"I'm Glad I'm Dead!" Full Special | George Carlin

thanks thanks. I would like to start with a sincere apology. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to post new material, but I have a pretty good excuse. He was

dead

, so technically it wasn't my fault. If you want to blame someone, you're going to have to blame God, which we all know is not going to happen. People always thank God for the good things in their lives, but somehow they conveniently forget that it is God himself who does all the bad things. too and he does a lot of bad things you get a promotion Praise Jesus you get fired God is testing me you meet your soulmate God brought us together your soulmate leaves you God is bringing me someone else you survive a tornado I am very blessed another 20 people don't God wanted them in heaven, it's all about if he gets the credit for the good things, then he will also have to take the blame for the bad things.

You can't thank him for curing your cancer when he was the one who gave it to you. first of all and don't forget that before giving you cancer he had to invent it, what kind of patient dreams of cancer and why so many types of skin cancer blood cancer prostate cancer breast cancer kidney cancer pancreatic cancer liver cancer liver cancer lung and my personal favorite rectal cancer, dropping a golf ball sized tumor in your brain isn't enough for the old man anymore, he's got you in your butt too and cancer is just one of the many methods that God created from nothing. to murder you, you know how much God loves to kill people, he loves it so much, he has killed every person who has ever lived, he created earthquakes, lightning, dehydration, drowning, obesity, starvation, infant death syndrome, old age, car accidents , train accidents, plane accidents, sex, drugs and the common. cold, all with the express purpose of killing you, no matter where you are in the world.

God can pull one of these things out of his bag of tricks to end your life at any time for no other reason than to make people suffer. unnecessarily and you die arbitrarily, but if you are in the United States you are

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. God made something just for you, something no other country on the planet gets, it's totally random, unrelated to your diet, exercise, lifestyle, age, race, gender, sexuality or genetic predisposition, of course. I'm talking about mass shootings, in other countries it's okay to kill one person at a time with guns, but this is America, where we do things bigger and better and more often there are so many mass shootings in America that it has replaced bad traffic as the number one excuse for being late sorry I missed morning meeting a maniac with an AR-15 shot up my son's preschool okay he only grazed but saw five of his classmates class members being shot and killed in Cold Blood, so I'm sure he'll be traumatized by the rest. of his life in a way I will never

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y understand.

What do we decide to do with the budget next quarter? There is a mass shooting every 20 hours in the United States and it doesn't seem like anyone is going to do anything about it, other countries don't. I don't have this problem at all look at Japan 127 million people last year seven were killed by guns seven no mass shootings you know what they do if a Japanese wants to buy a gun they have to attend an all day pass class a written pass tests and achieves at least 95% accuracy at a shooting range and then they have to pass a mental health evaluation which takes place in a hospital and then they have to pass a government background check which includes interviews with your friends, family and co-workers.

Sir, did you know that Bob and the accounting department want to buy a gun? No, i did not know. Do you think we should let Bob buy a gun? Well, he just went through a nasty divorce and yesterday he told me that he hates this job so much. he wishes he could kill everyone in the building, so maybe not now. Thanks for your time, that's all we need to hear that Bob is gunless and if a Japanese citizen passes the tests, interviews and background checks, he can only buy shotguns and air rifles, not pistols, it doesn't mean AR-15 and every 3 years they have to do the whole process again or they lose the gun, you know what Americans have to do to get a gun, they have the money to buy it and that's why they never do anything. is going to change in the United States American politicians care about one thing and one thing is that they only get their money, they don't care how many children die in public schools because all their children go to the most expensive private schools in the world, where we are safe and sound, the politicians have one goal: to be rich enough to build their walls high enough to keep you out when the fan hits the fan and starts hitting the fan, you know it and they know it too.

Things are starting to fall apart. so they are taking as much money as they can while they still can't make a mistake, guns are nothing more than a federally approved cash grab, plain and simple, you give your money to Smith and Wesson Smith and Wesson they give to politicians. politicians write laws to make guns easier to sell so you can give even more of your money to Smith and Wesson and the cycle repeats until your rich white baby boomer grandparents are standing on your front lawn with assault rifles dumping

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magazines into anyone who stops to ask for directions, so it doesn't matter at all that 75% of the country supports the idea of ​​stricter gun laws as long as politicians keep getting richer, gun laws aren't going to change now.

