Ricky Gervais Golden Globes Mono-Open for 2010-2011-2012

ladies and gentlemen Ricky Jes hello hello and welcome to the 67th annual Golden Globe Awards live from Los Angeles. I'm Ricky ha and thank you. You probably know me as the creator of the office. No, no, do you think? Steve. caral did it all oh it's brilliant isn't it Steve? Caral is incredible as the clumsy office manager, where does he get his ideas from? appearances Whoa, let's pay him hundreds of millions of dollars and put him in every movie if you don't bother If you want to go to the movies to see Steve in action then watch it every Thursday here on NBC or if you think that particular version of the show has been jumped the shark a bit, this is what some of the forums say, so what? the original Fridays on Adult Swim or get the box set which is still available so only 12 episodes in special quality not quantity that's what counts so go ahead and get it.

I will make the most of this opportunity. I'm not used to these kinds of viewing figures, let's face it, nor is NBC, so in all seriousness, just looking at all the faces here reminds me of the great work done this year by cosmetic surgeons. You all look great. I've had some work done, I've had implants put in my cheeks, they've put them in there which is annoying and I've had a penis reduction done. I just got the one now enough and it's very small but my hands so when I'm holding it, it looks pretty big and let's be real.

I usually hold it. um I wish I was doing that now instead of this, to be honest, but it's an honor to be here, um, in a room full of what I consider. being the most important people on the planet actors are simply better than ordinary people, aren't they? No, we all know, um, imagine a world without actors, oh God, isn't it thinking about imagining if they ever went on strike, oh, what would we do? You couldn't replace them, you couldn't replace them with any other profession, lawyers or doctors, can you imagine a real surgeon doing what Hugh Lori does at home?

He would be pathetic, it would all end. Where he goes? Oh, where am I? How's my American accent? What are my lines? You know, Hugh, with the help of the coaches, Stu is eventually able to learn her lines while he saves lives. He is a genius. How could you replace Kea Southerland on 24? I would love to see. a real anti-terrorist agent tries to diffuse a bomb in a busy train station in 1 hour, some of those scenes by the way, where Kether grabs someone and beats them to a pulp, weren't even in the script, the director He just said, "Keep going." Moving forward, we'll incorporate it, but actors aren't just loved here in Hollywood, they're loved all over the world because they recognize that you can be anywhere in the third world, that's fine, and you can catch a glimpse of a Hollywood star. and it makes you feel better, well, you could be a little, a little boy, a little Asian boy with no possessions and no money, but you see a picture of Angelina Jolie and you think, mommy, oh, thank you, let's get on with this before NBC. she replaced me with Jay Leno um wow, it's going well, isn't it?

We've had uh we've seen some worthy winners and some not so worthy ones. No, I'm not going to mention them now, am I? I will do that. that on my blog at Ricky j.com I have received thousands of emails in the last few days saying why, oh, why The Invention of Lies wasn't nominated. I don't know, I just don't know, maybe the DVD will win an award. It's out Tuesday at Walmart, so go ahead and bye-bye, one thing you can't buy is an officially Golden Globe. I'm going to do this again anyway, but if you bought one, the man to watch would be Philip Burke.

The next category contains a couple of Legends, one of which we've already seen, so Paul McCartney, fellow Brit, so good luck to him. I shouldn't be biased, but we actually came on the same flight that I didn't arrive on. Talk to him because I was in front in first class and he was behind me in coach. He saved money and spent a lot last year. I don't think we have to feel too sorry for him. He is doing well. Oh nothing. um, the serious thing now um, the Golden Globes are shown around the world, it does not take into account color or creed, it not only celebrates talent, it celebrates difference, it crushes prejudices and stereotypes.

A stereotype I hate is that all Irish people are just drunks and Hellraisers. please welcome Colin Farrell um this next category is a bit depressing to be honest, it's for writing um we all know that writers get too much credit in Hollywood um and that's because of the generosity of the actors who sometimes mention them, You know? I mean, but what would writers do without actors? I don't want to continue talking about actors, but they are the most important. Okay, it's not the words you say, it's how good you look when you say them. Everybody knows.

The good thing about actors is that they want to keep moving forward, their chameleons are constantly changing and leaving the past behind, please, welcome, friends and that BL from 300, hello, calm down, calm down, we are in the final stretch, the next presenter is a prize. winning actress with special powers in ding of the day she used her powers of seduction to conquer James Bond in It's brilliant how you're doing well regards um I have a partner I'm not going to lie to you listen um I haven't offended anyone I didn't mean it's not my fault it's a There are a lot of powerful people here so if I say honestly I like to drink so much like anyone else, unless the next one is Mel Gibson.

