The surprising truth about rejection | Cam Adair | TEDxFargo

Translator: Leonardo Silva Reviewer: Mile Živković Growing up, I was a pretty normal Canadian kid. (laughs) My day consisted of going to school, playing hockey, and then going home to play video games. He was a talented hockey player, had friends, and could even flirt a little with girls. (Laughs) I was happy. In fact, I was so happy that my nickname as a kid was "Smiley," as you can see. But then all that changed, and it changed when I started experiencing

rejection

in my life. The first time I was rejected by a girl I was 11 years old - (Laughs) in sixth grade.

It was a girl named Amanda, who he had a crush on. My family lived in a house by a lake in Calgary, Canada. So naturally, being in Canada, the lake would freeze during the winter or as we like to call it, nine months of the year. Since Valentine's Day was approaching, I decided to ask Amanda to be my Valentine. So, I hatched a plan with her friends to drop her off at the other end of the lake, so I could skate like the gentleman in shiny hockey gear that she was, and ask her that all-important question when you're 11. old.

Nervous, but excited, I skated over and when I arrived I told her I had a question to ask her and even though she could have waited four more days, she had to say yes, she wanted to know the real answer. , "Would you be my Valentine?" She looked at me and said confidently, "No. I'm sorry." And she skated away. (Laughs) An instant pain shot through my chest when my heart broke for the first time. And I remember standing there in shock for a few minutes, and I remember thinking that this... this would be a night I would never forget.

They had rejected me. Two years later, I was in eighth grade. A new hockey program was starting where all the best hockey players in my town would go to one school together. During the day, we went to class with all the other kids in school, and after class, we had extra ice time with top-notch trainers and coaches. That sounds amazing, right? It was not. Since I played hockey with a lot of kids, the year started well. Hockey is a very important sport in Canada and that allowed me to become a member of the "popular kids". Unfortunately, this didn't work out the way I thought it would.

Although I was a member of the popular kids, as the year progressed, I began to realize that I was the outcast. I was the one who wasn't invited to the parties, the one who started to be bothered. It was weird because on my hockey teams all these kids were my friends, but at school it was like I didn't even matter. And it only got worse. In the end, the bullying got so bad that the fun game was, "Can we put Cam in a trash can?" Every day at lunch, a group of ninth graders would gang up and chase me around school, trying to get me into a trash can.

I would kick, scream, squirm, and do everything in my power because every ounce of self-esteem I had left depended on not being thrown into that trash can. I was in eighth grade and they still rejected me. Two years later, he was 15 and had just achieved the hockey he had always dreamed of. Shortly after making the team, we had a game in Red Deer, Alberta, two hours from my hometown. After the game, we hopped on the team bus to head home. And I, tired from the game, was lying in the back seat listening to music, when one of the second coach's sons, who had accompanied us on the trip, came and he started making fun of me.

Tired of the game and exhausted from years of dealing with this kind of thing, I decided to just ignore it. When he noticed that he wasn't getting a reaction from me, he escalated the situation further. "Keep ignoring him, keep ignoring him." Then, he escalated it even more to the point where he started spitting on me. He started spitting on me. Not know what to do. Part of me wanted to go into beast mode with this kid, but instead, I froze and for the next hour, I stayed crouched in the fetal position, holding a photo of a girl I had a crush on named Lindsay. , because I knew that the only thing that would help me get through that experience was the strength that the image of her could give me.

I made the hockey team and still got rejected. I was rejected by a girl, by a classroom, and by my hockey team, but for me it was bigger than that because I felt rejected by people in general. I felt unaccepted, unwelcome and unsafe. I felt like it didn't matter. All I wanted was to be accepted, but here I was... no. The most important thing is that I felt confused. Why was I the one who was rejected? Why was I the one being bullied? Because I? Here I was, a talented hockey player, an important member of the team, why me?

Here I was, a smart kid, a loyal friend, why me? Here I was, a good girl who would treat any girl like a princess, why me? And, for years, that's the question I struggled to answer: "Why me?" Having these experiences and so many others made me isolate myself. I decided to just try to ignore it, escape. So, I would play video games for up to 16 hours a day. I dropped out of high school twice and retired from hockey, the game I loved more than anything else. I just wanted to be accepted. I knew I had so much more potential inside, but I felt paralyzed and apathetic.

No one else seemed to care about me, so why would I? I was 18 and had no real sense of direction. So after two years of struggling to figure out why, I decided I had to make a change. I had to change the way this was going. I just couldn't do it anymore. And, in a moment of inspiration, I decided to ask myself a different question: "If I could change this circumstance, if I could change my situation, would I do it? If I could learn to make new friends, would I do it? If this were really possible, if I really could do it, would I do it?" And, with every ounce of my being, I knew that yes, I would.