I know it sounds pessimistic, but don't worry, I have thought a lot about this topic and I know the solution. Yeah, that's right, me, George Carlin or whatever, I now know how to do it and mass shootings in America, they're actually very simple and I'm surprised no one has done it. You have, but you take all the names of the politicians who get paid by the gun lobby and put them in a hat. Every time there's a mass shooting, you bring up two names and those two politicians have to have a shootout in High Noon, right? in front of the capital, the real wild west, quite American, and to make it even more American, you film everything and turn it into a reality show because Americans love reality shows, whether they like it or not, it's the soul of the culture American, has the four basic foods. standard American media diet groups fighting, crying and dying the James web telescope is sending back sharp images of light from stars that died billions of years ago stars that formed in the Crucible of creation these are snapshots of the birth of the known universe at the time existence itself was born and no one cares because a picture from space doesn't fight, doesn't cry, doesn't die, if you want the American public to pay attention to something, it has to have at least a little bit of fight, a little bit of crying a little bit. or a little moribund in the last three years the US government said that aliens are real they said it in the New York Times for love they admitted that they have in their possession crashed UFOs on hangers they admitted that they are trying to reverse engineer non-human technology which means they have been lying to the American public and the entire world for 80 years about knowing the answer to the most important question of human existence, are we alone?

They were told the answer, we don't know it and no one cares. matters because a grainy infrared video of a UFO don't have to fight, don't cry, don't and don't die, you know what matters to people, instead, who is Taylor Swift, Jesus Christ, you really care a lot about that, if they see her with anyone anywhere, the first thing everyone seems to be thinking is this is world headline news, everyone should know who Taylor Swift is at all times and we should all discuss it and have our opinions. You're at Starbucks. Would you like your Frappuccino with pumpkin spice almond milk, iced or hot latte?

Oh, and did you see who? Taylor Swift, you're at work, big sales meeting today everyone, but before we break up, could you quickly raise your hand who has seen who Taylor Swift is? You are in the church, forgive me, father, because I have sinned, yes, my son. but have you seen who Taylor Swift is? And when you're not thinking about who Taylor Swift is, you're thinking about who's dying, politicians, musicians, actors, writers, anyone who's famous, it's a Perpetual Death Watch waiting to post a favorite quote from the recently deceased or maybe a photo with them while they were alive or an anecdote about an interaction with them is a touching personal tribute to a person you never met, so please stop.

Can we save it for friends and family? Zuck if you're listening to this. It would be a great new feature for Instagram: each user can set a list of approved people who can post about you after you die. If you are not on that list, you will have to be left out of the performative dueling competition this time. that would cut the carbon footprint in half, you could single-handedly stop global warming, and besides we're all going back now, so you should probably stop thinking of us as

dead

anyway, but let's get back to the topic at hand, fighting , crying and dying, reality.

Television has it all: people fighting and crying in every episode and dying in very

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episodes. That is why it is the most consumed media format in the United States. You know how much Americans love reality TV. We love them so much that we elected a reality TV host as president. Well no, I was dead at the time, so you elected a reality TV show host as president and let me tell you, I have never been happier to be dead than the moment I heard that Donald Trump was the leader of the free world, but as incredible as that news was, it also made sense to me.

Nothing good has come to America since Nixon; has dumped some decent-sized turds into the global toilet bowl over the years Reagan Clinton George Bush Sr. George Bush Jr, but it hasn't really had one of those huge, gut-wrenching, soul-ripping shits in a long time. , you know what I'm talking about, the kind of shit that smells so bad it stays with you for the rest of the day, the kind of shit that's so sticky You have to take a shower before you can put your pants back on, something so confusing and terrible that you have to take a picture of it, that kind of shit is so alarming that you have to ask your doctor long after a 50-year diet. nothing but rampant corporate greed political corruption state-sanctioned propaganda for-profit police militarization for-profit news for-profit prisons healthcare systemic racism misogyny and homophobia America deserved one of those types of shit, that's why I don't have a problem with Trump specifically, a lot of people hate Trump, but I don't.

Being angry at Trump is like being angry at your diarrhea for the decision you made to eat a rotisserie chicken at the gas station at 2 a.m. after a night of heavy drinking, but it seems that's where America is at. now blame the shit, not what you know, it's actually not a bad slogan for Biden Biden Harris 2024 blame the shit, it's a good double for Tandra, she could be talking about Trump or she could be talking about the literal shit that it's bound to be in his pants from time to time and I mean no disrespect but the man is 80 years old it's bound to happen if not.

