Trump Gives Himself "Honest Don" Nickname

-Good night. I'm Seth Meyers. This is "Late Night." We hope you are well tonight. Now, if you don't mind, I'll go to the news. President Biden has signaled that he will sign a bipartisan bill that would force TikTok's Chinese parent company to sell the social media platform. Alright, you're already having a hard enough time with the Gen Z vote. What else are you going to do? Cancel "Euphoria"? Those kids are going to be too old. By the time they make a new season, they'll be too old. After the House passed a bill that would force the sale of TikTok, White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre called on the Senate to "take swift action on the legislation." Okay, but have you seen the Senate?

Some of these guys are just beginning to regulate the telegraph. I don't like the sound of tapping! Asked yesterday about former President Trump's sudden support for TikTok, Republican Congressman Dan Crenshaw said, "Someone is getting bad advice." Hey, don't underestimate him. He's getting bad advice from everyone. President Biden yesterday announced $3.3 billion in funding for infrastructure projects in Wisconsin, saying, "We're filling the cracks in the sidewalks." With what? Gold? That's right, friends. We're pouring liquid gold on the sidewalks. It is not a joke. Let's fix those potholes with a mixture of diamonds and cashews from the minibar. According to a new ranking, Boston is the best city to go to celebrate St.

Patrick's Day. Sorry, I should say "from", the best city to leave from. A new report estimates that Americans are expected to spend more than $7.2 billion on St. Patrick's Day, and that's on insurance. Former President Trump referred to

himself

in a Truth Social post this week as "Don Honest." And at this point, I've come to believe that even he's being sarcastic. Check out Honest Don here. No one who is

honest

puts "Honest" in front of his name. If there's a place called Honest Don's in your hometown, it's a used car dealership or pawn shop. Maybe a pizzeria, but not the good one.

When asked in a new interview about his meeting with former President Trump last week, Elon Musk said Trump came over while he was having breakfast at a friend's house. Well, that makes sense. He probably got there smelling bacon and floating cartoon-style through the window. At a hearing this week, the superintendent of the New Orleans Police Department said there is a rodent infestation in evidence rooms, adding: "The rats are eating our marijuana. They're all high." But there is good news: they have set some traps. Actor Nicolas Cage said in a new interview that he probably wasn't paid for his role in the 1996 film "Leaving Las Vegas." He also didn't get paid for "National Treasure" because he didn't know it was a movie.

Were they filming that? Oh man! That means you're an accessory! In honor of National Pie Day, Pizza Hut offered customers a free large, one-topping pizza with the purchase of a large pie. And if you eat both pizzas, you will have to go to the bathroom 3.14 times. That joke wasn't really about math. And finally, Starbucks has introduced its St. Patrick's Day-themed Frappuccino, which features a matcha cream base blended with caramel syrup and topped with whipped cream and caramel-sugar crunch. Look for it on your local sidewalk on Monday morning. And that was the monologue, y'all. We are underway.

We have a great show for you tonight with two of our all-time favorites. He is Ant-Man. You also know him from "This is 40", "Anchorman" and many more. He stars in the new movie "Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire," which opens in theaters next weekend. Paul Rudd is back on the show, y'all. And she's an Emmy-winning "SNL" writer who you've seen on "A.P. Bio," "Sisters" and is back in the third season of "Girls5eva," now on Netflix. Many of my friends call her the funniest person who ever lived. They are fine. Paula Pell joins us. A Paul and a Paula... we finally did it.

Before we get to all that, Donald Trump appeared in a Florida court today for a hearing in which his lawyers argued that the case against him for theft of classified documents should be dismissed, even after a key witness came forward and revealed new and shocking details about the case. suspicious behavior he saw at Mar-a-Lago. To learn more about this, it's time for "A Closer Look." ♪♪ It seems like there's nothing new we can learn about Joe Biden and Donald Trump, given that they've both been running for president against each other for what seems like 3,000 years. In fact, this is true: early depictions of the First Continental Congress showed them yelling at each other.

Remember to put absolute immunity there. Hello friends, check it out. I just frozen some sweetened milk and it's great. Put sweetened milk in a cone. I'm not kidding. But we've actually learned something new about Donald Trump that we didn't know when he was president. The boy loves court. He is always there, even when he is not needed. Him just scowling at the defense table, storming out of the courtroom and holding impromptu press conferences while he's holed up between barricades like a balloon before the start of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Why is he clinging to the bars like that?

He looks like a 7-year-old boy watching his older siblings about to ride a roller coaster. They are treating me very unfairly. They say I'm not tall enough to ride. You're not supposed to like being in court that much. The only person I can think of who spent that much time in court is Judge Judy, and look how angry she is. The difference between Trump and Judge Judy: all the money he claims to have, she got. Judge Judy received that money. I'm starting to think Trump likes it because it's the only place he can go where everyone is forced to talk to him.

The court is basically his Health. He will have to involve George Wendt and John Ratzenberger in a criminal conspiracy just to be able to sit next to them. You know, Donny, the reason Lady Justice has that blindfold on her is because she's being taken to a surprise party. That's very true. That's very true. That's a passable impression of Cliff. And once again today, Trump showed up at a hearing in Florida even though he didn't actually have to be there. This time, his lawyers were once again trying to get his classified documents case dismissed. -Donald Trump is in a Florida courtroom today as his lawyers argue to dismiss the entire Mar-A-Lago classified documents case. -His lawyers are pushing to have the charges dismissed in the case in which he is accused of illegal possession of classified documents. -The trial was initially scheduled for May.

