Therapist Reacts to BRAVE

see, if you could, I think I could make you understand if you would just listen, listen, they're in completely different places, both literally geographically and here and here, and I love that they both ended the conversation by saying, if you could listen, listen. and very often in conversations we want to be heard but not listen well hello and welcome to film therapy I'm alan searight professional filmmaker and I'm jonathan decker licensed

therapist

what are we doing today bro we're reacting to things mmm mainly you well, to what am I reacting? you're going to react to

brave

from pixar ooh or brother bear 2. mama bear brother bear 2 mama bear and little bears in fact, I really like

brave

I love it I love the character of Merida I love all the Scottish things, but when I saw it the first time I missed it halfway when he turned into him like I saw it five years ago, yes a person turns into a bear to learn an important lesson and reconnect with his family, yes I never actually saw it. brother bear, but it reminded me a little of Guardians, the excellent Russian film with a giant tank-like human-bear hybrid, it's part of the growing subgenre of a person who turns into a bear and unleashes the fury of it.

There are some very interesting ones. family relationship dynamics, especially mother-daughter things, so Merida is a princess, a Scottish princess, her parents want to marry her, she wants to, I don't want to get married, I want to stay single and let my hair flow in the wind while I travel. the glen shooting arrows into the sunset that sums her up, so let's dive in where mom doesn't approve of her wild ways and she wants her to be a proper lady. Yes, a princess must know her kingdom. She does, Nate Doodle, I love it. that the doodle of her is a doodle of her holding a doodle oh pixar, don't laugh, right? her drink rises early is compassionate, patient, cautious, clean and above all, a princess strives for perfection, but every once in a while there is a day when she doesn't have to be a princess, her hair is incredibly animated, his hair breaks the laws of physics in a way that only Scottish hair can, so his mom is doing what many parents do: they want the best for their children. and then they ignore what the kids are actually saying, this is what I need, yeah, right, well, and I mean how relatable you know, their mom is almost kind of a stereotype like the outstanding helicopter mom stereotype, right, do this, do this, be perfect at that. get straight A's, get into Harvard well, and what we see a lot with parents is that my identity is wrapped up in who my kid is right and therefore whether my kid has these grades or is the star quarterback or does this or that, then I am a success and what ends up happening is that the child really has no choice about who they want to be and who and what they want to do with their life.

It's all about meeting parents' expectations, so parents, if you're watching. Your children will discover who they are and if you want to be an amazing parent, you need to let them discover it and support them on the journey. Now give them a little push. You can give them a push. "Give them boundaries if they say I don't want to, if they're in seventh grade, they say I want to drop out of school and I want to, and they know, of course, that they like being parents, but like you." You're leading them into adulthood, let them be themselves and let them discover themselves and that's not what she's doing.

What do you expect us to do? Cancel the meeting. That would kill them. You're the queen. You can just tell the lord who the princess is. I'm not ready for this, in fact, she might, so I love that you're ready for this, so that's good, we're having a conversation between these two characters where each of them understands that all of this must seem unfair, you know, oh, she's talking to herself. and then she is talking to her husband instead of marriage, who plays the role of Meredith, yeah, I don't want my life to be like that, but I want my freedom, but are you willing to pay the price?

No, I talk a lot about editing on this show. I'm doing a lot of editing to see what I'm doing and this is a very obvious case where you know we're cutting between two completely different scenes so it's obvious to edit correctly and getting the obvious edit to land is much harder. because you're paying attention to him but you're meant to and one of the things I'm going to do a little cinematic rant here uh we love it when he does that ah right? It's all great, um, the editing in this particular movie, that scene is actually very difficult to intercut two scenes and make it play as one, you know you're completely different, lighting completely different scenes and backgrounds and it can be really jarring even if get the timing right if the angles aren't right, yes it can be very jarring or just like you're stating the fact that you're in two different geographical locations but this is actually driving home a thematic point that they want communicate. they're in completely different places, but they're in completely different places, literally geographically, but also here and here, and I love that they both end the conversation saying, "if you could listen, listen," and very often in conversations we want to be.

We listen but we don't listen well and we expect the other person to listen to us and then when they don't they come at us well you need to hear my side of things and you need to consider this or consider that we are just like how dare you how rude and we don't even see that we're doing the exact same thing and that's a major breakdown in communication and we'll talk about how they fix it, how they connect and the communication is healthy. a good one, this is a good movie for healthy communication, it's great so if you like this episode but you want it without the commercials and you want more of the delicious goodness that we seek to bring you, an interesting flavor, we have a low.

Fee-based membership site where you'll find commercial-free directors, cut episodes of our relationship courses from shows I've created to help you with your relationship growth guides, watch live parties, ask the

therapist

Q like all kinds of cool stuff, as well let him look at this. link to visit our movie therapy hero membership site and get more information because I think you're really going to be interested in it so you can be your own movie hero superhero. Why does he laugh every time I try to propose something? Because you're terrible at it. What that super slow motion animation and sound design?

