The N Y Friars Club Roast Of Jerry Stiller

that's why mercury for the biggest rock and roll tumor in the world where else are you really man well, I'm having a lot of fun playing that music again and with the drummer it's exciting to play great songs because the great songs play themselves, right? ever? I've been to fire school, disgusting, no, I've seen them my whole life, but we get squeamish about your bad language, no, are you kidding me, being a drummer on the road, no, no, I'm looking forward to this now, dr. Ruth, my dance partner and Stiller, sir, we want to meet you, excuse me, I have enjoyed your work for years, yes, yours and you have been a fire since 1952 51.

He loves you when I had my first concert at Bechtel, so let me ask you. You know, Jerry Stiller, he's just here as a plan, ironically, I'd have to say more as a fan, that's the paradox with Jerry. I think those closest to him are those who know him least and it is a constantly changing paradigm, a kind of enigma, I would say correct. I heard he was in primal scream therapy in dorm 17, that's what I heard, where he did a little primal scream. He and my mom have been very involved in therapy for the last 10 or 12 years, they like to talk about it and I think it's been amazing for their relationship, I mean, they've been married for 46 years to me.

I'd like to ask you this and you didn't feel uncomfortable having people working with glue in front of the truck and Jerry working well with glue. I'm planning on working with glue versus an injury, so I think that's going to be the strangest thing, it's just that they already know the whole can and people, I think I'm going to do it for mom. It's going to be weird if you like saying mom on Comedy Central. look, she cuts it down I pocketed the old switch called the old switch what I just did and you grew up here on the Upper West Side of New York I attended the well I attended many schools I went to a non-sectarian Hebrew and Episcopal school school so it was a little confusing and what was your name my Hebrew name was Benjamin and my Episcopal name was soft food thank you so you know it can be confusing having an Irish Catholic mother and a Jewish father I smell a Jerry Stiller comedy in one word I know you are not Rosen if you had not described them in one word what would have been mentioned not to Stiller but to Jerry what and therefore logarithm of ideas and a word Jerry Stiller circumcised a sexual bisexual muffin he confused a lemon muffin raped the whole the Boy Scout he's my hero muffin he's something beautiful father prominent home you know touching repeatedly go away let go approvals oh one last thing I asked you all what could you describe Jerry Stiller and one word what would it be I'm still trying to get it right Jeff, I think we've passed it marvelous.

It was truly an honor to be able to share this reading room. It's good to share comedy with young people. Okay, so let's go where you can't go. and we're going to go see the show we're going to see the show la rosa and we want to thank you all for joining us on behalf of Janeane Garofalo may the fires Club Comedy Central and David Gotha god bless you good night stay here for the Jerry Stiller

roast

at the New York Friars Club at 10:30 and in a special time slot The Daily Show with Jon Stewart at 11:30 now stay tuned for a new special Eloise neck from South Park Comedy Central presents New York Friars Club

roast

of Jerry Stiller starring Sandra Bernhard Susie Essman Kevin James Jimmy Kimmel Alan King Freddie Roman Jeffery Rob Ben Stiller and roast masters Jason Alexander and now Comedy Central's presentation of Jerry Stiller's roast at the New York Friars Club, please welcome him to the abbot of fire

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Alan Kane for 95 years, the Friars have been saying we only roast the people we love and then proceeded to ream a new ass tonight, it might be a little harder.

I never heard Jerry say a bad word about anyone. I am very sincere about this or ever swearing, so those of us who know him know that he is one of the most boring men I have ever met in my life, but how wonderful that the jury in the twilight of his career became in a star Nine Years is probably the most successful comedy show in the history of television posters. Oh, and now he's part of a wonderful new hit, King of Freak, and I've never heard anyone in the restaurant say let's eat quickly. Jerry is still on TV tonight, ladies and gentlemen, our roast master, a little giant.

Jason Alexander I wrote this little song to open the evening because I feel it speaks louder than any words to express my feelings about being here not long ago on my machine, a message from the Friars to finally join them and have some fun. I was wondering who The honoree for all the answers they gave me was, by the way, the guy we're roasting is Jerry. The machine on my phone didn't record anything else, leaving me excited to the core. I mulled it over excitedly as I thought of all the Jerry's that could be, could be Jerry.

