how you do it. Don't know. I just want to learn. They are fine. you're great, you're just getting started, okay let's get your ring out with Mike Tyson, he'll show you some things, come here, okay Mike, 22 foot drop, you see the pictures, we're on the raft, they took pictures of us. go down the cliff we go down and then you don't see us we're in the water it's crazy and mine is look I'm from brooklyn new york okay like yes and brooklyn brooklyn like brooklyn you understand what I'm saying like crack brooklyn shooting brooklyn stabbing brooklyn no not just new brooklyn no no vegan cupcake brooklyn I'm not from that I'm from brooklyn brooklyn and the thing is that you don't want to survive at all well just survive the crack of the projects shoot, stab cops, all that and then die in New Zealand like rafting, that's not a good look, yeah, that's why we're not too adventurous, black people, us, our life was full of adventure, we have the v, we get all the adventure out.

By the way, you know what I mean, that's why I'm provo now that I'm done with the adventure, but it's crazy, imagine if I had died in New Zealand, it would be like you were a decorated war hero and served three war tours and you came home and choked on a skittle like you're still a hero really like what and I should've known it was my fault 'cause I'm from Brooklyn I wasn't paying attention, they told me what I was I wasn't paying attention when I walked in that door , they told me I just wasn't paying attention because I said it right there, I looked it up right there, I said it right there, it was rafting, so I should have met you.

I could break down the entire title. I should have known, white, I'm not white, water, that's not our problem. You know, that's not our problem. Have you ever been to a black pool party? That's just a poolside party. That's all. That doesn't belong to anyone. on the water and rafting the last time my brother was angry he was in huckleberry finn, you understand himself, I should have known, he was actually in australia too, right, which is pretty cool, I love australia, it's cool, the only thing about australia, which is a little weird i'm walking around australia around 6 pm i walk by the courthouse and the judges call them baristas they leave and still the judges in australia still wear those silly powdered wigs it's really silly it's like guys don't do it I don't have to do this anymore, can you imagine being sentenced to life in prison and saying, hey man, I understand what I did, but can you seriously take off your wig if you have to send me away and like a black guy?

I don't want to look up and see a judge who looks like a 19-year-old white guy, excuse me, from 1684. You know what I'm saying? Can I get a new white guy? I want a modern white guy, no. So, can we update it please? Comedy has been good to me. I have been lucky to travel all over the world. You know, I've been to China many times, which is great. Yes, not recently. Don't be free. I love it. china every time i'm in china the wait happens i promise you about five times a day a random chinese person comes up to me and wants to take a photo with me this happens about five times a day and i never know what's going on because I always ask myself: do you want to take a photo of me because you think I'm a famous black guy or do you want to take a photo of me because I'm a black guy like me?

I'm not sure what I want to say. autographed his forehead anyway just to be safe stay still hostile hostel eddie murphy let it dry let it dry stay still but I'll tell you of all the places I've been, in a sense I appreciate China the most because as a New Yorker it's a billion of people with a b I love to just rush like I can barely keep up even being a New Yorker it's crazy you know like a black guy you figure I got some space no people pushing me shovel me beautiful one an old lady grabbed a piece of my shoulder and pushed him like I was setting him a choice, you know, I'm telling you, if you go there, you have to get used to personal space.

It's different in China. You have to get used to it because in China personal space ends at the skin. that's the skin in that's you that's your space let's go out that's us let's share that's everyone's I was actually in a I was actually getting on a train in the subway and the train stops and like you just see, say this is the door only 20 people right at the door but on the train 20 people right at the door looking to leave and they're looking again and you look at it like how is this going to go what's going to happen here and then the door goes It opens and they happen to pass through each other and you say: wow, that osmosis is incredible because they tell you that two things cannot occupy the same space at the same time.

I just saw that this was something else. Some other things I say about China, one is that I love it, I know I'm joking, but I really like it because as a New Yorker, I like that they're not touchy-feely, I mean, we've become touchy-feely Americans, now we're touchy-feely. you go to the pharmacy, walgreens, cvs, tonight someone cut someone else off in line, sure, it's going to be a problem like definitely cursing, maybe stabbing, possibly shooting, these are all things that will happen in China, that's it the only thing they don't do. They get angry when they cut themselves They blame themselves for cutting themselves Yes, it's not surprising They blame themselves They say no, it's my fault It's my fault because I left an inch between me and the person in front of me, but my case favorite what i call a witness of chinese efficiency i was on a plane i was on a plane from qingdu to shanghai it was great i looked around and noticed i'm the only westerner on the whole plane, like there were no white people, not even just me and China on this plane right now we've all flown you know how you fly we're leaving you know you're flying you have the window seat you have the window seat but the first thing you have to do is go to the bathroom you hold it for as long as You can because you don't want to be that guy, right, we didn't get to that breaking point.

