Wall Street Panics After Trump Unveils Lackluster Coronavirus Response Plan

WELCOME! WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW". I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. (APPLAUSE AND APPLAUSE) (PIANO RIFF) THANK YOU. I'm glad you're all in a good mood because I, for one, am not panicking. (LAUGHTER) I GOT THESE BURNED. THEN BURN THE PERSON WHO BURNED THEM. (LAUGHTER) NOW, SOME PEOPLE ARE PANICING. IE, WALL STREET. IN THE FIRST THREE DAYS OF THIS WEEK, THE DOW LOST 2,000 POINTS, BUT LAST NIGHT, DONALD TRUMP HOLDED A PRESS CONFERENCE TO HOLD INVESTORS, AND TODAY IT REPLACED, FALLING NEARLY 1,200 POINTS, THE BIGGEST SINGLE-DAY FALL IN THE HISTORY. THAT MUST BE VERY HARD FOR WALL STREET BOYS.

IF THEY ALSO HAD ACCESS TO SOME TYPE OF DRUGS THAT WOULD MAKE THEM FEEL BETTER. (LAUGHTER) AND THEN MAKE THEM THINK THEY COULD FORM A BAND! (LAUGHTER) SEE, THERE IS A NEW CASE IN THE UNITED STATES, AND THIS PERSON DOES NOT APPEAR TO HAVE TRAVELED TO COUNTRIES HIT BY THE VIRUS OR HAVE BEEN EXPOSED TO A KNOWN CORONAVIRUS PATIENT. WELL. GOOD. GOOD TO KNOW. EXCUSE ME JUST A MOMENT. (BELL RINGS) PLAGUE! PLAGUE! A JUST CLEANING TO PUNISH MAN FOR HIS VANITY AND LUST! MOVE YOUR SCYTHE, OH ANGRY GOD! REGRET! REGRET! REGRET! REGRET! (LAUGHTER) WHERE WAS I?

YES, THE CALIFORNIA CASE IS OFFICIALLY THE FIRST INSTANCE OF COMMUNITY TRANSMISSION IN THE UNITED STATES, WHICH MEANS THERE ARE A HIGH CHANCE THAT THERE ARE ALREADY INFECTED PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRY AND THAT THE VIRUS IS CIRCULATING UNDETECTED. THEREFORE, YOU SHOULD ONLY WORRY IF YOU ARE IN THIS COUNTRY AND THE PEOPLE. (LAUGHTER) THERE MAY BE MANY MORE PEOPLE INFECTED THAN WE KNOW BECAUSE IN TESTS IN SOME STATES, THE CDC'S CORONAVIRUS TEST KITS PRODUCED RESULTS THAT WERE "INCONCLUSIVE." INCONCLUSIVE IS NOT GOOD FOR SUCH AN IMPORTANT TEST! THAT'S WHY WHEN PEOPLE WANT TO KNOW IF THEY ARE PREGNANT, THEY DON'T URINE ON A MAGIC 8 BALL! (LAUGHTER) LET'S SEE, HE SAYS, UH...

HE SAYS, UH... HONEY, HE SAYS... HONEY, HE SAYS "OPIA AGAIN LATER." (LAUGHTER) (PIANO RIFF) OF COURSE, DURING ANY HEALTH PROBLEM, IT IS IMPORTANT TO STAY AWAY FROM DANGEROUS TRANSMISSION VECTORS, MAINLY THE INTERNET, WHICH IS FULL OF FAKE CURE FOR CORONAVIRUS. A RUMOR CLAIMS THAT BOILED GARLIC CAN CURE THE VIRUS. ANOTHER SUGGESTS YOU "DRINK BLEACH." (AUDIENCE REACTS) I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING THIS, BUT DON'T DRINK BLEACH. (LAUGHTER) OK? IT'S BAD FOR YOU AND RUINS THE FLAVOR OF THE TIDES. (LAUGHTER) Last night at his press conference, Trump said that he doesn't believe the stock market's death spiral has anything to do with the

coronavirus

.