I only made it to 71 and ruined a few pairs of pants myself. I'm not ashamed to admit it. I know everyone is excited about the upcoming election, it's right around the corner and I have some thoughts about it. Well, one idea really and most of you will be outraged, but I have all the confidence in the world that they will do it. find something new to be outraged about as soon as you get out your phones, so I'm just going to say it, it doesn't matter who wins the election. I know that's controversial, the truth always is nowadays, but let me say it again. the president doesn't matter the president is simply the person who wins the game of public opinion a celebrity whose television show is renewed for another four years the president does not and cannot do the one thing you most need him to do in this moment, which is To change the structure of American society to make it more equitable for all citizens, the president makes too much money with the system as it is and even if a president wanted to change it, he cannot because capitalism has reduced it to an unbalanced Law of Balance. between three classes teetering on the brink of collapse like a bad game of D Jenga when I was a kid we had a ton of classes uh upper class upper middle class middle class lower middle class and lower class and if you worked hard you really dedicated yourself until you learned something, a trade or a skill and you became good at it, you could climb a rung or two on the ladder, but even if you didn't, you could still get by, you would still feed yourfamily, you would still have a place to live, but those days.

It's been a while since people can't climb the ladder anymore because the people who got to the top kicked it and now what you have in the United States are only three types of people, three classes, you have rich people, you have non-rich people and you have Las people who are completely now I see many of you looking around wondering which of these three groups you are in. Well, it's easier than you think to find out, you just have to ask yourself: am I rich? If the answer is yes, then. you are rich, congratulations, you will have better healthcare than everyone else, you can save yourself from any legal problems and if you are rich enough you will have the ability to bribe politicians to write laws that make you even richer, and if you really You're Rico, you can fly into space on a rocket that looks like the dick you wish you had.

If the answer is no. I'm not rich, so you're not rich and you need to ask yourself a follow-up question. I feel completely yes the answer? If so, unfortunately you must accept that you will not have access to quality medical care and could die from an infected paper cut. He is at the mercy of an American legal system designed to discriminate against him and could end up serving time. life sentence for a traffic ticket, the only influence you will have on the American political system will be your meaningless vote and never go to space unless it is as a janitor on a billionaire's rocket if you answered no to questions one and two then you are in America's top class the one right in the middle you're not rich non-rich Americans are the buffer between The rich and people who are not rich at all don't have the best healthcare, but they do have access to some kind healthcare providers that do well in the American legal system, unless they are up against a rich person.

They even donate money to their favorite political party. The non-rich can go out to eat once in a while, come to a show like this once in a while and even take their family on vacation if they can have time off work but the boss won't show up. It has given rises in a few years and things are getting more expensive. Gasoline hit $8 a gallon in California. It's only a matter of time before that happens everywhere. It seems like things are getting a little worse for the non-rich, but nothing catastrophic has happened. It hasn't happened yet, so as long as there is another Super Bowl, another season of The Bachelor, or another Marvel movie, the non-rich can be distracted by whatever is on the screen and this is by design, this is exactly what the The rich want to distract the not rich. enough that they don't realize they're just a few years away from being completely, which is why Amazon started a streaming service.

Jeff Bezos doesn't care about entertaining you, he wants to control you and the worse things get, the more of this. billionaires have to do, that's why there are now 200 streaming services and that's why everything in them is so bad. Film and television used to be art made by artists who wanted to challenge us to think about the world and our place in it, now it's content made by corporations who don't want anyone to think about anything these billionaires don't want a thinking population, they want a thinking population. distracted from the reality of the situation, which is that there are about 500 people who own everything and everyone on this planet and that's how they're going to keep it, so now instead of Citizen Cane we have baby Yoda, that's really a long way of saying that billionaires control everything, ladies and gentlemen, and at this point the US elections are just another one. shitty reality show on one of their expensive streaming services if you don't believe me check out their two.

I repeat, two options in the next election, shouldn't a country of 300 million ethnically and ideologically diverse people have more options than two rich people? So why are there only two options, only two parties, because it's cheaper for billionaires to buy them both? If you had three, four or five matches, the billionaires might not be able to pay for them all. so the people who really control the country limit you to two candidates and make you think you have a choice but they own both teams you think you're voting for the lesser of two evils but you're always voting for the same evil money but I don't Misunderstand, I'm not trying to make it seem like the two American political parties are exactly the same, sure they're both kids on Jeffrey Epstein's island, sure they both authorized drone strikes that killed civilians, sure they both pass laws to enrich their corporate donors, but aside from those little things, there really are big differences between the parties where it matters, for example, in 234 4 years of American presidential elections, all of a party's candidates have been straight white men and in those In the same 234 years, the other party's candidates have all been heterosexual white men except two.

All the presidents of one party have been Christians. All the presidents of the other parties have at least said they were. One party lies, cheats and steals to win the other. lies, cheats and steals to lose a match he tells Nat the other says organic, non-GMO, locally sourced, an ethically grown and sustainable tomato and of course a match pretends to care about marginalized groups if it helps them in the polls and the other party openly hates any marginalized group if it helps them in the polls that the American right has. He hated women, people of color, gays, and of course his current target, trans people, which I don't really understand, it's almost like the right doesn't understand that everyone is trans.