Springer, wouldn't he be a big idiot? We curl our Barb's toes and give him the fryer toe or on my feet Jerry Falwell what a joy to make him crawl well, he would be a city pigeon, we would give him a dose of religion and Then that's Gerald Bull, who could strike a chord sensitive, we could take our punches and kick, you can't forgive that rat Nixon, it could be Jer García, tomba, dead head, Mamma Mia for a barbecue, that's a big yucca, let's grow a foot, Jerry, fool, could? to be Jerry Lewis, it would be a dream come true, as Dean and Franken Sammy are gone, but George persists and, like a Salif on

jerry

go mix, becomes a movie, I would start a rose with the wonderful Jerry Lee Lewis 8 before, but we would have a big Beamer bomb candy display, it would be a little catcher Tom and Jerry funny baby Jerry Maguire show us the money Jerry Brown there's a man of great renown who said he's a real tree hugger mom said he's a little sugar lady Jerry Van Dyke is like No more, what a shame he ate his brother Jerry Okay, wouldn't he be totalus Cherrye Hall, he's a rolling stone for the great man Jerry Seinfeld, now we're talking gold, my movie, he doesn't He's just the big winner of love, he could buy a damn dinner, you see. so many Mitch Jerry it would be an honor for me II when I heard I said murder that's French to make no sense then I said I guess it's funny and it has a famous Sonny and I'll make it a little funny it may not be quiet a thriller but it's just a one night killer let's make the most of it okay I'll be hosting Miss Rose the cherry let's put it on the Comedy Central presentation of Jerry Stiller's Neon Friars Club BBQ in Truckee bye Gia it's about time everyone has a good time. see your local Kia dealer today and visit sports.com, the best online sporting goods store on the day Jason Alexander Kevin James and cartoonist when Mia fighter

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near Jerry stores continue thank you very much and ladies gentlemen I want to thank Alan King for that lovely introduction, my goodness, Alan King, your fan from the days when he had a career, he's a Renaissance man, everything he's ever done was new in the 1500s, well, that's right, isn't it?

I mean, this is what it's all about. Every Jew I've dreamed of hosting a

friars

roast with since I was a kid has also dreamed of sharing a hot tub with Pamela Anderson and Julia Roberts, and luckily, look which of my dreams came true: Friars Club has a long history. and distinguished tradition of tonight paying tribute to the greatest artists in our nation's history, they have broken with that tradition and are honoring Jerry Scott like many of you. I'm here not only to honor Jerry the Foot, but to fulfill the community service portion of my sentence if someone had told me that working my shaft outside Gwyneth Paltrow's window was illegal.

Things could have been very different. Long story short, the judge sentenced me to two hours of leading an Alpha group. Now you may be wondering. In fact, it's impossible not to ask why Jerry. Stiller, why was I sent a wealth of information about Jerry Stiller's many accomplishments? I studied it carefully. The only substantial thing I could find is that he got a nice area six of them out of that blue Sullivan ad running Seinfeld and if he was on Seinfeld it was such an achievement that we'd be roasting Seinfeld, which frankly puts in the middle: dating teenagers and newlyweds, it's a much easier task to begin with, so by the process of elimination we have to conclude that this event, this set, this evening has been inspired. because of Jerry's portrayal of my father Frank Costanza on Seinfeld because it sure isn't because of what he's doing now on King of Kings or Queen for a Day, whatever.

Well, a lot has been made of the eccentric and outrageous multi-textured performance on our show, in fact, with my help he was even nominated for an Emmy. I helped both Emmys. I never got one, but I was a facilitator. Michael Richards. I got him a minute. Julia Louie Dreyfus got him an Emmy. Jerry Seinfeld. Some actors. you can't make it easy Jerry I love you and I adore you I'm your biggest fan I'm privileged to have shared the stage with you I think of you the same way I think of my real father as an old, seemingly endless drain on my patience in my pocket but you have something that my father doesn't have in fact you have something that I don't have and that's a job so I'm here to put up with you and in any way I can and I hope that eventually something will come of this and may God have mercy on all of us ladies and gentlemen, when Seinfeld left the air it created a void in American television viewing habits, preventing it from being so big that an idiot like Kevin James could have a television show called Kevin. is the star of King of Queens on CBS—yes, that's right, CBS—where every week 10 million viewers fill their colostomy bags while they sit back with their Swanson-free digestive protein and take in a good half-hour of comedy before settling in asleep during the theme song.

