STOP Being Exploited - How to Deal with Disagreeable People | Jordan Peterson Motivation

It's okay, nice

people

are compassionate and polite. What are unpleasant

people

? as if they had a tough mentality. They are frank. They are competitive. that they are aggressive, although they will push you out of their way if you are in the way, they won't, they are not as volatile as you, if you have a high level of neuroticism, it is not defensive aggression. It's more like predatory aggression, it's a dominance behavior, so someone who is high is very unpleasant and sees the world as a place where they can compete and win. I'll tell you a story.

I have a friend. I gave him my personality. I tested the Big Five scale that Colin de Young developed in my lab and I knew he was a nasty guy and by interacting with him I mean he is even spontaneously rude to people on the street. In fact, I quite like him. He's very very funny, he's also very conscientious, so you can trust him, but he's very unpleasant, so I gave him this test because I thought it would be funny and he turned out to be the most unpleasant person among ten thousand, reasonably reasonable in compassion, around 30th percentile. but like .001 in politeness, so he's extraordinarily direct, he just says absolutely anything no matter how horrible it is and he was often taken to corporations to clean them up, so if a corporation bowed and he didn't do it well, they brought it.

He came to find out who the useless people were and fire them and I talked to him about that because I had the missed opportunity of not having graduate students in my lab, for example, who were not performing well and I find that. It's very, very difficult, you know, to dress someone and it's certainly difficult to fire them. I just hate him because I'm actually a pretty nice person much to my chagrin and I asked him about it and I said well what do you have to fire? people all the time how do you handle it he says handle it I enjoy it and I thought wow that's so interesting someone would have that answer I said well what do you mean you enjoy it?

He said look, I go into these companies and we analyze well the performance of groups of people and there are in those groups people who really try very hard and work very hard and are productive and then there are these people who just do nothing and are completely out of shape. in which they do it. They can't bear their weight at all, they take advantage of every opportunity they get and always complain about why they can't work. It's like I find out who they are. I call them into my office and tell them exactly what they have. been doing is like hitting the road buddy, you've had it and I thought, oh yeah, okay, that's fair, you know that well, I can tell you that you know, I've had situations in my lab where I had poor performing students. graduate school and one of the really horrible things about that was that it was very difficult for high-achieving graduate students, you know, because they felt like even

being

in the same category as people who weren't working hard and doing their best. they devalued what they were doing, you know, and that's exactly right, and that's why there's also a trait of conscientiousness and a trait of kindness, because conscientious people judge you by your achievements, they don't care at all about your feelings, it's like are you doing the job or not, while nice people think well, you know your mom is sick and you know you have a lot of family problems and we all have to take care of each other and no wonder you?

We are going through a difficult time and you cannot say that one of those attitudes is correct and the other is not, you cannot say that those two dimensions would not exist if there were not something correct in both. but you can certainly point out that they often conflict, you know, and that's why the demand for inclusion and unity and care and the demand for high-level performance in a hierarchical structure are very different orientations in the world and therefore , it's complicated for people. who are nice and conscientious and, in fact, I often think that large corporations and large institutions of any kind are run on the unadvertised work of people who are very nice and very unscrupulous and who are disproportionately women, my experience in the large institutions has been that if you want to hire someone to exploit properly no, not appropriately if you want to hire someone to exploit productively you hire middle-aged women who are very conscientious and who are nice because they will do everything that they will not take credit for. it and I won't complain and that's unpleasant and I think that happens all the time so one of the things you have to be careful about if you're okay with it is not

being

exploited

because you're going to line yourself up to be

exploited

and I think The The reason for this is that you are programmed to be exploited by babies and that just doesn't work as well in that real world and one of the things that happens very often in psychotherapy, you know, people come to psychotherapy for there are multiple reasons, but one One of them is that they often come because they are too nice, so what they receive is so-called assertiveness training, although it is not exactly assertiveness that is trained, but the ability to learn to negotiate on their own behalf. and one of the things I tell nice people, especially if they're conscientious, is say what you think, tell the truth about what you think, there will be things that you think are unpleasant and harsh and they probably are unpleasant and harsh, but they probably is also true and you need to bring them to the forefront and get the message across, and it's not easy at all because nice people don't like conflict, they don't smooth the waters at all, you know, and you can see, you can see why that is. .

It agrees with the hypothesis I've been putting forward: you don't want conflicts around babies, it's too dangerous, you don't want fights to break out, you don't want anything to disturb the relative peace, you know, and if you're also more likely to be hurt physically and maybe emotionally. You may also be reluctant to engage in the kind of high-intensity conflict that will solve problems in the short term because, for many conflicts, it takes a lot of conflict to solve problems in the short term. in the short term and you know if that can become dangerous, which it can if it is not controlled.

It might be safer in the short term to keep the water calm and not delve into those situations in which conflict arises, the problem is. It is not a very good strategy in the medium or long term, because many times there are things that you have to talk about because they're not going away, and part of what you do with nice people is get them to notice. And they also find it difficult if you ask an unpleasant person what they want to say or what they want to say, they will tell you right away, they know this is what I want and this is how I'm going to get it. but nice people, especially if they're really nice, are so nice that they often don't even know what they want because they're so used to living for other people and figuring out what other people want and trying to make them feel comfortable. and so on, that it's harder for them to make sense of their own desires as they go through life and that's not the case, there are situations where that's advantageous, but it's certainly not advantageous if you're going to try to build a career. it just doesn't work at all