I don't remember what the archer's paradox is called. I think when the arrow wraps around the bow like that, it's really scientific, but man, it's really well done. Robin Hood, prince of thieves, but I love that the mayor doesn't even surprise her or, uh, scare her, she just stares at her mother like she knew her mother was going to be there, she just knew it and the fact that she do, you already know. it builds up it's like a reverse bell tone or something, but there's that build up and then they just cut out all the sound, it's just yeah, it's fun to make movies, that's why I love doing this.

I was almost tired of you last time. You're the one who wanted to embarrass them you embarrassed me I followed them you don't know what you've done I'm the queen listen to me oh this is so unfair unfair you're never there for me this whole marriage is what you want? Did you ever bother to ask what I want? You were never there for me. She was there for you all the time. Just not in the way you necessarily wanted today. Trying to make me be like you. That's right, I mean, you're both right. you're both wrong I'm not going to be like you oh you're acting like a child and you're a beast that's what you are I'll never be like you so I'd rather die than be like you you're a princess I hope you act like one you break mine , I'll break yours, which she regrets, so something I love about this scene is that we get angry and then we do things that we regret, yeah, and I love how instantaneous it is. she's standing there Merida runs out and then she turns around and sees the bow in the fire and immediately regrets it and starts pulling it out what really speaks to me about that is that we all become stupid when we're angry there's a little there's a little bit of the population that actually gets smarter, they get a lot smarter, yes, those people are afraid, I'm married to one when she's angry, I think I'm not going to win this, this is not going to happen because I understand it, I understand. progressively dumber and, but most of us say and do things we regret when we're angry because we're not thinking clearly and what had to happen in this situation is that it was escalating and one or both of us could have said, " I'm getting angry, I need to calm down, yes, and then we can continue this conversation and then it's not storming out, it's not abandoning someone and saying, I'm getting angry, I need to calm down and then leaving and then coming back to discuss and resolve when you're calm, I mean, they still would have gotten angry, but what happens is we get angry and we focus on why we're angry and that we're justified and we feel angry and we just accept it, we just accept that emotion and the fact is when you're. furious when you're angry even if you're right even if you're justified doesn't mean you should deal with it when you're in that right state because that's how tapestries are cut and ties are thrown into the fire yeah we've discussed it on the show and we'll probably do it again on the show.

This rings very true to me, not because my mom wanted me to be a princess. My mom wanted. to go to business school, but you know, metaphorically, I've gotten into fights like that with my mom, where you know I'll cut the tapestry and she'll throw my camera into the fire. Yes, I don't have a bow. a camera um you guys understand, you're smart anyway uh, it really resonates with me like things that have happened in my life, but also exactly what you say when you get angry, you get stupid, yeah, especially I get really stupid, uh. and I do things I regret, yes, constantly when I'm angry, so go somewhere and do something that's relaxing or cathartic.

Cathartic is that you are releasing anger in a way that doesn't hurt anyone. Relaxing is calming. And then. Come back talking about bonding with your kids and arts and crafts, we need to go for a walk in the sea, bonding time, do art projects together, okay you get a baby to paint these watercolor mama bears from let's make art, It's a mom and a bear, get it, no. of the kids went with their own interpretation of things, I mean look at this Viking bear instead of making flowers, I got to draw a wreath but everyone had a blast and with the step by step instructions and video tutorial we were all able to follow along.

It was very easy, even our five and six year old children could do it. I'm done, that's what it feels like and they also loved the other projects in the kids box and there's a horse. Watercolor kits made it super easy with everything you need to get creative. and make some art, you'll also have access to an inspiring and supportive community of other beginning artists. Check this out, I like it so check out letsmakeart.com. You can get this mama bear kit or they have tons of other project kits for kids and adults. monthly subscription options too, then share your paintings and tag us and let's make art so we can see how it turned out and see that you are definitely a better artist than Alan.

I'm a filmmaker who I paint with and who wrote this copy. That's all. Was not me? If you write it, I will read it. Let's eat art. My mom did something really good. In fact, I had this same exchange with my mom once when she was a kid and she stayed with me, 30 years later, where I told her. She was yelling at him and I said you have to listen and she says almost word for word I am the mother will you listen to me and I remember I went to my room and I was so angry and I wrote to her I have a piece of paper and I wrote her a little letter which is very me. and I wrote him a little letter in which I said, you are right, you know that you are my mother, you gave me life, you raised me, I need to show you respect and I said, but I am a person and I deserve your respect too and I will never forget it.

He stayed with me for so long. I slid under a door because it's a really cool thing to do. Those who read this and she entered. I got to my room a couple of minutes later and she hugged me and told me that she was sorry and that I was absolutely right and that for the rest of my education she tried really hard to make sure this is a person, not someone who just need. to keep control and control or even just parent him this is a person with feelings and needs and if he is lashing out then he is hurting the right parents his children are people and their pain we see it as how could you be upset for something like that? because we have the problems of adults well but their pain is as valid as yours their fears are as valid as yours and when you treat children as people instead of as children what ends up happening is the respect that you demand from them. give to you freely, yes, because you treat them as people, yes, although my children do notThey're people, they're weird aliens, oh that raggedy witch gave me a gummy spell, it's the scottishest phrase ever said, I didn't ask her to change.