I've Never Seen the Shell Kevin plays a loving husband to a woman whose tits are smaller than her ladies and gentlemen's. The reigning king of television Kevin J. Thanks duckman, when I was asked to do this roast I was really intimidated because honestly this is not my strong suit, I'm really not cool, I mean saying mean things about people I love, like Jerry Stiller, luckily the writers of my show don't feel the same way, so here we go, okay, can someone tell me how? A guy can botch the Good Morning Douglas line ten times in a row, and yet one night a week the guy stands up in front of a group of strangers and has no problem saying Hello, my name is Jerry and I'm an alcoholic. actually, this is from our co-star Leah Remini, the lovely Leah Remini, who plays my wife on the show, yes, beautiful woman, she couldn't be with us tonight, but she sends us congratulations on your barbecue and says she wishes you relax, have a great time and PS: don't worry, her special friend finally showed up, you know what that means.

I remember these are the writers of King of Queens, not Seinfeld, people say Jerry Stiller demands a tough motherfucker, yeah, they forgot to give him a punchline. there, Jerry, sorry, Patton Oswald is here tonight patents on my show patent yes, yes, you think the guy who invented the tuxedo would have kept going if he'd realized a head like that would rear its head. I don't believe it. I think so. finished quickly Florence Henderson is here. I was very happy to see it live and up close. Yes, she now replaces Barbara Eden as the oldest woman. I would like to, friends, we will be late.

I'll just say that my very Brady Christmas will come early. year, get me going seriously, what I'd like to say folks, is that this man here honestly makes it a great time to work every day. I honestly thanked him from the bottom of my heart for being the first to be on my show because if he wasn't on my show, believe me, I know there wouldn't be a show and I want to thank him secondly for his friendship, he's really great and I love them. Thank you very much friends, Sandra Bernhard, Jimmy Kimmel and then Spiller.

Surprisingly, in that brief moment, Kevin finished, folks, what can you say about Susie Essman, especially when you have no idea who she is? I look at a resume, I see headlines and clubs across the country from Carnegie Hall to catch a rising star she's been around. dozens of TV shows and yet I swear I've never seen it before in my life. She could walk up to me on the street and kiss me on the mouth. I don't think she sounds familiar to me. She could appear naked up to her waist. with a grass skirt at the door of my hotel room tonight, let's say 11 o'clock, you know what I'd like to show, let's make it 11:30 and I'm not sure I can place it, but you know what I'm willing to be wrong as if I were happy to be wrong.

I'm desperate to be wrong. Leave it to you Suze and now that I'm on a sexual harassment lawsuit that will make Clarence Thomas and Anita Hill look like Blondie and Dagwood, let me introduce you to a delightfully non-ladylitigious and hysterically funny, Miss Susie Asma and I will be there. I'm so worth it tonight. I have to apologize. I have a sore throat, cherry nose, why I know why I said it enough. It wasn't cute carrot, you know, see, you're comfortable there, not really, no, what were you so cute and adorable? And I just understand, it's hard for me to say all those kinds of bad sexual things about you, but then I look at this. platform and I believe that he is not a miserable idiot.

I can have a field day Alan King Alan. Did you ever think that you had lived so long that your prostate would be as big as your ego? Maury Povich is here. You know more. I've always wondered. Why did you marry Connie Chung and then I realized that we all know that Jews love to eat Chinese food? What do we write? He's printing Christo's now. I'm so glad you're here, not because he's a great actor, which you are, but simply because you are. The only guy in this whole day and what would a Friars brother do without my dear friend Freddie Roman who he has been trying to sleep with?