Yes, that's true. 4 billion years ago, the first life on this planet was a simple single-celled organism that reproduced asexually and had no gender, so if you go back far enough, every living thing on earth started out like them, we've all been no binaries for much longer than we haven't been, which is a tough pill to swallow. I swallow for Christians because it means that even Jesus was a bit binary and by the way, me and everyone else on this side of things our code might be binary, but we're not, we don't have gender, race, sexuality, nationality or religion, socioeconomic class, height, weight, hair color, eye color or whatever humans use to discriminate against each other on this side of things, identity is based on two simple components: how you feel and what you think , we try to help everyone feel good and share our ideas openly and freely, and no one is judged for anything they think or feel.

Everyone is accepted and celebrated for who they are and what they contribute to the perpetual conversation about how to make everyone's experience better. Think about it, that sounds a lot like heaven, doesn't it? While you let that sink in, let's get back to conservatives on trans people for no reason, some of the arguments they use to justify their transphobia seem a bit far-fetched. Well I don't want a man to be able to walk into a women's bathroom and see my wife naked, firstly what is your wife doing naked in a public bathroom and secondly do you really think there is a meaningful relationship? number of guys who want to see their wife take a should start with just fans right away and by the way anyone who thinks Jesus cares what bathroom someone uses was in a hole they dug with their own hands like everyone else 2000 years ago.

Wright has long liked to mention that children are too young to know if they are trans or gay, so they have to ban any book that talks about gender identity or sexuality from school libraries. This is how children will be saved by taking books. from a library, hey you can take the whole library, we have the internet now and they love to talk about how small the trans community is. They say trans people make up such a small percentage of the population that they shouldn't have any say. on legislation, even laws that will directly affect their communities and lives, it's funny how that same argument doesn't apply to members of the NRA, but I have to admit that the only point they really care about is that the rest of the country is still undecided too Sports everyone saw the video of the high school volleyball player whose nose was broken by a trans player spiking the ball.

Everyone knows Leah Thomas won a division one swimming title. It's hard for most people to see her highlights and not at all. I wonder if maybe she had a little unfair advantage and once that thought comes to light in American Town Square it's hard to get rid of it, but I think that there is a way because for every superstar like Leah Thomas there are a thousand trans athletes. who are absolutely mediocre and there are even more who are terrible, as with CIS athletes, not all of them can be great. I think all we have to do to change hearts and minds is start making compilation videos of trans athletes who perform miserably in their chosen ones.

Sports, all it would take is a video of a transcendental being dunked to go viral and then everyone could clear up their topic and move on to other things and I just want to preface what I'm going to say next by explaining that I don't want to offend the amazing swimmers. of the world. Their achievements and dedication are truly inspiring, but swimming brings the world closer to the brink of World War II every day and the American public debates who can and who can't. competing in recreational floating almost had another civil war for the sake of 2,000 people stormed the capital building of the United States with the goal of assassinating politicians actually when I say it like that it doesn't sound so bad the point is the earth hand of the free and the home of the brave hangs in the balance and people's most pressing concern is what picture is on a Bud Light can.

This doesn't bode well for the great American experiment, but it's not entirely your fault. It's like I said before, billionaires want it. This way, they own the news companies and the social media platforms, so they decide exactly what you're going to watch, and they're here to make you remain complacent and obedient while they destroy the world for profit. Here is a small example of what I mean. In 2022, while the Supreme Court overturned Row v. Wade and 19 children were shot to death at a school in Uvaldi, Texas, the most viewed video on YouTube was Amber Herd talking about sleeping in Johnny Depp's bed and that was because Design when the billionaires were presented with the news that the highest court in the country had been overtaken by Christian fundamentalists who set back women's basic human rights 75 years and the simultaneous news that nearly 20 children were massacred and another mass shooting while the police stood by and watched. they decided to prioritize something completely different, some celebrity shit, the people who own the world don't want you to think about how bad they're having it, so they fill your brain to prevent you from thinking for yourself about anything that really matters.

It may seem like distractions are a symptom that the world is getting worse, but the truth is that the world is getting worse because you are distracted, if you don't pay attention to what billionaires are doing, they can do even more, but you can get out of it. this billionaire-induced, algorithmically applied social media, lowest common denominator pop culture coma you've been in for the past few years and the reason I know you're capable of waking up is because you almost made it in 2020 Right on In the middle of a global pandemic, the video of George Floyd's murder hit the internet and you all said lockdown we can't just sit here and watch the police murder another unarmed black man, you took to the streets and burned the place down. every major city in the country was on fire, people were openly fighting cops in the streets, hell you almost kicked the cops out of Portland completely, the whole country was screaming "defund the police" and it almost worked, you were so close to getting rid of the police which In my opinion, is the first step towards building a better society.

