The narcissist's playbook: How smart women are abused by romantic frauds | Australian Story

told me he was divorced he wanted to marry me told me he had once worked for a private equity firm that had a ridiculous amount of money told me he was an orphan said he had been in the sas and was awarded the purple heart said he would kill people in battle he was such a good polo player he knew racing drivers so many things he told me he couldn't imagine his future without me so he turned out to be a barely literate forklift driver who was still with his wife. Oh, he had a record of aggravated assault and robbery.

He was in a relationship with another woman who was pregnant with his child the entire time. He knows of three

women

he had relationships with. Walt with me everything. It was a game to him, I don't think he had a sincere bone in his body, it's no secret to middle aged

women

that the dating world is very difficult and if you get to be 40 and you haven't met someone , you are very unlikely, so the only option is to connect. My online dating profile would have talked about the fact that I love my job as a journalist and writer and I was looking for someone who was honest, sincere and decent with some intelligence and wit.

The man in my

story

, I'm going to call Joe. His online dating profile presented him as a gentleman farmer who divided his time between the city in a house on Sydney Harbor and a small farm in the countryside where he raised an unusual variety of sheep. and regenerating native grasses, we met and I spent 14 months of my life with him. I fell in love with Joe, but his whole life was an invention. I mean, he knew scammers in the financial world, of course, but he'd never heard of

romantic

s. Fantasists, this guy didn't want money from me.

I don't think he was for the sex. Who does this? When I realized the extent of his lying, I started Googling and the keywords I was Googling were pathological liar and boyfriend. It was a

narcissist

ic personality disorder at the time I thought I needed to talk to some experts I found out that almost nothing he said about himself was true in fact he was complaining that he created this completely fake persona what is up with this type of behavior ? There are several categories this could fall into diagnostically, so the one we might most think of would be

narcissist

ic personality disorder, which involves using other people to prop up one's sense of significant personal importance.

To what extent did dating apps contribute? This issue is certainly not the only way this happens, but it makes it easier in terms of access, in terms of running a variety of relationships in parallel, in terms of photoshop and creating personas, you can do it online very, very easily, the relationship with Joe. It finished at the end of 2015 and it was a year and a half before I sat down and started thinking about writing it. Writing the book really helped me understand what had happened when the book came out in 2019. I received messages from hundreds of people. long, heartfelt messages spilling his stories, mostly from women, primarily about heterosexual relationships for the diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder.

More men are diagnosed than women, it does not mean that women will not be diagnosed, but it certainly seems disproportionate that this is the case. To be the other way around, even now, almost two years later, I still receive messages. I decided to reach out to some of the women who had contacted me. Hello how are you? Hello Stephanie. Fine, thanks. My main hope is that in telling this

story

. You can warn as many women as possible about this type of behavior. So what else did he tell you about himself? He left the UK, was a very successful businessman, left behind a mansion, sports cars, was in the special forces and had actually shot someone.

I never really knew what narcissism was. I had heard of it, but I didn't really know how profound it meant in the context of a relationship. What do you think he gets if it's obviously not money? adoration I had the impression that he loved being adored was his oxygen being adored was his oxygen women are often asked didn't you realize and why didn't you leave we tend to look at the victim always in society we because the perpetrator is a shock to us, we can't even imagine such a person, so we turn our attention to the victim, instead we say that these women are not stupid or naive, it's not like they went blindly, they are being deceived , they are being very active.

Played, I couldn't believe how similar the stories were. There's a behavior manual to the point that now when someone starts telling me his story, I can go and then this happened. There is a period at the beginning where there is love. just intense and they call it love bombing with joe there were dinners out and holding hands on the table and playing with each other's feet under the table and talking very deeply like we were really making a connection, i thought about the heady days of a love story in its early stages are intoxicating, men who are predators have practice, they could be picking up on the vulnerability, the loneliness, the disappointment in previous relationships, they craft their story and look for someone who fits that story when I met John , he was no longer married.

He hadn't had children and he wasn't happy at work and I felt like a failure to be honest. I met John in September 2017. I met him online and he quickly wanted to meet me and have a drink. This is the um online photo of oh, he looks quite handsome, yeah, right, yeah, so when I saw him I thought, oh, he looks quite cheeky, um, funny, you know, Irish people love the Irish accent , but one of the things he said to me was: are you okay? Dating a man with cancer or someone who has had cancer. No, I mean, what are you saying?

I am a public accountant. My job is to work with facts. Anyone who knows me from work knows that I don't miss much. I guess being somewhat emotional is a little different. He said he had brain cancer and then he was in remission, but right after he moved in with me he told me you know the cancer has come back and you know I remember it. He says yes, crying and just looking down and not saying anything. I remember thinking that all these problems I have are nothing compared to someone who is sick, you know, who may not live for another x number of years and he is struggling with his health. and I felt like well, I'm in a position where I can help.