I put you in a beer, I just wanted to get you changed, you're still there so she's not afraid because she knows it's her mother, so she just stands there and lets the roar blow her hair back and like I mainly want to. do it. See what your reaction would be to the skeffy witch who beat him up. I have no comments because you know that's the most Scottish phrase it's never Scottish it's Scottish itself here we go my mom feels desperate they only have one more day before the spell becomes permanent and not only does it become permanent but her mom she becomes completely she becomes a carrier as her identity her soul is no longer her consciousness this little Merida looks exactly like my daughter except for the hair my daughter is an animated character that we connect with so easily when they are little they grow up they want to establish their independence and there is a natural distancing that happens often, yes, and she sees her mother as an authoritarian person who tells you what to do, imagine, now she is remembering how much her mother is always there to comfort her, take care of her and that is, and that is its exact form.

The accusation is that you're not there for me, right? and she is remembering that no, she always has been, she has always been just maybe not the way I wanted, but she has always been there and here she has tried to repair the gap and fix the spell and because the idea is you, you repair what was broken and the spell would be undone and they take it literally, but what is really broken is not the tapestry, it is the relationship and they have to do it before dawn and when the sun rises it doesn't work, it doesn't work and now their mother is he's gone he's just a bear i don't understand a lot of braveheart extras i'm sorry i just painted with ward this is all my fault i did this to us you've always been there for me you've never given up on me i just want you to have my back so that he will lose his wife and children to have them.

I feel like every time we watch a Pixar movie, instead of commenting, we just get caught up in watching and I start crying, Mom. you're back, you've changed, oh honey, we both go there and she's, I mean, she's pretty naked, well, I didn't mean, get it, get it, no, no, that's not what I meant, actually she was, in I was actually moving on to a different thought, but it was at a bad time, people watch these episodes with their kids, man, I'm sure this will be very revealing, dad, mom, what did it mean, what did mr. allen mean, How do we heal the relationships we have to start?

Actually, I listen well. I think my greatest learning from the brave is to assume good intentions. Very often we do the opposite. Yes, someone is doing something we don't like. What he says or does hurts or hinders us and we assume that this person now is. the villain of the story, yes, and most people, not all, most people want to do the right thing, most people want to do the right thing for others, they want to act with integrity and conscience, most of people want to feel safe, respected and loved, and what ends up happening is our efforts to feel safe, respected and loved or our efforts to do good for other people go wrong and then when people don't see that We've done, I mean, I know they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but when we don't, I don't see the good intentions in others when we treat them like the villain of our story, then they get defensive. and they're not going to listen to us, they're not going to listen to what we really need, they're just going to listen, oh you.

They are telling me that I am the bad guy and now I need to defend myself, which is what they were doing from the beginning and for me the twist is so important that that little dream that Merida has during the storm because it is her remembering my Mom, isn't it just a authoritarian queen who doesn't care about me? She's not a bear, she's not, yes, she's always been there for me and she's always wanted the best for me and I don't like how she did it, I don't. she what she needed but I'm no longer going to make her the villain of my story.

When we assume good intentions, we give people room to change because they can hear that what they are trying doesn't work, not that it is wrong, you try it and tell someone what they are doing is wrong and they will tell you why it is right, yeah, because you're discussing the results and he's discussing the intention, but if you say "hey, I think you love me, you want to do it." connect with me you want to do right by me I'm telling you this makes me feel like I'm being pushed away feeling controlled and I don't think that's what you want so what you're looking for isn't working and people are much more likely to listen when they're not the bad boy of the story, right, and when she stops, when they and when she says, we've changed, no, we both did because the mom saw Meredith as the bad boy. right, I mean, oh yeah, absolutely, I mean she was a brat like she was all yeah, I get where she's coming from, yeah, you're just, you're just a brat, you're just a disrespectful brat and when she stopped making a Meredith, villain of their story and could see Merida as a person with good intentions so they could say okay, this isn't working, how should we approach this differently?

True, I love Brave, it's hard to say it's one of my favorite Pixar movies. because you know 20 of them, but it's one of my favorite Pixar movies. uh you know, as a person of Scottish descent who is also part bear, I may not have known that that explains a lot of things, actually, you know someone will smell your Not here, you have no vision, I have to live with this in every session, this man smells like a bear. Some of our fans like that bear so wet, it's not good, yeah, and as someone with um, you know. a complicated relationship with my mother, this movie speaks to me on many levels, yes, but actually the level it speaks to me the most is just stealing sticky buns and running away in a barrel with a sticky hat and eating them, uh, you.

You can check us out on social media at Therapy Underscore Cinema on Twitter and Instagram r Cinema Therapy on Reddit, so until next time I'll be filming for my own hand. The worn out witch gave me a gummy rant and watching movies. I am very happy that you both. we did it in scottish we're terrible actually i'm from there well my ancestors are anyway it's them yes they are the bears the bears are you yes the bears are from scotland you're still you're still doing this I'm stuck now I can't understand it I'm trapped there is no escape