I THINK THE FINANCIAL MARKETS ARE VERY ANNOYED WHEN THEY LOOK AT THE DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES PRESENTING ON STAGE DOING THE FOOL. STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP) "YES, AND THE DARK AGES WAS NOT AFFECTED IN ANY WAY BY THE BLACK DEATH. THE VASSALS WERE JUST ANNOYING BECAUSE EDUARD III WAS A SOCIALIST. BLOOD CARE FOR EVERYONE? WHO'S GOING TO PAY FOR THAT? THE KNIGHTS TEMPLAR? (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) "I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANY OF THE WORDS I JUST SAID. . "TRUMP'S BIGGEST ANNOUNCEMENT Last night was that the

coronavirus

response

effort will be led by the vice president and a man watching his wife flirt with balloon animal maker Mike Pence. (LAUGHTER) THIS IS THE BIGGEST CRISIS EVER TRUMP'S PRESIDENCY, AND HIS FIRST RESPONSE IS, "MIKE, YOU'RE UP." (LAUGHTER) IT'S LIKE THAT FAMOUS QUOTE ON HARRY TRUMAN'S DESK: "THE BUCK IS IN MIKE PENCE'S OFFICE!" VICE PRESIDENT HAS EXPERIENCE WITH OUTBREAKS SPECIFICALLY, BECAUSE, WHEN HE WAS GOVERNOR OF INDIANA, PENCE'S REFUSAL TO IMPLEMENT A NEEDLE EXCHANGE PROGRAM LEAD TO THE WORST HIV OUTBREAK IN THE STATE'S HISTORY.

IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCESS, WELCOME TO THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION." (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE AND APPLAUSE) (PIANO RIFF) THE POINT OF THAT PRESS CONFERENCE WAS NOT PUBLIC HEALTH. AS THE WASHINGTON POST STATED, "OFFICIALS IN TRUMP'S CORONAVIRUS BRIEFING FOCUSED ON PREVENTING THE SPREAD OF CRITICISM OF TRUMP." (LAUGHTER) YES, AND THAT'S VERY CONTAGIOUS. EVERYONE I KNOW HAS IT. I CAN BE PATIENT ZERO. (LAUGHTER) (Applause and applause) YOU HAVE TO BE CAREFUL. Jon: EVERYONE I KNOW HAS IT RIGHT NOW. Stephen: AND THIS DESIRE TO PREVENT ANY CRITICISM IS WHAT MAKES THIS NEXT DETAIL SO DISTURBING. FROM NOW ON, MIKE PENCE WILL MONITOR ALL CORONAVIRUS MESSAGES FROM HEALTH OFFICIALS. (THE PUBLIC REACTS) AND HIS FIRST ORDER IS TO RENAME THE NATIONAL HEALTH INSTITUTES, "PRAY TO REMOVE THE PLAGUE." (LAUGHTER) PENCE HAS A LOT OF WORK FOR HIM.

AROUND THE WORLD, THE CORONAVIRUS IS HAVING A HUGE IMPACT ON DAILY LIFE. HERE IN THE US, A GROWING LIST OF UNIVERSITIES ARE CANCELING OR REDIRECTING STUDY ABROAD PROGRAMS DUE TO THE CORONAVIRUS. (AS PARENT) "I'M SORRY, DEVIN. I KNOW YOU WERE EXCITED ABOUT ITALY, BUT YOU CAN STUDY ART HISTORY HERE AT THE MALL. YOU KNOW, AT SPENCERS, THEY HAVE POSTERS WHERE, IF YOU COME REALLY CLOSE AND RELAX YOUR EYES, YOU CAN SEE! A SAILBOAT! (LAUGHTER) WELL, IT DOESN'T WORK IF YOU'RE CRYING." (LAUGHTER) DEVIN IS SO UPSET HE'S CRYING AT THIS RECREATION. (LAUGHTER) THE CORONAVIRUS IS EVEN DISTURBING PEOPLE'S FOOD.