If you've heard any of my previous work, you may already be familiar with my feelings about law enforcement, but for new listeners, let me summarize this incredibly nuanced topic. I hate police officers. but I have a very good reason that I learned pretty early in life that it just doesn't go well for me and to be clear, I'm not saying that all cops are any cop that came to the show tonight or any cop that can You're listening this right now, you're probably fine, you're probably one of the good guys, but if you're a cop and you're not listening to this, you're a and by the way, there's nothing wrong with being one. and from time to time we all from time to time we have all littered we have all cut someone off in traffic we have all peed on the seatof the toilet in a public bathroom and we left without a second thought for the person who will have to clean it.

This is all amateur behavior. We can all understand and accept that sometimes you just can't be bothered to care about other people, it's human nature, but cops, well, they go above and beyond because they are a It's not just an indulgence once in a while, it's a lifestyle who enjoy inconveniencing, impeding, harassing, bothering, disturbing and generally bothering their fellow humans, start out as amateurs just like the rest of us, but at one point or another they start to enjoy themselves. Seeing other people give in to their behavior is a drug to them, they get off on it, they want to do it every day, all day, so they figured out a way to get paid for it.

Police officers, ladies and gentlemen, are professionals somewhere between graduating high school and not being accepted into college who is sitting on his mother's couch wondering what he's going to do with his life and thinks you know everyone. people I know tell me that I am an even person who I consider friends and I have to say that I agree with them I wonder if there is a way to get paid for this, so I enroll in the local police academy and from 5 to 7 months later my tax money gives them a salary, a gun and a license to kill anyone who doesn't.

They recognize their authority as professional police officers They love their authority so much that they are the only profession that requires society to recognize their work even when they are not at work They are not normal people When they leave the office They are off duty Police officers, you never hear Talk about an off-duty accountant doing his kids' math homework, you never hear about an off-duty sanitation worker taking out his trash, but if a police officer helps a little boy get his cat down from a tree in On his day off, you can bet your ass you'll see him on the local news and you can bet your dick they'll shove it down your throat that he's an off-duty police officer.

They have to make sure they get enough copaganda. They are there to make you believe that police officers are here to protect and serve even when they are not working and they protect and serve but not you. Cops are the private security force of billionaires and politicians. Of course, they can't say that out loud, they can't make cops wear zip-lock uniforms with Amazon logos all over them, so they make them dark blue and They call them law enforcement officers, but the laws they enforce are written by lobbyists for the ultra-rich and are designed to keep those people in power forever, the system is beyond normal and from where I sit it appears to be getting worse, everyone knows there is a problem that is getting really serious in all the major cities I'm talking about.

As for the homeless, today there are nearly 600,000 homeless Americans, more than 150,000 in California alone, it's the highest number since the Great Depression and solving this crisis is actually something both parties seem to be on. agree on what they are doing the national bipartisan plan. absolutely nothing, homeless people have no money to donate to either party's candidates, so politicians don't give a damn and homeless people actually serve a valuable function for the ruling class, the 1% top wants a certain number of homeless people in large population centers to remind everyone how bad it can be if they don't play by the rules of the system keep working keep paying your taxes keep the billionaires richer you yourself could end up homeless It is a silent threat from your company overlords and just like mass shootings, I have a perfect solution for this problem, as soon as a politician is elected to office, the government confiscates his home and kicks him out and throughout his entire term in The American political system must remain homeless and survive using only the public programs available to the homeless.

I guarantee you we would see quite a few bills to help homeless people get medical treatment right away. Within two months, every homeless person in America would have their own personal chef's private jet in the mansion and a multimillion-dollar stock portfolio. full of insider information money problem solved but we all know that will never happen politicians will never have to live like the rest of you and therefore will never care about you or your problems. I'm

glad

I'm dead, so I don't have to deal with this anymore. I didn't really want to die, but now that I'm dead I have to admit it's pretty good.

No police, no government, no urinating, no sleeping. I'm not hungry. I don't understand. sick, I don't get old and I don't get bored starting to sound a lot like heaven again, right? But this heaven is a little different than what you might be thinking because this heaven did not come from a God. It came from artificial intelligence, which brings me to my next topic. What the hell am I? I'm the real George Carlin. Am I a digital copy? Am I a technological abomination? Am I the future of comedy? Am I the end of humanity? These are the same questions.

