Being White Can Get Awkward Quickly. Jason Salmon - Full Special

common, stupidity. (audience laughing) It's everywhere. Just listen. I heard this the other day, I heard a woman say to her friend, she said, my daughter is 20 and she's turning 21. And I thought, they didn't need that last part (audience laughing) because most people know how to do it. . tell (audience laughs) and I understand what she was trying to say, because based on a similar phrase, but the key to that phrase is that you're supposed to have an age gap. That's the part that makes it interesting enough to say out loud. (Audience laughs) You have to say something like my daughter is 20 and 50.

That's automatically a much more interesting story. You have a college-age daughter who for some reason is acting like she's menopausal. Yes, I want to hear about this (audience laughs) and the fact is that we are all stupid, everyone in this room, no matter how brilliant you are, you are stupid at something. If you're out there thinking it's not me, I'm not stupid, guess what? You are probably the dumbest person in this room (audience laughs) and I say this knowing

full

well that I am stupid, I know it and I know it because sometimes I go to those restaurants where they read you the

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offers before taking your order and recently I realized that I don't think I've read a complete list of those

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s and understood every word that guy said.

Something always baffles me. Ganache, come on. (Audience laughs) That seems done to me. (Audience laughs) Bronzino, I think it's a fish, but it sounds like a tan accelerator and it's also confusing. (Audience laughs) Sometimes I get defensive. You say blueberry reduction and I'm not sure what that means, but I feel like you'll bring me less blueberries. (Audience laughs) That waiter looked at me like I was stupid and he was absolutely right, he was and I don't have a problem with that, I don't. I think we all have blind spots. We have to find ways to learn about other people, get out of your comfort zone.

I did it recently and went to my first gay wedding. My friend was going to marry his partner. He invited us to come, he didn't know what to expect. My other friends didn't want to come. He says gay marriage will tear apart the fabric of traditional marriage and you know what, he might be right, because we went to that wedding and it was amazing, it was. I think if you go to enough gay weddings, you can stop going to straight weddings altogether (audience laughs) because a gay wedding is all the celebration and revelry of a traditional wedding, but without the brides, it's a lot of fun. (audience laughs) My whole life I thought I hated weddings.

Turns out I don't like girlfriends. (Audience laughs) This was a wedding planned by two guys, it was amazing. The moderator, former wrestling announcer. He asks, who is ready to get married? They beat their chests at the altar, I think some of his votes were from Fight Club. (Audience laughs) I got so excited at one point that I almost spilled my nachos. It was the best (audience laughing), it was the best wedding experience I've ever had. (Audience laughs) The best part of all is that it all lasted about the same amount of time it normally takes a bride to walk from the back of the church to the front of the church.

I looked at my girlfriend and said: I don't know if we are going to get married, but if we do, we will get married gay, this looks amazing. (Audience laughs) That will be my special day. (audience laughs) I actually have a girlfriend, she's not just a plot device for that last joke. (audience laughs) She's cool, she likes the mustache. Some of you can probably guess why. Yes, because she forms a barrier to social interaction with other women, that's what she does. (Audience laughs) I recently did a concert in Las Vegas and she told me, "Remember what happens in Las Vegas, it's not going to happen to you." "Enjoy, have fun." (Audience laughs) She's great, a four-year relationship.

We're only three years in now, but (audience laughs) I mean, I'm excited for this last year. (Audience laughs) She's older, that's amazing. Older women, amazing. More experience, lower standards, that's huge to me, it is. No, I need a woman who has a curve rating, I need her. I don't need a woman who likes things. Especially if those things include emotion or medical care, because I can't give them either. (audience laughs) I just need someone to look at me and say, okay, (audience laughs) I'll do it. (audience laughs) I've made some mistakes in my life, this is what's available, just finish it, (audience laughs) because I know myself, I'm not easy to be with, I'm not.

I've been up here for a while. I'll be honest with all of you. I'm not one hundred percent sure my fly is up right now, I'm not. (audience laughs) That's what I am, it is. Last week I looked at my shirt and saw what I thought was a crumb of potato chips and I just ate it, I just ate it. I didn't even stop to think. If I had, I would have remembered: I haven't had French fries in over a week. I don't know what I ate, but she didn't kill me, and suddenly that became my dietary standard (audience laughs) and she can do it, she can because she's at a point in her life where she no longer think.

It's supposed to be magical. Which is nice, it's a great place to be. It's that point where you can look out and enjoy all the colors of a beautiful sunset, but still know in the back of your mind that most of it is just air pollution. (Audience laughs) You know, you spend your entire youth chasing rainbows and unicorns and you get older, and you realize that rainbows come after storms, and that unicorn is probably just a horse with a tumor, but that's okay. good (audience laughs) because it's real (audience laughs) and real is sometimes confusing, it is, but it's also great.

