UNHhhh Ep. 149 - Teachers

No, I'm not going to drink water this month. Thank you so much. What would happen if he did the Super Wisco accent? Wisco Wisconsin. Oh hey guys, welcome back. I don't know why they haven't been doing that. It's fun. Welcome back to the channel. oh green screen oh shit let's get to the pack target I like drag racing so much trixie I get so mad when my favorite doesn't come out ahead at the last minute your troublesome white favorites sis why did they just rip me off the whistle with so much force? I don't have to take off my wig, sister, for me, it's the wig that breaks through chat for me, not the flying wig, sizz, chat flop, it's the, it's for me, for me, not the, hello, I have a dead wet hole, Trixie Mattel, and someone might as well break the ice and it might as well be me, you know, I'm used to being welcomed as part of my husband's job and I'm determined to enjoy, oh, this soup is delicious , No?

And welcome to the show where we talk about whatever we want because it's our show and not yours. I was totally wrong about that quote. I think it was amazing, but I'm determined to have fun. Very intriguing. Oh my goodness, this soup is so iconic. Have you ever had a teacher who changed your life? Have you ever had a teacher who changed your life psychologically psychologically in your life? I love

teachers

, I love them, I hate them, I'm obsessed with

teachers

, every one of my teachers, I remember who are really great, I'll tell you who they are first grade miss dunley what second grade reviewing sylvia murray third grade Mrs.

Connor fourth grade Mrs. Charles Fifth Grade Mrs. Birdie Sixth Grade I could go on and this is Birdie Mrs. Birdie She, as a fun fact, during lunch she broke a picnic uh uh bench and it was very embarrassing, she was a woman, yes, and she didn't weigh as much as she said, call me When it breaks like a seven like an institutional metal, could it melt steel? Yeah, with that big ass, well, Mrs. Birdie had some serious hotness. Thick ass, okay, a thick, hot ass that could grip like a pear or an apple right between her cheeks.

Did you do that often at school? You'd go up and say good morning, Miss Birdie, put the apple down and she'd grab it. with her butt we just put it right between her cheeks right in that little garage right in that little garage I want you to park that big apple tree right in my little garage and Mrs. charles jane charles jane charles oh my god did she continue ? be a beauty guru no, she was before she was a teacher working is a time loop let's just say jane charles jane charles yes, federica ever mentioned jamie charles or jamie charles oh my gosh, my band teacher, miss Woodstrand , I think about everyone in that the band learns to play their instrument with only one teacher in no way, oh well, yes, and I contacted her recently and went, thank you very much, teach me to read music, I mean, I don't know if You follow me, but I like it. having a music career now it's all thanks to you wow and she said that's really cool like nothing else who is this she said well I'm serious she said that's cool nothing more and I wanted my like sir moment of the play from holland i was like okay damn mary she's probably exhausted yeah exhausted if she was the tables turned and someone was like you really it would have been like giving up the cash oh did you say famous successful, where is the money, give me? the venmo i taught you how to play the clarinet and sometimes you play it in gay bars so i want the money she's just trying to secure the purse did you ever have a teacher you didn't like?

No, okay, so you're making things up here. the study today no, no, I'm being honest, I'm telling the truth, so in elementary school I had an art teacher who had terribly bad teeth, how famous in the news, I mean, it was like the New England Journal of Medicine. It was a phenomenon at the time that something really creepy was happening with her gums, which were big and stuck out from her face in gray, her teeth were like brown wooden slats that pointed in different directions and like she was an angel, an angel It looked like a dump truck, an angle, an ankle, but then one day, out of nowhere, it comes to town with a set of veneers and gums like the fiercest, pink gums, new gums, new teeth, you know.

What he probably did, last semester's project was to build tiny porcelain teeth. and at the end of the semester she just reviewed it like some kind of gem evaluation and said yeah, yeah, yeah, and then one night lightning hit and she was in her bathroom on the white tiles like a haunted movie and she said first in the mouth got hot um everyone wanted absolutely no I don't want a photo it was she is all that yes there was a lady she was a submissive the worst lady in the world she looked like a frost and she was sullen and irascible and everyone hated her and I was determined to agree her good side and I did it and you know what was the common bond that I found with her to like walkie-talkies I swear to god You talked to our walkie-talkies no, we talked about walkie-talkies even weirder, I don't know about you and no I know about these people who taught you, have you ever had sexual fantasies about a teacher?