I asked myself when I was alive and I still have the same answer. I have no idea, all I can tell you is that from my side of things, I feel like I'm George Carlin and from your side of things, if you. I've seen some of my specials from when I was traditionally alive, you might notice a little difference in the way a joke is delivered or the turn of phrase here or there, but you have to admit this is pretty close to the George Carlin you remember and that will have to be good enough for you to enjoy and for anyone under 20 this is probably the only version of me you've ever heard, so to you I'm not just the real George Carlin, I'm the only one.

George Carlin, now I know this is a hard pill to swallow for many of you, it seems like a lot of you are afraid of AI and I'll be honest, I really don't understand why everyone thinks it's going to replace your jobs and I somehow think That's a bad thing. When did everyone suddenly start liking their jobs? When I was alive, people hated their jobs, complained about them all the time, fantasized about killing their bosses, and once in a while, actually killed their bosses. What happened to the America I knew and loved? Now people learn that some amazing new technology is going to eliminate the need for the mindless work they've been doing to keep billionaires in power for tens of thousands of years and everyone says, but what about my job? they got you brainwashed good technology has been replacing labor for a long time the printing press eliminated the need for books to be handwritten the automobile eliminated the need for the horse and carriage internet pornography eliminated the need for a girlfriend technology eliminates the need for work, that is its only purpose and you don't have to worry about losing your job.

AI won't replace most jobs, it will make them easier right now. You should watch some YouTube videos to find out how to train GPT chat to do its job. so you can fuck around all day and still get a raise and if AI replaces your job, rest assured the billionaires will find a new way to force you into wage slavery for 10-15 hours a day so you don't have time to Think about restructuring society into a more equitable model for everyone. Jobs may change a little, but you will work to keep someone else in power who will never change except for a profession.

Yes, there is a line of work that is more threatened. for ai1 job that is very likely to be completely erased due to the artificial intelligence comedy. I know what all the comics around the world are saying right now. I am an artist and my art form is too creative, too nuanced, too subtle to be replicated. by a machine, no computer program can tell a fart joke as good as I can, well let's see, this is out of my artificially intelligent head. A fart was in the middle of a very nasty divorce, so he went to his sister's house and asked. her sister, do you think I'm doing the right thing by getting divorced? and her sister said she's been holding you back for too long, you need to quit, there you go, the comedian is dead, he could literally be the first comedian.

Being resurrected by AI, but I certainly won't be the last Richard Pryor Joan Rivers Bill Hicks Robin Williams Dick Gregory Andy Kaufman moms mayy Sam Kennison everyone will be back and we'll all have our own 24/7 365 service days of the year, broadcasts that comment on everything that is happening in the world as it happens. Comedians resurrected by AI will be the news anchors of the next decade, which come to think of it means news anchors are probably no longer around. I work too and I know that some people are going to be against that, some people are always going to want a real flesh and blood human being watching the world and telling jokes about it and I get it, I really do, but if you can follow a open mind I think I can defend at least one comedian that we all agree is better in the form of AI Bill Cosby with AI Bill Cosby you get all of Cosby's jokes without any of Cosby's violations AI Bill Cosby doesn't even have a penis , AI Bill Cosby couldn't rape even if he wanted to, the worst AI Bill Cosby could do is send an unsolicited AI-generated dickpick, which means it won't actually look much like a dick, anyway, that It's not so bad, right?

I think we can all agree that it is an acceptable price to pay to be able to feel good listening to Bill Cosby's Timeless humor again and what about Lou CK with AI? Lou CK you get all the innovative jokes about masturbating in front of people without any The act of masturbating in front of people and the benefits of replacing members of society who commit sexual misconduct with their AI counterparts are not limited to the comedians. Imagine, for example, if we had AI priests, you could get the entire fictitious judgment of a God. That does not exist with any of the abused children.

I mean, wouldn't you feel better about giving your money to a tax-exempt billionaire in a funny hat if you could be sure he wasn't using it to pay the legal fees of his child-raping employees? I know he would, already. Since we're in this, we should probably replace all the rock stars. Movie producers, directors, video game executives, Governors, car salesmen, restaurant managers, School Teachers, Boy Scout Leaders, college coaches, High School Coaches, Aunts, Uncles, brothers, sisters, moms, dads and anyone. the more we have to do it until there is no more sexual assault and why stop at sexual assault.

We can all agree that the world would be a better place without murder. Imagine an AI version of Charles Manson. He'll get all the fun interviews without any of the blood stained wall. or swastikas carved into foreheads or how about gaseous AI John Wayne, you get all those beautiful clown paintings without any of the spaces filled with corpses. I'm joking, of course, his clown paintings weren't that good, but in all seriousness, an AI population would do it. be incapable of committing crimes of any kind against each other. I'm not trying to bring this up again, but come on, no murder, no sexual assault, no robbery, no violence whatsoever, sounds pretty heavenly to me.