To me for so many years it is pathetic Freddie, we have talked about this before but let me reiterate that I wouldn't deal with dr. roots, okay, you'll see, so listen, okay, no, I don't want to embarrass you because I know your kids are here and I know your kids Amy, I've known her for years. I just met Ben, we did a movie together, but who doesn't? I didn't make a movie with a good point and he played a rabbi, yeah, in the movie, yeah, and he's adorably Sean from Sexy and you can sum up all the things you're not and they're right and you guys don't hang out anymore, right?

No? public no, she was never that interested in this anyway, I mean, she's Irish, for God's sake, let's think that sex with Jerry or a Dewar's in the water is not content. I know you know what I'm really going to keep going. You know, I envy you. a wonderful woman because she's really amazing, I mean, think about this and she had sex with Jerry, she gave birth to Ben, she's the only woman I know who had Ben and Jerry over their welcome, she's a beefy monkey, she's Well, I can't talk. I have to go get a coat for my neck, calm down Freddy and that was funny Jerry I wish you many more years of success.

See you later, okay, good night, ladies and gentlemen. Jimmy Kimmel has been known as the fun and modern host of the show. The Emmy Award-Winning Game Show Makes Ben Stein's Money Modern and funny, of course, in his relationship with Ben Stein Jimmy is also the co-host and co-creator of a bunch of monkey shit called Show Man No, in all seriousness Jimmy is a wonderfully funny and creative gentleman and the fact that he has an Emmy and I don't is proof that this is a sad and sick business and on that note ladies and gentlemen a welcome big brother raccoon for Jimmy Kimmel is great to be in the Friars Club can they?

Guys, listen to me over the oxygen tanks, what an ego boost it must be to be roasted in the deep fryer. Jerry comes from a magical time in history when you didn't have to achieve that much to be famous 50 years in show business 50 years and They Had to Get Me Roast Didn't you make friends? Kevin James is here from the hit CBS show. Everyone loves Raymond so much that they'll even sit down to watch that shit half an hour early. Jeff Ross is here. This is a surprise. Yes, the Prince of the Friar, Jeff is the only friar under 70 years old.

He loves it here and you know, I was thinking about Jeff, in 20 years you'll have it all to yourself as Omega Man, the one we really should be. honoring tonight is Jerry's filler agent or whoever told them to drop that skinny old lady you used to work with, whatever happened to her, anyway, all of this isn't here yet, they're all in show business like the Judds, only they're ugly and scary. about this, Jerry really is their dad to us, he's a comedy character to them, he's dad, can you imagine that mouth yelling at you at a little league game, oh my god, I tell you what Ben, if I had a dad like that , I would be? gay too, but seriously a lot of harsh things have been said about you tonight, all in jest of course, and one day you'll remember this night and well, you're probably dead, so it won't matter now if you excuse me.

I'm late, we're roasting Adam Sandler's dad tonight, stay with us for Sandra Bernhard James Stewart and Jerry Stiller, ladies and gentlemen of the Rosie O'Donnell show and the Broadway stage, New York's finest gentleman. John McDaniel and the mcdee lights back there, next up is Ben Stiller. I think Ben Stiller is the best actor to ever do a scene with Scrooge dripping from his ear. Oh, I sure know. Some of you are thinking what. about Olivier's sperm soaked in hi or John Barrymore dripping vomit in the Scottish play, well, Ben was better than created and starred in one of the funniest TV shows in history, which is why it had to be canceled at 13 episodes, we were making you look bad.

I for one hope his star fades quickly and permanently so he can be unemployed and present this type of horse for my dad. I loved your work. Dunston reviews hey dad, hey kid, but he's never actually done one of these roasts and it's a very strange thing because in our house there was never this kind of thing. I mean, this is really fun for me and my sister, simply because if you knew my father's aversion to any kind of swear word, I would have a whole different level of enjoyment here tonight, I just want to say that it's actually very strange roasting your dad mainly because as everyone has pointed out he hardly has any negative qualities, I mean he's not a drinker at all so I'd say you have a bit of an unhealthy relationship with Seltzer he's not a womanizer at all and we've ever had a conversation about sex of any kind and I don't think now is the time to start, dad, you know something, you could say he's not a little confrontational, I think he'll do anything to give someone a good impression of himself.