Well, cheers in eighth grade. I was entering the full bloom of puberty at that time eighth grade seventh grade eighth grade your breasts had just started coming out yes, yes, I received my little mail via DHL, but he was a muscle bear and when I told you, the can that man and he referenced that one day he said he was sorry he ran into someone's desk and he was sorry for my big fat ass okay I'm happy you're away from education at this point in your life because no No I think you can control yourself, but I don't want to go out and watch videos, you run into one of these teachers, you used to want, oh Maria, it's a wrapper, yes, you take off the handcuffs immediately. he would probably take me to jail immediately what song would play teenage dream oh yeah teenage dream where he ran away they would break into his office it would be a teenage dream and you would have a pole you would think I was pretty without makeup and they would say that that's not true, that's not true at all, we don't think that's true, could you lay a little more groundwork?

Yes, could you do the hands? If you're going to take me away, could you get? a little yellow ocher on the hands. Could I put some house paint on my palms before I touch this? Yellow, gray and pink are really classic. Well, there was a teacher who I think taught history or something, you could tell he was an athlete when he was in high school just six years ago or whatever, he was really good, right, they're all young, tall, Very tight chinos, always tight chinos, could you see it? Oh, and that's because they do that thing where they come and I'm like, oh, you want me to talk to you at your desk and it's like, well, you know, let's cover this for the kids, but they, the teachers, they stand like this, the teachers boys and then you guess who is the principal now at the high school, he is the principal, so there I hope that if I have a son I take him there, take him to school, go to a teacher conference, I have to tell him and they happen Wait a minute, how can we overlook the fact that you were going to be a teacher, I know.

I know you were going to be a yoga teacher until I was. I was shamefully kicked out of the Boston yoga community with great fanfare and much humiliation. What happened? The most flexible in Boston went to the ground. He was all over the city. I would love to teach below. being the attractive teacher of a person who has never seen a woman, hasn't seen a woman in a long time, I would walk in, I would be the belle of the ball, you would be, it would be a slip and slide, all about in the hallway because I didn't know if Carrie Underwood was going to teach us how to read and write, I asked them how they expect me to listen and not just be there constantly because then it's a prison porn fantasy, it's a teaching fantasy, there are many. from different teachers, although besides school teachers, everyone, many people in your life are accidentally teachers, Ruth Paul, Ruth Paul, yes, who are your mentors in life, yes, anywhere, school of life , whatever, who is the best teacher of teachers for you, it could be a dad, an old dad like a dad like a dead person yeah like martha graham oh yeah we're doing dead people leslie jordan remember the last time I did them to think he was dead rest in peace leslie jordan what no i'm joking oh my god and i almost believed it again i know, i'm sorry, leslie jones, no, she's fine too, all the lessons, yeah, all the things like, Leslie Nielsen is dead, I guess it's unfortunate, I want to thank basically all the teachers I have, Don Cramer, Dana Moser, Nina, seriously, they came to my solo show they are amazing, they live inc. no, they are all dead now, but yes, no, no, they are still alive.

I want to congratulate Miss Woodstrand, uh, my band teacher, uh, Miss Clement, who left? I took anatomy and physiology without having to dissect. She gave me alternative tasks. Greetings to all the teachers. There are many gay teachers now. Oh, much more than you are used to. I had a gay English teacher. Did everyone know it? Yes, but no one talked about it anyway with me we all knew what we weren't talking about interesting so you and he would go into English for Homer when you were I was like I said yes, you guys would be in English class. and people came in and you said: you can love the life you're living, you can live and people say: are we reading the catcher in the rye? and you say: you may remember in another video somewhere that they said jamie lee curtis.

It wasn't a weird Friday, you stand corrected, I was joking oh, you were joking, oh yeah, and all the comments are like, how come she doesn't know? oh I'm not a woman either, I can't believe you were joking about that, I lied, I guess I was wrong, thanks, well no, I thought you were talking about the original. I thought you were calling Jodie Foster. Jamie Lee Curtis. Jody Foster was in Freaky Friday. The original. What are you kidding? You're kidding, I'm not kidding, that was a taxi. No driver, it's the 70s, it's her on top of the washing machine saying he wishes he could switch bodies with her for a day, am I right?

Was it the noise of the machine that made her do it look at the look on the victory lap? I want to see my shame look at my lap of shame get ready for this girl who looks like string wrapped around ham in a deli that's exactly what she is