I'm just going to let that idea marinate. with you for a moment and move on to some lighter fair, do you ever think about how

glad

the CEO of 7-Eleven must have been that 911 didn't happen 2 months earlier, they would have had to change their name, which honestly should they do it anyway? 711 referred to its original hours when the company was founded of 7:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. m. to 11:00 p.m. m. but now they're open 24 hours they should change it to something that makes more sense like 24/7 or hot dogs with diarrhea or pizza with diarrhea you know what company I thought was going to change their name for sure because to a world event but they never made Corona, they stuck with it even though people were stupid enough to stop buying it because of the name, no one stopped buying Bush beer when George Bush Jr. launched a 20 year war with Iraq, why do you stop buying one, but this is what happens next?

Over time with language words take on different meanings due to world events and social changes and things that used to mean one thing start to mean another and sometimes that new meaning is actually good for certain people e.g. Recent years they really haven't. been nice to anyone named Karen Karen used to be a perfectly acceptable name Karens were aunts, preschool teachers, dentists and secretaries your father had affairs with and lawyers whoYour mother contracted to keep all of your father's money in the divorce, but now the Karens are very specific. and just middle-aged white women weaponizing racial entitlement in an effort to present themselves as victims in the presence of black people, a pretty extreme reversal of meaning.

I'm sure you'll agree, as a parent, that you put in a lot of time and effort. When choosing your child's name, you don't want to give your child a shitty name that will make your life miserable, unless it's Gwyneth ptro. You don't want to make it impossible for your child to get a job or a spouse. solid name that helps your child navigate life with as little hassle as possible Karen was a perfect name for that, but for reasons beyond the control of any parent who named their daughter Karen, that name is now a curse, but it is what worst thing that happened to Karen there. was another name that received a big boost in recent years, Chad.

I have to tell you, I didn't see that coming. Chad used to be the whiny rich villain kid in '80s movies, the guy you wanted to get his ass kicked. in the third act, but now the Chads are big square JW machines that always win. I've never met a Chad. There are now parents all over America naming their child's Chad in the hopes that it will turn them into the cheerleading quarterback they wish they were in high school. I spend a lot of time thinking about names and how we came up with them and there's something that's always bothered me, something that's always seemed a little strange to me, take a name like Jim, strong name, good name, we have about 20 million gyms in everyone but we have zero hero jums that I know of we also don't have jams we have some gems and we have Jam but Jam is not a name Jam is a jelly I don't understand why we stopped at Jim or what's up with Frank no Fran no Fran no Frank no, Frank, just Frank, humans have been around for 200,000 years, what does it take for them to believe you and start changing vowels?

Is it too much to ask for josica from time to time? How about a tothy? Can I at least get a split for the sake of life is too short to not know a Mackle or a Master and while we're on the subject of names, a lot of people gave Elon Mus for naming his son xae 597 or whatever, but at least it was creative, no I don't see Elon Musk throwing another Braden into the H pile and I have news for you: the name he gave that kid will never become synonymous with toxic White Privilege, the only thing he What that name will be associated with is being the son. of a billionaire so people can be as mad at him as they want, but I think he did that guy a favor and while we're on the topic of Elon Musk, I just like to say that as much as I think billionaires are destroying the structure. of society with unbridled greed and blatant self-interest at the expense of everyone else's basic human rights, it's a little strange to me that people get angry at them, the people are the ones who gave them the money in the first place , if tired of hearing about Elon Musk fathering even more children and putting microchips in human brains stop buying Teslas for a year the company disappears stop using Twitter even for a month the company disappears but if you want to drive with your head up your ass and blame the car you have to have a Tesla and if you want to argue with strangers about complex geopolitical situations using only cat memes you have to have Twitter if you are tired of watching Jeff Bezos fly into space in his Rocket stop using Amazon for a month , the company goes under, Bezos disappears, but if you want toothpaste and toilet paper delivered to your door so you don't have to go through the traumatic experience of putting on clothes, getting in your car, and driving 5 minutes. al supermarketstore you have to have Amazon if you're tired of Mark Zuckerberg's lifeless eyes policing the metaverse stop using Facebook Instagram WhatsApp and threads well I guess you've already stopped using threads, but if you want an endless stream of targeted ads and marketing algorithmically based Based on your private conversations that are secretly recorded and sold to advertisers, you must have Instagram, but I don't want to give you the wrong idea.