Okay, not only is the next host one of the best actors in Hollywood, but he's also one of the coolest men. In the world I don't have a bad word to say about him, mainly because he has arms as big as my legs, please welcome the amazing Mickey rock, well that's it, we have about 8 seconds so thank you very much Well done everyone. the winners and if I could make one wish it would be peace on Earth I can't change that I want everyone to watch Rick's show on HBO and now your late night host ladies and gentlemen Ricky Jes thank you hello and hello , welcome to the 68th Annual Golden Globe Awards live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Los Angeles.

It will be a night of partying and drinking too much or, as Charlie Sheen calls it, breakfast. Whoa, whoa, so let's get this straight. What he did was, uh, he picked up a porno. The star paid her to have dinner with him and introduced her to his ex-wife like you do. I went to a hotel. I got drunk. I got naked. They trashed the place while she was locked in a closet. And that was a Monday. What she did? Anyway, it's New Year's Eve, we welcome the Golden Globes, it's a celebration of the best of television and movies from the last year, voted on by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, it was a great year for movies in 3D, Toy Story, Despicable Me, Tron it seems like everything this year was three-dimensional except for the characters from The Tourist um I feel bad about that joke I won't tell you why I'm getting on the bandwagon because I haven't even seen the tourist who has um but no, he must be good because he's nominated so shut up, that's fine and I'd like to quash this ridiculous rumor going around that the only reason the tourist was nominated was so the Hollywood foreign press could hang out with Johnny de and Angelina Jolie, that's rubbish, it's not the The only reason they also took bribes.

Now all that happened was that some of them were taken to see Shar in concert. How the hell is that bribe? Do you really want to go see? No, why not? Because it's not 1975, there are many. great movies that weren't nominated this year nothing for Sex in the City either um no, I was sure that the Golden Globe for special effects would go to the team that retouched that poster um what a great job girls, we know how old you are. one of you in an episode of Bonanza also not nominated I love you Philip Morris um Jim Jim Cary and you McGregor two straight actors pretending to be gay, the complete opposite of some famous Scientologists so my lawyers probably helped me with the wording of that Just kidding, aren't here, okay, there have been great new TV dramas this year like Boardwalk Empire and The Walking Dead, so, yeah, speaking of The Walking Dead, congratulations to Hugh Hefner, who is getting married at the age of 84 to the beautiful Crystal, 24 years old.

Harris um when they asked her why she was marrying him she said because he lied about his age he told me he was 94 oh come on don't worry wait and just don't look at him when you touch him that's me. I warned you, one of the biggest events on television this year was the finale of I Lost One of My Favorites and all the questions were answered, yes, I have to say that although it was a pretty complicated ending, I'm not sure I understood it completely. everything, but from what I can understand, I'm pretty sure the big one is everyone's.

I think we should move on. Our first presenter is beautiful, talented and Jewish. Apparently Mal Gibson told me he's obsessed. Please welcome Scarlet Johansson as Pac. -Man, okay, you know our next movie host like Hudson Hawk. Look who's talking. Mercury. Crescent color of the night. Fifth Element. The war of the heart. Please welcome Ashton Kutcher's father, Bruce Willis. Next up is Eva Longoria, who has the difficult task of introducing the president of the Hollywood foreign press. That's nothing, I just had to help him out of the bathroom and knock out his teeth. It's dirty, please welcome Eva Longoria, that's my favorite movie of the year.

The creator of Facebook, of course, Mark Zuckerberg is worth $7 billion. Heather Mills calls him "The One." That got away, um, the next two hosts are funny, charming and down to earth, he's Alec from The Rock, she's just Jenny From the Block, if the block in question is that one on Rodeo Drive between CTI and Prada, welcome Alec Baldwin and Jennifer Lopez. Okay, I love this next host, he's great, he's the star of Iron Man, two girls and a guy, Wonder Boys, sorry, these porn movies, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, arch your finger, really yeah, up on the Academy, come on, he's made those movies, but many of you in this room probably know him best from facilities like the Betty Ford Clinic and the Los Angeles County Jail.

Please welcome Robert Downey Jr. Okay, the next host is a true Hollywood icon in 10 of the Biggest Blockbusters of All Time. He has shown the extraordinary performance of him. versatility, she has played a snare drum and Rambo, please welcome Sylvester Stallone, our next hosts are two of the funniest people in America, she stole the show on Saturday Night Live and then created, wrote and designed our own show, 30 Rock, he was a Jobing acting career. It's not going so well, if I'm totally honest, who got his big break when I cast him in a remake of a show I created, he called the office.

He will now leave that program and kill a source of income for both of them. Please welcome him. the wonderful Tina Fay and The Ungrateful Steve Carell welcome back now our next presenters are young and thin with hair and teeth, they are lovely to look at, which is better because they are presenting the award for best foreign language film, a category that no one in the United States cares about, please welcome Olivia Wild and Robert Pson. Okay, what can I say about our next two presenters? The first is an actor, producer, writer and director whose films have grossed more than $3.2 billion at the box office.