Prosecutors now want July, but if Trump succeeds in getting him a stay, which has been a winning strategy so far, the trial might not begin until after the election. -Trump's lawyers say he had the authority to designate those classified documents as his personal documents. -The argument that his lawyers are going to make is that he was president, he took documents from the White House. That's because he wanted to say that they are his. -But they are not yours. They were marked "classified." If it is marked "classified" then it cannot be his personal property. The only people who mark their personal property as "classified" are teenagers who definitely want someone to read their diary.

Hello, Derek. I leave my diary here. My journal is marked "classified," so don't read it, Derek. But if you read it, you should turn to page four. Because you are in this and I think you will find it very interesting. By the way, even if it wasn't marked "classified", it wouldn't be his personal property. You took it from work. I can't take him home from work and tell my wife that he is my personal property for two reasons: one, he belongs to NBC and two, because I have been told repeatedly that there is no room in our house for my Andy.

Statue of the Samberg mummy that says: "My ass fell off." And then, to make matters worse, I called the Smithsonian. They don't want it either! Are you upset? Trump believes that he can unilaterally decide that he owns any government property he wants, government property paid for by American citizens. For example, one of the witnesses in the case, a Mar-A-Lago employee who was previously not identified in the indictment, just gave a successful interview to CNN where he revealed that Trump removed boxes of classified documents from Mar-A-Lago. Lake. Lago while the FBI was trying to recover them. -A former Mar-A-Lago employee now publicly describes how he helped move materials related to the classified documents case.

Brian Butler says he was a Mar-a-Lago employee for 20 years and handled car service for the former president. Butler told CNN that he helped Trump's co-defendant, Walt Nauta, load several boxes onto Trump's plane at the West Palm Beach airport on June 3, 2022. That was the same time the FBI was searching for documents classified in a storage area at Mar-a-Lago. . -So, you know, we are there to help with luggage, anything you need to get to the plane. We arrived at the airport. I ended up carrying all the luggage I had and he had a ton of boxes. -Did you notice that he had boxes? -Oh yeah.

They were the boxes that were in the accusation. We were taking them out of the Escalade and stacking them. I remember they were all stacked on top of each other and then we would lift them up to the pilot. -Well, first of all, why were they putting them on the pilot? The only time I've seen someone lift something up to the pilot is in a movie, when it's a small plane in South America and they're handing him bales of cocaine. The first rule of air travel is that when the pilot packs your luggage, it is a crime.

Oh, unless it's Spirit. At Spirit, the pilot does everything because there are no other employees. They pick you up at your house, they take you to the airport. They search you, they scan you at security, they do a cavity search. They make you a vodka and tonic at the airport bar, announce boarding groups, scan your ticket, make security announcements, serve you pretzels, throw you to the ground when you've had too many Bloody Marys, and fight with the next person. to you because he decided to wear sandals on a plane like a psychopath, give you a hot towel, land the plane and then jump out and shake the plane while it taxis on the runway.

But Trump didn't steal the documents just for his personal pleasure. He also shared those secrets with members of his club, including an Australian billionaire named Anthony Pratt. -There was a member, Anthony Pratt, who was coming... he arrived by plane the night before. -He is an Australian billionaire. -He ends his meeting with the former president, he gets in the car and his chief of staff says to him: "How was the meeting?" Pratt, without saying anything, just says, "He told me..." and it would be, you know, classified information from the US military, you know, from what he told her about Russian submarines and American submarines.

He got straight to the point. He told me American submarines and Russian submarines, and, you know, something that, in my opinion, would most likely be classified. -So, it was clear to you that he was basically seeking access to... -Oh, absolutely, absolutely. Here's a guy who's just buying access. It's very easy to see. -An Australian billionaire obtained top secret information about American and Russian submarines. Fortunately, the good news is that he couldn't share that information because it's impossible to say the word "submarine" with an Australian accent. No one would understand if he tried. Oh, I can tell you where the submarines are.

Caramba! Where what are they? Submarines! "Wa-sa-sas." Seriously, this should be a huge scandal. That is the literal definition of buying access. A billionaire gave Trump money to be a member of his club, and in return, Trump gave that billionaire sensitive national security secrets. He is crazy. I mean, who else was Trump selling access to? Spies, lobbyists? Anyone Trump talks to? So basically anyone except Eric. Father, could you also know where the submarines are? They are in the water hazard right next to the seventh tee. Put on your snorkel mask and go find them. It's so sad.

It's so sad. He'll be out there for hours. I just like seeing the little tube of him going around. This is just a classic case of corruption and personal enrichment. Trump sold secrets for money. It is that simple. It's both shocking and unsurprising, because Trump would sell anything for money. He already has it: shitty shoes, digital trading cards, pieces of his mugshot suit. If he's willing to sell things like that for money, of course he'd sell real national security secrets. I'm surprised he hasn't started selling to the public on an infomercial yet. Do you like to read?

Do you like submarines? Would you like to be able to read about the locations of our nation's submarines? Well, now you can. Featuring my series of graded Trump commemorative coins. Each coin is engraved with the exact coordinates of one of the naval vesselsundercover of our nation. Call now and the entire set of graded coins can be yours for just $99.99, or as many rubles as you have. And if you act now, you'll receive a free Trump beer koozie adorned with a detailed map of the White House Situation Room. So don't wait. Call now... Those are the nuclear launch codes.

Do not tell anybody. Shh! This should be a massive scandal. It's Trump in a nutshell. He believes he owns everything and will do anything to get rich. He will sell secrets to anyone. This time it was a guy named Anthony. Next up will be a guy named Jimmy, John or Mike, whoever wants... -Subs. This has been "A Closer Look." ♪♪ We'll be back with Paul Rudd, everyone.