We think I'm sure that if I pee on myself I'll get angrier than ever. I ask him why you were worried. It's always good, so you finally turn to the guy in the middle and say hey man, sorry, I have to go to the restaurant, right, he says oh, no problem, no problem, turns to the guy in the hallway, hey, this guy is I have to go to the bathroom because of the problem next thing next next seat belts fasten the tray tables they put on their headphones they take off their blankets they are taking off their shoes they put on this guy comes out this guy comes out you come out because you say screw it, come on everyone now go to the bathroom every time there is a song and a dance there is a better way people there is a better way I saw it in china it says like that in china right but they are all chinese so that is important that you try to use their Chinese they know the drill you're in a window seat you have to go to the bathroom and without warning you start climbing over these two people you just climb but they don't care they say: oh, you have to go to the bathroom, that's great. "Come on, let's go again.

It's amazing and it's more efficient. It's really more when you think about it because you can keep watching your movie. You have to put a second of butt in your face and then write a second about going back to the beginning." movie now, to be fair, someone respectfully pointed out that this is possible there because in China butts are a little smaller, yeah, like you can't do this in Mississippi, you're like, oh god, oh please, stop, me I'll get up, let me go. Upstairs please there is nothing I like about Utah and many different things not only Utah but I also like it when people are nice they help a lot even if you don't whatever if people are Kind, helps a lot and that's what I'm telling you.

The people I go to, you can always be nice, you know? And I think people don't understand it like they do in Los Angeles. People don't understand it. My thing is that you can always be kind. My thing is that you don't lose your temper, you abandon him. You always have control you just think you don't have it and me and people say no that's not true sometimes no you do I'll show you because listen I know I was a troubled kid I used to get into fights when I had a kid, I know you're always in control, I used to lose control when I was a kid, luckily now I don't know, like I once hit a kid in the face in fourth grade with a can full of country lemonade, yeah.

I mean, he deserved it, but it was still when you hit a kid in the face with a can full of country time lemonade in fourth grade, it affects his fifth grade. I'm not sure if you know this, but I'm from New York, so it was different, like him and his brother, they said we'd get you in the summer, but I never think they didn't want him with me, they're like that kid was crazy, use field time. lemonade as a weapon, but from that moment I learned that I am in control, after that I started saying that I had to do better and I did better, you are always in control, I will show you, here is a classic example, say that you're driving.

This always happens, you're driving and someone cuts you off. Heck, sure, and sometimes, depending on how bad it is, you're as angry as you are, you just get so angry that you just want to reach out to that person and turn your back on them. that's all you want to do, you want to reach it and give them the bird, that is your right, if you reach it and give it the bird and you just die, you will die with a smile on your face, so to achieve this right you are going in and out traffic you're following this guy now you're 20 miles out of your way you're trying to catch up you know you missed your little brother's birthday party screw him you know what I mean I just have to get to this guy right I finally got it you reach you're getting closer you can't believe it you're rolling up your sleeve you're stretching your finger you're preparing it you know you're putting lotion on it, you're putting movement in your hand because you don't want to give him the bird and he goes, you have to ask your finger, you don't want that happens, that would be embarrassing, so you're next. for him, now, finally, this is the time you're going to let this guy know how you feel, hey, hey, hey, hey, buddy, remember me and you're about to do it.

You have that first knuckle, that second knuckle is about to appear and you look. in that car and you realize it's tip night, sugar night, now some of you don't know who he is, he's like a six foot four black man, big man, founder of death row records , member of the blood organization, as in crips and bloods, maybe vanilla hung. By the way, ice from a window, maybe it kills Tupac or Biggie, we're not sure but some of you said you had me on Black Dude, no I'm not, yeah but what I mean is you ain't pointing withfinger. now you're in control suddenly now you're like clearly up I'm going to be the bigger person here I'm not going to give it to people that shows that you were in control the whole time so the golden rule in life is to do to others like you would have done it with you I don't know why that doesn't work I propose a new golden rule okay, here is my new golden rule treat others like they are gentlemen just treat everyone like sugar night like you' You're in the line and everything you got is like a lipstick, right, a sugar night is behind you with a lot of things, but you know, you know what shook you, you know, keep going, keep going, Bob, you know you got Enough, that's all I have and besides.

I don't feel comfortable with you behind me, so please, go ahead, go ahead, send, go ahead, uh, I want to tell you about all my trips and those things that you learn and just live. In fact, you know, I'm sure everyone here has different ones. perspectives on things as you get older and what I've learned. I've learned a lot of things and one thing I like to tell people because I think it's one thing and I think we should do it right and I learned that, uh, at the end of the day, white people dance better than everyone else.

They just don't. , there's not a lot of acceptance of this concept, right, non-white people are suspicious, even even white people, here you are looking at me like no, Dwayne, no, I don't think that's accurate, in fact, listen to white people . dance better this is the reason why I have studied this, I know why because white people when you dance, especially if you are drinking right when you dance, you have more fun than everyone else, especially if you are drinking like I have seen white people dancing. I'm like huh, how do I get that? I've never had so much fun.

It looks incredible. I don't know what's going on there and why you're having so much fun. Two reasons I thought of this. Two reasons. A. I think it's just a pure celebration of your whiteness. What I'm saying is that I'm white and I'm winning the hashtag and the other reason you have so much fun is that when you dance you have a freedom that I don't have, you're very free, yeah. And why are you so free? Well, because you're not, you're not married to the beat. I guess what I'm trying to do is that you're not going to let the rhythm tell you what to do.

That's freedom, my friends, you are. great, it's perfect, thank you very much