Tik Toks Way Funnier Than Your FYP

and now it's a hat, so if you're not at work today or working from home, you might be wondering what day it is. Todd has the answer for us. It's Monday. I know today was a difficult day, but there is a party called. tomorrow and I better see you there, you'll be there you fucking nerd, we've literally circled around the mall like eight times and we could, we haven't seen a single car, we have no idea where you are, Mike, I think it might be the FBI. looking at me why would they be looking at you you're not a girl what does that have to do with anything it's the agency of female body inspectors did you read that on a shirt or something there's not much to look at I wouldn't worry if Did you come first of all of you?

My boyfriend and I just got caught on his mother's security camera. I'm so happy to get out of there. Did you bring the drugs? Jackson. I brought the joke and the alcohol pass. Hey, be happy? This is my impression of a white father. In a retail store where there are two cash registers open, I can't choose why to choose only one. What is this strange? Be careful with the fog, it was reported later oh no, hello everyone, this is me, checking if the cooler at my work is soundproof, thanks, this is the names of all the pasta in my basement but I only pronounce the vowels this is jerry seinfeld um if i was being murdered by jay leno jay what are you doing for now for now you're killing me you're killing me oh god oh Jesus, if the formula for water is h2o, what is the formula for ice?

So this is what will happen on New Year's Eve in Times Square. This year people will be in their homes as the ball falls, they will hug each other and tell themselves that this year will be better, then something on the television catches their attention, the ball starts to shake and then explodes, then they watch as Amazon founder and CEO Jeff Bezos comes out with full Dr. Octavious arms and destroys the mm store. Hey, can anyone tell me if this is it? a tray of thin mints on the side or if it's two glasses of chocolate milk, let me know what that is, um, if you've had a very close loved one die, what's the funniest thing that happened at their funeral? ?

We saw the Hursts go through a car wash with her in it, what if you're giving

your

man sweet kisses and you say, let's take him to the bedroom and he says, wow, what a beautiful day in Narnia? I could really go for some Turkish delight here's a real funny story so my dad is missing an army and one time he took us to ihop my mom gave us this amazing couch and us my brothers oh are they coming? question mark question mark question mark question mark question mark question mark smiling very sad guys I just found my old Vine account.

Hey, I'm calling all the guys I've slept with to tell them I have herpes, but you told me you were a virgin and you also told me you had a big dick, so I guess we lied, Devon, this is for you. a bag yes, I love it, I know, but there is something in it that opens it no, just open it no, I don't want it, don't open the door no, you're going to like it, I swear, just open it, why are they all products for women? like real words like they smell like roses and stuff how to do what what is this how can I how do I smell extreme explosion the attractions live right next to the laughter family Mrs.

Wright didn't like Mr. Left, so she stabbed him right in the the left one blurted out right on the sidewalk his family cried until there were no tears left to cry now open

your

present your face is very serious don't be too serious life can be very serious put a smile on your face make people laugh a little better then my dad made lasagna for dinner and he said he was really excited to make lasagna for dinner because he had a dad joke he wanted to tell us so go ahead lgbtq lasagna garlic bread time queens so in 7th grade I had just I learned the word tired in French class and if you don't know, it's like fatigue, which is spelled the same as fatigue in English and I didn't know that fatigue was also a similar word, I just didn't know it, so like the next day in class english class we were reading something out loud and they chose me to read and the part I was reading had the word fatigue and when I got to that word I said fatigue and everyone looked at me and I said what and I just like to keep reading and think back Like it sounded like I was describing myself or something, the second part in the microwave, I put 20.

I'm really devastated, I don't know what to do, someone said I look like beans and I was like I don't look like a food and then I realized they meant I look like a lizard a lizard I don't look like a lizard take it back what is a dictionary called? high, high definition, I'm so dumb, I just read this and I thought, oh, this car is in French, I wonder what bonne aja means, oh, so I live in America, right, so when it's December and sirens sound like Now, I can't tell if people are dying or if Santa is just wandering around.

