A Night At Dry Bar. Josh Sneed & Tom Foss

"Or are you just saying that 'to make me feel good?' What's a guy supposed to say? Well, you sure look a little. (audience laughing) I didn't know you could lift the TV! (audience laughing) You'll never see a guy go down. Honey, do I look fat in this? 'Cause she'd be like, "Yeah. "You more clothes equals more (audience laughing)" and you might want to take off "that white sweatshirt" or a snow plow will "push you into the corner" of a parking lot." (Audience applauds). Up, honey. It's Christmas (audience laughing) You guys in the hat, is everything okay? - Not really?

You just don't know you're in one?) When the heating is on, but it's still a little cold (audience laughing) My wife and I are arguing about things that don't exist. I'm driving down a highway in Canada, passing by a big lake. Like, honey, we're going for a walk on the beach. She says, “Oh, geez, I didn't bring hiking shoes. ". I'm like, huh? All my shoes are walkable. (audience laughing) Did you buy shoes you can walk in? (audience laughing) Who sells them? "Hey, sit down. "You can't walk in them. "They're my sitting shoes!" I'm sorry. (Audience laughs) I say, shoes you can't walk in?

Suppose he's not wearing driving pants, he's not wearing a shirt luggage and he doesn't pay anything for his bag either. (Audience applauds) (Audience laughs) So, I'm walking home from Canada (Audience laughs) - In your walking shoes! - In my walking shoes. You got it. Here's a weird argument we had. You'll have this one someday. We bought a washing machine because our dryer broke. (Audience laughs) The dryer is spinning and it stops. What do you think?" I go, it's kind of cute but it's a washing machine. We just need a dryer. "Oh, we'll also buy a washing machine." I say, why is that? "Because when the washing machine breaks down, "it's possible that we can't "find a white one" to match the dryer because white "is a very rare appliance color." (Audience laughs) You mean we're going to buy a new washing machine because the other one is yellow?

Hm, how about I check the hardware and pick up a can of paint? (audience laughs) So, I'm walking home from Sears (audience laughs) carrying a very white washing machine. (Audience laughs) You can't win an argument with a woman, right, guys? - No! - You know why? If you're close to winning the argument, they'll change the subject. (audience laughing) (woman applauding) She'll say, "I've never been to California." "I've never been to California." Where did you get that t-shirt you're wearing? "That's another thing. "Every time we go to California, you look at other women." (Audience laughs) My wife is funny.

We had a cookout, a bunch of guys sitting around bragging about who had the house prettier. A boy goes to our The house is so clean that you can eat off the floor. She says, "You can also eat off the floor. "There's some Doritos right there," chicken finger. "Help himself!" (Audience laughs) Never forget his birthday, friend. That will be the worst day of your life. I once forgot my wife's birthday. She never happened again. In fact, I now keep a gift for him in the trunk of the car at all times. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I'll be back and say oh no, I hope he needs a cat! (Audience laughs) So, good luck, my friend.

Well, the wonderful things I get to do with my job is that I travel all over the world, entertaining our troops. (Audience applauds) I've been to Iraq several times. Everything was going well for me until I discovered that I hadn't gotten a gun. They give the comedians a helmet, a vest and a sleeping bag. I say, hey, I don't see a gun anywhere. "I'm sorry, sir. "We can't give you a gun." Oh! Are you kidding? I'll gladly trade this battery for a gun. (Audience laughing) "I'm sorry, sir. "We can't give you a gun." Oh great, we're under attack.

Don't worry, guys. I'll block it for us. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! (Audience laughs) I complained so much about not getting a gun that they let me shoot a bullet out of a tank. (imitates tank noise) Yes! Well, I thought the guy said yes, go ahead. (Audience laughs) Turns out he said, "Go outside and don't hit your heads!" (Imitates tank roar) Who knows how to put up drywall? (Audience laughs) Stupid thing we did in Iraq. We did a show at

night

. At the top of the complex we stayed at, somewhere in the north. It's nine at

night

, completely dark.

The only light for miles shining on me (audience laughing)! When I go to Bahrain! They flew us to an aircraft carrier. If you ever have the opportunity to travel on one of these ships, my advice is not to board this ship dressed as a pirate (audience laughing). They don't think it's fun. laughing) I get off, I say arr, take me to your captain Bock, bock, bock So, I'm swimming back to Bahrain (audience laughing) I went to Japan after the tsunami and the earthquake. The Navy is there. The Navy commander is at the base all day saying, "There is no radiation danger!" I'm like you're joking.

Why is my Orville Redenbacher exploding and not in the microwave? (Audience laughs) Today I charged my phone by holding it tightly. (Audience laughs) Two of my favorite jokes of all time. A little boy walks into the kitchen and says, "Mom, I'll be good all day for five dollars." She says, what, and be like your dad and be of no use? (audience laughs). It is hot here. So, a retired couple goes to the county fair. Walking through the county fair, they come across an exhibit of biplane rides for $10. Husband says: Honey, I always wanted to ride a biplane. .

She says, "We don't have 10 dollars. "10 dollars is 10 dollars and you won't go." It's like I've worked my whole life, supporting the family, I never missed a day of work, right? "That's right, we don't have 10 dollars, "10 dollars, or 10 dollars, "and you won't go." The pilot hears the couple arguing and wants to get rid of them, he approaches and says: I'll make you two a deal. on that plane. If you can be quiet for the whole flight, I'll give it to you for free, but if I hear a peep there, 10 bucks, so they'll take off on the plane. the wheels leave the ground, the pilot lifts the plane and climbs as high as he can, climbs a little higher, turns off the engine, spirals back to Earth, at the last second, starts it, throws it away. up, two barrel rolls, two barrel rolls back, barrel rolls up and down, barrel rolls back for an hour, try to scare this couple Not a peep finally gives up, takes the plane back to the fair! , he lands it, kills the engine, turns around and the woman is gone. (Audience laughs) He says sir, what happened?

He's doing fine, the first turn you made, she fell. I was going to say something, but 10 dollars is 10 dollars. (Audience laughs) Very good, thank you very much.