Ralphie May: Austin-Tatious (FULL SPECIAL)

Talk to half the kitchen staff and that's what's going to happen. He didn't do it because he was high. He was trying to prepare his fourth meal. A tough year for white trash, though. White trash has been taking it on the chin. The death of Anna Nicole Smith, the collapse of Britney Spears. Tough year. I love seeing what is happening to Britney Spears. I have to be honest with you, I love it. I enjoy it like homemade ice cream, my goodness. Being from the South is one of your favorite things in the world: watching white trash return to its original form, right?

When he shaved his head, I thought, "Is it my birthday?" That? It just gets good. White trash, white trash, white trash. She does so many white trash things but no one calls her white trash except me. She was married to a guy in Las Vegas for 56 hours until she sobered up and they had it annulled. That's white trash. Make some babies and drink and smoke while you have them, that's white trash. Get divorced, give them to your husband, don't go to court to fight for your babies. That's white trash. Don't surround them in a car seat or booster seat or anything, just place them in the front lap or front seat like it's mom's extra airbag.

That's white trash. This is white trash. She was caught leaving a gas station bathroom barefoot. walking with black feet, hammer toes, white trash with black feet. That's Britney Spears. That is dirty. In Los Angeles, no one calls her white trash, they call her bipolar or manic-depressive. That's white trash and in Texas we call it like we see it. Bipolar, no, sorry ma'am, you're white trash, bitch. Welcome to Sonic, here are our tater tots. We wouldn't stand for it, man. As much as I love seeing what happens to Britney Spears, do you know who really loves it?

Black people. blacks love it 'cause they been living with that Whitney Houston mess for like 15 years, huh blacks? 15 years old you think, "Damn, this isn't the craziest pop star in the damn industry." Playing with Bobby Brown. Fix her teeth, bitch, damn it. Do something. That fool smiles, they look like bowling pins pointing in all directions. His front tooth is like it's northwest. Put down the crack pipe, Whitey, damn it. Wait, Britney Spears did what? Happy days are here again, hilarious. A lot of women like my wife, well she got mad at Britney, she got caught without panties.

Oh, that bothered my wife. That's dirty, she likes it "dirty." Walking without panties. She has children. What is going to happen in a couple of years? Those kids on the Internet with their friends and someone says, "Hey, do you want to see your mom's gin?" You're right, honey, but before you judge Britney, you might have to walk a mile in heels, doll. Think about this. If your liquor smelled like Kevin Federline, you might want to air it out a bit too, right? Isn't that right, ladies? You would not do that? If your liquor smelled like a failed rap career in Bakersfield, California, wouldn't you want to put that motherfucker on the air?

You say, "Oh, what's that smell? It smells like seven tickets sold at the House of Blues at sunset." That's right girls, the jerk won't take care of that. I'll tell you right now. You'll need someone with some cutting power like Dawn. Get rid of that lasagna grease in there or something. In my generation I haven't had many occasions where I remember when I saw something, the challenger disaster, 9/11, when I remember... What happened to me when I saw Britney Spears' liquor for the first time? I was working with my friend Billy Wayne in Pittsburgh. It was around four in the afternoon and I kicked him out because I thought he might leave a batch for Charmed.

Nobody watches Charmed, Alyssa Milano, very hot. I've been with her since Who's her boss? That's how old school I am. I've been rocking it. It's good. All you have is basic cable. I'm saying, thank you, TNT. Anyway, I kicked him out, okay, and there was a knock on the door. By the way, it was another Law and Order. All right, Jerry Orbach didn't do anything for me. It was a knock on the door, but it wasn't like a friendly knock like, "I'm not your friend." It was bam, bam, bam, like, "Security. Hey, we know you're smoking weed in there," and we weren't done in three hours.

We had the window open and the towel next to the door. We believe in Jesus. We are very respectable people. I look through the little peephole and it's Billy Wayne all frustrated. I open the door. He walked in and asked me the strangest question anyone has ever asked me at the beginning of a conversation: "Dude, have you seen Britney Spears' vagina?" Like he left it in my room. Oh no. Let's look for it. Hey, Billy Wayne? I did not know what to say. It's the strangest question anyone has ever asked me. My only response was, "No, and I haven't received two other wishes from a genie.

What are you talking about, man?" He says, "It's online." No. It took 12 seconds. Giner on the screen. That's what you are. Very good monkey too. I have to give it to her. I like that. I like a nice big monkey. That's how I move. I'm old school. I do, I appreciate it. I like it. I like a big peach, with a little cashew on top. That's how I move. I know you little anorexic white boys, you all like that skinny little redhead. It looks like he's holding his breath. There's a reason my favorite ice cream flavor is Chunky Monkey, hey.

So good. What makes me laugh is that there are many women who don't laugh. I don't mind. Yes. I'll be honest with you. I like to look at a liquor for the first time and say, "What? That would make a good cobbler." I'm old school, honey, but a lot of women say, "I bet..." You women get really catty when it comes to other women's genitals. If you don't like it, then you're not going to like it, it's like it's horrible. It's dirty. You women are very mean to other women's fathers. Everyone will like: "I bet that's a big old floppy disk." I bet they look like hound dog jewelry, all black and frayed with pink spots.