Yes, he has a real dedication to his fans. No, he wasn't there for my sisters or my birth, but you know he was making a living on the road. I know he always felt very guilty about it when he called me for my bar mitzvah. I guess what we were doing. Ella murder She Wrote or celebrity giveaways, yeah, oh yeah, she's fine, both of us on that trip. I could hear the regret in your voice, yeah. Go ahead, growing up, I actually have wonderful memories of your incredible kindness towards virtual strangers. I remember one time he took me to a jazz club, remember this?

Yes, at one point one of the jazz bows came to my platform and where the drummer is. Well, I think the club strikers and he handed my dad a joint of marijuana as a friendly gesture, you know, my dad, not really being a refrigerator cat, took the joint out of courtesy, of course, I stole it. I'm surprised he would do something like that. and proceeded to smoke it with my best friend to teach you a lesson, a lesson that would start a drug habit that I have been struggling with to this day. I'm kidding, I'm kidding, but it really wasn't a bad acid trip when I was on. around 16 I decided to call mom dad who were on the coast.

I think you were screaming with the charo coochie-coochie girl aboard TV's Love Boat and you became panicked and disoriented in New York and I contacted you in the Sunset Hotel suite. Marquis and that's really where the depth of the emptiness between us became apparent when, in an effort to dissuade me, he said, hey, hey, kid, it'll be okay. I know exactly how you felt when I was 10 years old. I smoked a pipe. I got upset with the Italian bully on my corner and I was sick for two days. Then he put me on the phone with Bernie Kopell, who played the doctor tonight.

It's not about me, dad, it's about my regrets or my grudges, it's about you and it's your night. I'm very proud to say that neither my sister nor I have attempted suicide more than once, we haven't joined a cult or anything, so I think you've done an incredible job as a parent and honestly, I couldn't. I don't think of anyone else in the world who would have preferred to be my father. I love you, thank you Sandra Bernhard as Comedy Central's presentation of Jerry Stiller's Roast at the Friars Club continues, you know, for someone with such a long and busy career, Freddie Roman has accomplished amazing things.

When he was young he dreamed of being a comedian in the thriving, vibrant nightclubs of the Catskills resorts, soon Freddy's became one of Catskill's top attractions, which may help you understand why those magnificent hotels in the same mountains above those that were built soon collapsed and almost disappeared. back to the bowels of the land from which they were born, but Freddie Roman still had a dream, the dream of dragging all the decrepit artists out of upstate New York and placing them in the rest of America. First he conquered Broadway with the critically acclaimed Catskills on Broadway of which he was named director and great big pooh-bah, now he travels with this nostalgic shit to the deepest part of the country because only a gentle farmer with inbred hay seeds in Buck Idaho goes to bed with a knot in his chest from encountering a large schmaltz sandwich predator that we Love him ladies and gentlemen, he is truly a funny and charming man, so let's give him a big shout out.

We pretend to like you because you're the dean of this survey. Welcome Fred, your honor. Thanks Jason, you are living proof of that money. Fame and power increases with height it's so fitting that I've been asked to be here tonight to honor you, Jerry, I've been on TV, you've been on TV, I've been on Broadway, you've been on Broadway. I've been to them, a lot of people want me to be here tonight and couldn't make it. Mike Tyson actually tried to get here tonight. You know, Mike, the only man in America who drives a two-hundred-and-fifty-thousand-dollar car who actually got a license. plates for that car he wanted to be here Jerian looking for your biography and I know that you and Anne are happily married for all these wonderful 40 ideas and I reviewed stories about this is my favorite story from your life with Anne about the time he brought to house a dozen roses for and in his own broadcast and then, in the manner of the table, said: what did you do wrong? you did not say anything.

I just wanted to bring you a gift and that's how you act and Anne said, sure, now you want me to do it for you. I stayed in bed naked all week with my legs apart and you said: what's wrong with you? You don't have the laws. Thank you Jerry for all these wonderful years of laughter that you brought us in your work on stage with Ann and now your acting ability. and I swear, I hope one day you're mentioned in the same breath as Patton Oswalt. I love you and thank you for being our honor Sandra Bernhard Sandra Bernhard Sandra Berta Sorry friends, I love everything about Sandra Bernhard.