So, I made a commitment to myself: I was going to change this situation, I was going to learn to make new friends, I was going to learn to be happy again, to smile again. So I set off. I didn't really know what I was doing, so I approached it like it was a big experiment. He would experiment until he learned what he needed to learn. To make friends, I needed to meet more people. Then I started going out, which led to me going out every night for three years. But it wasn't to party. So I did it sober and kept a journal of the lessons I was learning.

I made significant progress and became more comfortable talking to people, but there was still a problem. Even after dating for three years, I still felt lonely, and that's when I learned that loneliness doesn't come from knowing a lot of people; It comes from a lack of intimate connections. Although I knew more people, I didn't really know anyone. Sure, I might high five at a nightclub, but that was the extent of our relationship. I needed to deepen these connections. So, I spent the next two years learning that, and that happened by being curious and asking better questions.

It happened by being vulnerable and asking for help, because that created an opportunity for us to come together. And it happened by knowing other people's stories and being willing to let them know mine. To be happy, I started doing things I was proud of. I always wanted to learn to be a DJ, and so I did. Some friends and I bought equipment and it became a passion. I always knew I wanted to learn how to DJ, but I had just never taken the step to try. Taking a leap made me feel proud and that's why I felt happier.

At my job, I hated asking for permission to take the weekend off. I wanted to be spontaneous and set my own schedule. So I left it and opened my own business. I didn't know what I was doing, I didn't have a college degree, I didn't have mentors, so I focused on learning what I needed to learn. But it wasn't easy and I failed a lot. In the fall of 2012, I traveled to Bolder, Colorado to meet other entrepreneurs pursuing their dreams. As soon as I got there, I knew this was exactly where I wanted to be, but if I moved to Colorado, it would mean my girlfriend and I would have to take long-distance trips.

Then I got scared and went back home for a few months to figure out what I really wanted to do, but honestly, I was terrified. The day after we got home there was a snow storm. It was cold and I felt miserable. So I got on a plane and flew to Costa Rica. (Laughs) What else was I supposed to do? (Laughter) I'll never forget: I was sitting in this cafe in San Jose, having coffee in the morning, and I was reading a book, and the first line of a chapter said, "Oh, so you thought that by traveling you could run away from your dreams." issues?" (Laughs) What else was I supposed to do? (Laughter) "Oh, so you thought that by traveling you could run away from your problems?

But you realized that your problems are inside you, so they accompany you wherever you go." That's exactly what I was doing. I was in Costa Rica, running away from my problems. The trip was supposed to last 40 days, and it lasted 12, and those 12 days were full of stress and anxiety, and I spent the last week in a hotel room in Dominical, waiting to get home. I was terrified. Then I flew back to Canada and felt like a failure. Five days later, my girlfriend broke up with me. It's funny how these things work sometimes. Here I was, my business is failing, my trip to Costa Rica a disaster, and now my girlfriend is leaving.

I felt like a total loser and like I was back to square one. So, I spent the next four months building courage and finally moved to Bolder, Colorado in April of last year, and it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. Yes, the atmosphere was fantastic; Yes, the friends I made were great; but honestly it was the decision to take the leap and have the courage to do it that made the difference, honoring something inside of me that I knew I wanted to do, but had once done. Your passions may not be DJing, traveling, or freelancing.

Whatever they are, pursue them. It will make you proud and make you feel happier. My friend Alexi Panos says, "Don't follow your happiness. Be your own happiness." Finally, I learned that

rejection

is a compass. It teaches you what you don't want so you can learn what you do. My friend Preston Smiles says, "From our greatest rejection comes our greatest sense of direction." Six months after moving to Colorado, I booked a plane ticket to Europe. I always wanted to go to Europe, but I had never booked a ticket. So I did it and traveled for two months and it was incredible.

But honestly, I felt proud to have pursued something I wanted to do. I went after a goal. When we get rejected, it's very easy to see it as validation. It's very easy to try to identify with him. Don't identify with that. Rejection is not you, it is not you and it does not define you. You define yourself. Viktor Frankl says that the ultimate human freedom is our ability to give meaning to our circumstances, and I think that's true. I was rejected, harassed, and depressed, but it was up to me alone to change my circumstances. Nobody could do it for me.

So why me? Why are these my stories? Honestly, I may never know, and you may not know your answer either. Sometimes that's just how things are; The answers simply do not exist. The

truth

is that there was no reason why I. It was just me. It's part of my story and that's okay. It sucked, and that's okay. Rejection is okay. But what I want you to know is that I am grateful for it. I'm grateful for that because it gave me a choice. It gave me the opportunity to start over. What I want you to know is that you are not alone.

You are not alone. You, I, and many others experience the exact same thing every day, and that's okay. Rejection is okay. Reach out and ask for help. Be brave. You don't have to do this alone. Finally, my challenge to you is this: what will be your tipping point? Mine was when I realized that if I could change the circumstances, I would, and when that light bulb went on, I knew I had to take responsibility for my life. So what will be your turning point? Because ultimately, you have to make that decision. You have to make that decision for yourself.

So, choose, choose yourself. Thank you. (Applause)