He started saying that I needed this treatment and that treatment and it was just excessive, it was month after month and then one time he asked me for five thousand dollars and I just didn't add up, it doesn't make sense that I was answering calls fighting with the doctor saying I can't come in, I don't have the money and I wonder if he was just talking on the phone. It must have been like this, if I had to identify the red flags, I would say the biggest one is absences, a man who has to be absent all the time or comes and goes from the beginning.

Joe's story was that he had custody. Arrangements with his ex-wife, so from the beginning he wasn't going to be available one week every two weeks and I just accepted that and there were always changes to the custody agreement where he had to run out and pick up the kids when his my wife couldn't make it or she disappointed him or there were business meetings or he had to rush off to his farm. I wouldn't know when I'd see him again if you have a very time-limited relationship where you meet in small doses that lasts much longer because it's not interfered with by the menial tasks of life, you're not watching someone take out the trash or using his sweatpants what you're seeing all the time is people in their The best thing was that when I read Stephanie's book I wanted to communicate with someone who really understood what I was going through.

I was 19 when Peter and I met. He still lived at home. The age difference between us was 19 years. He told me that he had just gotten divorced, that he had children, so he respected the fact that on those days when he didn't see me, he spent time with his children. We did activities together on the weekends but it was always on a time limit and I always craved more attention and affection from him because it was very limited I wanted to see him as much as I could we went interstate together we went abroad to Bali sometimes he told me that he wanted to marry me he wanted me to be the mother of his children, he blew me away, um, he was charming, he was kind, he made me feel safe, we decided to start trying it with children, which meant we were no longer using contraceptives.

He came over one night and told me he had a urine infection and he wasn't up for anything, I said okay, we went and took a shower together and when I looked down I saw spots, as soon as I saw these spots I thought he had gotten a vasectomy, I argued with him. and he said how could you do this to me and he told me that he had had a reverse vasectomy that he didn't know how to tell me beforehand that he had already had one he sent me a picture of the reversal pamphlet saying look I promise you it's not a vasectomy it's definitely a reversal .

When I had a feeling, if he thought it was a lie and we had an argument about it, he would find the best excuse: it just made sense. He was an incredible liar. We tried to have children for two years and I couldn't get pregnant. When the woman starts asking questions, there can be a period of enlightenment and that's when men leave, you're imagining things, you're being stupid. I'm going to ruin this if you keep this up. He told me all the time that it was all in my head. He had problems. He needed help. I thought he was definitely crazy.

Thank you. Could you see he was? manipulate her at first no, but a little later, yes, brody kept a diary and brody didn't tell me things that were hurting her and things like that, that I actually read the diary to understand what was going on, dear diary. Today I'm a little depressed every day to be honest, I really feel like no one wants me around anymore, he blames me, which makes me hate myself more than I already feel, I feel like he doesn't want to be with me anymore, he just hates life. today really bad, do you want to be rude?

No, he got very bad. There were many times I cried because I couldn't help her. Sometimes Brady tried to hurt himself and tried to kill himself and that was very difficult. a mother too, the damage these men do is impressive. I also don't think we expect people to be able to lie on such a devastating scale. In my opinion, it is another branch of domestic abuse. Coercive control can definitely play a role. These relationships, gaslighting challenges your sense of reality, are worth their value, ultimately it's about maintaining the relationship and having maximum control. I didn't even know what gaslighting was every time it was like I was crazy I can't tell you how many times.

You would say it's in your head. I was feeling very guilty and by even having these thoughts you know he may not be telling the truth. Well, it was the big year 2019. He was 40 years old and many of my friends were 40 years old. Well, I went to Mudji on a girls' weekend, it was lunch, I had been drinking quite a bit like everyone else and I guess I started telling my story and on the left side was a lady who worked for border control. and on the right side was a lady whose mother had been conned by a scammer and one of them told me "he really likes being here legally because he's Irish" and that's when the other lady told me "just no".

It doesn't sound right, Aaron, and then they decided they were going to support me like they were two women I just met and they just said, "I'm sorry, I'm forever grateful for that, I mean, maybe I would have gotten there on my own." but that was the turning point that gave me permission when we turned two years old. He said, "Let's start looking for a house," and we looked at display homes, looked at exactly what we wanted, and got a quote for how much it would cost. It would cost him to build the house, so he decided why don't we move into his investment property which, he told me, was occupied by renters.

We spent over ten thousand dollars on furniture and organized it to be delivered to the house we are going to build. I live in two days before I can start moving in and he said I'm having problems with tenants not coming out. He said I need to take him to court. When he went to court, he sent me a photo. prove that he was there and that he had his name on the board, everything on my own seemed legitimate, so I didn't ask any more questions. I now believe that a lot of the evidence he would give me was falsified, there will come a point where The story you are being told no longer makes any sense and it is important at those points that you start asking more direct questions.

I was with Joe for about 14 months and didn't see his house in that time. I asked again and again and told him, you know it's really a deal breaker. I need to see your house and he kept hinting at reasons why I couldn't see the house, they ranged from my mother staying with me while her floors are polished the kids aren't ready to let anyone else into our little cocoon then the excuse changed I'm going to renovate the house, it's chaos. You can't come. Finally, he said, Come next Wednesday night and we'll have pizza and ice cream with the kids two nights in a row.