He has won two Academy Awards and three. Golden Globes for her powerful and varied performances starring in films such as Philadelphia Forest Gump Castaway Apollo 13 and Saving Private Ryan the other is Tim Allen hello and welcome back the next presenter is a National Treasure, Miss Congeniality herself, this girl from al down-to-earth side she first stole our hearts as a bus driver and then as a railway fair collector now, of course, she wouldn't be seen dead on public transport because, as she just told me backstage, the Poor people are disgusting and smelly, please, welcome Sandra Bullock, thank you very much.

That's it, well done Justice, thank you to everyone in the room for being good sports, thank you NBC, thank you Hollywood Foreign Press, thank you for watching at home and thank God for making me an atheist, thank you live from Starfield International Ballroom. from the Beverly Hilton Hotel welcome to the 69th annual Golden Globe Awards and now your host for the evening, ladies and gentlemen, Ricky J, applause, oh, so where was I? I'm nervous, don't worry, this isn't about you, right? Hi, I'm Ricky ha. and welcome to the 69th annual Golden Globe Awards live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Los Angeles, voted on by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association tonight, you will see Britain's biggest comedian presenting the second biggest awards show largest in the world in the third job of the largest chain in the United States.

Sorry, it's the fourth. It's fourth place for any of you who don'tYou know the Golden Globes are like the Oscars, but without all that esteem, the Golden Globes are to the Oscars what Kim Kardashian is to Kate Middleton, basically, a little louder, a little trashier, a little drunker and easier to buy. um supposedly nothing has been proven, but who needs the Oscars, not me and not Eddie Murphy, he abandoned them, said no and good for him, but when the man who said yes to Norbit tells you no, you know you're in trouble, I love you. Eddie Murphy, he loves to dress up, doesn't he? versus versatile, it's versatile, no, it's a little trivial for you.

Actually, Eddie Murphy and Adam Sandler played all the roles in the movie The Help, it's not that brilliant, they were brilliant, I can. I don't think they're not here or maybe they are, they're Masters of Disguise, they could be now. The Hollywood Foreign Press has warned me that if I make a pass at any of you or offend any viewer or cause any controversy, you will definitely invite me back next year. Also, they actually gave me a list of rules. I'm going to ignore them, but I thought it would be good to read them. Okay, this is real.

Okay, no bad language, that's fine. I have a huge vocabulary. No nudity. Look, that's a shame because I have a huge vocabulary, um, but a small penis, no, it's true, it doesn't matter, I don't care, it works, don't worry, it's okay, it's okay, no, no, no, no , no, no, no obscenities or innuendos. and I am not responsible for anyone and I must not mention Mal Gibson this year, nor his private life, his politics, his recent films and especially not Jod Foster's Beaver, um, I have not seen it myself, um, I have talked to him a lot .

A lot of guys here haven't seen him either, but that doesn't mean he's not good, sorry, I don't care. It's been an incredible year in show business. It hasn't all been good news. What's with all the divorces? What's going on? I mean Arnold and Maria JLo and Mark Anthony Ashon and Dei Kim Kardashian and a guy I never remember, he wasn't, he wasn't there for a long time, 72 days, a marriage that lasted 72 days. I have attended longer James Cameron acceptance speeches. That other celebrity scandal, Justin Bieber almost had to take a paternity test, what a waste of a test that would have been.

No, he is not the father. The only way he could have gotten a girl pregnant was by borrowing one of Martha Stewart's old turkeys. wide

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um it's been a great year for women in movies bridesmaid one of my favorite comedies of the year yeah girls finally proved they can be just as filthy as men farting burping , cursing, performing wild sexual acts, even pooping in the sink. In fact, I heard for a search, the car spent the weekend with Dame Helen Mirin, she's Dr. Dreadful, honestly, you don't see it, you don't see much because she has good PR, but it's out of place, eh, but the Golden Gloves aren't just about movies.

It also celebrates the best of television and new shows like the incredible Homeland, which is simply amazing, and returning shows like Boardwalk Empire. I love that program. It's great. It's for those who don't know that this is a bunch of immigrants. who came to America about 100 years ago and engaged in bribery and corruption and worked their way into high society, but enough about the Hollywood foreign press. I'm kidding, I love you and you're good friends for inviting me back and What I didn't know is that you do a ton for charity and your non-profit, as does NBC, so thank you, should we move on at this point? last year?

Our first host was the biggest movie star on the planet, but I insulted his movie. A tourist who sent his career into a tailspin to the point where he was forced to work with me on my new show Life Too Short, which premieres on HBO on February 19. Please welcome the man who will wear literally anything Tim Burton tells Johnny Depp. I want to ask you a question, is it real, can you check it, yes, and be honest, what are you taking for recreation or drugs? I'm kidding, no that's not the question and we all know the answer, are you ready?

I guess so. Have you seen the tourist yet uh uh no oh boy it's fun