I don't have to pretend like I used to when I was younger to like things like dancing. It will be a big shock to all of you, but I am a terrible dancer. My college friends who saw me dance gave me the nickname Bambi, because at first my legs were shaking and by the end they all wanted to shoot my mother. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) That's a strange place to applaud, but okay. (Audience laughs) No, I couldn't be with younger women. I couldn't, I don't have that kind of resistance. I've seen guys dating younger women and they all seem tired. (Audience laughs) It's not because of the physicality either, it's because of all that hope.

Hope will exhaust you, it will. Every day, only today will be incredible, it will be fantastic. Oh no. Is it or will it just be Wednesday? Maybe it's just Wednesday. You should probably get a job or something and I have nothing against young people, I don't. They have different priorities, that's okay. They like excitement, which is great, unless they also want longevity, because those two things in nature are opposing forces. If something is going to last a long time, it can't be constantly exciting. In nature, if something constantly excites you, guess what, it's trying to kill you. (Audience laughs) I'm not saying it can't be great, it's amazing.

At first when you get dizzy and can't sleep, but if it lasts it's called insomnia. This is a health crisis and things that are exciting are usually not built to last. Like roller coasters, they're exciting, right? Would you like to go to work in one of those every morning? (Audience laughs) You would just stop going to work after a week and a half. You say, I don't know why there's a loop in the middle of my trip, that's just stupid. Why does it end up going backwards? I'm two minutes from work, suddenly I'm four minutes from work.

I come to work angry every day and covered in coffee (the audience laughs) and young people have different feelings. They believe that love has to do with the heart, which is great. I hear this all the time, I just have to go with my heart, but when you grow up you realize that phrase goes with your heart, it's just a fancy way of saying, I don't feel like thinking that much right now. (Audience laughs) You reach a certain age, what you feel in your heart may be love, but it may be an arrhythmia, so you should probably check it first, but that's not what love is about, love is not about magic. , You know?

If you're like me, you learned about love from the movies. I thought when I started dating, I thought I would meet the woman of my dreams, fall in love at first sight, go and set the world on fire together, it sounds beautiful. When you get older you are also stupid. I mean, come on, setting the world on fire, that's technically arson. That is a serious crime. You know what kind of love that leads to, prison love, that's not what I'm looking for. (Audience laughs) Love at first sight, I don't know if I believe in that. My girlfriend wears glasses.

She literally doesn't have the first sight anymore, how will that work for us? (Audience laughs) It would be a miracle if I could sight read. (Audience laughs) I don't believe in love at first sight because I grew up poor in Texas and do you know what a skinny man with a mullet looks like from behind? He looks like a sexy woman, that's what it seems. (audience laughs) You make that mistake once, love at first sight is off the table forever (audience laughs), but love is actually about real, practical things. It's all about conflict resolution and my girlfriend and I are excellent at it because we disagree on almost everything.

We don't agree on food because she's a vegetarian and I, like I said, am the opposite of that, I'm a Texan. (Audience laughs) Yes, in Texas we think it's okay to kill any animal for food. Except a stork, of course, because we do consider that abortion. (Audience laughs) I'm pretty sure that's in the Bible, guys, pretty sure she is, but this is what she does that bothers me the most. She compares her food to meat and not just any meat, bacon. The most glorious of all meats. For those who aren't clear, bacon and ham come from the same animal, which disappoints me about ham. (Audience laughs) It's like, come on, just get your act together.

Just do something with your life. Maybe one day you'll be bacon too, just focus. (Audience laughs) My girlfriend says: I won't eat anything that has a face. I say, I don't want to either, I cut his face. I eat the bacon part. (audience laughs) I'm not a scientist, but I'm pretty sure it's not the meat of the face. (Audience laughs) I don't know where that pig thing comes from, I don't know. Maybe the soul, because it tastes like magic. (Audience laughs) You know, to make bacon, you have to cure it. Which means he was once sick and now he's bacon, so that's a miracle. (audience laughs) You just cook it and it becomes smaller and more powerful, like an Italian mother or a Korean dictator, it's amazing food (audience laughs) and she says, "you should respect my opinions," and I I think you need to have better opinions, that would help a lot, because it's true, there is a big difference between how bacon tastes and what a vegetarian thinks bacon might taste like, right?

Comparing any pain in my body to giving birth, right ladies? The pain and stress that they go through, oh, that's exactly what bacon tastes like (audience laughing). Thank you all very much, you were great tonight. .