He canceled my appointment.First night her daughter had forgotten to tell me if she had anything at school she needed to go to and then the second night it was canceled because her dog was sick She even sent the photo of the vet medication and the second night was when I thought no, no I can't keep doing this because I was a mess, I was riddled with anxiety, I was tearful, I could barely function at work and that's when I realized there was very little truth to what he told me about his life. I sent him an email a few days later telling him I was.

I once said I don't know what kind of fraud you are, but you're not telling me the truth. After that, I never saw him again. He was taking advantage of me. He had no intention of any of the things he said. he was saying that to him everything was a game, everything was completely fun and games and um, it was so cruel, it was so cruel when I came back from Muddy, then I was aware that I needed to find something, I had to ask more questions. I went through his wallet, found the card he uses to take the train everywhere and recorded it and that gave me all the information I needed to know where he had been and at what times I contacted a girlfriend and just said, I think.

That he doesn't have cancer and he's been going somewhere else and doing something else with the money, I said, but please can you see it for me and tell me? I am not crazy. I approached. I told his ex-girlfriend that I've been living with this guy for two and a half years and I think she's been lying to me and then she contacted me right away and said yeah, I think we should definitely meet. he is a scammer and she brought another lady jane and we exchanged our stories and they had been through the same thing and I said, I think I need to go to the police, how much money do you think he got from you? in terms of cash just for his treatments and it would have been around 30 thousand dollars, but you know, when you add rent, vacations, it could exceed 80 thousand dollars I would say, so he was convicted of taking that money by deception um and He decided to plead guilty maybe a month later he was expelled from the country back to Ireland.

I got an email maybe three weeks later and he asked me if he had calculated the number he was referring to was the number of women. had been while she was with me, it became evident when I heard from other women that there was almost always another woman or several other women involved after I left Joe, the first thing I found was the evidence of the other woman, it was amazing As we unfolded and unraveled his lies and we discovered when he had been with her and what he had told me as an excuse for being away and vice versa, I thought: what else is there in this man that I did not know and I discovered that he was bankrupt.

I did a title search which showed me that the house he said he lived in was owned by his ex-wife. I was able to establish through other sources that he had a criminal conviction related to fraud in the past. I contacted the neighbors and he said the property had been his small sheep farm and they had never really heard of him. I knew something was up, you know, after being together for four and a half years, I just wanted answers. Something is not right. something doesn't feel right to me, so that night I didn't tell him I was going, I went to the house that I thought was ours and I saw his car and his wife's car there, it was around 10 at night, I sat down. outside his house and I connected his phone from inside his house to my car.

I called the last numbers he had spoken to on the phone. I spoke to a lady and she goes as far as I know, he is still very much married. There was never any tenant, he actually lived with his wife and his children in the house in which we were supposed to live. Now I know if someone is canceling you or disappearing for long periods of time or if you are becoming a detective in your own relationship. these are signs that are not very good and if they don't treat you with respect get out of there when you are young you are in love and someone keeps going with all these excuses and evidence to back up their stories it is very difficult to see red flags when I found out everything I felt disgusted I felt disgusting I didn't have any confidence I had no self-esteem I was depressed I went to the doctor to get a checkup to make sure I hadn't caught anything I made the doctor cry by telling him my story while I was there, he taught me that if something doesn't feel okay, trust your instinct, don't exclude your family, don't exclude your friends, I just want to raise awareness among other women, even men. um, this type of behavior needs to be talked about, it needs to be mentioned, reflected on.

I wish I had spent a little more time with myself and my friends and family, from whom I isolated myself at the time. time that song is on it's rihanna kanye west and paul mccartney and one of the lines is all my kindness uh mistaken for weakness and now I carry that line with me because I'm kind I'm not weak it's a huge thing tell your story publicly and reveal your vulnerabilities publicly, but as I know now, telling your own story, sharing your vulnerabilities is one of the most powerful things you can do for other people.

Do you think you will trust again in a relationship? Yes, do you know why? Because I don't want to let a psychotic man rule the rest of my life. That's not going to happen. I'll recognize people like you from 10 miles away next time, but I won't. I won't do it. be paranoid, I won't be bitter, I'm glad you said that because I think I've wondered if I could ever trust again, but I'll hold what you just said as a mantra, you deserve it, stephanie, anyone who's done it. what wrong they do is up to them if they are going to allow that to have power over them or not, that is right and you have the right to be affected by it, but not forever because you know we are good people. good people when I finished writing my book I felt stronger than I had ever felt in my life and I think the women who told me their stories will probably feel the same after this, the strength comes from understanding what happened knowing that You were not responsible knowing that you are not the only one, it is men who have entered into these relationships with the intention of manipulating and deceiving.

I think men should be much more responsible for this type of behavior that women have. They didn't do anything wrong, they just wanted to love and be loved so that you