You have to go to that lonely valley. Nobody can come for you. What we have here is a lack of communication. Now I want you to know that I didn't make those jokes. Because of the gratuitous vagina humor, although those jokes are strong enough to stand on their own, the reason I made those jokes is so you can better visualize, therefore, imagine what I'm about to tell you. Reportedly, according to the tabloids and multiple newspapers and newspapers around the world reported this, that while they were on tour... I don't know if it's true. Probably not, but it just highlights the poignant point, that five years ago, while on tour in Japan, a Japanese billionaire allegedly offered Britney a million dollars to sleep with him, a million dollars, and she turned him down.

Five years later, the same free vagina on the Internet. That's already some depreciation, right, girls? She literally dropped her butt, didn't she, ma'am? Ladies, you figure if you had lost $400,000 worth of value on her crotch, you'd say, "Sell, sell, sell," right? Not her. And the funny thing is, there are a lot of women right now who are saying, "Good for Britney. Good for her. That's fantastic. I'm so glad she did that. I'm so glad she had morals and stood up and didn't fall." I would have been fooled." bought at any price. Good for her because she did not contribute to the objectification of women, that there are more of us and have more intrinsic value than what is between our legs and our mouths.

We have minds, hearts and dreams." You girls are adorable. If you think that, you're absolutely adorable, but I have to be honest with you in my heart. If you really think that way, I think you're a dumb bitch. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I know. I know you're not used to a fat man talking to you like that, and using such rude language and saying those horrible, mean things to you, calling you a stupid bitch and meaning it, and I do. -You sure do. -You're right, lady. I don't know who you are. You're right. You're right.

You're smart as a pin. I knew ladies that the first step in recovery is acceptance. Sometimes you may have to accept that you can be a dumb bitch about some things in order to progress, get motivated and make a positive change. Ladies, what I mean is. That a man has made you feel bad at some point, right, ladies? Somewhere a man let you down. That's why I tell women that if you're about to be bisexual, lesbian, or straight, and you're there and you're bisexual now, just be a lesbian and be happy. Just go and be happy.

I don't even care, okay? Go ahead, be a lesbian, get the men out of your life. Get your license to lick it, I get it. Lesbians, I get it. I like lesbians so much that from 25 feet I look like one. That's how much I love lesbians. Believe me, the appeal of the vagina is not lost on me. I find it extremely intoxicating. I understand. The vagina is amazing. It's like the original honeycomb hiding place. Why wouldn't you want to be there? Is awesome. It's very mysterious down there, isn't it, friends? with all the many hidden walls and trapdoors.

It's like a Goonies set, right? You have to play the piano to find the G-spot. Thanks one-eyed Willie. The rest of you women, if you are doomed to like men, sorry, you will have to come with a territory and know that we are going to disappoint you at some point. Every man has taken advantage of a woman at least once or twice. Sorry, it happened. That's what we do. Girls, if you think about it, you probably know what I'm talking about. A guy you met at a party who said he loved you, and this was love at first sight and you gave him oral in the parking lot of his Mitsubishi Eclipse and he kicked you out. "I thought it was true love." I know a guy who has done that.

How about a guy who got you drunk? That's how it is. He makes you feel weird and you're like the end of the night. He tricked you, tricked you, tricked you into lifting your legs and getting stabbed. I know someone could have done that. That's how it is. A man has taken advantage of all of you at some point. The next day you woke up and you felt dirty, right girls? Just a dirty, filthy old bum. A dirty whore, and the whole world will know that you are easy and that you are a dirty little whore, very dirty, right?

Wouldn't it be easier to deal with those horrible feelings with a check for a million dollars? Oh yeah. Get paid, bitch. Don't be stupid, that's business. Ladies, just so you know I'm not a hypocrite. I'm not asking you for anything I'm not willing to do on my own. A million dollars, shoot. I'd throw that little Japanese out. I wouldn't even know how good I had it. For a million dollars, shoot. My brown eye would be like 10 knuckles. That's what I would be feeling. He wouldn't even know it. It would be like domo arigato Mr. Roboto. That's not gay.

That's business. Why not? It's not like he's going to hurt me or anything. He is Japanese. It's not like he left Green Mile behind me. I think everything is going to be fine. I'm sorry, friends. I've had hot wings from Zannies in Nashville and draft beer that hurt my little back door a lot more than a Japanese. It was three days of torture, Jack. I couldn't even clean myself after the first three hours. It was a touch. And yes, there is a lipstick in my house that you want no part of. All I'm saying is that I would do 24 hours of uncomfortable walking for a million dollars.

I have to do this. Because the reason I came back to Texas to record this

special

wasn't because no one wanted me to do it. I made it here because I love Texas. I love Texas in many ways. This is where I emerged as a comedian. This is where I wanted to be as a comedian. This is where I was raised. I love Texas, everything about it. I love it, he is a great melting pot. We have a lot of black, a lot of brown, a lot of white and somehow we all get along and I like it that way.

You even see black people at the Houston rodeo, right? One of my favorite things is that rodeo guy. I love it, man. You see everyone, you see Mexicans, black people. Yes, Black is going to a rodeo in Texas. Isn't that something? Yes son. My favorite event at the rodeo, I don't know how they are riding bulls. Alright. I love riding bulls. You never see many fat guys do this, do you? I think it would be a much more fun sport if you could put a fat guy on a bull once a night. You know what I'm talking.

Now riding the breath of Satan, the most dangerous bull on a circuit from Houston, Texas, Ralphie May. And he leaves. It's time another perfect score for Ralphie can be beautiful. Friends, you have been beautiful. Thank you so much. Austin, Texas, thank you all. Good night.