I knew it, what do you think of when you hear the words GPA? These in North Dakota will use it as abbreviations for grandfather. My friend texted me my GPA. she died and I thought she was so average so I said lmao and ignored her. Turns out he's talking about his grandfather. I won't apologize and your man is arguing and you know he's stupid and you want it to end. I want you to go out once twice. I'm not discussing something you did before Covid hit and that you like now. I couldn't believe you would ever do it.

I can't believe we ever went bowling like we used to. We all stuck our fingers in the same three holes and then it would be like eating and drinking and it would be my turn so this phone number kept calling me it was like calling me and I said hello hello hello there was no answer so I thought my paranoid head I was like oh someone is trying to get my location so they can come and kidnap me so I said if you come to my house I will kill you they called my number back it was the delivery guy for my dominoes oh my god guys It's that Lego Barack Obama and Joe Biden enjoying a delicious hot meal. dogs at a wiggles concert you know it was too soon what was something you used to do when you were younger that you thought was cool and now you look back and realize it wasn't cool for me it was this, I used to play baseball and I had friends who shot tobacco, but I didn't like that sweaty, crumbly dried meat.

Yeah, why do burgers go to the gym to get better buns? So the sugars in this hotel are shit and my mom and I are debating about my sugars. better not because I have yours next to the microwave I have exods coffee what the hell is coffee excellence I have 7-eleven write my impression below I love you king julien hello king julien I love you king julien this girl came in holding my gift that she just wrapped for me he asked me to guess what it is, turn it to the side I'm also a little scared, is it an xbox?

You wouldn't believe your eyes if she took my eyes off and put them back when the time comes. to cry, steal, the only thing in your refrigerator is watermelon, come on brother, you don't have to make me like this sweet and sour soup that is for my girlfriend, yeah, oh, give her a not small cabin, okay, bring me a lock for this one. Uh, yeah, what's that big dookie soup? I think it's my favorite comment of all time. I wish on Jim Carrey like you want to take him, but you're going to wish and then you get me, like why does my Jim Carrey have a vagina somewhere?

I think maybe guys, I'm going to try to scare my mom, oh wait, I forgot she's deaf so I left for a minute, but I was thinking what if you had a dog or a cat or something and you guys? they're like oh hey what's up rex or tina and it was like hey what's up or how are you today you say oh shoot like my dog ​​can talk right but parrots do this birds birds do this I'm drinking I'm drinking my tea birds talk nobody nobody says nothing about it oh let me play you a sad song on the world's smallest violin hey do you want to see a magic track okay oh my god there's something behind your ear wait it's a lemon oh my god I think there's something else come to sleep I'm really sorry telling the truth I have oh yeah what would you do if I was in your bed probably screen oh my god how did you get to my house do you know what you're afraid of I mean I'm really just afraid of the dark.

Hey, why do you have knives behind you? Well, as a single girl living alone in a big city, I think it's important to have a knife with you at all times because you never know when you're going to do it. I need to cut the sexual tension at a family gathering I hope you die and that's how I got arrested for first degree murder You look better with my hands around your throat I think you look better as the hungry caterpillar by Eric Carl It's speeding up my times little baby is hungry, okay, okay, okay ladies, you want to send a sexy photo that will really catch a man's attention, so don't send the mirror selfie because that's too over the top.

They've seen it a million times now, a panoramic selfie. It's a different story. A panoramic selfie will get a good close-up view of your entire body so you can see everything you're working with. Send your man one of these. I guarantee you it will get his attention. Tell me. I've been single for a long time without telling me you've been single for a long time this is my impression of barack obama if I were a window in a Windex commercial now let me be clear I'm literally very embarrassed right now let me tell you why So for a Last week I was talking to a guy on Bumble who listens to the same music as me and I said, "Oh yeah, I'll make you a playlist as a way to flirt," so I made him a playlist and then sent him the link, what I didn't realize is that it now has my username for Spotify.

He texts me and says, Hey, I found your sex playlist.