RESTAURANTS IN CHINA ARE TAKING EXTREME MEASURES TO PROTECT CUSTOMERS. YOU ARE LOOKING AT THE NEW NORMAL FOR MANY FAST FOOD RESTAURANTS IN CHINA. CUSTOMERS WHO ENTER THIS KFC GO THROUGH THE STANDARD TEMPERATURE CHECKS NOW. WHEN APPROACHING A GIANT SCREEN, THEY EITHER TRANSFER THEIR ORDER FROM THEIR SMARTPHONES, THUS AVOIDING TOUCHING THE SURFACE, OR THEY WRITE IT DOWN. AS THEY LEAVE, AN EMPLOYEE ENTER TO DISINFECT. STEPHEN: I HAVE TO SAY, IF YOU'RE SO CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR HEALTH, WHY ARE YOU EATING AT KFC? (LAUGHTER) (Applause and applause) VERY GOOD. Jon: AND WHAT ABOUT THE POPEYES? Stephen: THAT WOULD BE AS IF, BEFORE DRIVING INTO THE CANYON, THELMA AND LOUISE HAD SAID, "OH-OH, SEAT BELTS!" (LAUGHTER) THESE NEW STRICT PRECAUTIONS ALSO EXTEND TO REMOVING FOOD.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS HERE. THEY LEFT IT THERE. HE TELLS ME THAT I CAN... I MOVE IN, PICK UP THE FOOD AND COME BACK HOME TO EAT. AND AS SOON AS YOU RECEIVE YOUR FOOD, YOU WILL NOTICE THAT ON TOP OF THE RECEIPT THERE IS THIS CARD. IT HAS TWO DIFFERENT TYPES OF READINGS. THE TEMPERATURE READING OF THE PERSON WHO PREPARED YOUR FOOD, ALONG WITH THEIR NAME, AND THE NAME AND TEMPERATURE READING OF THE PERSON WHO DELIVERED YOUR FOOD. STEPHEN: THAT'S A LITTLE INVASIVE. "Okay, I'll get a medium pie, half a pepper, half a green pepper, two liters of cola, and both oral and rectal temperatures from everyone in your kitchen.

THANK YOU! OOH! GARLIC KNOTS." (LAUGHTER) Jon: OH MY GOD! Stephen: PROCTOR AND GAMBLE SAYS PRODUCTS MAY BE AFFECTED. GET READY TO BRUSH YOUR TEETH WITH A HYGIENE PRODUCT STILL MADE IN THE UNITED STATES. JACK DANIELS. ( Applause and applause ) Stephen: THAT WILL REMOVE ( Applause and applause ) Stephen: THAT WILL REMOVE THE ENAMEL FROM YOUR TEETH. SOME CHINESE INGREDIENTS AFFECT EVEN THE MOST AMERICAN PRODUCTS. "COCA-COLA MAY BE SHORT OF ARTIFICIAL SWEETENER FOR DIET AND SUGAR-FREE DRINKS DUE TO THE CORONAVIRUS." BUT DIET COCA IS ALREADY ADJUSTING ITS RECIPE TO COMPENSATE ITS LACK OF SWEETENER WITH THIS NEW PRODUCT: WE ALL LOVE THE REFRESHING FLAVOR OF DIET COCA, BUT THE CORONAVIRUS CUT OFF OUR SUPPLY OF SWEETENER.

THEREFORE, WE INTRODUCE A NEW SALTY SOAK DIET. IT'S ALL THE THINGS YOU LOVE ABOUT DIET COCA BUT THE RIFLAVOR SUGAR, BECAUSE WE REPLACE THE SWEETENER WITH MEAT BULLION. IT MAY TASTE DIFFERENT BUT IT'S STILL BUBBLY, STILL BROWN. IT'S THE ONLY DIET SOFT THAT WILL MAKE YOU SAY OOOH, MOMMY! SO LET THE EXPERTS WORRY ABOUT THE PANDEMIC AND RELAX WITH A COLD, SALTY DIET COK. DIET COCA SALTY. IT'S DIET BECAUSE YOU WON'T WANT TO DRINK IT. (Applause and applause) STEPHEN: WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. JUAN TURTURRO IS HERE. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "IN THE MEANWHILE!" (Applause and applause) (BAND PLAYING)