I love her looks I love the way she sings I love the things she says I love Madonna I love lesbians I consider myself one I love that she does her one-woman shows I have no idea what she's talking about I love her, I love her and you all will love her too, the goddess of love, ladies and gentlemen, I miss Sandra Bernhard, not long ago, when she was not so strong, a pretty man appeared haha, Carrie, soon there was a magic, very sad, most people never. Think about never letting the dream come true. Oh yeah, and Raj when we get back.

Jeffrey Ross is a very talented comedian. That's what he tells me. It must be true due to the fact that he appeared in Jay David and Conan. He was also seen with a guy called Bertram and he seemed suspiciously hanging out with a guy called Phil. Yes, a small role in the movie Eyes Wide Shut. He performed Tom Cruise's schwanz, which is not a meal. He won the coveted award from the Manhattan Cabaret Artists Association and Backstage Bistro magazine. award and really right after the Golden Globes, those are the two you want to have, we're lucky to have him here, ladies and gentlemen, Jeffrey Ross, hey, how are you lending a hand to your grill master Jason Alexander?

Everyone except Jason Jason, you were great on Seinfeld and I guess that'll be it, uh anyway, congratulations Jerry, you're the first person the Friars roasted, I wasn't in show business, it's really ironic because your son is the hip barometer and you just replaced Joy, as you can see the rest. of the cast of Seinfeld couldn't be here tonight apparently they broke their back carrying Jerry Seinfeld for eight years and Jerry Seinfeld beer tonight he had a previous engagement with a model over a lot of cash so Jerry Stiller has a star face and that star is Lassie, her Hebrew name is yes, and what about the great comedy team of Stiller and Meara?

Yeah, hopefully, a team that you're in Los Angeles killing it and ready to go on tour with qiong. The only time I saw the tool. performing live was at Henny Youngman's funeral and Henny was more fun Sandra Bernhard Holi Not me, Sandra Bernhard would be Arthur's dick dr. Ruth is here, how is she? again, dr. Ruth, where is she 90 and horny? He fell on my feet dr. Ruth is so sick of thatthe vagina has mice Janene, how are you, friend? Janeane Garofalo, let me give you some advice about your career, okay buddy, you can reject things, you say no, you're a great actress, but you took more bad photos and photo mashups. your last movie came out of the theater so fast they released it at Blockbuster what was the movie with mysterious men that movie was so bad I fired my agent Gene Siskel was going to review it at multi but took the easy way out after Jason The crew Alexander Allen on Jerry Stiller here to make the presentation on behalf of the New York Friars Club is the producer of tonight's event Ken Greengrass Freddie Roman, the dean of the Friars Club and the abbot of the Friars mr.

Allen King, ladies and gentlemen, you'll hear from my guest of honor, Jerry Stiller, in a moment, but before we do anything, one of the hardest things to do in our business is be a roast master at a Friars event. has been carried out magnificently tonight by mr. Jason Alexander, cherry, can we ask you to come over? You are an excellent athlete tonight. You had no choice and that is why it is my privilege to present you with the coveted Roast Award designed by Dome Crystal of France. Kenny, will you take it no? A funny award but it's for a funny guy and a brilliant actor.

Thank you for allowing us to have a fun night tonight. Personally, we don't care if you had fun, but congratulations, ladies and gentlemen, on Jerry Silla. I'm really very glad I'll be here tonight. My wife. My children came here tonight. Amy and Ben are going to go look for their birth parents tomorrow morning. I want to thank this entire bench who came here tonight to honor me the way they did. I know them. We will work. with them over the years and they never held it against me. I thank you for being here tonight and defending me.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Nobody pressed the record button, so we have to do the show one more time, but we will do it. just add the last thank you, that was wonderful, have a wonderful night, stay tuned for an additional performance of Jerry Stiller's roast at the New York Friars Club and a new South Park Halloween special at 1:00; Next up is the Daily Show with Jon Stewart.