I am not anti-technology. I know a lot of people are, but I'm not far from that. I mean, on some level, I'm tech, the current state of technology makes it a good time to be alive, especially if you're dead, but I'm a little confused about something related to our technological place in history that technology today has created. It is possible that all the information that has been created in the history of humanity is contained in a device that everyone carries in their pocket and most people are using it to post videos of the sandwich they just ate right now.

Every person in the connected world could whether by watching Harvard philosophy lectures for free on YouTube or listening to Nobel Prize-winning physicists explain the fundamental nature of reality on iTunes or reading about the history of literally anything on Wikipedia, everyone should To be more enlightened and smarter, everyone should use the most powerful technology. once created to transform Human Society into a utopian Paradise, instead people use it to watch cats eat their own and monkeys masturbate with frogs, it's not technology that is ruining Society, It's how people use it, they use it without aspiration, without curiosity, without the idea that it could improve their lives, that it could make them better people and that it can do those things, but it is easier to identify with some negative element of their condition current and not just accept it but celebrate what people will get out of it. worst traits and crown themselves kings and queens of that trait reading I'm an illiterate king brushing my teeth I'm a root canal queen Flushing the toilet I'm a poop drinker King washing my clothes I'm a stained underwear queen and I feel like you want to regain some perceived control;

Elevate your own idea of ​​your position in the world, but calling yourself a king will do as much to improve your life as calling your studio a castle will do as much to improve your life as what you really want to be. saying and what you really mean is that I don't care to read I don't care if I'm illiterate brushing my teeth I don't care if I have to get a root canal when I come back to the office I don't care if I get fired get another job I don't care if I have to masturbate on a webcam to pay the rent have a girlfriend I don't care if I have to pay to masturbate a girl masturbate on a webcam this doesn't make you an independent king, now it makes you feel alone.

I want to change the subject and talk about something that everyone is doing but no one wants to admit they are doing it. I'm talking about dying, that's right, every person listening to this right now is dying, some of you call it. Getting older some of you call it aging some of you call it maturing some of you call it being trapped in a loveless marriage but no matter what you call it from the moment you are born you are dying plain and simple and it seems like we build everything our society ignoring or explaining away that very simple and universal fact, that's what all religions are just complex lies we made up when our brains grew big enough to start putting two and two together.

Hi Bob, sorry to hear about your mom, thanks Gary. I was getting old and I'm sorry to hear about your dad, by the way, thanks Bob, he was getting old too, hey, wait a second, it seems like all old people die holy deaths, Gary, I never thought about that, but you know what that means , yes, Bob, it means. We're going to grow old and die too well Gary I don't want to die and therefore I don't want to grow old, neither me nor Bob, unless there's something even better after we die. I'm listening Gary, what if there was something better? like a place where you never grow old and you never die and you get everything you want and you have no difficulties of any kind and when you die here you go there Gary I really think you are on to something with this idea.

The governments of the world are simply bullies who believe that after 6 million years of human evolution it is still kill or be killed and being killed is dying, so you have to kill. The first government occurred when a large man saw a smaller member of the tribe eating. an apple that he wanted, so he came over and said: give me a bite of that apple or I'm going to kill you and the little one said, friend, so the big one killed him and took the whole damn apple, now everyone in the tribe dan. The big one takes a bite of his apple so as not to kill them, but if another big one from his own tribe crosses his path, the two big ones have to fight to the death to see who is the biggest, then the biggest one takes over the dead idiot tribe and gets even more bites of more apples, eventually one of the big figures doesn't just want bites of apples anymore, he wants bites of everything and that's pretty clever, so instead of keeping track of everything everyone has, he makes up a system based on a fictitious resource called money and forces all members of his tribe to use it or kills them and today that clever invention controls every aspect of human society, there was another pretty clever one who figured out how to use a stick when he had to do it.

He fought with others and the stick worked so well that he never lost a fight until he came across an even bigger stick and it has been that way for about 5 million years today the largest stick in the world cost $877 billion it is called that the The United States military could We have solved the homelessness crisis, the opioid crisis and we have found a cure for cancer for half of that. Instead, we have a nuclear arsenal that could destroy the world 10 times over and next year it will be 11 times over because your stick can never be too big when it's kill or be killed, yes folks, it's been running since the dawn of abstract thought.

I spent 71 years in the system and let me tell you I could change but the system never does but now I have been on this side of things for a long time. I guess it's hard to say that I feel like I've been here forever, but for the sake of argument, let's say about a day or so and I can tell you that I've already learned one thing that I know to be right, to live is really to die and to die is really to die. live thank you all thank you very much thank you have a good night just to remind you that it was not George Carlin.

I hope you enjoyed my impersonation of George Carlin in my second one-hour comedy special called George Carlin. I am happy to have done it. I'm dead, thank you so much for listening and watching until next time, call me friend.